ratingsguy Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 ...after you've spent the day with your MW/MM? I'm trying to figure out if this is normal or not. After my MW leaves, most days (like today), even after a wonderful time together I get depressed and start to cry. I guess it really hurts that I can't follow her home, or go to bed with her, or wake up with her, or just BE with her. She goes back to her lonely life and I go back to my lonely life. An update on my situation: As a result of my MW's recent seizure/panic attack, her and her H have finally had a heart to heart and are moving closer to a separation, probably early next year. They've agreed to purchase a separate home. Here's the unique part of this, though. They will be separated, but going back and forth between homes. In other words, Mon-Wed., MW stays in home 1, and H stays in home 2. Thurs.-Sat., H stays in home 1 and MW stays in home 2. Sunday they have a family day. This is all being done for the sake of their 16 and 18 year old daughter and son. Kids will always stay in home 1, and this way will always see both parents in their familiar setting each week. Both homes will have separate living quarters for MW and H. I've never heard of an arrangement like this before, but at least it's a start. She still considers her H a best friend of sorts whom she has no feelings for anymore, so she is trying to D as amicably as possible, with little effect on the kids. This arrangement is only necessary until the daughter is 18 and out of the house, then presumably they find permanent residences. What do you guys think?
BenThereDunThat Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 ...after you've spent the day with your MW/MM? I'm trying to figure out if this is normal or not. After my MW leaves, most days (like today), even after a wonderful time together I get depressed and start to cry. I guess it really hurts that I can't follow her home, or go to bed with her, or wake up with her, or just BE with her. She goes back to her lonely life and I go back to my lonely life. Ugh. I so know that feeling. The last time I spent the day with the xMM, I started crying before I even got out of his car! He didn't know it though. Cried the whole way home and then cried some more once I got home. And I mean I CRIED. That was a real turning point for me - I knew then that our "friendship" wasn't healthy and I needed to cut it off. I can't speak to your MW's living arrangements, I'm afraid I don't have any experience there. But it seems like things are moving in the right direction. Just be wary. No one else can look after your heart but YOU.
puddleofmud Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 "This arrangement is only necessary until the daughter is 18 and out of the house, then presumably they find permanent residences. What do you guys think?" It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks--how do YOU feel about this? You are the only one who knows if this will work for you NOW and if later "then presumably they find permanent residences". Frankly, w/ such already being decided, you have no choice about this so it is up to you. All you have is time and time will tell, so it is up to you if you trust yourself enough to invest your time/ emotion/ effort and this particular presumption. I DO hope it works out for you! Take care of yourself for now and be strong for you!
stillhere Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 How do i feel when my MM leaves..................it's gotten to the point where it doesn't bother me as much. I have my days, where i just want to hold on to him for dear life, but i also know that he isn't going anywhere. He has proven that to me countless times. I also have my days where i was happy to just see him. Take yesterday for instance. He had unexpected things pop up where he wasn't going to be able to come over. He asked if i would be p*ssed if he didn't come over, and i told him no, that i knew he had to take care of these unexpected problems. Then he tells me that he's 2 blocks away from my house and to unlock the door!! He knew that i wouldn't be upset (which i wasn't) but he made me a priority and came over anyway, despite the fact that he had other things to do. Then i have an awesome day. He always calls me, every single day. Even if he can't talk, he calls to tell me he loves me. As for your MW living situation, they are moving in the right direction. Only they know if this situation will work, and it just might. Sounds like they are very loving parents and they are doing what they think is best for their children, despite their differences. I'd say it's looking good for you!!
pureinheart Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 Hey Ratingsguy....i just remember feeling empty inside, the fact that little could be normal....
kymberann Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 The damn crying took over so much after xMM or I would leave I was beginning to doubt I even had that time with him.Or if I really enjoyed it. I did though, but it would have been better had I not felt like crying at our departure. I hated when he said " I gotta go". I can still hear his voice! He also said "You make it so hard for me to leave". I'd say then why leave? Just stay. Didn't work out the majority of the time. If it was late at night he would tuck me in and turn off the lights in the house and lock the front door behind him. All the while i was snivelling under the sheets! Dreadful when I think about it now.
