moman Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 What is the best way to boost a ladies' confidence without appearing either a)needy or b)insincere? My current girl has low self-confidence. I think she has convinced herself that I don't like her ever though I dearly care for her and want her to know that I do like her and want to support her as she works through her insecurities from her past breakup. Apart from telling her I miss her and think of her, I'm kind of at a loss of what to do. I don't want to seem overly sensitive and I don't expect anything in return. thoughts?
Porn_Guy Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 there's really nothing you can do in this situation. true confidence is soemthing that one must find themselves.
Pyro Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 there's really nothing you can do in this situation. true confidence is soemthing that one must find themselves. You don't find confidence yourself. Friends, loved ones and other life changing positive experiences are all key factors.
blind_otter Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 You don't find confidence yourself. Friends, loved ones and other life changing positive experiences are all key factors. Riddler, don't discount porn guy's post because you have a personal issue with him. He's actually right, according to my therapist and Dr. David Burns, author of the best primer on cognitive behavioral psych that I have ever read (and I've read a lot of self help books). Self confidence comes from within and nothing anyone outside the individual does will effect that. Low self-confidence is directly related to how you view yourself, where you rate on teh scale of pessimism/optimism, and a whole host of other things. External components, like friends and lovers, can only boost what is already there. You can't create something out of nothing.
Pyro Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 Riddler, don't discount porn guy's post because you have a personal issue with him. He's actually right, according to my therapist and Dr. David Burns, author of the best primer on cognitive behavioral psych that I have ever read (and I've read a lot of self help books). Self confidence comes from within and nothing anyone outside the individual does will effect that. Low self-confidence is directly related to how you view yourself, where you rate on teh scale of pessimism/optimism, and a whole host of other things. External components, like friends and lovers, can only boost what is already there. You can't create something out of nothing. I agree that it comes from within one's self and you can't create something out of nothing, but it has been in my experience that support from my friends and being able to learn from my mistakes played a big part in me having more confidence in myself.
DanielMadr Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 What is the best way to boost a ladies' confidence without appearing either a)needy or b)insincere? My current girl has low self-confidence. I think she has convinced herself that I don't like her ever though I dearly care for her and want her to know that I do like her and want to support her as she works through her insecurities from her past breakup. Apart from telling her I miss her and think of her, I'm kind of at a loss of what to do. I don't want to seem overly sensitive and I don't expect anything in return. thoughts? Im not sure man. Every time I had thoughts like you have now and I tried to assure her of my interest by words....it repelled her. Its better to shut up, smile, touch and kiss. If she needs some kind of assurance (written at best) to let her guard off.....she has serious problems, man. You not being psychlogist....better move on.
blind_otter Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 I agree that it comes from within one's self and you can't create something out of nothing, but it has been in my experience that support from my friends and being able to learn from my mistakes played a big part in me having more confidence in myself. And I agree that those external components boost what was already there. You know you come across as pretty self confident, that's a good thing.
Pyro Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 And I agree that those external components boost what was already there. You know you come across as pretty self confident, that's a good thing. I am not sure if it was already there though. When my life turned around and changed for the better, it sort of happened all at once.
blind_otter Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 thoughts? I agree with DanielMadr - it's never a good idea to try to be your partner's therapist. Can't you just tell her that you think she has low self-esteem and that it's affecting your relationship?
blind_otter Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 I am not sure if it was already there though. When my life turned around and changed for the better, it sort of happened all at once. I'd guess that 90% of it was because you decided to get better, you know what I'm saying? I get what you're saying too but for me....the changes started happening only recently when I made the committment to myself to get better.
Pyro Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 I'd guess that 90% of it was because you decided to get better, you know what I'm saying? I get what you're saying too but for me....the changes started happening only recently when I made the committment to myself to get better. A big part of change is to have the want or desire to do it. I get what you are saying too. I guess that you have to have the confidence to become confident.
Author moman Posted December 15, 2006 Author Posted December 15, 2006 The problem is the girl has some esteem issues because (and I'm surmising here) an ex knocked her down a bit. I want her to know and believe that I like her and care about her. But how much help can I do, and what is too much (like telling her how great she is, etc)? I've been in situations where you say the same thing so often that people just don't believe you anymore, or think there is some other motive (just for sex). I just want it to be clear to her that I like (and love) her for her, and that's that.
DanielMadr Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 The problem is the girl has some esteem issues because (and I'm surmising here) an ex knocked her down a bit. I want her to know and believe that I like her and care about her. But how much help can I do, and what is too much (like telling her how great she is, etc)? I've been in situations where you say the same thing so often that people just don't believe you anymore, or think there is some other motive (just for sex). I just want it to be clear to her that I like (and love) her for her, and that's that. ...then love her, have sex with her and stay with her that will be your best compliment/esteem boost. Other motive (just for sex)???? Get rid of this thinking. Girls want to have sex too....with man they respect - love. And if you love her it is pretty natural you want to sleep with her. Having doubts about her doubts wont get you anywhere.
norajane Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 The problem is the girl has some esteem issues because (and I'm surmising here) an ex knocked her down a bit. I want her to know and believe that I like her and care about her. But how much help can I do, and what is too much (like telling her how great she is, etc)? I've been in situations where you say the same thing so often that people just don't believe you anymore, or think there is some other motive (just for sex). I just want it to be clear to her that I like (and love) her for her, and that's that. If her self-esteem took a hit because of an ex, then I think there's a lot you can do. Most of it is showing your affection when you are with her, and letting her know you're thinking about her when you aren't. There are some other things you can do: - when you're out together in a group, boast about your girl to others and tell them how proud you are of her (mention how she just got a promotion at work, or how she's becoming an expert at basket-weaving, or how beautiful she is, or how she just ran in a 5k, or got an A in her class, or what a great writer she is - anything that she does well or is proud of herself). It's good if she's standing next to you when you say it, but even if she isn't, someone is likely to mention to her how highly you speak of her all the time. - ask her to help you with something that she knows how to do better than you, and then thank her and compliment her for it. "Honey, all my plants keep dying. Your plants are always great - you have such a green thumb. Would you mind helping me and taking a look at them?" "Sweetheart, would you help me shop for my sister's Christmas present? You have such good taste, and I know you'd be able to help me pick out something she'd really like." - compliment her on things she does when you notice she's doing them. "Wow, you were so nice to that waitress even though she got our order all wrong. I really admire how you can keep your cool with people." - ask her for her opinion or advice. "How does this tie look with this shirt?" "What do you think of the Iraq war/ latest movie/book she's reading/anything?" "What do you think I should do about...?"
Recommended Posts