Getting my daughter's life back on track.

[luvtoto]

My 14 year old daughter is going to live at a group home for an extended period.

 

I have her seeing a new psychiatrist and therapist.

 

At her psychiatrist appointment, we found out that my daughter does NOT have bi-polar, yet she is suffering from 'post traumatic stress disorder'. She suffers from manic episodes because of it. Well, at least we know why the bi-polar meds weren't working.

 

We are making progress with her. She is willing to work out her problems.

 

Part of the progress is to get my daughter in a highly-structured environment. Someplace for her to work out her anger issues, and to get her life back on track again.

 

Her anger issues stems from the abuse she saw her dad put us through when she was five. I left him to go live in a shelter with my two kids when she was five after a huge blow-out fight. Also, from knowing her dad is currently in prison. She has rage inside of her and is acting out in a way that resembles her father.

 

My son has no residual effects from the abuse. He was too young.

 

I feel like I failed her as a parent. I can't stop judging myself.

 

Just a note: If you are in an abusive relationship with children involved. Leave now, before it's too late. The children pay in the long run.

[che_jesse]

I'm not a physchatrist or anything but... how is sending her away going to help her? To me it would seem your sticking her in a home because you dont want to deal with / help her with her problems, or atleast thats how it would look to me if I were the kid, why cant you provide a "highly-structured environment" at home?

 

It took a lot to leave whoever was beating you and all that, and you did alot of your kids then, but... dunno... seems to me that being a parent does not stop when your kid hits there teen years.

[luvtoto]

Just wanted someone to tell me that I am taking the right steps to getting my daughter better.

 

I am doing the right thing, right?? Everyone is telling me that this is the only option. My daughter even wants to go.

[quankanne]

I feel like I failed her as a parent. I can't stop judging myself.

 

failure would be not allowing her to heal psychologically, i.e., buying into the BS that getting this kind of help is scandalous. You wouldn't believe the number of intelligent and/or educated people who are scandalized by the idea of psychotherapy.

 

YOU are a good mama, because you love your child so much that you've put her needs first and it sounds like you're very supportive of her. I realize you feel like it's possibly too little or too late, but you are doing positive something for her!

 

She is willing to work out her problems.

 

:) this is probably the biggest part of helping her heal, and I imagine that once she receives the tools needed to do just that in the group home, she's going to make great strides.

 

hugs to you ... it's not easy being a parent

[luvtoto]

I feel like I failed her as a parent. I can't stop judging myself.

 

failure would be not allowing her to heal psychologically, i.e., buying into the BS that getting this kind of help is scandalous. You wouldn't believe the number of intelligent and/or educated people who are scandalized by the idea of psychotherapy.

 

YOU are a good mama, because you love your child so much that you've put her needs first and it sounds like you're very supportive of her. I realize you feel like it's possibly too little or too late, but you are doing positive something for her!

 

She is willing to work out her problems.

 

:) this is probably the biggest part of helping her heal, and I imagine that once she receives the tools needed to do just that in the group home, she's going to make great strides.

 

hugs to you ... it's not easy being a parent

Thanks Quankanne. I really needed to hear that. This has been quite a blow to my self-esteem as a parent.

 

I don't want to have an empty room in my house. I don't want to have that empty hole inside my heart missing the crap out of here while she is gone.

 

I feel like I she's leaving and never coming back.

 

Will this affect my son, not having his sister around for a long period of time...will I have visitation with her??

 

Will she come back influenced by all the other kids there. Will it make her worse?

 

What if she calls me crying to come home, yet I don't allow it. Will she hate me then?

 

*sigh* I am a mess.

 

This all seems like such a crap shoot.

[dropdeadlegs]

Wow, I went to live in a girls group home when I was 14. I was basically an "unruly" child who didn't like curfews and liked to sneak out of the house. I needed help with accepting boundaries. I was dabbling quite a bit with drugs, alcohol, petty crime, and sex when the courts removed me from my parents home. I was pretty much out of control.

