Grief

[bonehead]

I have noticed that there isnt alot said about grief when dealing with the end of a relationship an here. I dont know why, except maybe the anger that is quite often involved with the end of a relationship. ( Which is actually part of the grieving process. )

 

 

 

Life is not always as dramatic as these examples, but it can hurt just as much. Those recovering from a breakup often experience a common trajectory of healing. Similar to the stages of grief articulated by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (and featured in Helpguide’s [COLOR=#0000ff]Coping with Loss: Guide to Grieving and Bereavement[/COLOR]), these are the different phases you can expect:

Numbness and shock: The body's natural defense system insulates us in the initial stages of a threatening situation. We may run on "automatic pilot," and later not even remember what happened when we first encountered the bad news of the loss. Right after a breakup, you may continue everyday life as if nothing has happened. Or you may feel so numb so that you function on auto-pilot, a shell of the person you were before the relationship ended. Thoughts like, I’m sure he’ll call soon or she was just in one of her moods…she’ll change her mind about breaking up, might go through your head.

 

Pain and anguish: There is a reason for the oft-described heart "aching" after the end of a relationship. As the truth sinks in, as the numbness fades, you may get stomach cramps, shortness of breath, a raw knot in the center of your being, a sense that you will die or never be whole again. Perhaps you lose your appetite and have difficulty focusing on all the things you have to do. You may even pass out. Or you might feel anger at your former partner, whether you found yourself on the receiving end or even if you were the person who initiated the separation. If only that _____ hadn’t done this to me, you might rage. You might find yourself rehearsing your ex’s faults and bad habits, wondering why you were even together in the first place.

 

Loneliness and despair: After your initial anger peters out, you might desperately miss what is gone and wish things could go back to the way they were. Instead of demonizing your ex, you idealize the past: the times he surprised you with flowers or the way her eyes lit up when you made her laugh. People tend to think that they have to fix depression—often by taking a pill or rushing into a new relationship—but the cure for loneliness is the support of friends, family (and faith community if you belong to one), along with constructive outlets for your energy and personal interests. For more information, refer to Helpguide’s [COLOR=#0000ff]Depression Self-Help: Living with Depression in Yourself and Others[/COLOR].

 

Coming back to life: As time passes you discover more and more meaningful moments that make you appreciate life again. The time spent alone in thoughtful reflection or perhaps in a recovery group begins to bear fruit. You open up the possibility that you may be partly responsible for the breakup of the relationship and resolve to improve your character or life outlook. The work of grief is to let the emotions that you feel in your body (heart and gut) flow, not to attempt to block any of them or judge them whatever they are. When you do that "work," appreciation for life can creep back into your veins and that life can be vibrant and full of growth, joy and discovery.

[NoIDidn't]

BH

 

I think its because not a lot of people on here are into sounding like therapists. LOL! But I agree with you. The loss of a R is a lot like a death of someone close. In fact, MY enlightened me quite a bit with his theories on how and when an A happens throughout the lifecycle of a M. Typically they happen after/during the births of children, or the deaths of close family members. There are other changes too, like retirements, starting a new phase of life or career.

 

For many MP, an A is really just a mucked up version of grief. Only they don't know it yet. IMO.

[bonehead]

BH

 

I think its because not a lot of people on here are into sounding like therapists. LOL! But I agree with you. The loss of a R is a lot like a death of someone close. In fact, MY enlightened me quite a bit with his theories on how and when an A happens throughout the lifecycle of a M. Typically they happen after/during the births of children, or the deaths of close family members. There are other changes too, like retirements, starting a new phase of life or career.

 

For many MP, an A is really just a mucked up version of grief. Only they don't know it yet. IMO.

 

Not trying to sound like a therapist. But so often its a case of " MOVE ON YOU DESERVE BETTER " and while thats quite often true, the emotional aspect of the body doesnt agree.

 

I see alot of " Why do you this that and the other thing " when if you really think about it its a normal griving process.

 

If someone came on here and said " My MM got hit by a truck tonight " the response that got would be totally different when in realitiy THATS WHAT HAS HAPPENED. At least as far as the mind is concerned.

 

Just my psyco babble BS for the night.

[NoIDidn't]

Again, I agree with you. But you know in today's society admitting that you are grieving is simply NOT cool. Its like it makes you look weak or something. I accept that I am grieving the person I thought my H was. Seeing as grief and not as me losing my mind made it easier to accept for me - regardless of the outcome ultimately.

