My relationship ended ... not our fault maybe?

[confusedandempty]

Howdy!

 

The thing is that I met this wonderful girl last January. We became friends but didn't start dating until May. I didn't want to go into relationship with her in the beginning, as I knew she was a twin and I was afraid of a twin relationship. I've read about dating a twin and it can be really hard sometimes, especially when the other twin is single.

 

However, I fell completely for this girl in May and our friendship turned into romantic relationship. All her friends were supportive, although none of them had a boyfriend. We talked a lot on MSN and spent time together. However I decided to speak less to her online during the day, because I felt that we were becoming distant in the evenings because we were chatting all day long.

 

The summer went by and it was wonderful. During the late summer I noticed that her friends were becoming less friendly to me than they were before. Her twin sister who lives with her got often really pissed of when we were cuddling and watching the TV and often really angry when I spent the night at their place. Knowing that, we decided to be more outgoing, but ended going to the movie theatre a lot and also visiting cafés. It became boring in the long run and we started to go less often and therefore we started to see each other less often, as I didn't want to piss of her sister.

 

Off course I wanted to spend time with my girl, but it seemed almost impossible to do it without her sister being around. We went clubbing together and I didn't wanna go with my friends - I just wanted to be with her as we could spent so little time together. I know this is wrong and makes me look needy - that I probably wouldn't be if we could spend time together during weekdays.

 

In the beginning of October I decided to confront her, and asked her how she felt about her relationship. She had the same feeling as I. It was becoming boring and we decided that we wanted to try harder, but it was still hard knowing about her sister. So two weeks later she initiated a breakup and I was quite relieved that the relationship had ended. However after few hours I started to feel really bad and I realized that I wanted to try harder. I went to her office and told her, but she didn't want to. Then I met her later the week and we discussed it again - and she gave it a little thought, but still said no. I was devasted and I couldn't do anything for the next week or so. Just sat home and cryed.

 

Then I found LS and decided that I was gonna try the NC method in order to win her back. I broke after about three weeks, and I called her and we had a really nice chat, but didn't discuss the relationship at all. It made me feel good so I decided to try to get her back with further NC, but I became fed up with the "getting her back" thing. So I decided that I wasn't gonna try ... and the NC was for me to get over her.

 

Today there have been 4 weeks of complete NC and 7 weeks of LC (NC minus the 20 minutes phonecall). I have been strict to myself and I haven't allowed myself to check her blog and MySpace. But yesterday I did, and it amazed me to see that I'm still no. 1 at her MySpace and I saw on my MySpace tracker that she occasionally visits my MySpace. But of course I know in the back of my head that she hasn't called me since the day we broke up. But it makes me think of if she still has any feelings towards me.

 

So today I'm having a really hard time thinking of all this. For the past 4 weeks I've been working on myself getting better. But I also want to try to get her back as I haven't tried at all since the week we broke up. Those tryings were just normal chat, not crying, begging or anything like that.

 

The reason why we broke up according to her are: I can't feel the butterflies anymore, I think I don't love you anymore, I don't want a relationship, not with you nor anyone else. As far as I know she hasn't been seeing anyone else since we broke up.

 

As I said before she is a twin, so she hasn't been alone since the breakup like me, as the spend a lot of time together.

 

What I'm thinking about these days is if her sisters behaviour towards us made it hard for us to develope our relationship.

 

I have seen after those 2 months that I love this girl very deeply, and I probably will care for her in my heart for the rest of my life.

 

Can you give me any advice on how to approach her now. I've been doint the NC for around 7 weeks and Christmas might my excellent opportunity to approach her as I know everyone at her family becomes really emotional during the christmas.

 

Any advice will do. I really need some help right now

 

Thanks for reading this novel of mine

[memorex1970]

To be honest I think you need to look at why you still want to stay in this kind of relationship.

You say that you was getting bored and that you was quite relieved when it ended but then started to feel bad about the split.

I think its more the case that she ended it with you that has made you feel bad and that she doesnt want to know.

You say that she says she doesnt get the butterflies feeling anymore and that she thinks she no longer loves you....what does that say...do I have to spell it out...move on and forget about this relationship that seemed flawed to be honest.

You shouldnt be getting bored after only such a short time of dating,that says a lot about the whole thing.

Dont hurt yourself anymore with this woman, youve tried to get her back and shes said no and she says she doesnt love you, move on and find someone that can make you happy, you might feel terrible at the moment but believe me you will get better and probably sooner that you think.

 

Good luck

 

Nick

[confusedandempty]

Yeah it's true what you say. That I should just move on, but I guess it's easier to say then to do.

 

I really love this girl and my NC has made my realize that. It's so weird, but the only reason that I was unhappy in this relationship was that we didn't get enough time together. She even told it to me once with tear in her eyes that she would like to wake up with me every morning. That was only few weeks before the breakup.

 

I just gave it a little try the day after we broke up and then 2 days later. I wouldn't even consider it a try after that short time.

 

The thing is I actually have made up my mind about that I'm gonna call her during the christmas. I just don't know how to approach her, mostly because I don't want to play with her heart and more importantly, I don't want to play with my heart.

 

Thanks for you advice

[memorex1970]

I know just how you feel but Ive been there and been there recently.

From an outsiders view (mine) I can see that if it was meant to be then you would be together now.

In my opinion if you two were meant to be then you wouldve made time together.

It seems that your only realising all this after youve split...its normal to feel bad and start thinking how much you really loved this person and how you shouldve done this and done that ect ect but Ill say it again- its not meant to be...this woman has told YOU that she DOESNT love you...if you contact her at Xmas then I think your opening yourself up for some very hard emotional torture.