 

I stayed in a town about 25 minutes from my parents home and was permitted to go "home" for weekends and such. There was a lot of structure and each girl had certain chores which were rotated weekly. I got one 15 minute phone call daily, could not date until I was 16, and then only boys that were within two years of my age. I participated in both individual and group therapies weekly. We would volunteer time in lots of different ways, like at church, the St. Vincent DePaul store, nursing homes, hospitals, etc. which gave me a sense of community. I had a job in my junior and senior years of high school, as well as the summer after 10th grade.

 

Most of the girls were placed there for their own safety and were physically, emotionally, or sexually abused in their homes. The home was run by the county children's services division and worked toward putting families back together again whenever possible. Until then I had no idea that real abuse existed and it very much opened my eyes to what a harsh world this is. I went home after about a year and a half, but I ended up going back to the group home. I just did better in every way with a lot of structure and my parents gave me too much freedom. For some reason, I couldn't be mean or ugly or disrespectful to these "strangers" but I could to my own family. I lived there for over four years and it was a good thing for me. I think it was hardest on my only sister. Overall I grew up a lot and learned to respect people and myself.

 

I hope your daughter will thrive as much as I did. As parents, we usually blame ourselves for our children's problems, but as long as we continue to try to do our best and learn, isn't that all we CAN do? It sounds like you and your daughter recognize the problem, the cause(s) and are actively doing something about it all. AND you're making decisions together to provide for a better future. Best wishes to you both! It will be hard at times, but hopefully she will be blessed with people that were good to me and good for me, like I was.

[InsanityImpaired]

Just wanted someone to tell me that I am taking the right steps to getting my daughter better.

Definitely you are. It is so easy to give up on your daughter, because of all the problems she has. Because it is highly frustrating as a parent. It is not easy to raise kids, let alone when there are serious psychological problems. I am sorry to hear that she was originally misdiagnosed with bi-polar. When the meds are not working, that does not help things either. But you have not given up on her, and that is telling a lot about you .

 

I am doing the right thing, right?? Everyone is telling me that this is the only option. My daughter even wants to go.

 

Yes, you are definitely doing the right thing, and it is a hard thing to do, at the moment. Always get the information you think you need - about visitation, calls et cetera.

 

That your daughter is willing to work on her problems is a positive thing - and a positive attitude is always important.

 

Your son must be a couple of years younger than her. It could be a positive thing for him. Because his sister can finally start to address her core issues, the two of them may be able to form a bond, that is not plagued by her issues.

Seeing what steps you have taken to take care of your daughter, I am quite confident that you (and your daughter) can explain to your son why this step is being taken.

 

I wish the three of you well.

[blind_otter]

I think you're doing the right thing, lt. It's harder to do what you're doing than to look away and pretend that nothing is seriously wrong. I'm proud of you for being so strong.

 

Make sure to do the research on the group home and visit it, if possible. I think that might help set yourself more at ease?

[luvtoto]

For some reason, I couldn't be mean or ugly or disrespectful to these "strangers" but I could to my own family.

That's exactly why a group home may work for her. No matter how many rules I instill...I just get a severly negative response. I know that she loves me, I don't take her angry remarks to heart.

 

I feel like a trigger in her eyes. Yes, I had to shut her father out of their lives. But, he was an abusive, drug dealer and my kids weren't safe at his house for visitation. I thought it was the right thing to do. She needs to deal with her anger without me around her.

 

Your post was comforting to me.

 

Because it is highly frustrating as a parent.

I feel guilty for being frustrated by her. I am the parent. I should have endless patience and be perfect.

Your son must be a couple of years younger than her. It could be a positive thing for him. Because his sister can finally start to address her core issues, the two of them may be able to form a bond, that is not plagued by her issues.

That's a positive statement! Never thought about it that way before.

I wish the three of you well.

Thank you.

[quankanne]

This has been quite a blow to my self-esteem as a parent.

 

I don't want to have an empty room in my house. I don't want to have that empty hole inside my heart missing the crap out of here while she is gone.

