total relapse...

[Ssheena]

Believe me, you don't want, need or deserve someone with a non-existent sex drive. Nobody does - males or females.

 

I'm sorry you are hitting a bump in the road of recovery as I know you are doing the one foot in front of another, repeat other side, repeat, etc and doing all the "right" things.

 

This guy doesn't really sound too nice or very good at relationships. If there were things that were bothering you, he should have been able to talk to you about them instead of saving them all up and then blasting you. I wish you could turn your thinking around and instead of thinking - oh gosh, he's right about me, turn it into what a f*ing a*hole he is. He obviously hasn't worked on himself enough to know how to communicate and that, my dear, is a HUGE flaw.

 

I can tell from what you have written to others and how you express yourself that you are soooo much better than this jerk and I don't even know you! I'm mad at him for saying such sh*t to you!

 

I did finish reading that book that you are still waiting for that we discussed over on the other topic and the thing that has stuck with me is, for our x's, that dumped us, why isn't this relationship worth fighting for? What are they going to do, keep going through life and just walking away when things get a little tough or uncomfortable? What does that say about them?

 

Best of luck today and tomorrow and the next day... I'm hoping it gets easier for us all.

[Teacher's Pet]

Thanks for your insight and support everyone.

 

And yes Kelso, I do sometimes wonder why I come here so much and whether or not it's holding me back from moving forward.

I like to think that moving from "breaking up" to "second chances" and now on to "coping" is indicative of some progress....lol.

 

Welcome to the LS Lonely Hearts Club.

 

Don't feel bad, I went from "OMG I've never done THAT position before" to "Coping" here literally overnight, so I know all about progress, or in my case, lack of.

 

Would that be CONgress? heh heh

 

We can cope together.

 

-tp

your nyc tour director

[CrossRhodes]

D-Lish, it sounds like you are dealing with feelings of loss. Having been with a therapist for a while, I wanted to give you what I think would be the general CBT take on what you are describing, and I'll throw in a little insight from my own situation. I hope you won't take offense if I am wide of the mark.

 

The first thing that jumped out at me in your initial post was the theme of loss and grief, almost like a death occurred. When a partner turns on us like this, it can feel like they have "died" to us. Maybe you are hoping for a redemption, a resurrection of the nice person you used to know?

 

The real reason I replied though was because I've faced this situation before and longed for my ex-partner to restore me. You probably know what I'm going to say next. While it was your partner who said a bunch of crummy things to you, it's going to be up to you to restore yourself. He can't do it. Even if he came back and did it, that would leave you vulnerable in your future relationships to the same setup. You trusted him, you were vulnerable to him. You placed him in your "inner circle". You put weight on his words because you were always able to trust him in the past. But then he attacked your integrity and never took it back, never softened the words he used, never came back. It was a death sentence for the love you once shared with him.

 

It sounds like some of it may have a grain of truth to it. And once you accept a "grain" of truth, it makes it hard to dismiss all of his words out of hand, yes? Know that you alone have the power inside yourself to move on from this hurt. The forgiveness for this injury needs to come from you, not him. Stare down his words head-on. You know you are not perfect - no-one is - but that does not make you a terrible person. You can see from your own conduct in this forum, where you help and care about lots of anonymous people, that you are a good person. So confront his ugly words and stare them down as a good person. If you do this, you may then be able to forgive him. Most importantly, make sure you forgive yourself for the lack of communication between the two of you. You cannot be expected to know his disenchantment if he does not tell you at the time. That is not your fault.

 

You asked somewhere in the thread about choosing the wrong men. The CBT position on this is that we choose partners who fit in with our psychodynamic. So for instance, if a man's mother was emotionally distant, he will tend to gravitate towards women who are emotionally distant. Emotionally available women don't give him the challenge he needs. It doesn't make sense intellectually, but then it's not the intellect that drives the attraction.

 

To change this, most therapists will tell you that you have to change yourself. I'm going through this at the moment after the demise of my 10-year marriage. Rebuilding is a painful and frustrating process, but I can see myself changing and I can feel myself starting to become attracted to a different type of woman. I'm not going to lecture anymore here as I'm sure you know what it is about yourself you would like to change. As you do this, you will put out a different energy to people, which means you'll attract a different type. On top of this, as you understand yourself better, you'll start to understand the red flags, why you were attracted in the past, and why those traits will lead to pain down the track for you.

 

All the best, D-Lish. Remember always that you are a good person - not because I or anyone else says it, but because you can see the evidence everyday in the way you treat people.

