blind_otter Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 I have nightmares every night, since my Dad passed away in October. Initially it wasn't so much of a problem since I was heavily medicated right after he passed. But now I am weaning off tranquilizers. I guess I'm really doing the grieving or something. Last night I dreamt that he hadn't really died, it was all a sham. I was angry in the dream. Then I woke up and remembered his body laying there in his bed. I got to kneel next to him moments after he passed and be with him for a moment. If almost felt like he was still alive, even then. I have a sore throat now but I think that's a lump in my throat from wanting to cry. I wish I could have just one more hour, a few minutes with him. I know it was for the best. THe cycle of life, all that jazz. He suffered tremendously and was on loads of pain medication. But I just want to see him again one more time. I miss him so much I miss his guidance and his steady, warm hands wrapping around my cold fingers to warm them up. I miss his gravelly southern accent, and his big handlebar mustache. I miss the way he shuffled slowly as if he were considering the ramifications of each step. I wish he could have seen more of my life. I wish I could have made him more proud. I wish that he could still give me advice. I wish a lot of things. Thanks for listening.
climbergirl Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 I know that this is going to sound kooky, but maybe your dreams are a way for you to spend more time with him?
amaysngrace Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Nothing kooky at all about the afterlife. B_O, remember I use to go to my big sis for advice? Well I still believe she guides me. I tell my kids this too. If they have a problem they can share it with her and she will send them the answer in their heart. Talk to him if it you need him. He's here for you. XO
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Last night I dreamt that he hadn't really died I remember for months I would have dreams that my dad was still alive, then I'd wake up and cry... I'm sorry that you're in pain B_O, I know how hard this is on you.
Touche Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Aww, BO..Hugs to you! This made me cry and think of my own father and stepdad who are gone. But I really believe he CAN still see you. He's there with you. And if you REALLY listen and pay close attention, he IS there to still give you advice. Just listen, ok? And no, it's not kooky at all Climber. I do believe that the dead visit us in our dreams. I really do. I had a VERY vivid dream of my stepdad after he died. It was so real. And I never dream that vividly. It was nothing really. He was on his old boat laughing in a red polo shirt. It was so surreal. I've always thought he looked great in red and I loved his laugh. Our happiest times were on his boat. I think it was his way of telling me to not be sad and to not remember him after he got sick and lost so much weight. In the dream he was fit and tan. I feel for you, BO. But at least you DID have the time you did with him...I know that's not much consolation but my dad died when I was a little girl and I only have a few vague memories of him. You'll be ok. Just let yourself naturally go through the grieving stages, ok?
Author blind_otter Posted December 14, 2006 Author Posted December 14, 2006 I was going on long walks for a while and talking to Dad in my head. It helped. I think I might go back to taking walks in the evening after work. Dad always used to love taking long walks with his walking stick tapping merrily beside him. I remember he used to say that I should appreciate being able to walk as long as possible. THanks for the support. It's been tough lately. Monday will be the 2 month anniversary of his death. Perhaps I'll do something special.
Great Gazoo Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 I would definitely go for the walks. For myself a walk or being outside makes me feel closer to nature, the closer I feel to nature the more I feel at peace, I feel I belong to something much bigger, more connected to everything, even those who have left. I still talk to my grandfather in my head somedays.
amaysngrace Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 It'll get easier, really it will but for now you just have to experience it all and allow yourself to. This is going to sound so freaky but I don't care. My one sister hired a psychic. She's highly rational and about as non-believing-in-the-unexplainable as they come. The psychic told her so many things about my sister. One of them being is that she hasn't yet crossed over, she's still an angel. Apparently there's still work for her to do before she goes to the next stage of eternity. Anyway, one of the things she said is that my sister sends songs. We kind of knew this anyway, (well I did), but now it's more evident to the 'non-believers' too. Look for signs, B_O. That's all I can pretty much tell you. He's around. I just know it.
quankanne Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 it took me the longest time to go into my parents' bedroom after my mom died, because a part of me was happy and hopeful that I'd find her there, waiting for one of our chat sessions. It was the hardest thing to admit to myself that she was really wasn't gonna be waiting there for me. however, something a friend wrote when my brother was killed a long time ago rings true: that you continue to see that person in your heart, in your dreams, in your mind, so much so that you don't ever completely lose them … it's still very raw for you, otter, and your heart hopes beyond all expectation that maybe, just maybe you were wrong about him dying. The pain lessens as time goes by because you begin to look for him more and more in the things he's passed down to you and your sisters and their kids; in the special relationship he had with you; even in the little doo-hickeys and gifts he's given you, and you smile because you realize you have all those little gifts of him for as long as you live and remember him. Death can never take away that love. so do those things that help you celebrate his life and know that you are with him spiritually. hugs to you, kiddo q
Spinderella Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Blind Otter, Your dad sounds lovely. I just wanted to say, that I'm sure he was prouder of you than you realise, and that everything you ever do is a gift to him. (something somebody close said once and i find it relevant)
Author blind_otter Posted December 14, 2006 Author Posted December 14, 2006 Aww, thank you guys so much. Today has been a toughie for me and it helps to get these stories from other people who have gone through the grieving process from the loss of a parent or grandparent.