You say that she said some really nice things not long before she split from you...my ex told me she wanted to get engaged and move in together then ONE week later she cheated on me so dont torture yourself on what she said and what might have been.

Please see it for what it is.

 

What area are you from by the way?

 

Nick

[confusedandempty]

I know what you're saying

 

But I feel like I need to do this. Following my heart. If she definetly says no, then I have gotten final closure. Maybe that's what I need.

 

I can't be any more without her than I am these days

 

I'm from Scandinavia, Sweden precisely.

[memorex1970]

Fair one, if you need closure and you feel its the right thing to do then do what you must just dont end up getting more hurt!

See the thing is if a woman said she doesnt love me anymore then Id be out of there so quickly because once theyve said that then things can only get worse, saying you no longer love anyone is a big thing to say and I doubt any decent woman would say it if she didnt mean it and I guess your ex is decent.

My sister has just looked at this post and she said that you will come across as real needy and clingy if you was to call but its just an opinion and doesnt really count!

 

Keep us posted on what happens and cheer up!

 

By the way Im from England and you came across as someone from the UK!

 

Nick

[confusedandempty]

I'm feeling a bit different than just 4 hours ago when I wrote the letter. I just went to the mall to try to get my mind of her for a bit. It was good and I'm not thinking as much of her now as I was earlier this day.

 

Funny thing though, my grandfather called me and asked if I could give him a little help at his workshop. I did and went there and it is right next to the place she used to work. I just looked at the parking lot and though about how many five minutes I had spent there waiting for her

 

I get what your sister is saying, I would look real needy and clingy (whatever that means ) If I'd call her. Thats why I am asking for advices on the approach.

 

a) I can't just call her and discuss this right away. I must warm her up first.

b) I'm not gonna play any games with her. For her and mostly because of my sake.

c) But I have to figure out if there is a chance that she has feelings for me.

 

As I recall I felt pretty good the day we broke up ... I'm just wondering if it's the same thing she's feeling. Relieved in the beginning but then she is regretting, because I know how she is. Really stubborn but probably too shy to call me to admit she was wrong. That's why I must do the calling.

 

I really must do it for myself ... because she means to much to me to let her walk without a proper try. The bad things in our relationship were way to small to let it happen.

 

One thing that I also though about just few minutes ago. I have some of her friends on my MSN and occasionally talk to one of them. I never initiate the conversation and never discuss my ex with her. But she asks every time if I've heard anything from my ex. Has she called me or anything. Why would she be asking me those questions? Why does she give a ****, and why doesn't she just ask my ex, I mean, they are friends. Is it maybe because she knows that she wants to call me but somehow she doesn't do it? I don't know. Still...trying not to over analyse things here.

 

any further advices??

[Guest]

My Bf and I of 2.5 years broke up almost three months ago. He broke up with me, but I know he regrets it. He has called me three times and I have ignored the calls. I know from his messages that he regrets it. Thing is, he never just comes out and says it, he just has made up excuses to call me.

 

What really counts here, and I think in any situation like it, is that he IS NOT trying to get back together with me. Sure he has made up excuses to call me and I could read into this as much as I want. But if he really felt like he f-ed up and lost the woman of his dreams, I dont think shyness, guilt, embarrasment, or anything would prevent him from doing his damnest to get me back. I think if it is meant to be, you make it work. I think he is just feeling the void, and that hurts like hell to think about it, but It's ok that it isnt going to work out with us. I really have to believe that when you find that right person, you just dont deal with the stuff you deal with in a relationship that isnt meant to work out, or else it would work out... Sure, there are problems, but you both work on them, both of you.

 

In your situation, just be sure you are not trying to fill the void you feel without her in your life. Really examine your feelings before you open yourself up to the possibility of more pain.

 

And please let yourself go through the ups and downs, they are the worst, but you have to just feel the lows too. It seems just when I no longer am looking over my shoulder for signs of him I fall back to the beginning and miss him terribly. BUT, it DOES seem to have lessened each time, the pain and longing, I mean. Bah, I am rambling at this point. Just know you are not alone and that there is nothing wrong with you. Something that makes me feel better is that I was on the other end of the situation last time. I knew what a great guy I had, but I just wasnt ready for it. But that does not mean there was a thing wrong with that guy.

[Guest]

personally, i do not, and may never know, the reason or reasons she wanted to break up with me. could be anything, and i will not assume to know what is in her mind. all, i know is what happened, and accept that knowing just that is enuff. i'm sure we will talk and see each other some day and that would be kewl but the days of me making that a priority over everything else in my life are gone.

 

sure i am single, and i had a weird 2 month fling, but right now being me is just fine. and if my ex hadn't seen anyone, i would make a move, if i felt it was right - but i know she neeeds time and space. she would let me know.

[confusedandempty]

Thanks everyone for your advices

 

This is so weird. One minute I want to call her, but the next minute I don't think it's such a good idea.

 

Maybe I'm just thinking about her so much now because of my exams. I am having my exams at the uni right now and spend all my days sitting and reading at the library. Maybe I'm just thinking so much about her because it's easier to think about her than biology

 

Also, even though I love her with all my heart, I've been feeling a bit of the feeling that "if I can't have her, nobody else can". I guess that's jelousy, which I hate

 

As I don't wanna play any games with her, I'm just gonna text her tonight. Simple "I miss you". Which should strike her in the heart right away if she has any feelings for me. If she doesn't have any feelings, then she either will tell me or she won't answer. I guess I'll just find out later tonight.

 

I don't believe it's gonna be a major setback for me, as I don't have my hopes up really high.

 

But I'm just gonna do this tonight, wish me luck