mixed signals

[tkgirl]

I'd appreciate anyone's input on what might be going on here!

here goes: I've been in a "situation" (NOT a relationship!) with this guy for a while and all it's bringing me lately is a lot of heartache! One day it seems like he really likes me, calling a lot etc. then the next poof! I don't hear from him for days! The most episode of this BS has me completely frustrated! This is what happened... he recently just got back from a month long vacation in another country. He called me on his cell phone on his way home from the airport and we had a nice long conversation. I thought :"great, maybe being away for so long made him realize he missed me and does have feeelings for me etc." He wanted to know what I was doing on the 4th of July and hoped that he could see me soon... blah blah blah. So he calls me again on the 4th and we got together later that evening. It was nice, while we were sort of snuggling etc he says how he missed "this" and then asked if I missed him at all while he was gone. I said "yes" because I did a little, although I have to admit that while he was gone it was nice to be able to not think about him so much, knowing he was away etc. Know what I mean? Anyways, he ended up spending the night and when it was time for him to go he kissed me good-bye and that was that. Now it's been a week and I haven't heard from him! I really don't need this in my life anymore! I just don't get how he can be all sweet and say those things etc and then vanish again. To me his actions speak volumes, that he really doesn't give a S%#@ about me and I was a sucker to think otherwise. I'm so ready to write him off for good, but the problem is I also work with him and will have to run into him now and then, even though we work different shifts. How do I deal with that? Anyways, any input and/or advice would be great! Thanks!

[Tony T]

If you're life with this guy is painful and without fulfillment, dump his butt. When you see him at work, say hello and move on. You can't stay with someone and take their crap forever because you work with them.

 

Make it a life rule. If you're seeing someone or associated with anybody in any way, when the relationship becomes painful or difficult for you to understand or handle, either try to work it out...and if that doesn't work, end it.

 

You have no time in your life to spend putting up with this stuff.

 

If you don't think life is short, ask the people who were in the upper floors of the World Trade Center in New York last September 11 about how short it can be.

 

Life is certainly too short for putting up with this dude. You answered your own question in your second sentence when you said your involvement with him was bringing you a lot of heartache. Why lay down and let that continue???

[midori]

I think your instinct is right, that this guy is no good. The hot/cold stuff is never a good sign. It sounds like you guys never really got off the ground to begin with (despite the overnight), so although you're understandably annoyed, I think your best bet is to play it cool with this guy. Just avoid him. I very much doubt you'd get any satisfaction out of calling him on his bad behavior, or trying to get him to see the error of his ways -- for a guy bent on no commitment or responsibility, the situation you've just described was ideal because he was under no obligation to you, before or after the fact.

 

Don't beat yourself up about it though. You operate with a different set of assumptions about people & relationships than this callous, shallow guy does. Now that you recognize that, it won't happen again. He has shown you that he's not someone to take seriously at all. Just remember that when you do encounter him, and you should be fine.

[tkgirl]

First of all, to Tony and Midori: I really appreciate your input. I so want to move on from this guy, even though as I say that I foresee all this stuff that could happen. Since I've allowed this sort of behavior from him before, it wouldn't surprise if out of the blue he calls again. I do want to avoid him so my ideas on that is to screen my calls for a bit and not even give him the time of day. Probably not very "adult" of me though, huh Tony? I wish I could be stronger and deal with him more directly.

Just the whole situation makes me sad though... I would have liked to maintained some sort of friendship with him, because we did have some good times together. I could relate alot to wunderbug's situation! Wanting to be friends with someone who isn't worthy enough. Which leads me to my second question...

Why is it that it seems like women always want to "still be friends" when a relationship doesn't work out? A huge generalization perhaps, but has anybody else noticed this trend with women, more so than with men? Just thought it would be interesting to hear other people takes on this...

Thanks... roger over and out!

[midori]

I can't say that I've noticed that women are more likely to wish to remain friends than men. I've noticed two general trends among those who want to maintain ties after a break-up (unless the relationship was long & serious, in which case things are much more complicated, with mutual friends, longer history, etc.). Usually it's either the person who did the dumping wanting to "stay friends" so that they don't feel like they're being terribly mean. Or it's the person who got dumped, and hasn't accepted that it's really & truly over.

 

The way I see it, relationships often founder due to one of two reasons: lack of friendship and all of the things that accompany it (respect, affection, concern), or a lack of sexual chemistry. If your relationship ends because of the latter, provided the lack was mutual, then there's probably nothing to stop a subsequent friendship from forming. But if there's a lack of friendship (as seems to be the case with you and this guy), there's really nothing to salvage. Is there? Just because you enjoyed his company doesn't mean that the two of you were friends, just that you were friendly aquaintances. There's a world of difference between the two.