 

I feel like I she's leaving and never coming back.

 

Will this affect my son, not having his sister around for a long period of time...will I have visitation with her??

 

Will she come back influenced by all the other kids there. Will it make her worse?

 

What if she calls me crying to come home, yet I don't allow it. Will she hate me then?

 

*sigh* I am a mess.

 

This all seems like such a crap shoot.

 

just keep faith that she will find what she needs there, because the highly disciplined environment that DDL talks about sounds like the very thing she understands that she needs to move in the right and positive direction. I imagine you're gonna miss her madly, and she her family, but as long as she knows that she has y'alls love and that you are there for her emotionally as well as physically, it'll be something that she can hold inside that'll keep her strong when she's feeling otherwise.

 

your comment about her leaving and never coming back? Try to think of it as a purify process for her: she'll still be your little girl, but stronger and more happy inside because of what she learns from the experience. That all the garbage and negative behavior will be cast aside as she embraces more positive, healthier means of interacting with the people around her. LOL, she goes in a little green inch-worm and comes out of the coccoon a light, gorgeous butterfly that brings joy to others.

 

keep the faith, toto ... just keep the faith that all will work out for the best even as you worry about what is happening.

[luvtoto]

I think you're doing the right thing, lt. It's harder to do what you're doing than to look away and pretend that nothing is seriously wrong. I'm proud of you for being so strong.

 

Make sure to do the research on the group home and visit it, if possible. I think that might help set yourself more at ease?

This is tearing me up inside. Thanks for your support, B_O. I will do the research needed.

 

I just hope there is tons of supervision there. They don't love her like I love her. I am entrusting my daughter to strangers.

 

Try to think of it as a purify process for her: she'll still be your little girl, but stronger and more happy inside because of what she learns from the experience. That all the garbage and negative behavior will be cast aside as she embraces more positive, healthier means of interacting with the people around her. LOL, she goes in a little green inch-worm and comes out of the coccoon a light, gorgeous butterfly that brings joy to others.

That's a good way of looking at it. You are really smart, quankanne!

[luvtoto]

I am sorry. I was re-reading everyone's advice and didn't see this post earlier.

 

I'm not a physchatrist or anything but... how is sending her away going to help her?

I am not sure. I am wondering that myself.

 

To me it would seem your sticking her in a home because you dont want to deal with / help her with her problems, or atleast thats how it would look to me if I were the kid, why cant you provide a "highly-structured environment" at home?

See that's the stigma. I love my children. My younger son goes to church. gets good grades, is highly motivated and is involved in many activities. So, this isn't about bad parenting.

 

Providing a highly structured home life is a 24 hour a day job/7days a week. Being a single parent with no family to lean on, I am holding the entire household bag on my shoulders. Lots and lots of responsibility. Sometimes, I've even worked two jobs to pay the bills. Leaving my kids home by themselves. I am unable to date anyone either, because I just simply don't have the time or energy to put into that even. I don't have a social life, my life is my kids. Not that I am complaining mind you. Just explaining how it is...with no support.

 

It took a lot to leave whoever was beating you and all that, and you did alot of your kids then, but... dunno... seems to me that being a parent does not stop when your kid hits there teen years.

Who said I was stopping being her parent? Is that what you think?

I guess that's the stigma again.

 

I did not come up with this "group home" idea on my own. I have been advised by her school counselor, psychiatrist, & a few therapists. We've exhausted all other avenues in her recovery at this point...I am desperate for help for her and she is desperate to get it. This may seem extreme to you, it does to me too. I just don't know what else to do for her, that I haven't done already.

[InsanityImpaired]

I am not sure. I am wondering that myself.

Because there they will have the tools and knowledge to help your daughter. If strictness and supervision is needed, you don't have the luxury to walk out on your job, just to make certain that your daughter lives by the rules. To mention but one important practical constraint, forced upon you because of the daily struggle for the pay-check.

 

And of course, no human being, as much as we hate it, is perfect. You feel frustrated, but:

1) that is because you care, and are not happy with things as they are.