2020vision Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My dad passed away two days before Thanksgiving due to heart complications and I know exactly how you feel, even down to the same dream. But more like a nightmare. My dad was hilarious, so in the dream/ nightmare I had, he came back saying it was all a big joke and that he was really okay. It was a pretty cruel trick that my mind played on me. For a second when I woke up, I really thought he was still alive. I cannot offer too much advice, as I am in the thicke of greiving right now and am barely hanging on myself. But, just thought I would let you know you are not alone....
Art_Critic Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 A huge hug for you - **************Hug*************
Author blind_otter Posted December 14, 2006 Author Posted December 14, 2006 Warm fuzzies. I think about Dad a lot. I put a picture of him when he was young in the Navy up on my mantle, and found another picture of him standing over me as if he's watching over me, from when I graduated high school. I still get teary eyed even thinking about it. One day things will be easier. Until then, I have to fake it 'til I make it.
hotgurl Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 oh Otter, I do believe that he is still with you watching over you. You will never lose him, his spirt, his voice it will always be with you/ It is just his physical body that is gone now. in time things won't be so painful.
Author blind_otter Posted December 14, 2006 Author Posted December 14, 2006 oh Otter, I do believe that he is still with you watching over you. You will never lose him, his spirt, his voice it will always be with you/ It is just his physical body that is gone now. in time things won't be so painful. thanks HG, that made me smile. And that is a great accomplishment at the end of the day.
Mz. Pixie Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 Oh BO I'm so sorry you're struggling. HUGS to you. I have regrets too. When my grandmother died and they asked me to go to the back of the funeral home to ID her before they cremated her I asked someone else to do it. I wasn't present when she died- she just fell asleep in her chair at my uncles house and I'd just had major surgery. I wish probably weekly that I would have gone back in that room, with just her and I, and touched her hair one more time or something along those lines. I'm tearing up just thinking about it now. At the time I just couldn't handle being the one to ID her- she was a mother to me- and I was grieving so bad. But yet I'll always regret it. Death sucks. It sucks to be left behind............
Guest Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 My granny passed away recently.I'm the eldest grandchild, and we were very close.She was 86 but it was so sudden.My aunt told me something though, when we were all in the house before the removal.She said that she passed away so suddenly, that she had to adjust to it,as much as we had to adjust to the fact that she was gone. She said she's still all around you everywhere, watching, taking care of you.In Ireland, we have a custom of "waking" the body.People sit up all night, around the open coffin in the house, talking, remebering.My aunt did that.She washed my granny's hair, and talked to her all night.The doctor in the hospital said that too.She's still a person. I think what you're going through now is your subconcious way of dealing with a great shock to your system, and you should let it take it's course.And maybe be thankful that you loved your dad so much, that you had him for that time, that you can feel like this. But you're also right...it sucks to be left behind.
quankanne Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 I put a picture of him when he was young in the Navy up on my mantle, and found another picture of him standing over me as if he's watching over me, there's a Hispanic tradition of setting up an ofrenda to honor the memory of the deceased that's a really lovely one. Mostly, you see public ones or hear about them during las dias de las muertas (days of the dead, or Nov. 1-2), but some families have a special corner in their homes with an altarcito (little altar) or ofrenda set up with candles, a picture of the Sacred Heart/statue of Jesus/the Bible and photos of family members who have passed on. I think in our culture it's a very visible reminder to say that we are still connected by love to those people, that we don't forget them. Maybe you can make your own little special spot of photos and favorite memorabilia of your dad?
Author blind_otter Posted December 18, 2006 Author Posted December 18, 2006 there's a Hispanic tradition of setting up an ofrenda to honor the memory of the deceased that's a really lovely one. Mostly, you see public ones or hear about them during las dias de las muertas (days of the dead, or Nov. 1-2), but some families have a special corner in their homes with an altarcito (little altar) or ofrenda set up with candles, a picture of the Sacred Heart/statue of Jesus/the Bible and photos of family members who have passed on. I think in our culture it's a very visible reminder to say that we are still connected by love to those people, that we don't forget them. Maybe you can make your own little special spot of photos and favorite memorabilia of your dad? In Vietnam they have ancestor worship, so part of the altar is always taken up with photos. My SO and I set one up with a picture of his "pops" (granddad) and my father, and we put pictures of the Virgin up with the photos. I also included some of my Buddha statues and my Tibetan wheel of the dead. I burn incense in front of Dad's picture occassionally as an offering. It does make me feel better and when I'm really down I stand in front of the altar and touch his photo when I cry.
Author blind_otter Posted December 18, 2006 Author Posted December 18, 2006 I am so grateful that I had this relationship in my life. Without my Dad, I don't know that I would be as sane as I am (and that's not much, ) - he gave me the stability and unconditional love that every child deserves and it's what helped me to survive the trials of my life and the crosses that I have to bear. Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of that. Even when he was alive - especially when he was alive - I had troubles remembering. Now that he is gone I hope it becomes easier to remember because now, he is always with me.
Porn_Guy Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 my Tibetan wheel of the dead. WTF is up with dat?? Sounds like some torture device
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