notmakingsense Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 Ok, so I did the breaking up a little over 2 weeks ago. After an up-and-down relationship (meaning we've broken up before more than a few times) that lasted 3 years, I called it quits via e-mail because she wasn't returning my calls one day. Think of it as the 'straw that broke the camel's back'. She would never commit, would never go out of her way for me, try to spend time when it wasn't convenient, invite me in to her circle of friends, etc. My e-mail was relatively short, and from her perspective, probably unexpected. We were to be going on holiday together next week, and I'm sure she was happily off in her world of non-commitment when my e-mail arrived. The reasons for my break-up were no surprise.... we've talked about it before... its just my e-mail was. I was cordial, even wished her all the best at the end of the note, and apologized for the fact that I had to do it via e-mail. Well, since then -- not a peep from her. She knows I dumped her because she was treating me badly, and I also know that she admits to keeping me at arms length this way. What is bothering me now is that there isn't one shred of guilt on her part. No "I'm sorry" note. No acknowledgement that I was justified in my actions. Look, I know I'm just venting here. As the dumper I should expect that she would go NC immediately. She's also very stubborn. This quite possibly could turn into another "and they never spoke to eachother again" story. Does that make me feel bad? Sure. I know that we don't stand a real chance as a couple, but I feel that her silence means that it will be hard to be friendly with eachother if we do happen to run in to eachother again -- which will probably happen -- we live in a small town. Ugh. I was doing so well until now. Thanks for listening.
Guest Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 the one thing i have learned regarding expectations is do not assume hers will be the same as yours. she will do what she wants when she wants so its best to just focus on what you are doing. if she calls - great. if not - that's the way it goes. the other night i was thinking about how great it would be to talk again but instead of dwelling on that and getting bummed out when no call came - i just popped in a movie, had some takeout then went to bed.
amaysngrace Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 That has to be one of the most coward and inconsiderate ways to break up with someone. No offense but seriously. If the guy I'd been seeing off and on for the past three years did that to me and I ran into him, I would only feel awkward to be so dumb to have wasted three years of my life on a guy who shows the utmost disrespect for me and what we had together. It's a complete certainty he'd never hear from me again.
Kelso Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 You just dumped her - and she's probably familiar with the NC if she has ever been dumped before. And definetly if she's been on and off with you for some years. She's probably during the NC now and you know that the ball is in your court now. Don't suggest playing any games though On the other hand my ex broke up with me 8 weeks ago and I haven't heard a peep and it's quite frustrating. But I know she's been checking my blog and my MySpace. You're probably giving a lot of us boost here by coming here as a dumper and admiting that you think of her a lot and really telling us that it bothers you that she hasn't contacted... Thank you
Guest Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 my burpday is this weekend and i can't think of a better prezzie than a call from a certain someone.
Author notmakingsense Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 That has to be one of the most coward and inconsiderate ways to break up with someone. No offense but seriously. If the guy I'd been seeing off and on for the past three years did that to me and I ran into him, I would only feel awkward to be so dumb to have wasted three years of my life on a guy who shows the utmost disrespect for me and what we had together. It's a complete certainty he'd never hear from me again. Amaysing..... I totally understand your comment and where it is coming from, but you need to know a bit more about our history. All of our past breakups were initiated by her... usually by just not returning my calls and weeks later sending a note telling me how she's sorry and just not sure... In this last event, I tried for 12 hours straight to call her, leaving voice-mail message asking her to please call me back. We were not fighting or anything -- she was spending the day with some girlfriends and her cell phone was working just fine. She has been disrespecting me for a long time now (just go search my posts), I am very positive she feels bad about how she's treated me, and I'm the one who feels dumb for spending so much time and effort on a person who cared for me as little as she did.
Author notmakingsense Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 You just dumped her - and she's probably familiar with the NC if she has ever been dumped before. And definetly if she's been on and off with you for some years. She's probably during the NC now and you know that the ball is in your court now. Don't suggest playing any games though On the other hand my ex broke up with me 8 weeks ago and I haven't heard a peep and it's quite frustrating. But I know she's been checking my blog and my MySpace. You're probably giving a lot of us boost here by coming here as a dumper and admiting that you think of her a lot and really telling us that it bothers you that she hasn't contacted... Thank you I'm sure dumpers always think about their exes. As for me, this is the first time I've ever dumped someone, and I feel horrible. As I've mentioned, I was the dumpee for several breakups with this same woman over the last three years.... all related to one thing: her fear of commitment. I just got so sick of her distancing, that when she ignored by attempts at contact once again, I did the only thing I could -- write a note. It bothers me that she hasn't contacted me because she knows how badly she has treated me and why I did what I did. I may have done the dumping, but I feel like the dumpee and that I was forced in to it. Technically the ball is in my court I guess -- but I'm not going to contact her. If this relationship is to be saved, it is by her -- despite the fact that I did the dumping this time.
