StuckinaRut Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 I posted before but my situation is getting worse. I left the city that MM and I were in. We are continuing to talk, he tells me everyday he loves me etc. I do really love him. More than I have ever loved anyone. The one thing I can't stand is her. I hate HER. I know I shouldn't but I just am so jealous of her. He is traveling at the moment, so he gets a lot of time to call me. he told me last night that he wants me to have his kid and all that jazz. how it sucks that we can't be together. Well he is in the marriaage and he's the one who hasn't left. Who do I get strong. I have come so close to ending the whole thing so many times but he keeps telling me to just wait. It will work. I don't even know if I want him if he was single. How do I get over him? how do I stop depending on the calls and him?????? Part of me wants to tell her so then it will be out in the open but I can't do that either. Do you ever regret starting the affair?
noforgiveness Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 Why would you ever hate HER as you put it? Her is a real woman with real feelings not some obstacle to what you want. Her is his wife, the woman he has promised to share the rest of his life with, and her is an INNOCENT VICTIM in this mess that this man and you have created.
InsanityImpaired Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 NF, as an outsider to the OM/OW spectacle I would strongly suggest you quit posting on that particular forum, as you are not helping anyone at all in those positions, especially with your tone. You are taking out the issues you should have with your husband on these OM/OW. How that is solving your issues is beyond me.
norajane Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 Your hate for HER is misplaced, as she's not the one preventing you from having your love. HE is the one who is preventing that from happening, because HE is choosing to stay with his wife while cheating on the side. If he loves you and wants children with you, why is he asking you to wait? For what? Why doesn't he leave his wife so you and he can be together and get your lives started? Direct all that hate toward HIM. And maybe that anger will help you be strong enough to stop seeing him and start getting on with LIVING your life, instead of hating your life and hoping and wishing and constantly being disappointed and unhappy. ETA: And by the way, one of THE BEST ways to get enough strength to leave an unhappy relationship is to start looking around and notice all the fantastic guys you are missing out on because you're stuck in a lovesick rut.
stillhere Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 Sorry SIAR for hijacking your thread............. Do i ever regret my A? No, i can't say i do. I know that he doesn't as well. Maybe things would be different, no, i know things will be different if we are discovered. We have learned alot from each other and we have both grown from this. I now know what i want from my future H and i will not settle for anything less. I love all the qualities about my MM. I hope to find that in someone in the future. I know that i have turned down many men because they did not possess what i was looking for. I'm being more picky. I have thought of leaving my MM many times as well, but i can't bring myself to do it. I love him like i have loved no other. He will always have a piece of my heart, til the day i die.
NoIDidn't Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 I don't see what NF said as not helpful. What HAS his W done to her? Does she even know his W? That said. I agree with nora. Redirect that to the person that deserves it: Him. He is the one telling you to wait. He is the one playing games with you. Not her. I, for one, appreciate your honesty in saying that you are jealous of her, though. Own it. Explore it. And ask yourself these questions: are you jealous of her because of what you think she has? If the roles were reversed, do you think you would still be jealous of her (if you were the BW, would you be jealous of the OW)? Maybe it would help if you wrote out, not here of course. HTH.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 Do I regret the A? I regret the fact this it is an A...I went into it thinking it was the beginning of a R with a single, be it divorced man... But I love him dearly...he is not perfect, nor am I...I cannot say that I regret loving him and I do not hate his W...I hate the fact that when I met him he told me that he was available, when in fact he was not... I think that if you are to continue in the A, you have to look at it differently...He is not chained there, he could go if he pleased...but he doesn't...you need to make peace with the fact that he is not going anywhere...maybe in time he will or he won't...but MM will often use the "I want you to have my baby"...I don't think they all mean it to lie and keep you bonded to them, but it's kind of like a "what if," what if I had married you? What if I had waited? They imagine what life would be like, but don't want to take the risk, either because they love their wife, or they love their life, the way it is... The fact that you don't know if you would want him if he was single, is alarming to me...why do you stay then?...Why would you want him to leave his W if you don't think it would work? There's no sense in continuing in that case...why prolong the inevitable...I stay because I have hope that his current situation will change and I believe that we would be good together...I can't imagine going through this thinking I wouldn't want to be with him in the end... You should really reevaluate here...is it love or competition? I hope you don't take this the wrong way...I know that you are hurt but I really think you need to decide what you want and if you even think maybe that it's not him, you should let go...
