This doesn't make sense...Everything was fine!

[GatorGirl]

Hi everyone--

 

I have never used a site like this, but I am desperate for some input, here is my situation:

 

My boyfriend & I had been together 6 months, I was in my last semester of college and he had graduated from the same school in the summer. We met in June 2006 and from the beginning we were attached at the hip. We were together everyday, 24 hours, never slept alone, unless one of us had school or work. We were so happy, out in public, by ourselves. We fell in love immediately (although I told him I love him first, which may have been a mistake, but was the truth). We knew I would be graduating in Dec (in 2 days from now actually). We always talked about moving somewhere together so we could be together and not have to break up. I have always wanted to go to NYC and he wanted to return home to south florida for law school. First we decided we would go to NYC and he would go to school there, then he changed his mind. We went back and forth about where we would go, and who would make the sacrifice. Finally after many 'mind changes' and close calls, we decided I would move to south fl with him (which meant me giving up my dreams of NYC). Fast forward to last week. After my final exams I drove down there to meet him, he was already there working for his father for some extra $$ ( the job made him miserable). When I got there he didn't greet me, he looked so unhappy and down. The whole week he was acting sad and depressed, only once and awhile would the 'happy' person I know and love came out. I was patient with him and gave him space. Well Sunday morning after a few days of interviews for new jobs for me, I expressed to him that I was a bit worried that I wouldn't find a good job here (the area is terrible for jobs with my degree). I told him it had nothing to do with him and my love for him I just wanted to be sure I was going to be happy. He told me to think about it and get back to him, but to be sure (he was being kind and mature about the situation). He left for a few hours with his father to go shopping, and what returned was a monster. He walked up to me when he got home and start yelling go pack your s*** we are going back home (where we go to school). He wouldn't tell me what was going on, he just kept yelling at me and telling me that if i wont pack my stuff and put it in my car, he would do it for me (which he ended up doing). I was crying and begging him to tell me what was going on, he was so angry, I didn't even recognize him. So we went back home ( in separate cars) he wouldn't talk to me on the phone or anything. He did say we would talk when we return that night. We got close to our exit and as we were turning off he swerved the other way and stayed on the road (only to find out later he didn't want me following him). He would not take my calls, I was a mess. I didn't hear from him till the next morning, he came to my house and broke up with me. He said very little, just we aren't meant to be and that he was leaving for south Florida for good in two hours (no sadness in his face or tone; all business, cold). I begged him not to leave, that I loved him, and we could work all of this out, I cried my heart out. He wouldn't even let me hug him. He drove away with me crying in my parking lot. I lost it, I couldn't believe that someone who I loved so much had just left me. I had boxes piled high in my living room ready for this move, a Uhaul scheduled for my stuff (which he booked), and no idea what to do now. The only thing I have heard from him since was that he wanted me to mail all his stuff to him that he left at my place. After begging him to call me, he finally did 2 days later, only to hear the same thing in a business like tone. 'We aren't meant to be, get over it.' I have tried everything, emails, IMs, text messages, phone calls. No response only to be blocked. I haven't raised my voice, said a cuss word, or said anything disparaging to him. Yet he has treated me like I slept with his best friend, shot his dog, and punched him in the face. He is angry about something, I can tell. I don't know what happened in those few hours at the mall with his dad, but whomever came back was someone I don't know. Our relationship was amazing, we hardly fought, we even talked about getting engaged. My friends and family are shocked that he has done this, everyone knew how happy we were. In one conversation I asked him if he was going to change his mind and he said "No, I can promise you that". What happened to the guy who told me he loved me 10 times a day, who had me in his arms every minute he could, who made me promise I would stay with him forever, and who told all my friends and his how lucky he was to have me.

I am heart broken, confused, and desperate to get him back. But he is being so mean to me, so cold. This all happen so quickly and I am devastated. I graduate in 2 days and that is completely ruined, I am not eating, I wont leave the house, I'm a mess. I have no plans now on where to go or what to do. I need advice....was this really not meant to be (how did he seem to figure that out in 4 hours)? Is he an angry person with serious issues? How can I stop dreaming about the life we were a few days away from having? I swear I didn't see this coming....