Author notmakingsense Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 the one thing i have learned regarding expectations is do not assume hers will be the same as yours. she will do what she wants when she wants so its best to just focus on what you are doing. if she calls - great. if not - that's the way it goes. the other night i was thinking about how great it would be to talk again but instead of dwelling on that and getting bummed out when no call came - i just popped in a movie, had some takeout then went to bed. Thanks -- I'm doing pretty well this time.... much better than in past breakups. I get so angry that she lets our relationship deteriorate like this, that I quicly get beyond the hurt that it has caused, and I can re-channel that energy to something constructive -- like getting busy and reconnecting with friends and family.
amaysngrace Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 Fair enough. I realized that as I was typing it that she failed to respect you as well. She should have brought you into her world more and she didn't. Did you let her know it bothered you to be excluded? My BF and I don't talk sometimes for a day or so. Sometimes I think it's bad to do but in a way when we finally do talk we are calm to discuss whatever it was that made us stop talking in the first place. I know how it feels to be waiting for the phone call. And I also know how it feels to be the one make the phone call. I also know how it feels to get the phone call, or not... Do you miss her and regret not having her in your life?
Author notmakingsense Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 Fair enough. I realized that as I was typing it that she failed to respect you as well. She should have brought you into her world more and she didn't. Did you let her know it bothered you to be excluded? My BF and I don't talk sometimes for a day or so. Sometimes I think it's bad to do but in a way when we finally do talk we are calm to discuss whatever it was that made us stop talking in the first place. I know how it feels to be waiting for the phone call. And I also know how it feels to be the one make the phone call. I also know how it feels to get the phone call, or not... Do you miss her and regret not having her in your life? You have no idea about just how many times we have discussed the topic. She admits freely about being afraid of getting very serios again and she knows very well how I feel about being excluded. Our last break up was over the summer. Then, in early september, she found out I was moving on by dating, and she coyly started asking me about it. I, not being over her, let on to just how much I was missing her. She was dating also, and after an emotional get-together, broke it off with the man she was seeing and professed her love for me. We once again reconnected and spent a very passionate few months together.... but, she still kept me at a distance -- even after we both spoke of love, marriage, and a life together! 2 weeks ago I called to ask her a question. I knew she was having some friends over, and I know that when she has friends over, she doesn't like to talk when I call -- because to her, this crosses the line into the world of being serious.... So, even though I knew she probably wouldnt call back, I tried 2 or 3 more times over the course of the entire day to no avail -- almost to prove to myself what a b*tch we was being to me. At face value, it was incredibly silly for me to have sent her that note --- but when you consider the 3 year history of her distancing herself from me.... well, I just snapped like I have never snapped before. I simply told her via mail that I could not bear going through one more holiday season of her keeping me at a distance, and that I felt we should now move on. Of course I miss her. But when I think about it, I think I'm actually missing the thought of her really being in love with me and wanting me. This never was reality. It is the fact that she isn't saying she's sorry, reaching out to me to help make things happen -- even though I am the dumper -- that helps remind me that we weren't meant to be.
amaysngrace Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 You know she very well may be in love with you. She could just be emotionally avoidant. Some people are like this. They won't open up fully because they fear closeness or they really just don't know how to. I have found that some people have more capacity for loving others. Some people can love you but it's just not with the intensity that you require. If you have a big heart and you give big love, you really should have that in return. Some people just aren't able to get there.
Author notmakingsense Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 You know she very well may be in love with you. She could just be emotionally avoidant. Some people are like this. They won't open up fully because they fear closeness or they really just don't know how to. I have found that some people have more capacity for loving others. Some people can love you but it's just not with the intensity that you require. If you have a big heart and you give big love, you really should have that in return. Some people just aren't able to get there. Yes, I think so -- this is a very astute observation. I do believe she is (or was) in love with me. She's a very genuine person, but it takes a long time to open up and be vocal. So when she did vocalize her love for me, I believed it. But I do need more now. I can't go on -- year after year -- trying to make her comfortable that I'm in it for the long haul and that she can trust in the saftety of my love for her -- only to not have it reciprocated. Part of her avoidance is classic commitment phobia. She was married 17 years to a man who cheated repeatedly. We didn't meet until nearly 2 years after her split with him, but she's deeply scarred nonetheless. I believe the other part of her avoidance is simply not being used to someone who loves as intensely as I do. Please note that I'm not clingy or overly needy.... it took 3 years for me to reach my limit! But, it is time for me to move on now..... I feel much different than during the past breakups when she dissappeared from me.... I feel much more strongly about the fact that I did the right thing.... I'm just dissppointed that she apparently feels the same way because she isn't trying to come after me...