 

Anger is a stronger emotion to many. Its safe to say that you are angry. But that's where so many get stuck. In anger. Anger is meant to show us that we have been wronged and that we want some sort of recompense. But most wear anger like a badge. And it ain't pretty! LOL!!!

[bonehead]

Again, I agree with you. But you know in today's society admitting that you are grieving is simply NOT cool. Its like it makes you look weak or something

 

Even though the strongest people I know ACTUALLY know HOW to grieve.

 

I accept that I am grieving the person I thought my H was. Seeing as grief and not as me losing my mind made it easier to accept for me - regardless of the outcome ultimately.

 

Grief will keep you sane if you allow the process to run its course.

 

Anger is a stronger emotion to many. Its safe to say that you are angry. But that's where so many get stuck. In anger. Anger is meant to show us that we have been wronged and that we want some sort of recompense. But most wear anger like a badge. And it ain't pretty! LOL!!!

 

Anger is actually one of our strongest emotions. And it is truly the hardest to get past in the grieving process. And I think alot of that is as you said Anger is cool grief isnt.

 

So I guess Im not cool. Oh well. lol

[My Fair Katie]

Hi I hope ya'all don't mind my little foray into the "other woman/man" forum. I just read this post and it really resonated with me. I hope my response makes sense.

 

I think, the reason why anger is seen so much more often, as that *we* as a support group, find it difficult to help people come to terms with grief. With grief most people are really at a loss to say much more than, "Gosh, wow that sucks you have my sympathy." We don't know WHAT to say, because we've all been there. We've all had grief and no matter what someone says to you, you will STILL be grieving, there is no magic advice that will aid with the grief process, it's just gotta run its course.

 

So, we hear a story, feel bad for the person and try to empower them with anger. "Don't be sad, it's his loss," or "You so deserve better, that ho was stringing you along." But the empowerment is less about the other person and our own inability to feel as though we can adequately address the grief.

 

Hope that makes a bit of sense.

 

I'll go shy away back to my married person corner. Sorry for the intrusion! Great post though, a lot to think about.

[BenThereDunThat]

Not trying to sound like a therapist. But so often its a case of " MOVE ON YOU DESERVE BETTER " and while thats quite often true, the emotional aspect of the body doesnt agree.

 

I see alot of " Why do you this that and the other thing " when if you really think about it its a normal griving process.

 

If someone came on here and said " My MM got hit by a truck tonight " the response that got would be totally different when in realitiy THATS WHAT HAS HAPPENED. At least as far as the mind is concerned.

 

Just my psyco babble BS for the night.

 

Oh my gosh...it wasn't until someone here (hi, Kym!) actually told me "a loss is a loss"...no matter what the circumstances, that I could actually GRIEVE and deal with it.

 

I was so caught up in the fact that I should have been smarter, I was STUPID for even getting involved, etc. that I didn't give myself a break. Forget about the moral implications, and how badly I let myself down in that regard.

 

I didn't allow myself to feel the loss. Once I did that, gave myself "permission" to feel it, it really helped.

 

It is just so true. You really do have to grieve it to get past it.

[NoIDidn't]

You know I was thinking something else.

 

Grief does feel like you are dying. Who wants to feel like they are heading for the grave for an emotional process?

 

I hate grieiving. I don't mind admitting it. But I would rather let it do its work than to have to go through it all over again after having let my anger run wild and alienating a lot of otherwise well-intentioned people. Done that before too!

 

I had to learn to grieve. I had to learn to feel my feelings, as the therapists say. And I am not done learning it. With each thing I have to grieve, the grieve seems to get bigger. Sometimes I think if I let my H's cheating get to me this much, imagine how "broke down" I will be if something big really happens? 'Cause, yeah, there are bigger things to worry about now after I have experienced infidelity.

 

But hopefully this laid the groundwork for a much stronger me. KWIM?

[BenThereDunThat]

You know I was thinking something else.

 

Grief does feel like you are dying. Who wants to feel like they are heading for the grave for an emotional process?

 

I hate grieiving. I don't mind admitting it. But I would rather let it do its work than to have to go through it all over again after having let my anger run wild and alienating a lot of otherwise well-intentioned people. Done that before too!

 

I had to learn to grieve. I had to learn to feel my feelings, as the therapists say. And I am not done learning it. With each thing I have to grieve, the grieve seems to get bigger. Sometimes I think if I let my H's cheating get to me this much, imagine how "broke down" I will be if something big really happens? 'Cause, yeah, there are bigger things to worry about now after I have experienced infidelity.

