whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 because I hate the fact that he's lying to her. I hate the fact that she isn't being given that warning that her husband is straying, that he's thinking of leaving. He isn't telling her that, and that upsets me. If it were me, I'd want to know. I feel really bad about that. But, he's even further from wanting a reconciliation with her than ever. And it's not my relationship. But you are helping him lie to her by being in the affair with him. You may feel bad about it but not bad enough to end it and walk away from him so he can actually attempt to fix his marriage and find those feelings he has for his wife again. I don't mean to sound harsh, but ofcourse he's far from reconcilling with her! If you two weren't having an affair, there's a good chance they'd be in MC together and working to fix the marriage.
lasan Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 But you are helping him lie to her by being in the affair with him. You may feel bad about it but not bad enough to end it and walk away from him so he can actually attempt to fix his marriage and find those feelings he has for his wife again. I don't mean to sound harsh, but ofcourse he's far from reconcilling with her! If you two weren't having an affair, there's a good chance they'd be in MC together and working to fix the marriage. or divorced because he wound;t have anything making his time there more bearable. He would actually have to deal with his relationship and either make it work or get out.
BUTAFLY Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 ofcourse he's far from reconcilling with her! If you two weren't having an affair, there's a good chance they'd be in MC together and working to fix the marriage. This sounds sweet, but with these type of MM the reality is if she wasn't having an A with him he would find another OW. It is nice to have that glimmer of hope. As my exmm put it "I made my bed now I guess I have to lie in it."
bonehead Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 But as the OM I can. ( Ya know this board is very sexist ) My feelings about her husband truly have gone one extreme to the other. I like him as a person, but I think she could have done better. But I also think she could do better then me. I think he was a poor husband. But a fairly desent father to his kids. Did I ever envy him? No. Hate him? No dispise him? What do you think when I had to go start her car in a parking lot in the dead of winter because he was " Busy lift weights "
BUTAFLY Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 How can you EXPECT a MM that lies to his current wife and has broken his vows.. his bond of love to his wife.. How can you expect him to tell you the truth?? It is never going to happen.. he will ALWAYS lie to you.. God A_C...truer words were never spoken I agree with both of you guys..Thats why the wife needs to be let in on his little secret so she can know what we know... that he will always lie!
frannie Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 But you are helping him lie to her by being in the affair with him. You may feel bad about it but not bad enough to end it and walk away from him so he can actually attempt to fix his marriage and find those feelings he has for his wife again. I don't mean to sound harsh, but ofcourse he's far from reconcilling with her! If you two weren't having an affair, there's a good chance they'd be in MC together and working to fix the marriage. No, I don't feel bad enough to end it. For one reason, because I disagree with the second half of your comments. They were already a million miles apart when I met him, and if I wasn't in the picture, they'd still be miles apart. He doesn't want to reconcile with her, it's gone too far, and as far as he's concerned there's no going back. As I said in my earlier post, he split up with me once, but had no intention of making anything work with her: the intention was just to forget me, and stay for the children. OK, it could be, that IF we broke up and I wasn't around, and IF his wife suddenly changed and made an effort AND so did he, their relationship would have a chance of working. Perhaps. My walking away wouldn't miraculously make all the rest happen, or change his heart. Too much water under the bridge.
frannie Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 or divorced because he wound;t have anything making his time there more bearable. He would actually have to deal with his relationship and either make it work or get out. Knowing him, I don't think they would have divorced. I think he's very good at 'head down' forget everything, for the sake of being there.
frannie Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 This sounds sweet, but with these type of MM the reality is if she wasn't having an A with him he would find another OW. It is nice to have that glimmer of hope. As my exmm put it "I made my bed now I guess I have to lie in it." I think that might have been a possibility, too, if the 'right' opportunity came along. But given what's happened... all this falling in love stuff... I don't think he'd get involved with another person again. He's seen what it's done to me, and as far as he's concerned too... too much stress and anxiety, and for what..? His life is split into two. Some people might find that easy, but it's not for everyone.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 With all my obsessing about the OW, I never really thought about how she felt about me. I do know that when I found out about the affair, she was afraid that I was going to come after her and hurt her. That would never cross my mind. I certainly wanted to beat the crap out of my husband, but I have never even thought about going after the OW. I have never met her or spoken to her. Other than that, I have no idea how she felt about me. I can only imagine that she didn't really care about me at all, but then I read about OW hating the BW. I'm curious to know how the OW here feel about the BW. I'm not asking this in relation to my situation, I really don't care how she feels about me, I'm asking the OW here about theirs. Just curious I guess. Thought I'd reply, too...I didn't know about her for so long, that when i found out about her, I felt that my situation was seperate from hers...I don't know much about her, he doesn't say much and I am not one to ask, because I think that what's between them is their business, not mine...but every once and while, he'll talk about what's wrong with them...in the beginning never (after I found out), but for the past three months, he'll talk more... I don't hate her at all, how can I hate someone I don't know, who didn't put me in this situation? I feel bad for her...But no, not bad enough to end the situation...But the initial post didn't ask about that, so I thought I'd put my two cents in, too...
sadie b Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 Well my MM and I have been BF for years and although I have never met his BW I know of her through friends, himself etc. Feelings are really very changeable, I know that they get on well enough and are friends so I know that she is relatively happy which I prefer. I feel really guilty when they are fighting if she finds some evidence of A because I know she has done nothing to deserve this. She is not a bad wife and a really good person and I honestly wish her no pain. She found my phone number about 12 months ago and I txt her back to assure her nothing was going on and really tried to do the best thing to ease her feelings. If his M ends then I dont want the A to be the reason to her I will be introduced after an amount of time and I would like for everything to be done in the kindest possible way. None of this excuses that we are in the middle of an A but I really feel guilty about what we are doing to her. Then I also believe if she doesnt know she cant get hurt, granted this is a big risk but I will do everything to make any changes etc as little pain etc as possible.
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