[Jubilee Kate]

D-

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Maybe it is the holidays, I know if I see another Jewelry commercial I'm gonna puke...

I agree with what some of the others have said here. He was taking the coward's way out by spewing his bile at you and fault finding. If he didn't bring up these issues with you until the end, it was probably his means of distancing himself emotionally while you were still together. For instance, if he keeps a running tab of all his dislikes (real or imagined,) he hopes he won't feel so guilty for having to tell you that he's a dirty b@stard who's about to shatter your heart into a billion pieces.

 

*I once had an ex hand me a list of all the things he hated about me. And one of the first things on this list was that I had Migraines. Migraines? You serious? Like I can even change that? I never knew how much we really shared in common until I found out we both hated my Migraines! LOL*

 

Don't you let him make YOU feel guilty. If he had wanted the relationship to work, he would have communicated before the end (hell, even a grunt?)

 

Was you ex's sex drive always low? Even in the beginning?

 

One minute you're looking for a house and the next he's ice cold...all of this sounds like a man who probably started feeling trapped by the "F" word.

 

You deserve so much more than this. I know you know this. You will find someone better more worthy of your attention. You aren't a horrible person, just look at how you've reached out to so many strangers here on this forum! Don't let one person's distorted opinion dictate the rest of your life.

[Kamille]

Wow many wise words of wisdom in this thread. Makes sense since you've helped so many of us out D.

I don't have much to add, would just like to show support. The end of your relationship, one that ended badly at that, is really recent. And it shows that this is a relationship in which you had invested your heart. You're doing great work working on yourself and moving foward, but don't forget to be patient with yourself.

 

It is hard to move on when someone you love and respect turns on you that way. He betrayed your relationship in more ways then one: not only did he put you down, he also didn't live up to what you saw in him. He totally betrayed the faith you had in him. And on top of that he managed to make you doubt yourself? urgh, bast**d.

 

I'm on the side of all the other posters who believe that he did this because of his issues.

 

best of luck sweetie. And yes, it does seem to me like the hollydays are playing a number on everyone in my surroundings. And as for heartbreak, it does get better, unfortunately not overnight.

[Guest]

A relapse after three months is nothing. I had a relapse after 22 years. I dated someone for five years and they broke up with me in one night and neither of us communicated ever again. It took me two years (until I met my spouse) to stop thinking about them. I have an amazing spouse, who I have been married to for twenty years, and am extremely lucky! My problem was that I ran into my ex not too long ago and then had a complete relapse. (Especially since when they saw me and my spouse they took off and ran the other way. I guess after a five year relationship I wasn't even worth a hello or even a nod.) It's funny how you think that you may be over someone and your life is perfectly fine but you may have a trigger that brings this all back. I think that you could go for years not thinking of that other person but something happens and you realize that you have been permanently damaged in some way.

 

I'm not trying to scare you by saying all of this but I want to get across the fact that what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. I too, at the time, talked to all of my friends, family and co-workers about it thinking that they may have some wisdom or solution that would make it all better and then frustrated when they didn't. It got to the point that when my co-workers saw me coming down the hallway they would turn and go the other way so they wouldn't have to listen to my story once again. My only relief is that at the time of the break-up I was strong, didn't cry or beg, insisted that I didn't feel that communication between us was appropriate anymore and was strong in not calling them. Thank God I came out of that with a little bit of dignity and they will never know how much this really killed me.

[T-Lady]

D-Lish, I want to thank you for your posts. My breakup took place the day after Thanksgiving and it has been very difficult. Our story was similar to yours. He was very affectionate, loving and giving for the year we were together. I noticed he seemed a little distant at times and asked him if he was still attracted to me. He ignored the question at first, but then I was able to pull out of him that his feelings started disappearing in August. August! He waited until November to tell me this. Well, to make a long story short. I did the crazy thing of trying to work things out. I told him we needed space and shold not talk for 2 weeks. That only lasted 1.5 weeks & I was crazy to call after he had returned from a vacation to see if he missed me. He told me it hurt like hell, but we are over and need to move on. I could hear the pain in his voice. This is the man who cried as much as I did when we were saying goodbye during the breakup.

 

I spoke with one of his family memebers this weekend and was told he is having a hard time, but he will get over it. If he is having a hard time, does that not mean he does miss me? D-Lish, I thought about your posts because you mentioned several times that your ex is very stubborn. My ex is the same way. I could see him thinking about me forever, but his pride would not allow him to call me. He also seeks the advice of the website askmen.com, which to me is the worst site for advice.

 

I want to thank you for posting your thoughts. It has helped me to better cope with my situation. I wish you all the luck in the world.