[InsanityImpaired]

He has serious issues and / or his father made some severe threats to him, if he would remain involved with you. I can't come up with a different explanation.

 

If the latter, then don't blame yourself - you could not have seen it coming. Now the hard part is to deal with your loss, because something like this cannot be fixed.

 

And it is hard to focus on your future - but reach out for support from your friends, and family. Take the time you need to heal from this.

[Guest]

That is pretty cold hearted.

 

Maybe he cheated and is angry with himself and taking it out on you as a defence mechinism.

 

Maybe the idea of you moving to be with him ...the idea of commitment ....unleashed a monster.

 

Whatever, if this is how he deals with stress or challanges. You need to ask yourself if this is what you want to have to deal with.

 

6 months is not a long time and there are sides to him you haven't seen, this being a not so charming one, and one that could surface time and time again with triggers. He showed you the door. Gladly take your leave.

 

You are young and I would take it as a sign to go to NYC. To be young and single in a big city. How exciting.

 

He will regret it, stuck in flacied florida. Years later You ...the one he unceremoniously discared on the cover of a savy magazine at the local checkout. As he counts change with his dirty fingers for his 40 oz of woe, he ponders if he may have erred. Of course by then you are styling in your Manhatten dwelling dating a male underwear model who is an artist and Vanderbelt heir. Oh wait that's me. Well maybe he has a brother.

 

You are young, better adventures await.

 

Bounce.

[Cossette4]

I definitely feel for you.

 

And our stories are oddly similar in some ways.

 

I was in NYC persuing my dreams when my boyfriend of 5 years out of the blue called me on the phone and said "We arent gunna work out..get over it." Oh and also, "You are 22, not 12--deal with it."

 

This was a total shock to me, because in 5 years this person had never, ever shown me one ounce of disrespect, and up until that point, I felt like he was actually MORE in love with me that I was with him (and I was pretty into it after 5 years).

 

I felt like my boyfriend of 5 years had died and some creepy douchebag had taken his place.

 

So, like you, I was just turned upside down and couldn't believe that it happened, and I called him obsessively trying to get answers (and I'm stuck in NYC so I can't go meet him face-to-face.) He refused to return my phone calls for the next 40 days, until his best friends forced him to meet with me.

 

In the mean time, I found out that days later, he began dating another girl and moved in with her after 2 weeks. The girl is a highschool drop out (I was my highschool valedictorian), she's bisexual (I'm a Christian conservative that was raised in the Catholic school system, as was he), she has 10 piercings in unoddly places (I didn't get my ears pierced until I was 16), and I've discovered she has a website where she posts naked pictures of herself wrapped in duct tape and bubble wrap (I....don't do this.)

 

So, as you can see, my ex-boyfriend is now psychotic.

 

I have no idea why in 2 weeks he changed from the person he was for 5 years (he had visited me in NYC 2 weeks before the phone call, bought me flowers for no reason, took me out to fancy restaurants, was his old normal self...)

 

At our "forced meeting" he was the coldest, cruelest person I have ever known, and the things he said to me were unimaginable. He was actually MAD at me, as if I made him do what he did. He told our mutual friends he was "bitter" and has no desire to see or speak to me again.

 

So like your situation, it is clearly abnormal and just downright creepy how nice people can change into mean horrible monsters. And we automatically search for WHY WHY WHY and after 5 months, I haven't been able to find it.

 

I'm graduating next week as well, and I feel like he ruined it, as well as ruining Christmas.

 

What you are doing (not eating, not leaving the house) is totally normal for a person in your position that was so betrayed. I am now a size 2 thanks to my cowardly monster of an ex-boyfriend.

 

The only thing I tell myself is "This can't hurt forever." It just can't.

 

Hang in there.

[jusified]

hey Cossette4,

I feel exactly what you feel. But when someone leaves you and is more interested in someone else you can't help that if their heart starts to stray.