 

But hopefully this laid the groundwork for a much stronger me. KWIM?

 

Thank you! I am still "learning" how to grieve. I've had friends tell me that too. I lost my mom 7 years ago, and according to those closest to me, I still haven't dealt with it.

 

My question is, and has been, HOW am I supposed to deal with it? How am I supposed to "PROCESS" it, as they say?

 

Like you said though, I still need to learn how to grieve.

 

Whatever. Any way you look at it, it sucks.

[bonehead]

Just kidding

 

I think, the reason why anger is seen so much more often, as that *we* as a support group, find it difficult to help people come to terms with grief. With grief most people are really at a loss to say much more than, "Gosh, wow that sucks you have my sympathy." We don't know WHAT to say, because we've all been there. We've all had grief and no matter what someone says to you, you will STILL be grieving, there is no magic advice that will aid with the grief process, it's just gotta run its course.

 

Your right. People in general do not know how to support grief. And it really isnt that hard.

 

I really wish everyone could sit through whats called a Critical Incident Stress Debriefing with a fire department, police department or EMS service. You would be AMAZIED at how these people deal with grief.

[kymberann]

My question is, and has been, HOW am I supposed to deal with it? How am I supposed to "PROCESS" it, as they say?

I think part of it is just allowing the feelings to come and go as THEY feel.

Be aware "OK I am angry". "I think that's shock creeping in again", "Now I am miserable" followed by "I think I am despondent, better go have a good cry" followed by "there's some relief with that cry". Only to be back in the anger stage once more. It's not a linear process by no means. It runs its course.

I think some of the difficulty of allowing grief to happen and to "process" is that we often mistake feelings/emotions for fact, when in actuality feelings are a response to any given situation. Plus, most people WANT to avoid pain, by allowing grief we are acknowledging the existence of pain, hence we hurt!

What do you guys think?

[kymberann]

BTW Great topic to discuss here!

[bonehead]

I think part of it is just allowing the feelings to come and go as THEY feel.

Be aware "OK I am angry". "I think that's shock creeping in again", "Now I am miserable" followed by "I think I am despondent, better go have a good cry" followed by "there's some relief with that cry". Only to be back in the anger stage once more. It's not a linear process by no means. It runs its course.

 

I think some of the difficulty of allowing grief to happen and to "process" is that we often mistake feelings/emotions for fact, when in actuality feelings are a response to any given situation. Plus, most people WANT to avoid pain, by allowing grief we are acknowledging the existence of pain, hence we hurt!

What do you guys think?

 

It is hard, but you do have to allow the feelings to come and go and come back again.

 

I keep a journal and its odd to go back and read at times because in places where it looks like I have moved on to another stage, then BOOM take a step backwards. But you cant control your emotions. Channel them yes.

[bonehead]

BTW Great topic to discuss here!

 

Nah, just late night psyco babble b.s.

 

Actually I deal with this topic ALOT

[Can'tGiveUp]

I grieve the loss of this relationship...and it isn't over yet. After a bout of tears, I decided early last night it was over...then later determined that it wasn't yet. I read my journal, but no longer write in it...I found it repetitive of what I wrote when we ended it when he went back to W.

[bonehead]

I grieve the loss of this relationship...and it isn't over yet. After a bout of tears' date=' I decided early last night it was over...then later determined that it wasn't yet. I read my journal, but no longer write in it...I found it repetitive of what I wrote when we ended it when he went back to W.[/quote']

 

why dont you write in it?

[oyster]

why dont you write in it?

 

great thread, an eye opener for me.

 

I used to keep a journal. I stop writting because "my future with MW" was put on hold with our NC.

 

I write to keep notes on her stories and with time you know if it is true or not.

[lovernotafighter]

Not trying to sound like a therapist. But so often its a case of " MOVE ON YOU DESERVE BETTER " and while thats quite often true, the emotional aspect of the body doesnt agree.

 

I see alot of " Why do you this that and the other thing " when if you really think about it its a normal griving process.

 

If someone came on here and said " My MM got hit by a truck tonight " the response that got would be totally different when in realitiy THATS WHAT HAS HAPPENED. At least as far as the mind is concerned.

 

Just my psyco babble BS for the night.

 

 

I'm kinda just jumping in this thread, so I'm sorry if I missed anything or sound like I'm sampling someone else's post.

 

I used to tell my MM all the time I felt like I was in love with a man with terminal cancer, I was grieving him before he was even gone.