 

T-Lady

[Gala]

D-Lish -

 

Someone broke my heart a very long time ago, and with some real cruelty...somehow, some of the damage has remained inside me, through many other heartbreaks, and through all kinds of achievements of mine. Only NOW, with the thinking I've done during a recent disappointment, have I finally realized that nothing I could have been or done would have changed who he was. He was a tall, very attractive Ivy League boy, an athlete AND artsy...and had a prestigious master's degree to boot. In my mind, he was everything I wanted. But in certain moments he was (to quote a certain actress) missing a sensitivity chip.

 

When someone is cruel or mean to you, that says nothing of you...but it screams volumes about that person.

 

We all need and deserve someone who doesn't "save it up" for when they want to run and leave.

 

Bon courage, chere!

[AriaIncognito]

When he broke up with me he unleashed everything about me he didn't like, things he had never brought up over the course of our relationship that he obviously let fester and turn into resentment.

 

Ok, so he gave you his list of why you suck. Was any of it true? If so, is it anything you are willing to work on for yourself? If so, that could become something new to refocus yourself on. I know it's hard, especially if you'd be doing it because you know he said it, but if it could possibly help you for the next relationship, then maybe it's worth a shot?

 

I can't help but be frustrated that he never brought up his issues until the very end. if he had have communicated his frustrations with me, I would have made every effort possible to work on what was bothering him.

 

This is HIS flaw, not yours. If he wasn't able to be open and honest with you within the relationship, then he more than likely was too afraid of hurting your feelings, or too afraid for fighting for the relationship to begin with. Don't beat yourself up over something that you had 0 control over. I know, easier said than done.

 

How are the rest of you managing to move forward?

Anything working for you that might help me out?

Appreciated. I need to take my life back.

D

 

Wish I had some answers for you there. Best thing to do, you already know. Keep yourself busy. Go out and meet as many new people as possible, since you never know where the next one for you will be. Keep yourself healthy so that you feel good about yourself and feel valuable enough to once again be loved and love someone else.

 

These are all things I struggle with, and it's insanely hard, so I know how easy it is to give up the dream and just resolve yourself to growing old with a cat, or alone, or whatever. We've just gotta hold onto hope.

 

Sorry if any of this was addressed later on in the thread, I only read your top post so far and felt moved by it so I wanted to reply...hope today finds you feeling better.

[D-Lish]

Thanks everyone.

 

It's amazing how someone's cruel words can have so much of an impact on your ego. I don't know why I've let those words hold so much weight. I know that a lot of what was said was done so in anger- that it was a means for him to justify the break up by making himself believe I was a crappy person.

 

Yeah, I have considered that his cruelty is indicative of what kind of man he is and that I'm better off without a person like that in my life. I suspect that even if I was "perfect", that he would have found a reason to leave. I suspect he's a CP at the core of it all.

 

I've just settled into NC mode...

I just can't seem to stop remembering the great x-mas we spent together last year. It was the first time in such a long time that I enjoyed x-mas. I am not looking forward to the holidays this year, I just want to crawl into a hole and bury myself.

 

Thanks for all your replies. It means a lot to me.

The support in a place like this has proven to be invaluable to me.

I know we are all experiencing the same difficulties, struggling with the heartbreak and just wanting the pain to be over and done with.

 

As for a stubborn guy?

Yep, I know what you mean- my ex is the most stubborn man I've ever met. Even if he felt remorse or regret, he'd never reach out to me. He doesn't forgive anything. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that it's better to be without a person like that as a partner.

 

Thanks again,

I appreciate the support!

D

[Giver]

Hi D,

 

I would really like to thank you for all ths support and advice that you have given myself and everyone else on LS. It proves that you are a kind and generous person as well as wise

 

I'm really sorry that everything is hitting you again. I have only been in NC for a few weeks (broken up for 5 months) but I had a really bad relapse a few days ago and was feeling worse than I had in months. I was so sick of feeling depressed and really getting angry at myself for not being able to get over my ex (even though I knew that with all that's happened it would never work again, too much damage has been done).

 

Then I discovered a blog about "Intention Manifestation". Not meaning to get all new age here, but it was basically about the power of positive thought. If you send strong thoughts into the universe of what you want, what is best for you then it's energy will respond because it is something that we are all connected too. Or, it could just be that you just talk yourself into things.

 

I ceated a mantra. Everytime I felt like I was going to cry I said "I WANT to be over him, I WANT to be happy" over and over in my head with conviction. And somehow it pulled me out of the hole I was falling into. It really worked for me, I feel alot better and have hope that I will get over this.