Guest Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 ok..she dumped me but she had to because of me. but i don't have her email or phone number and i want her to call - i want to be with her i will commit in every way i can't make this clearer to her we have this time right now to wipe away everything and move forward together if she is hear i ask her to post something with a YES or NO title if YES i will go home and await her call or she can come over if in 10 minutes i see nothing then i accept her answer and will not try to do something she doesn't want looking to the stars
amaysngrace Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 I'm just dissppointed that she apparently feels the same way because she isn't trying to come after me... I know it hurts but really her indifference is a favor to you. It's better than hoping for a love from her that she isn't able to give to you. Things aren't likely to change with her. And the more time you are with her the more time you are wasting if she makes you feel bad. You deserve someone who loves you completely. She seems to only have it in her to love half-way. Try not to take it personally. She would love any other man the same way most likely. It's not about you at all.
Guest Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 this is not hard C. do u want to be with me as H and W and for us to figure out how to get there? if not, that's ok. but to do things like posting in here has really gone on too long. here is the time where u make the call babe - i know u can do it either way i believe in u
Author notmakingsense Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 I know it hurts but really her indifference is a favor to you. It's better than hoping for a love from her that she isn't able to give to you. Things aren't likely to change with her. And the more time you are with her the more time you are wasting if she makes you feel bad. You deserve someone who loves you completely. She seems to only have it in her to love half-way. Try not to take it personally. She would love any other man the same way most likely. It's not about you at all. AG -- you have made me feel better. Thank you very much!
amaysngrace Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 AG -- you have made me feel better. Thank you very much! I'm glad and thank you for saying so. Have a good night.
Guest Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 ahhh, she does love me - i knew it she has no idea how great things will be now. she probably doesn't realize how good things will be - oh well and her silence and NC has shown me how to improve and get better - words aren't needed now the rest is just want she wants and if she is just worried or anxious - thats ok - i understand but, C, know this, that MAN u saw and wanted - is there up to you if u want that take care
Guest Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 AHHHHHHHH, my last post looks really dumb now. she's married now. i didn't know. ok, nothing one can do and it's really a big sign that when she said it was over she meant it was OVER!
MagnoliaJane Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 NMS, I understand it must be a pretty confusing experience breaking up with someone you love, when deep down you don't want to break up, and yet you do for not feeling respected enough. The NC from her after your message seems to confirm that lack of respect... Love does not justify everything. She might love you, but if she can't reach out to you, then what good does that love brings you? I don't believe not reaching out can be put forward as some excuse (of commitment phobia, or her scarred past). Haven't we all been scarred? I'm asking myself these same questions: why is it so hard to let go of someone hurtful? Someone who doesn't love us back equally, and yet we keep loving them as we did before. I don't think it can be attributed (solely) to "we want what we don't have". It may be more along the lines of "we were given something (before) that we didn't find within ourselves". Or perhaps it is the attention we got. The thought of being important to somebody, special, unique, seen or understood for whom we want to be seen. Me too, I take pride in keeping away from the ex, vanished, lost, gone. But it's a hard battle, one that gets even harder when you suspect that may not even impact them as hard as it hurts you. Magnolia
MagnoliaJane Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 ps. What if the attempt WOULD come? Would that change things? Wouldn't you feel compelled to answer? Wouldn't that start things all over again?
Author notmakingsense Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 Thanks for your notes Magnolia.... I've thought a little about what I would do if she called. I, like you, so very much want to remain strong if that happens. I want to stick to my principles and only give in if I get truer signs of commitment and respect. I don't want to just melt and agree to a reconnection so quickly. You and I have similar situations in that we find ourselves so drawn to someone who hurt us. I think that if we keep working on our self-esteem and boundary setting, that we will discover that nobody is "great" enough that we should ignore our own needs.
MagnoliaJane Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 NMS, As much as I hate to admit it, life without the ex is a lot more dull and colorless. Yesterday I had to go to a social gathering from work and it was pretty lame. I felt like I might as well be in my 60s instead of 37... Do you have the same feeling about your ex? Imagine this: what if your ex would commit to you and you would start living life as a couple with all its boring routines? Would she still remain equally attractive to you?
MagnoliaJane Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 Besides, what would you do if she called and you talked a bit and then she says "maybe you want to talk in person? Maybe we can go see a movie or something"? What would you tell her?
Author notmakingsense Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 I have had much passion and romance with her, and, as long as I'm willing to be patient and not ask for more, I could continue to get that from her indefinitely. I want the boring also. I want someone who is sharing in all aspects of life, not just the "fun" times. I don't mean this in an unhealthy way -- I have my own friends, activities, and hobies -- and I will continue to have those -- but I want someone to say hello, goodnight, and good-morning to every day. I have been in a marriage and long-term relationships before... I'm not one of those people who only stay attracted when the times are fun... So yes, I would not only remain attracted to her, I would become more attracted to her.... When put that way, I would agree that life is not as fun without a significant other -- but maybe that is our problem. Maybe we need to get to the point where it doesn't seem to matter any longer -- and that just might be the point at which we find someone right for us? I think about that a lot. One thing that is very interesting is that my ex-gf is this way -- she truly seems happy without having someone constantly in her life. I just don't like the idea of living out the rest of my life that way....
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