 

he did not understand any of this until this last NC..he told me he now understands because of piece of himself felt dead because he was grieving for me...just like that it was over, breaking up when you still love some one dearly is like them being murdered and in my case I always felt it coming so every moment I tried to relish and would be sad that my MM was not getting that...he could not wrap his mind around the fact that one day I would not be there.

 

now I'm in love with a ghost of a man I knew, the man that has thrown his heart on the table to me last week isn't him and never will be so in theory he is still dead to me and it still hurts.

[Romeo Must Die]

I could write a book on grieving. When my 17 year old son died in a car accident, you get all this literature and bad poetry how he is in Gods arms, when you would obviously much rather have them with you, right. You hear comments like, "Gee, I lost a dog once" or "Hey, I lost a brother", but obviously it's not the same thing. There is a support group for bereaved parents, but it's a club you dont want to belong to. Dont even let me hear this is God's plan. What about my plan? To see my son grow up and go to college and get married like I planned? God and I are not on speaking terms right now and He knows it. When it happened, everything was going so fast and then, time freezes and just stands still. You feel like a ghost in your own haunted house.

 

As for relationship grief, they say WS/MM grieve, but I dont see it. Generally, as in the case of my FWS, they grieve for themselves in the arms of their "therapists" - the OW. This big man cries about how he was beat up for so many years by his tiny, petite little wife.

 

Actually, the little wife has been doing for them exactly what the OW is doing for them now, they just stopped appreciating it and started taking it for granted. You give your life to them and it becomes something that is hated and unwanted. They never wanted to get married. They never wanted kids. They have some nice sex and a fine romance. Those are some pretty good rewards for someone whose doing all the f*ucking up. They take advantage of everything they are given and you're left wondering... where is my romance? This is it? We're back to where we were before when you hated me?

 

The way I see it, they have a nice cushy pillow to land on. Then when they realize what they lost, they have the BW to fall back on while BW and the OW deal with the fallout in the aftermath... picking their shattered hearts up off the floor, carrying FWS through his grief. What a mess that makes. BW/OW seem to grieve pretty hard whilst WS/MM act like everything is normal.

 

Everythings just fine, everything is just peachy.

 

As for BW grief, I think I will feel it the rest of my life. Eternally. Maybe I'll even have a sense of it when I take it into my next life. It's pretty traumatic. I'm not caught up to FWS just yet, I am still in the shocked, WTF were you thinking phase, like it just happened yesterday. On D-day, its over and we're supposed to move on, but for BW, thats where it actually begins. You don't get any easy answers and our questions are met with silence, or lame responses like, "Well I dont know" or "Gee, I don't remember"

 

The f*uck they don't remember.

 

[NoIDidn't]

Romeo,

 

I feel ya. You went through so much in such a short period of time. I can't believe you made it this far sometimes. I have a question though: when did his affair start in relation to the death of your son? Did it start within 18 months of it happening? Or was it already going on before the accident?

 

I want to see if it fits with what my therapist told me. My H had several people he leaned on after the death of his mother 3 years ago. I always felt like those were EAs too. He didn't feel like he could explain to me the depth of his pain. And, like most people, I couldn't bear to hear about it so much especially as I couldn't fix it. He took it as me not caring. But he was wrong. I miss my MIL most. I was the one to give her the coveted "girl", and every day that I look at my daughter I think about my MIL. I have a son that was within 5 feet of her hospital room, but they wouldn't let me take him in. She died never seeing him. So I understood his pain some, but not entirely.

 

Sorry for changing the subject some.

[Romeo Must Die]

This was in the month of March. Romeo was one of the fourteen firefighters that responded to the call. When he got there, he realized it was Randy. There was nothing anybody could do, our son was dead on the scene.

 

Now, before you feel all sorry for Romeo, I want to tell you some more to this story. I was home all that day cleaning the house and Romeo was "out" doing things. That was normal. I didn't suspect anything. I would have trusted him with my life.

 

Earlier in the day, Romeo stopped home long enough to start and argument and that motherf*ucker told me he was going to divorce me that day. It shocked me. That was the first time I ever heard those words come out of his mouth. It's kinda hard to forget the things that they say and their very ill timing, but it's out there now and it can't be taken back.

 

The next time I saw Romeo was on the side of the road at the accident scene. He told me later he had been at the park with his friend "Jason" and the kids. His pager went off and he left the kids with "Jason".

 

Coincedently, OW lives two houses down from the park and most of the time, that was how they hooked up all the time without me ever knowing about it, using the kids as an excuse. He took the kids to the park but that was the only truth he would ever offer me. It was the rest of it that he left out of his story that mattered the most. A this point, I may never learn the real truth.