[velvet]

Sometimes one person may want more than the other is wanting to give. If your unhappy with how he limits his affections you may be right to leave him.

 

If you are ready to write him off, do it. Considering he will still be by your side at work keep things simple and pleasant. You both have honest, caring feelings for each other. Keep things that way. Don't be angry at him, make assumptions or try to figure him out. You may want to talk to him so that you both will know what each other want and be on the same page. Hope that you can still have a wonderful r/s with him as a friend and co-worker. There will always be magic, memories and deep feelings btw you.

 

 

I'm in the same boat with you. It doesn't have to be difficult at all. I have been in a off again/on again r/s with someone for about two years. I've know him for ten. So we have much history together. We work together as well and have been for about as long as we've know each other.

 

Even if were not intimate, we can still have an amazing r/s. Sometimes hes my best friend. Just yesterday after he said he didn't want a g/f, I made a decision to stop seeing him on an intimate level.

 

Today I was ill and trying to survive the last hour of work. He had gone home and than called me. He kept me company over the phone for the last hour of work to help get me through it. We talked about all sorts of stupid things. Nothing of any importance. But small things like his phone call today or taking care of me when I'm sick like he has in the past is comforting.

 

We have a strong love for each other. Hes there for me despite that he doesn't want a girlfriend. Its this f/s we have that keep us close. So I hope that you can find a closeness with your friend as I have in mine.

[tkgirl]

Yep, he finally called… but since I wasn’t home we didn’t get to talk. I haven’t called him back yet and not sure if I should... maybe let him worry about me now for a bit. It’s pretty obvious that he wants to keep things super-casual and I guess that’s fine for him, but it isn't for me anymore. I need to tell him this, but I hate feeling like I’m being the whiney girlfriend. How can I express my needs to him without completely driving him away? I know it may sound crazy to some of you but I do like this guy, but I just can’t handle the casual stuff anymore. Maybe I’ll say something like how we want different things and maybe we should just be friends…? What do you guys think? Any other suggestions how I should handle this? Thanks again!

[Tony T]

No, you don't want to tell him you want to be friends. That's not what you want. It takes more energy to "just be friends" with somebody you want more from than it takes to supply the electrical power for New York City. It's a drain on your system you just don't need.

 

Tell him exactly how you feel and then get out of his life for a while. If after six months or so you're over him and no longer interested, go be his friend at that time. But for now, you just don't need the head games and the mental aggravation of being around a guy you have feelings for.

 

I know about this stuff first hand because I've tried to pull it off numerous times and it just doesn't work.

 

We demand honesty from others but we seem to always try to fool ourselves....I know I sometimes do for sure. If you try to be this guy's friend, what you're going to be really hoping for is that things will change and develop but chances are very excellent they won't.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you because it is painful and frustrating. But there is no magic potion for making somebody think more of you than just a friend. In the longrun, you will look back and thank your lucky stars it ended this way because you are now closer to finding the REAL love of your life. That is ALWAYS MUTUAL!!!

 

Do yourself a favor and take a vacation from this guy for a while.

[Ally Boo]

Originally posted by tkgirl

Why is it that it seems like women always want to "still be friends" when a relationship doesn't work out?

 

I think its just bc we don't want to admit that we have been used or played. Having a friendship with the guy almost makes it not so bad. Like you didn't waste all that time for nothing, and that he DOES respect you and care for you deep down. I think its just a way to keep us sane and not depressed....although it's not the truth.

[Ally Boo]

Have you ever considered that the reason he has you hanging around like that is bc he has a girlfriend somewhere else, and the times he can spend with you are times when she's not around? I've seen it happen many times....

A guy isn't going to do something unless he gets a benefit from it, so don't give him a benefit. He's not doing anything to deserve it. Don't waste your time trying to convince this guy that you're good for him or you are good friends. Find a friend who understands immediately what they have and how important and special you are. This guy is an idiot, probably my ex bf LOL jk, and as long as you give him permission to keep this up, he will. So tell him that you're just not intrested in him anymore, and move on. Sometimes the LACK of friendship, and closeing that door is EXACTLY what they need to make them realize that they are a F*** up...and not do it to someone else. And as far as working with him...learn not to date someone you work with, so you aren't forced to S*** where you eat....

[tkgirl]

I've decided to not call him back. If he really wants to see me, he can call me again. Let him chase me a bit! (or not...) And you are right, Tony - a vacation from this guy is EXACTLY what I need! Oddly enough I know he is going on a little road trip in the next week or so, then right when he gets back I'm taking off for a couple weeks to see some old friend's etc. So that will be another month where I won't have to see him or think about him much. I just have to make it my mantra that "I do deserve better" and hopefully soon I can move on to something that brings me only HAPPINESS!