2) you refuse to give up hope for your daughter. And that is what ultimately counts in a parent. And is a very good thing of you .

 

People like your daughter are confronted with a lot of stigmata - which more often than not hurt their healing. And it is not in a few moments that all these struggles can be overcome, sadly.

Some people with a psychological disorder consider taking meds as a sign of weakness, as suppressing their real selves. Sometimes resulting in discontinuation of the meds, and with terrible consequences. And as a parent, as much as we hate it, we sometimes do not recognize patterns for what they really are and what they are not.

 

Read dropdeadlegs' story again. I think it highlights quite a few positives.

[che_jesse]

I did not come up with this "group home" idea on my own. I have been advised by her school counselor, psychiatrist, & a few therapists. We've exhausted all other avenues in her recovery at this point...I am desperate for help for her and she is desperate to get it. This may seem extreme to you, it does to me too. I just don't know what else to do for her, that I haven't done already.

 

You have to do what you think is right for her of course, the only thing that is a red flag to me is this:

 

You said she was on bipolar meds, I don't remember which post it was but you has listed them previously, it was a pretty serious cocktail she was on. Come to find out now.. she does not have bipolar. Whoever put her on those meds was way to anxious to medicate her, and I don't think they fully did there job.

 

She is a child, her body, brain, and chemistry that goes along with both are not fully developed, what sort of health care professionals would subject a child to heavy drug treatment the long term side effects of which are not fully known without being 150% certain that it was the ONLY thing possible. Its not your fault, you can only listen to what the doctors tell you, but they jumped the gun on the meds.

 

Are you certain they are not rushing into another unnecessary course of treatment again? That they are 150% certain this is the ONLY thing that will help her? They are telling you give up your child, are you sure they are not just reading off a list of possible stuff to do?

[luvtoto]

Because there they will have the tools and knowledge to help your daughter. If strictness and supervision is needed, you don't have the luxury to walk out on your job, just to make certain that your daughter lives by the rules. To mention but one important practical constraint, forced upon you because of the daily struggle for the pay-check.

Her own school and all the resources they have are still not even enough to help her. They are even at a loss. So, that puts things into perspective for me. Like you said, Insanityimpaired, she needs someone who has the tools and knowledge to help her.

 

Excellent post, btw!

 

You all are helping me so much.

[dropdeadlegs]

Luvtoto,

 

Many will question your decision, but you and your daughter know best what is needed right now. Sometimes a change of scenery, as is often touted in 12 step recovery programs, is what is needed in order to accurately reflect on and change some behaviors. The fact that she WANTS to go says something, and I don't mean that to sound like she simply wants to be away from you. I don't know all the facts, but sometimes it is easier to be totally honest with people that don't have the emotional ties to you. In family counseling at her age, I was still concealing so much for so many reasons. Mostly out of fear of repercussion, but also because telling your parents anything negative about your parents is hard to do at that age. It's hard to do at any age.

 

I do not blame my parents for my problems at that time of my life now, nor did I then. Somehow I knew that they were truly doing the best job of raising me that they knew how to do. I think that being exposed to others who had real family issues helped me to see that I was basically a spoiled brat who was 14 going on 35. My thought processes were so skewed and that produced ridiculous ideas and tons of bad judgment on my part. I did not like myself much and with little or no value of oneself, bad choices, and dangerous choices, are bound to be made.

 

Please do not feel bad about this choice. At least not yet. It may be the thing that makes it all better and it may not. I had good counseling (when he left and moved to California I was crushed and never felt the same connection with another therapist.) My therapist helped me to see things that I simply could not decipher on my own. And he did it in a way that he didn't allow me to blame others totally, thus not allowing me to wallow in self pity. He taught me that knowing you are loved and feeling loved are indeed two different things, but that I had the power to make that my cop out for life or to take that knowledge and use it my advantage in the future. I don't feel like I am explaining this well. I think it is okay to recognize and blame someone for certain pain in your life, but that ultimately using that as an excuse for everything that doesn't go as you'd like is bullsh*t. Like living a piss-poor, unproductive, drug-filled life with no meaning and then blaming it on your dad because he beat you to much. Blame dad for being abusive, but he can't keep you down forever. At some point you can choose who is in your life, and who is not. Helping yourself and having just yourself is all you can really count on and control in life, the rest is somewhat of a gamble.