frannie Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 ...after you've spent the day with your MW/MM? I'm trying to figure out if this is normal or not. After my MW leaves, most days (like today), even after a wonderful time together I get depressed and start to cry. -- I've never heard of an arrangement like this before, but at least it's a start. She still considers her H a best friend of sorts whom she has no feelings for anymore, so she is trying to D as amicably as possible, with little effect on the kids. This arrangement is only necessary until the daughter is 18 and out of the house, then presumably they find permanent residences. What do you guys think? How I feel when he leaves varies. It depends how long he's been here for, a lot of the time. If its a short time (less than a day) I feel we've not had enough time, and I feel all torn up. If it's a few days, I can feel pretty similar, because we've just got settled down and he goes again. And it depends on whether things are going well or are strained between us... some points in the past I've felt very black even when we're together, because it seemed he would never be able to leave (her, that is). --- As far as the living arrangements you describe. Yes, I've seen this method suggested on a divorce site once. I think it can work pretty well, because the children aren't disturbed by having to cart their things between houses, and they can feel a lot more settled.
oyster Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 ...after you've spent the day with your MW/MM? I'm trying to figure out if this is normal or not. After my MW leaves, most days (like today), even after a wonderful time together I get depressed and start to cry. I guess it really hurts that I can't follow her home, or go to bed with her, or wake up with her, or just BE with her. She goes back to her lonely life and I go back to my lonely life. This is how I felt when the A was discovered, she spent less time with me and I felt similar to you. ... They've agreed to purchase a separate home. Here's the unique part of this, though. They will be separated, but going back and forth between homes. from one perspective, good for the kids. All depends on how you feel as this is out of your control and opinion as it is set in stone. from another perspective, her husband is mature thinking. Some other dumb arse would refuse to buy another home where the boyfriend of his ex wife would spend times with his ex-wife and kids
Author ratingsguy Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 All depends on how you feel... I think it's definately a step in the right direction, also. For nothing else, my MW needs the separation to keep her health intact, and after the hospitalizations (the seizure wasn't the first, she had a panic attack earlier this year) the H is starting to see that their M is adversely effecting her mental well being. It sounds like he's being accomidating with respect to that, but then again these are just plans... we'll have to see if they come to fruition. I don't have any reason to believe they won't, but I guess it's the "don't count your chickens before they're hatched" deal. The thing I find kind of unsettling is that my MW is going to encourage me to spend the night with her there sometimes. Overall, I don't have a problem with that and quite honestly, I'll very much be looking forward to it! But it will be odd to think that just in a matter of days, the H will be living there, then MW, then H, etc. I'll kind of feel like I'm invading their home in a sense since the H still technically will live there (even though they will have separate living quarters)... only the kids will be out of that picture. I wonder what the ground rules will be between them about having boyfriend/girlfriends over.
frannie Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 The thing I find kind of unsettling is that my MW is going to encourage me to spend the night with her there sometimes. Overall, I don't have a problem with that and quite honestly, I'll very much be looking forward to it! But it will be odd to think that just in a matter of days, the H will be living there, then MW, then H, etc. I'll kind of feel like I'm invading their home in a sense since the H still technically will live there (even though they will have separate living quarters)... only the kids will be out of that picture. I wonder what the ground rules will be between them about having boyfriend/girlfriends over. I can see how you would feel that, because it really will be 'their' home in a way, even though they will be separated. Have you spoken to her about how you will feel about that? Is her H aware of you?
oyster Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 I wonder what the ground rules will be between them about having boyfriend/girlfriends over. better get confirmation over wondering. since he does own half or all. he is entitled to ask you to leave and not stay there. Know what I mean? worst case is a jerry springer episode, he comes to the house drunk one night, sees you with his ex-wife on "his" property, FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT and all the drama
kymberann Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 Boy as far as the living quarters go, I must be missing something. Don't you think the kids will be on to their situation as both will have different living quarters? What's the point? I would think as kids that would be more disturbing. Even if both parents are not there at the same time. My xH and I shared living quarters once/ He was down stairs, I was up. This was post divorce. He jus moved in to save money. I was hardly down stairs anyways. Well It turned out weired, even tough we weren't always home at the same time. It lasted all of 2 months. My kids were the ones wo brought up that it was weird! Just my experience!
Author ratingsguy Posted December 17, 2006 Author Posted December 17, 2006 Once they are separated, they will not be in the same house at the same time; they will be just going back and forth. Each home will have separate living quarters. The kids will always stay in the same house that they've always been in... seeing just one parent at a time. The kids are going to be well aware of the separation since they're going to be told all about it. And no Frannie, the H does not know about me. I guess I'll be entering the picture a few months after they officially separate.
frannie Posted December 17, 2006 Posted December 17, 2006 And no Frannie, the H does not know about me. I guess I'll be entering the picture a few months after they officially separate. Yes, the living arrangement works well for the children (from what I've read) but isn't at all right when/if the exes get new partners and start wanting them to stay over. Not only are you going to feel a bit 'off' about it, but so's he probably. As Oyster said... best he doesn't suddenly find out about it before he knows of your existence..?
Recommended Posts