BeenThere22 Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 I've been involved with a MW for some time and her marriage is rocky to say the least. They had already separated for a period of time but decided to try to work things out. He made the promise of changing but, as you could've guessed, he's back to his old habits. According to what she tells me he's controlling, selfish, inattentive to her sexual and emotional needs, etc. At times verbally abusive and bordering on physically abusive (grabbing her in anger). On the flip side there's me who treats her like a queen. She frequently tells me she wants a life with me but feels helpless in her situation. What frustrates me is her inability to do anything to change her situation. I don't just mean leaving him but also acting to stop him from treating her in a way that makes her feel worthless. I can see her self-esteem being chipped away and he's very adept at creating a lifestyle for her that makes her extremely dependent on him for a number of things. For the most part I just want her to take control of her life regardless of whether or not it includes me. At least I would know that her actions are a result of free will and not her perception that her path in life is beyond her direction. Any thoughts, tips, feedback or suggestions?
ratingsguy Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 She's clearly stuck between a rock and a hard place if she's very dependant on him. I guess it depends on how badly she wants to get out. Anyone can go get a job to support themselves, and I'm sure you would be more than happy to help her out in whatever way you can. I think the best course of action here is to have a heart to heart with her. Find out exactly what she wants and needs, and what her specific hesitations are for leaving her M. Once that's resolved, she needs to have a heart to heart with her H. If nothing comes of that, she just needs to build the courage and strength to leave this relationship.
puddleofmud Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 You can't fix this--she is damaged (perhaps unfairly) and will be beyond repair unless she chooses to fix her self. Damage doesn't necessarily equal damnation. Thus your hope for her is quite wonderful. You can't do this for her. The affair may haved offered her an excuse to not realize her true situation and do her own work to take her life into her hands. Or it may have offered her an example for what she truly needs and wants. She has gone back to her marriage and needs to be there, even if it may be that she learns that she doesn't need to be there. It may take a week and it may take many years. This was her choice as an adult. She knows where you are and what you are about as you are great example of what is good and kind. Don't wait. Pray for her every night, but go on with your life. If she should show up someday on your doorstep...(maybe she will or maybe she won't) then you can decide how you feel then. My guess would be that she won't and if she does you will be too happy to be concerned for anything other than her welfare.
MOMMIE Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 Have you asked her: If he's so terrible and you're so great, then why doesn't she leave him for you? I've often heard that the one cheating always puts the blame on the person their cheating on....I don't know how true that is, but you should ask her to leave him for you...chances are her tune will change
BeenThere22 Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 The affair may haved offered her an excuse to not realize her true situation and do her own work to take her life into her hands. Or it may have offered her an example for what she truly needs and wants. I think it's a little of both. Some days I feel like I'm enabling her to stay in her marriage since she can rely on me for those things she isn't getting. But yes we have also had the conversation about her leaving him and she's said that what she truly wants is to be with me. Problem is that she never takes any steps in that direction. She'll say that the situation is complicated or that there are strings attached or that she can't just wake up one day and say she's leaving. When I press her even harder she'll tell me that she's afraid of change and that she wonders if she might miss him once it's over. For me I'm tired of waiting. Tired of being the guy who is always on call yet has to stay invisible in the rest of her life. I love her dearly and have given her every assurance of my intentions. Every now and then she'll say something like, "I love you, no matter what happens" and it makes my heart sink a little. She doesn't want to have to make this decision but rather let others make it for her. I told her the only thing I can decide to do - is leave.
BeenThere22 Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 Have you asked her: If he's so terrible and you're so great, then why doesn't she leave him for you? Oh yeah - trust me I've asked. I get the sense at one time he was wonderful (just as everyone is when you decide to marry them) and she still hopes for him to snap back to the way he was. She also seems to think that her relationship with me will follow the same trajectory. That I'll eventually tire of her and treat her the same way so why bother divorcing.
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