Guest Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 I am confused. I moved in with my bf of 8 months (he still has his place 5 blocks away, rents it out, so it's not like we HAVE to live together if we need space) and he is sweet as can be. However, certain things are bothering me and I need to vent/would like some opinions. I have voiced ALL of these concerns to him already, and I don't want to totally kill the relationship but it seems I feel inside so many complaints. Again, we have discussed each of my concerns/dislikes but there is not really a substantial change coming from him. First, the good stuff: he is sweet, sweet, sweet, always asking how I am and where I am, cuddly, etc etc etc. He is kind, never rude with words, gentle. The bad stuff is the following...and I wish I could paint a bigger picture so bear with me with the responses because I am probably leaving out more info that is helpful: 1) He has a much lower sex drive than me, and I feel unwanted/neglected. When we DO have sex, it's AMAZING! I'm not unattractive, I model part-time, so I don't think it's anything to do with me. But I've been scared maybe I did or said something to offend him and that is why...but he says it's just him and he feels like less of a man. I go out of my way to then make him feel like a man...and we usually end up having sex, but I always (90%) initiate. If I don't, it would be like 1-3 times a week...and we LIVE together. 2) He is passive-aggressive. He doesn't express anger, ever. He chameleons for other people and for me. It makes it hard for me to trust him emotionally. I know for certain he'd never hurt me on purpose, or cheat on me, but the other stuff is scary. 3) We rarely go out to dinner. We split rent and groceries. He makes almost 6 figures and I just lost my job. He hasn't once asked me if I'm ok with money, even though it's not his job to do so. I have bought him little gifts here and there...several times...he has never done that for me. Basically, I'm bored as sh*t. I want to be able to go out with my man/love, have a few drinks and shoot the sh*t. 4) I recently saw an email between him and his mom where he had told her that something that caused her to write him back in great concern regarding me. It was recently when I was in CA and had lost my job and was really, really stressed. But the tone in the email was as though she was worried about my bf. I feel like he violated my privacy. I confronted him (by the way, the email was sitting on the computer screen so I couldn't miss it) and he told me that she simply asked how I was and he told her. But her reply in the email said, "How are things with her? I worried all day". It was as though there was a huge crisis. 5) He can't recall events properly or consistently. He will recall a story or situation and tell it to me in 3 or 4 different ways (no exaggeration) at different times. This includes stories about his ex (most people relate a story or 2 about an ex), his best friends, anything you could think of. 6) He used to watch porn 2-3 times a day. I felt like this affected our sex life, so I asked him if he was choosing that over me -- he said no. In the beginning, we were having sex a couple of times a day...but then he started having a lower sex drive, so I thought it could be the excessive porn..so he stopped watching it. Now his sex drive is really low. On top of it, he used to watch porn and lie about it. We had huge issues over this, because it's not PORN i have a problem with -- it's weird behavior I have a problem with. And the porn has played a role. Now he has a difficult time getting an erection and it gets uncomfortable for him until I give him a pep talk. In a nutshell, I feel like I have done EVERYTHING I can to communicate with him. He is not adventurous, I am. So, you ask why do I stay? BEcause in my heart, I love the man. But it's getting to the point where things feel so tough for me that I don't know if love is enough anymore. MAybe I'm not supposed to be with him. I'm dying over this...it's killing my desire and zest for life. The hardest part is that he is such a sweet person, someone I truly admire and love. I am extremely honest with my faults and overly communicative. I will always accept my share of negative blame, so we don't argue much at all -- we tend to agree on most things in the end. He also doesn't get walked on -- he will throw up boundaries when applicable, so it's not like he is weak. Any opinions guys on #s 1-7? My guy says he's in love with me, etc etc etc. But I think maybe there is an age thing going on. He's 25, I'm 28. I expect so, so much more, and it's NOT HIS FAULT. How do you suggest I bridge the gap? I feel frustrated. I complain ALL of the time. I feel like a horrible person. help.
ChampionSound Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 This isn't really an answer for you... but reading your description of the relationship reminded me a little bit of a movie I watched last night: Shortbus. It is (in part) about a sex therapist who has a sweet, considerate boyfriend that also is unable to satisfy her sexually. When porn becomes an issue for her, they do a sensitive listening/healing ritual to work it out in the relationship. In the end after much soul searching, and a bit of exploration, she decides that it isn't the right place for her to be, and walks away. And we are cheering for her. Good luck PS I just realized that maybe I just ruined the ending of a movie and should probably be castigated. Where is my girlfriend when I need her? Also I didn't understand from reading your post> how long have you been together in total, and how long have you been living together for?
rina_r Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 PS I just realized that maybe I just ruined the ending of a movie and should probably be castigated. Oh no, not for me. I like to know beforehand. To Guest: I am same age, in the same situation regarding #1. But then...we both work a lot and get tired. Also, he never refuses when I initiate so I dont care - if i want sex, i go and ask and dont bother myself with thinking: "why he never initiates?" Regarding #2 - be happy. After you go through an abusive relationship, you will appreciate it a lot.