NoIDidn't Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 OMG! GEL, we agree on something! Great post.
bonehead Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 The one thing I can't stand is her. I hate HER. I know I shouldn't but I just am so jealous of her Its not hate, your jealous and at least you admit it. he told me last night that he wants me to have his kid and all that jazz. how it sucks that we can't be together. Well he is in the marriaage and he's the one who hasn't left. Remember that last line. I don't even know if I want him if he was single This one really bothers me. Everything else makes sense in a way. If you dont know if you would wan thim if he was single then WHY do you want him now?? So if he threw his marriage away FOR you would you say " Sorry your single now, go away."?
BenThereDunThat Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 Why would you ever hate HER as you put it? Her is a real woman with real feelings not some obstacle to what you want. Her is his wife, the woman he has promised to share the rest of his life with, and her is an INNOCENT VICTIM in this mess that this man and you have created. I have to say, I know how she feels. I felt the very same way, relatively speaking, only for about 5 minutes though. I really did feel like MAN! She has everything I want! I HATE her! But, like I said, that was really only about 5 minutes over the whole scheme of things. And honestly? Nothing I would ever actually admit to out loud. Because I truly am a caring, empathetic person. But, yes, there was a time I thought she had it all and I had nothing. Now I know that that is not true. Just saying that I can feel for OP. I know that feeling.
kymberann Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 Stuck, I can honestly say I felt some of the same feelings. Very jealous of W. Jealous MM left me to "go home" to her. Jealous they did "family" things together and wishing it was me. Even though I am sure they had their marital issues. Those feelings are one reason why I initiated Nc about three months into the R with him. It didn't help he was the one calling and wanting to start back up again. I think his calling that time around perpetuated my hope that he would leave W for me. And of course it did, he said so, but never followed through. At the end, that's what made me jealous/angry wit MM and W even more. She won what I was waiting for. However, as for regrets. Nope not a one. you know that addage "Tis better to have loved and lost....." Just keep in mind you NEED to do what you feel is best for you to either end the affair or continuing maintaining as you are now. What will you get from the A if you do decide to continue? What will you gain if you end it? Best to you!
Author StuckinaRut Posted December 15, 2006 Author Posted December 15, 2006 I know, hating her will not get me anything. I am just sick of being torn. There have been times I want him to mess up so I can break up with him. We share a connection that I have never felt before. He opens up and tells me that he feels the same way. I just wish it were easy to walk away. I am single and am ready for marriage. I want to find someone that can do that for me. I know MM can't. The reason I wouldn't be with MM if he did leave....trust. Since he did it to her....what would make him not cheat. I'm sorry that I'm a mess...I am just having a hard time with this.
oyster Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 The reason I wouldn't be with MM if he did leave....trust. Since he did it to her....what would make him not cheat. I'm sorry that I'm a mess...I am just having a hard time with this. I don't agree 100% on this. You will know how to detect early sign of divergence per say. The Affair is a syndrom. He is the evil person, he chooses to stay and say beautiful words to you. His wife while a victim is also the guilty party for his misery. If he can't set himself free, she should kick him out. Hope you find a good man to settle down with.
Guest Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 Be strong.... you are doing the right thing. Re-evaluate the whole situation as if he's single. You have every right to ask him, to treat you just like every other single man in the world. And you know what? You deserve so much better than that. I have been in relationships with two MM. One lasted for six years. He treated me just like a wife, except that we did not have the paper signed. I did not regret those days when I had to be alone, while he went home every night to his wife - I felt so rich when I was with him. And we parted happily. If you can see this relationship just like other relationships you had with single guys, then you will feel better. It does not work out only because of bad timing and/or everything that happened between you and him - his attitudes, your compromises, trust issues between you two, etc. - and it has nothing to do with other people - ie BS. I know you can do it. Take care. I know, hating her will not get me anything. I am just sick of being torn. There have been times I want him to mess up so I can break up with him. We share a connection that I have never felt before. He opens up and tells me that he feels the same way. I just wish it were easy to walk away. I am single and am ready for marriage. I want to find someone that can do that for me. I know MM can't. The reason I wouldn't be with MM if he did leave....trust. Since he did it to her....what would make him not cheat. I'm sorry that I'm a mess...I am just having a hard time with this.