 

I know its hard but have a hard look at everything and maybe realise just how much more you deserve. You sound like a great person with a great future, there is no doubt you will meet someone special in the future to spend your life with, so try not to worry abou thisguy.

 

5 years is a long long time, but compared to a life time it is not long... just don;t get back with him if he comes crawling back, you so deserve better and will get better even if it doesn't feel like it now.

[Cossette4]

"But when someone leaves you and is more interested in someone else you can't help that if their heart starts to stray."

 

Jusified,

 

That's another thing: I still don't know whether it's a case of "he left me for her" or a case of a rebound that occurred immediately after the breakup where he was looking for someone to make him feel good about himself again.

 

I go back and forth, b/c on the one hand I think--Well, CLEARLY if a week later he's with her, that would mean he left me for her.

 

But then I think, Uhhh but look at who she is--would the guy who legitimately loved me for 5 years really go to THAT? I also have it confirmed through mutual friends/the new girlfriend's blog that nothing was going on while I was away, and he never mentioned her to any of his friends until after our break-up. Also, the fact that he was geniunely mad and "bitter" toward me means there's something more to it than "Oh, he left me."

 

Personally, I don't think he left me for her. I think he left me to feel good about himself again, because I'll admit I got pretty nasty with him when it came to issues like--you should really graduate, you should really manage your money better, you should really start acting like a grown-up. I think he was intimidated and a little demeaned by the fact that I was going places and I let him know it, while simultaneously letting him know I expected him to shape up and come join me.

 

He couldn't do it (though he did a decent job of lying about it for about 2 years, telling me that he was graduating and then fabricating one reason or another why it never happened, saying he was getting promoted at work and then oddly enough getting fired soon afterwards), so he gave up and ran to SOMETHING that wasn't going to hold him accountable or push him to do more than wake up and breathe.

 

I'm pretty sure an unemployed, highschool dropout with no value system thinks he walks on water, and he'd give anything to feel that.

 

I do feel bad and guilty that I made him feel bad about himself, but he could never be upfront and honest about his feelings, so I can't stop what I don't know is hurting someone. Also, he LIED and made it seem like he was totally on the same page with me, when really he was on a totally different level. If he would have been upfront and honest with me, telling me, for instance, "Hey, college isn't for me," I would have respected that and dropped the issue. Instead, I went through a hell of a lot of effort to help a person that secretly didn't want to be helped. That makes me feel more mad than guilty.

 

And if I'm totally wrong and it is truly as simple as, "He left you for another girl--get over it," then I DO hold him accountable for a straying heart, because, again, I was never informed of the stray. Two weeks before this, he bought me roses, he was walking down the streets of Manhattan with me talking about marriage, and he was cuddling with me in bed each night. If he knew in three weeks he would be leaving me for someone else, then YUK--WHAT A SICK, SICK, MANIPULATIVE CREEP to play the role of the loving boyfriend of 5 years that week.

[D-Lish]

Girl, whatever happened, I suspect it has little to do with you.

It was probably something churning inside him that finally exploded.

 

It's totally unfair to break up with someone in the manner he did. It's awful to deny you closure. But it does you no good to speculate- because he is the only one with answers to what transpired, and he's refusing to let you in on it.

 

I agree that 6 months is probably not enough time to know the real person you're dating. Sometimes people are skilled at hiding the issues within them.

 

I hope that someday he gives you some answers, but that day may not come, so you have to be prepared to make your own closure and move on.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel for you. My situation is similar- in that it came without warning~ but it wasn't as harsh.

Get through your finals, look after yourself. I went through the not being able to eat or sleep or leave my house phase. And it does get better. I lost 10 lbs I couldn't afford to lose in the first place.

 

He has been unimaginably cruel to you. Please take solace in the fact that you will get through this. It will take some time, but you will.

What a jack-ass he is. I hope he comes forward someday with some answers.

 

Look after yourself okay?

D

[jusified]

yea, don't even worry if he left you for her or she was a rebound, it doesn't matter.

 

What he did isn't right and you deserve better, try and get through it