 

One thing I must point out (affirmatively) that my FWS affair has NOTHING to do with Randy's death. Zilch. Nada. Nothing. In my mind, affairs are SELFISH acts of greedy, mindless *******s who consider only themselves and thier own interests and no one elses. If he even once considered our children, he would never have done this to him. If he even once dared used Randy's death as an excuse for his LTA, he would be buried right beside him today. Feel me.

 

Did the affair start before the accident, or did it start after, one can only guess. Everybody lies. History is re-written to protect one another, and, as you already know, the OW had no sympathy for my son when she defaced his memorial two years later with this epitaph... "RMD will never see her son for all the sins she has done" in the months proceeding HER D-day, when Romeo left her for me.

 

OW put on her halo and claims to her xMM that someone else had done it who hates RMD when confronted, but OW lives two houses away from the park where Randy's memorial marker is placed and nobody hated me enough to get me through my kids except for her. Not even the kids in town would mess with their friends memorial. This was the actions of a demented individual.

 

Only weeks before the grafitti attack on the memorial, she wrote a letter to human services to get my other children taken away for spite. The only reason I know she even wrote human services was because I took the crumpled up, half written letter version out of her trash can on garbage day trying to find evidence to proove she defaced his memorial.

 

They both swear up and down that they didnt consummate the affair until November the same year Randy died. However, I was five months pregnant when Randy died and by the time the baby was born, OW was babysitting for the other two kids at his insistance. The timeframe doesnt match up with his lies. I didnt even know OW and felt really strange about leaving my kids with someone I didn't even know, or ever met and any good mother would be worried about leaving her babies with a person they never met, right? "Her kids are friends with our kids' he said. 'It will be fine." he said.

 

When I asked RMD how he met OW, he said he met OW at a bar and she mentioned a tree had to be cut away at her house that had fallen, and that was when her K.I.S.A. came with his chainsaw to cut down the tree for firewood. We dont burn firewood in the spring/summer and Randy would have stacked that wood so he was alive when his dad met his OW. So I suspect this was going on before Randy even died.

 

I have to go before I puke on my Sony Vaio, will check back in later with this thread for your reply NID.

 

[herenow]

RMD, my heart goes out to you. You have experienced things that a mother and wife should never have to. I can't imagine the grief you have felt and still feel.

 

As far as the rest of this thread, I do that that there is a degree grief in every loss. I think that the amount of grief a person feels is relative to how prepared they are for the loss and how ready they are to accept it. I'm not talking about the case of a person (or even a pet) dying. I don't think you can ever be well prepared for that kind of loss.

 

In an event like RMD experienced, I can't imagine greater grief. However, in a situation like an affair. I think everyone involved knows that however it ends, someone will be hurt. Sure, there is grief, but I think that the greater emotion will be anger. Affairs are intentional and built on lies, that's why I feel that sometimes anger takes the place of grief. Or at least the two emotions exist together. Hope that makes sense.

[NoIDidn't]

Romeo,

 

OMG. I am shocked. Really. I don't know what else to say. I hurt for you. Wow. I'll take the rest to PM.

 

"I'm sorry" just doesn't seem to cut it.

[puddleofmud]

Hi RMD. Just a note to let you know that I have been thinking of you and Randy (I do remember his name in my Prayers).

I do not wish to agitate you but is there anything that we, on this forum, may specifically do to help?

I am glad that you are expressing yourself at the least but if there should be anything else for you that could be approached by others on this forum, I feel you have an open opportunity.

Respectfully,

POM

[frannie]

I have noticed that there isnt alot said about grief when dealing with the end of a relationship an here. I dont know why, except maybe the anger that is quite often involved with the end of a relationship. ( Which is actually part of the grieving process. )

 

I think there isn't much talked about grief at the end of the affair on this forum, and that's because it's all about affairs, and specifically for the "OTHER" person.

 

When an affair ends it's either at the (very difficult, heart-rending) choice of the OP, or occasionally the MP. Or those hideous things known as d-days. It's not a normal ending of a relationship, exactly. And a lot of people are left without any real 'closure'.

 

Another reason I think for the lack of expression of grief on here... is because of the illicit nature of affairs, and the fact of lies/deception being a big part of them. If OW/OM express grief about the end of an affair on here, they're quite likely to be met with 'I told you so's, 'what did you expect', and so on... and that will be the less condemnatory comments. It's not really a place where OP can share the grieving process... but I'm sure it goes on in private.