noforgiveness Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 NF, as an outsider to the OM/OW spectacle I would strongly suggest you quit posting on that particular forum, as you are not helping anyone at all in those positions, especially with your tone. You are taking out the issues you should have with your husband on these OM/OW. How that is solving your issues is beyond me. Yes i am so sorry it was very wrong of me to remind the poster that the wife is a real person with real feelngs and not just an object blocking her objective to be hated. I'm sorry. OP sorry continue hating the wife. I would hate to remind the OW's that the wives are people with real emotions too. BTDT nice post. Like herenow said yesterday it is really nice to see how much you have grown with your feelings on this recently and howwell you are doing now.
yousaveme Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 To answer the OP ...Do i regret the A? I dont regret meeting him, I dont regret falling in love with him. I dont like how we met ( both not single). I regret the timing of it all.
herenow Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 I don't agree 100% on this. You will know how to detect early sign of divergence per say. The Affair is a syndrom. He is the evil person, he chooses to stay and say beautiful words to you. His wife while a victim is also the guilty party for his misery. If he can't set himself free, she should kick him out. Hope you find a good man to settle down with. Please explain to me how his wife is also the guilty party. As far as the OW hating the wife. I don't have any problem with that because, I'm sure if the wife knew the truth, feelings would be mutual. I don't see why it would matter to a BW what the OW thought about her anyway. I would think the only thing that matters to the BW is her husband. OMG, I think I'm finally over my obsession with the OW. Thank you Love Shack!
puddleofmud Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 You don't hate her--you hate the situation in which you have been placed. No IFS ANDS or BUTs. YOU are the only one who can change this. Concentrating on her will only lead to more of the same. If you aren't happy (feeling hatred towards someone as an aspect of a partnership isn't happiness) then this may be all you need to know. Best wishes to you for a happy relationship filled with complete love and laughter!
frannie Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 I posted before but my situation is getting worse. I left the city that MM and I were in. We are continuing to talk, he tells me everyday he loves me etc. I do really love him. More than I have ever loved anyone. The one thing I can't stand is her. I hate HER. I know I shouldn't but I just am so jealous of her. He is traveling at the moment, so he gets a lot of time to call me. he told me last night that he wants me to have his kid and all that jazz. how it sucks that we can't be together. Well he is in the marriaage and he's the one who hasn't left. Who do I get strong. I have come so close to ending the whole thing so many times but he keeps telling me to just wait. It will work. I don't even know if I want him if he was single. How do I get over him? how do I stop depending on the calls and him?????? Part of me wants to tell her so then it will be out in the open but I can't do that either. Do you ever regret starting the affair? You might feel hatred (anger, rather?) towards her, but really... that's displaced. HE is the one you should be angry with about the situation... she's completely unaware, and she's not causing it, so how can you be angry AT her? You need to redirect your anger with him (as the one causing and perpetuating the situation) where it belongs. See the situation for what it is, and remember that his actions mean a whole lot more than his talk about babies (that one always makes me sick!). When you come close to ending it... don't listen to his words... he's evidently great at reeling you back in. It's going to be hard, because he knows your buttons. You probably need to go NC (No Contact) and stick to it. Then you won't have to listen to him again.
Author StuckinaRut Posted December 17, 2006 Author Posted December 17, 2006 Well what a weekend. He was travelling until friday and was on his way home from Friday. He supposedly got drunk and called her to pick him up. They ended up fighting and he's heartbroken because he feels bad that he feels for me what he should for her. He has cried and just told me all weekend that he loves me so much! Well I had enough today and told him I can't do this. He needs to decide what he wants to do...I think he feels that he will never see his children...I don't have children so I don't know if I would feel that way or not. Well, on my side I had a wonderful date with a great guy this weekend. He was sweet to me, he was into me, and he made me feel great. Best of all he was single. But MM keeps reeling me back in...I told him I need time off and he makes me feel bad. How can I just let go of him. it's such a sad situation and for some reason I feel like I need to help him with his marriage. Quite messed up!!!
puddleofmud Posted December 17, 2006 Posted December 17, 2006 Sweetie, you are not qualified to "help him with his marriage". You have no children and are not married. Stay out of it! His WIFE is the only one qualified as would be a MC. Now go have fun!!!
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