 

You are a lovely person who deserves to be happy. I hope you have a joyous christmas with your friends and family.

[D-Lish]

Thanks Giver.

 

I've been doing a lot of reading and research in the last few months, and I really recognize the power of positive thought. I think it just stands to reason that when you're in a positive space that good things return to you. I've tried to adapt the mantra "I am the prize"... SOmeone else on this site mentioned that one and I liked it!

 

It's the 24/7 obsessive thoughts that have returned- I think that's just the lack of closure that's still haunting me. And I truly find it bothersome. I really don't WANT to be stuck like this- I know none of us do.

 

Thanks for your response. I hope you have a great holiday too.

 

D

[JCD]

D, I think you are blaming yourself too much. No doubt your ex has issues and needs to work on himself. Also, if that is you in your avatar then not only are you beautiful but you have a funny/cute side to you that I and others enjoy. I'm going to be alone this Christmas but I'm going to stack up on munchies and enjoy myself. These other people who hurt us don't deserve to be in our minds and getting us down during the holiday season. So cheer up because we all are pulling for you

[Isabella82]

When I was reading your post, I felt like I wrote it. That happened to me too. We are fine one day talking about our future children and us getting married, having him even tell me during sex that he loves me 10+ times the night before he breaks up with me????

 

I was in shock! Then he told me online basically what your ex did to you, he bad mouthed who I was as a person. I mean anything mean you can say to someone he said it to me. And I even said to him "I did nothing to you, why are you doing this??" It was so cruel.....too cruel

 

I also like you said should have seen warning signs. He also never had anything nice to say about any of his exes either and I was his first long term gf, his longest before me was 3 months, I was with him for 2 years.

 

I still get hurt over what he said to me. I mean he knew everything about me, my personality everything so when he put me down it hit me the hardest!

 

I thought that my break up sounded odd, but now I don't feel so lonely

 

Sorry I know you are hurting, trust me your not alone!

[D-Lish]

Thanks Is82,

 

I suspect that the cruelty comes down to justification on their part. It's easier to break up with someone when you make yourself believe your partner is evil... and then voicing it makes it more concrete to them.

 

I think that's what happened in our case. My ex brought up things that were so out in left field that it stunned me. Some of the things he attacked were very much true- but certainly embellished.

 

I know in my heart that a big part of the demise of our relationship are due to his issues and inability to commit.

I suspect the same to be true in your situation.

 

But, no you're not alone in your pain.

And you have to start realizing (as I am trying to do) that you're not to blame- and you can't take on his problems and issues and internalize them as your own.

 

I hope you have a good holiday.

I'm going to try! Thanks for your support,

D

[miss snoopy]

Hi D Lish

 

Your thread prompted me to post another thread - I'm not really looking for answers but I think it's good we share our experiences. Your ex sounds like mine, men who are fundamentally flawed but project their inadequacy onto their partners. These men make us act in certain ways when we're with them, then they turn around and use it as ammunition to end the relationship. Someone told me these sort of men end up developing an addiction to dating sites and can be found there well into their 40s, as they stop seeing women as equal partners and develop a shopping mall mentality - if this one doesn't tick all the boxes I will tolerate her until it becomes unbearable (unbearable in a committment-phobe way, not in any true sense) then it's back to the mall, but with a get-out clause from the outset of this new relationship, and it goes on, and on... the truth is these men are chronically unhappy and deeply unfulfilled and that gives me some satisfaction.

 

Please don't take his projected insults to heart. I'd been fine but upon discovery of something my ex said last night (see my thread) I went almost back to the day we broke up so I 100% know how you feel. Just remember it really isn't you, it's the dustbag and you (and I, and many other smart chicks on here) are so much better off without men like this!

[suchislife]

It's a tough time of year. I have not had someone dump on me like that, but, in my most recent experience, I ended a strange, non face-to-face (the Madtexter) relationship and let him know the things that really bothered me over the course of the time I had known him. I was never really able to work out the issues as they came up, because I didn't see him enough to let it happen naturally. Talk about issues... This guy has an awful lot and I'll probably never know what really went on. I knew him before he started shutting down, which made this very hard. I couldn't deal with the strangeness of it all and finally got frustrated with the whole thing and ended whatever "it" was.

 

So, the point of this is: Maybe your x just felt like he had to keep this stuff to himself in order to maintain the relationship, because he never felt comfortable talking about his feelings. Not because of you, because of him.

 

I think everyone pretty much hit it this on the head.