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 I think we might be dating the same man.... my guy's 25 too, hehehe. (I'm 27 but will be 28 next month!) I know all about the low sex drive. My boyfriend and I had sex a couple times a week at first, but then it slowed down to once a week if I pushed the issue (I am always the initiator) and then finally to next to never. We haven't had sex in about two months. I stopped initiating and he's probably glad. He too has a porn problem. I really do think it's the porn thing that screws them up. I'm not anti-porn. Hell I own porn. But when you're addicted to it, you have a problem. Sounds like your guy just might be addicted. My guy lied about it just like yours did. It's what addicts do. Regarding gifts, I get my guy stuff all the time, and like your man, he never gets me anything in return. Not that I really care, because I don't give gifts in order to return them, but it would be nice just to know he's thinking of me when he's out and about. But I do chalk that up to guys being guys. I don't think they think about it like girls do. At least your guy is sweet! He has one thing going for him My advice, take as much as you can take, but in the end, if you're not happy anymore, get out of the relationship. (Easier said then done, I know!)
Guest Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 I am confused. I moved in with my bf of 8 months (he still has his place 5 blocks away, rents it out, so it's not like we HAVE to live together if we need space) and he is sweet as can be. However, certain things are bothering me and I need to vent/would like some opinions. I have voiced ALL of these concerns to him already, and I don't want to totally kill the relationship but it seems I feel inside so many complaints. Again, we have discussed each of my concerns/dislikes but there is not really a substantial change coming from him. First, the good stuff: he is sweet, sweet, sweet, always asking how I am and where I am, cuddly, etc etc etc. He is kind, never rude with words, gentle. The bad stuff is the following...and I wish I could paint a bigger picture so bear with me with the responses because I am probably leaving out more info that is helpful: 1) He has a much lower sex drive than me, and I feel unwanted/neglected. When we DO have sex, it's AMAZING! I'm not unattractive, I model part-time, so I don't think it's anything to do with me. But I've been scared maybe I did or said something to offend him and that is why...but he says it's just him and he feels like less of a man. I go out of my way to then make him feel like a man...and we usually end up having sex, but I always (90%) initiate. If I don't, it would be like 1-3 times a week...and we LIVE together. 2) He is passive-aggressive. He doesn't express anger, ever. He chameleons for other people and for me. It makes it hard for me to trust him emotionally. I know for certain he'd never hurt me on purpose, or cheat on me, but the other stuff is scary. 3) We rarely go out to dinner. We split rent and groceries. He makes almost 6 figures and I just lost my job. He hasn't once asked me if I'm ok with money, even though it's not his job to do so. I have bought him little gifts here and there...several times...he has never done that for me. Basically, I'm bored as sh*t. I want to be able to go out with my man/love, have a few drinks and shoot the sh*t. 4) I recently saw an email between him and his mom where he had told her that something that caused her to write him back in great concern regarding me. It was recently when I was in CA and had lost my job and was really, really stressed. But the tone in the email was as though she was worried about my bf. I feel like he violated my privacy. I confronted him (by the way, the email was sitting on the computer screen so I couldn't miss it) and he told me that she simply asked how I was and he told her. But her reply in the email said, "How are things with her? I worried all day". It was as though there was a huge crisis. 5) He can't recall events properly or consistently. He will recall a story or situation and tell it to me in 3 or 4 different ways (no exaggeration) at different times. This includes stories about his ex (most people relate a story or 2 about an ex), his best friends, anything you could think of. 6) He used to watch porn 2-3 times a day. I felt like this affected our sex life, so I asked him if he was choosing that over me -- he said no. In the beginning, we were having sex a couple of times a day...but then he started having a lower sex drive, so I thought it could be the excessive porn..so he stopped watching it. Now his sex drive is really low. On top of it, he used to watch porn and lie about it. We had huge issues over this, because it's not PORN i have a problem with -- it's weird behavior I have a problem with. And the porn has played a role. Now he has a difficult time getting an erection and it gets uncomfortable for him until I give him a pep talk. In a nutshell, I feel like I have done EVERYTHING I can to communicate with him. He is not adventurous, I am. So, you ask why do I stay? BEcause in my heart, I love the man. But it's getting to the point where things feel so tough for me that I don't know if love is enough anymore. MAybe I'm not supposed to be with him. I'm dying over this...it's killing my desire and zest for life. The hardest part is that he is such a sweet person, someone I truly admire and love. I am extremely honest with my faults and overly communicative. I will always accept my share of negative blame, so we don't argue much at all -- we tend to agree on most things in the end. He also doesn't get walked on -- he will throw up boundaries when applicable, so it's not like he is weak. Any opinions guys on #s 1-7? My guy says he's in love with me, etc etc etc. But I think maybe there is an age thing going on. He's 25, I'm 28. I expect so, so much more, and it's NOT HIS FAULT. How do you suggest I bridge the gap? I feel frustrated. I complain ALL of the time. I feel like a horrible person. help. WOW. I HAD THE SAME PROBLEMS BEFORE BUT MY GF AND I JUST SAT DOWN AND TALKED ABOUT ALL THIS [WE TOOK TIME OFF TO WORK ON ISSUES] AND NOW NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE PROBLEMS - WINK
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