elisabeth160 Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 I don't know quite what to tell. But basically I've come to the conclusion that I hate my mom. Its always been me and her, we were close. Slept next to eachother holding hands when I was young. I'd tell her everything. But when I was young I was to small to realize her real actions. I was always the adult trying to take care of my mom. Emotionally anyways. When I was 4 she met a man and married him, yet he would beat and humiliate me. I had a lot of emotional problems, I wouldn't eat and always threw up. They thought I was anorexic when I was only like 4-5 yrs old. I had problems with having to use the bathroom very often. He would get mad that I constantly had to use the bathroom so he made me put on a diaper when I was about 7 yrs old and locked me outside to be embarrased. E wouldn't let me use the bathroom so I'd have to use the cat litter box. (This is stuff I've never told anyone) My mom worked nigts so when hed make dinner he'd give my sister large amounts and me only a small bit and give me the dirty unwashed cups/plates. So I hated him. We'd do checkes every night to see if hed hit me that day, and shed find marks and bruises. But she never left. She was my savior to. I'd always wait for her to come home so I'd feel safe. Fast foward a bit I was 15. She met a new man and left me and my sister to be with him. When I got in a fight one day with my step dad and the police were called she finally took us to stay with her. She married the new man who was a drug addict. He'd leave her every couple months and me and my sister would be there to pick up er pieces. Shed call her ex husband to come live with her and help support her. Then her current husband would decide to come back and shed throw out her ex and treat him and us like crap. Slowly we became less important because he thought we were horrible children. He'd say he wouldn't stay with her unless we left. During this time she had a operation on her hand and she eventually became disabled, unable to work. I slowly lost respect for her. She was no longer a mother to me, just a women I lived with. At 21 I tried leaving but made a bad choice on my roomate and had to move back. Now I'm 23 and moving out again. For good this time. Because I can't take it here. I had gotten to the point of wanting to kill myself. I hated life. Felt like I had nobody. No father, now no real mother. I even told her and all er response was "are you stealing my medication?!" she's only tought of herself. Shed gamble online and won 22,000 dollars total. And blew it on qvc jewlry and catalog clothes. Never thinking of anyone else, yet complaining that she had no money and we have to pay more. This past few months have been horrible. Her husband left again, and her ex moved in so she wouldn't loose the house. She treats him like **** yet he stays for my sister, his daughter. Every week she changes her attitude depending on when her current husband is coming back or not. When he says he's going to she wants us all out. When he's not she needs us. She's told me she wish she never had me. That my problems with dealing with things r not her fault. That ill never amount to nething. That nobody cares about me and even the men I have relationships with don't care for me and only use me. From that to crying to me she needs me and don't abandon her. Then the next day a voicemail saying she wants to make sure I'm leaving. I'm not a bad daughter. Never been in trouble. Worked since I was 16. Never asked for anytihng. I had gone to see a therapist. She told me to get away from her. But I want to take it further. I never want to see her again. I've been hoping for horrible things to happen to her. Karma. I told her that I'm no longer her daughter. That when her drug addict husband leaves her for the millionth time to don't even call me. Theres more thats been said but that's the general point. Am I horrible for feeling this way? Sould I give it time? I feel like if I do this ill be totally alone forever then. I'm scared that ill have no1 to turn to.. Advice please!!! Sorry for it being so long, but I need people to see what I'm talking about.
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