bluescreenlife Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 So I realized yesterday that I've been single for a year now. My thoughts have spent some time in break-up land over the past couple days, and there's been some relapse action... but I've also been reflecting on how this past year has changed me as a person. So here's a little case study in first breakups. The backstory: I was dating my first serious (and younger, 20 to my 25) gf, I graduated university and we went long-distance. She talked me into an open relationship, had an EA with the guy she was fooling around with, broke up with me, and the break got messy when we kept in touch and she started dating him. I took it pretty hard, being a sensitive dude who was going through post-graduate readjustment, and losing his first love on top of that... not to be self-pitying but it's been a difficult year. But it's also been a year in which I've grown more than in any other time in my life. Reflecting on the whole experience (sometime excessively, I'll admit) has made me realize so much more about love, things I never had a clue about before. LS has helped with that. & I have a whole new set of tools to make future relationships work. I've felt more and more different things over the past two years than ever before - love and desire and need and affection, intimacy, through to anger and confusion and self-pity and self-criticism and guilt, all the gremlins I've had to starve and squash (still working on anger a bit, that's a tough one)... more and more I'm able to see this as a step on the way to emotional maturity, and as a huge bundle of harsh lessons that I needed to learn. I'm thankful for this year and I'm thankful I was single - it's really for the best in the long run that I work this stuff out, and I've come a hell of a long way. Slow I know, but hey, I've never done this before. Now, thanks to my holiday relapse I'm thinking about her more than usual (I'm doing a lot better these days) but I'm much more able to deal with it now. I don't take her as seriously as I once did - in fact I laugh more in general, all my emotions are stronger - and I'm better at putting my focus elsewhere. I'm definitely more confident, now that I've thrown off her image of me and remembered who I am... and appreciated who I've become. I'm a man now, I've been through some hard sh** and dealt with it and come out on top. I'm stronger and wiser and a lot sharper when it comes to dating. And I might not know what I want now (in retrospect we were NOT a good match, and there's almost nothing to add to my model of a good relationship, besides good cuddling and sex) but I have a much better idea of what I don't want. And I'm keeping an open mind and I'm not afraid to love or trust again... I've learned all I can from this and I'm looking forward to giving romance another shot. That's my bit of navel-gazing for today... my little loveshack blog. Happy holidays to you all!
Guest Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 YAY! Good for you. This is what I want to get out of my breakup
bchlvr Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 It's great that you're thinking about emotional maturity in your relationships, now while you're in your 20's. Our 20's is all about getting a picture of who we are in relationships, discovering our patterns (good and bad), especially in dealing with intimacy and conflict. I only wish I had tools like LS when I was in my 20's and 30's. Noone really teaches us this stuff...it's trial and error. You are obviously learning a great deal even through the pain, and are remaining open and optimistic about the future. That's inspiring.
Guest Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 congrats blue. well done. i feel the same as u. and i am sure u, as i, feel the same way about the woman that was in our life at the time. i am 100% sure she has gone thru the same amount of hurt and pain, and refection and is better for it just as i am. and i agree with the statement, we were NOT a good match - then. But we would be NOW. Because we are better people for have gone thru that, actually gone thru it together, and in the position to share what we have learned with them better than with someone new. Does that mean, that would happen? Who the heck knows what life is all about that way. The only thing I know is that I am grateful for the time spent with her and I regret nothing. It was a special time in my life because it was when I grew up and started having a life, not at the expense of others.
Author bluescreenlife Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 Noone really teaches us this stuff...it's trial and error. You are obviously learning a great deal even through the pain, and are remaining open and optimistic about the future. That's inspiring. Thanks.. the way I see it, I don't really have a choice on that. Getting bitter is not an option, I've only got one life to live here. Maybe the best thing to come out of this is that I'm much better at refusing to tolerate negative thoughts. Any time a self-critical I'm-a-loser type thought comes up, it's immediately marked as bullsh** and thrown in the trash. Definitely a useful life skill. It's interesting that when I have those thoughts I also usually imagine it's my ex talking... I've been lucky in that I've found a good job, and I have a great social life - lots of my friends are grad students and they're smart and know how to have fun. Guelph is a good little city. & I've always been active in terms of hobbies and interests, which really helps as well. I really am different now, a lot more confident and outgoing, and it's interesting to see how I react to situations now. I've got a lot more backbone and I'm not as naive in thinking that someone I'm dating is always going to treat me well. What bothers me most now is the whole sexual aspect of it... almost all my sexual history is with my ex, and having that end in a cuckold doesn't exactly reinforce that sex = pleasure in my mind. But I'm working on remembering how good it felt, apart from the lousy ending... and I think that's one area where meeting someone new will definitely help. I still get angry about the emotional affair sometimes... I catch myself imagining some of our more painful post-breakup conversations, and saying "f**k you" a lot more often. Forgiveness comes slowly I guess... but it helps to see her point of view, and I'm trying to make those feelings a smaller part of my life by making my life bigger and better. Get fitter not bitter, I say... So yeah, I'm doing my best. To the last guest: yeah, if I had known at the start of the relationship what I know now, it would have turned out better. "Trial and error" is a great way to describe the whole thing; there was a lot of both. I'm thankful for the lessons I learned, harsh as they were... but I don't see the whole experience of being with her as positively as you do. Maybe I'm being unfairly negative about the relationship, so I won't do anything stupid like wanting it back. There's still a conflict of tender feelings vs. hard ones, but it seems like both are shrinking equally and bringing me toward god-blessed indifference. Thanks for your replies and for reading my extended ramblings... healing and happiness to all...
Sand&Water Posted December 17, 2006 Posted December 17, 2006 RE: It is incredibly good to see you, Bluescreenlife, expressively write out your thoughts and visions about the whole experience without excessively re-thinking about the negative aspects of the break-up. I'm keeping an open mind and I'm not afraid to love or trust again... This is to your advantage. The right path to take -especially when attempting to get back into the dating scene. There are so many men and women who repeatedly go over the mishaps and misfortunes of the relationship and never seem to be content with the outcome. Definitely an eye opening experience to take with you into the future -landing that special second relationship, will re-enforce the lessons learnt. Hopefully, though, there will not be a rebound phase. It is a hideous cycle. Be careful, you don't give into the temptation of reconnecting with your ex -simply due to foolish, and weak behaviour on your part. From what you have written about her, no doubt in my mind, you are better off without her. The emotional affair she had can never slowly be swept away under the rug and forever be dismissed. Continue to embrace the finer things, people and loved ones in life. The pay-off is remarkable. By the way, Guelph is a beautiful city -never been there myself, but heard a great deal about it. Well known for its agriculture and biology programs. Keep up the good work! Regards, Sand&Water
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