 

I've read some of your posts over the last few months and you have given some very solid advice. I think you will be fine.

 

I'm not sure what will happen - if I'll ever find out or not. But, I need people in my life who give to me, not just me doing all the giving.

 

I have been reading some Eastern philosophy, and one of the things I read is that we have to let our hopes go for a particular end result, and to understand that we might not know the big picture.

 

Tough, tough, tough to do, but I'm trying to relax and let it all go.

 

Take care, and keep posting.

[panzer6]

Hey D-Lish, I'm sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. I am in the same boat too. I think it has alot to do with the holidays. You go shopping and all you see is couples! Here, there everywhere!! It makes you think of the good times you had with your ex. I have been having a hard time as well. I haven't spoken to her in over a month and I have made no attempt to. I'll be honest with you, I get very sad when I think about her and I miss her despite the crap she put me through. But I know that we can never have the same thing we had before. Even if we were to get back together it would still be different than the first time because of all the things we have said and done to each other. I don't wish her anything bad, in fact I wish her all the luck in the world and I hope her and her son's are happy and safe. I guess in some way I have come to terms with letting her go. I am also quite exhausted physically and emotionally. I guess I'm just burnt out and tired of trying. Nothing I say or do is good enough for her so now I will just worry about me and my life. D-Lish, you need to surrender to the fact that it is over, you need to let go of the past and concentrate on you and only you. Make yourself happy, do crazy things, go to new places, meet new people, remember that life is for the living and last time I checked you are very much alive!! It's only natual to feel the way you do, it means you are human and you have feelings that run very deep within you. There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling and if you let it, it will run it's course. eventually you will feel better about things and life in general.

[In Sync]

This thread is totally amazing.

D-Lish give yourself time to digest the breakup of your relationship. And sadly it is around the holiday season so that "articial" you must be happy around this time makes one feel double worse when you are hurting. But that is life. And you will have relapses and you will keep going forward. The heart and mind mind heals at its own pace. When someone spills their anger onto the breakup by unleashing their pent up resentments it's more of a reflection about them AND NOT YOU. They wanted to hurt you..and so on hindsight you are better off not being with a person who is takes their anger out on you, regardless if they wanted to break up.there's no excuse for deliberately inflicting more pain in the form of verbally attacking.

I must say that I too have had a relapse (and yep, it's been over a year) And now I see it does take time TIME and MORE TIME and still there is no guarantee that I won't stop and have a flashback to that relationship. It is helpful to know from others here that this is the reality. Maybe some people recover in two months and that's great too but many of us need time and that's hard to measure to say when one should be done and over the pain.

[D-Lish]

Well, I've definetely come to terms with the fact that it's over.

I have no hopes for a reconciliation. The logical part of me knows I'm better off- but the heart still aches a lot.

 

I've had relationships end and been fine... I don't know why this one is so different. But thanks, I know I have to give myself time to work through this- and I also know that there is no set time line for grief.

 

Stupid happy couples in the mall... where's my sling shot?

lol.

D

[panzer6]

Hey, all of us on LS should get together and go on a cruise, we could call it the, "Misery Loves Company Cruise" LOL!!!!

[Gala]

After the end of one relationship, I actually couldn't watch people kiss - I would simply look away...then my total intolerance downgraded to strong annoyance when people made out in close proxmity to me. During my recovery I did some travelling, and spent a few days in Paris - the proverbial romantic city! One day I was having a meal by a bridge on a little island in the River Seine, and I was doing *OK* by myself. But then there was a couple at the next table, and their extended canoodling finally became more than I could bear. In French I said, "Don't you have a house?" (kind of like saying "get a room"). This helped a little...though it was something I probably wouldn't have done in my own country!

[Teacher's Pet]

Hey, all of us on LS should get together and go on a cruise, we could call it the, "Misery Loves Company Cruise" LOL!!!!

 

A bunch of lonely, heartbroken people........

 

I smell an ORGY!!!!!

 

-tp

everybody, rhumba!

[BannaBee57]

A bunch of lonely, heartbroken people........

 

I smell an ORGY!!!!!

 

-tp

everybody, rhumba!

 

 

Eeew. I do not want to SMELL an orgy! :lmao:

 

Do you really think all night buffets are good for the heartbroken though?

[Teacher's Pet]

Eeew. I do not want to SMELL an orgy! :lmao:

 

Do you really think all night buffets are good for the heartbroken though?

 

Well, maybe not good for heartBURN...

 

Ok Ok....I don't "smell" the orgy, but I definately have an urgin' for a mergin' these days.....

 

-tp

horny.