 

I'm rambling now....I don't mean to make this post about me.

 

When I said it was hardest on my sister, I should have elaborated that she felt somewhat pushed to the side because I was having all these problems and taking the lead part in a lot of drama. Make sure your son feels that he too is worthy of attention. When the child is well behaved and doing well in school it is easy to overlook them and concentrate on the problem child. Talk to him about his feelings about his sister and her absence. My parents were not good at communication and we all saw the multiple pink elephants in the room but didn't dare speak of them. Own the entire situation, stigmas be damned! Why do we care so much about what others think about us anyway? They don't live in our lives and it is easy to pass judgment. They have their own stigmas whether they choose to recognize them or not.

 

This may be a great thing and open lots of communication and love if she gets good counseling. Feeling able to share even the most terrible or absurd thoughts is crucial to good counseling. If she can't be totally honest with her counselor, get her a new one. Mine was a great man and I would have thought that a woman would have been easier to click with. It was a lot of work that I didn't totally understand at the time, but that man saved my soul, and I truly believe he saved my life. How I wish I could tell him that now, because I am so grateful. My relationship with my folks isn't perfect, but I understand them better and hold no hard feelings about my upbringing. I make mistakes with my kids every day, but I tell them and show them how much I love them every day too.

 

I really hope this will be a good thing for your family, but only time will tell. You will certainly be in my thoughts. Now I've gotta see if I can find a man by the name of Dave Lombard, my savior. The internet is a wonderful tool!

[luvtoto]

Luvtoto,

 

Many will question your decision, but you and your daughter know best what is needed right now. Sometimes a change of scenery, as is often touted in 12 step recovery programs, is what is needed in order to accurately reflect on and change some behaviors. The fact that she WANTS to go says something, and I don't mean that to sound like she simply wants to be away from you. I don't know all the facts, but sometimes it is easier to be totally honest with people that don't have the emotional ties to you. In family counseling at her age, I was still concealing so much for so many reasons. Mostly out of fear of repercussion, but also because telling your parents anything negative about your parents is hard to do at that age. It's hard to do at any age.

 

I do not blame my parents for my problems at that time of my life now, nor did I then. Somehow I knew that they were truly doing the best job of raising me that they knew how to do. I think that being exposed to others who had real family issues helped me to see that I was basically a spoiled brat who was 14 going on 35. My thought processes were so skewed and that produced ridiculous ideas and tons of bad judgment on my part. I did not like myself much and with little or no value of oneself, bad choices, and dangerous choices, are bound to be made.

 

Please do not feel bad about this choice. At least not yet. It may be the thing that makes it all better and it may not. I had good counseling (when he left and moved to California I was crushed and never felt the same connection with another therapist.) My therapist helped me to see things that I simply could not decipher on my own. And he did it in a way that he didn't allow me to blame others totally, thus not allowing me to wallow in self pity. He taught me that knowing you are loved and feeling loved are indeed two different things, but that I had the power to make that my cop out for life or to take that knowledge and use it my advantage in the future. I don't feel like I am explaining this well. I think it is okay to recognize and blame someone for certain pain in your life, but that ultimately using that as an excuse for everything that doesn't go as you'd like is bullsh*t. Like living a piss-poor, unproductive, drug-filled life with no meaning and then blaming it on your dad because he beat you to much. Blame dad for being abusive, but he can't keep you down forever. At some point you can choose who is in your life, and who is not. Helping yourself and having just yourself is all you can really count on and control in life, the rest is somewhat of a gamble.

 

I'm rambling now....I don't mean to make this post about me.

 

When I said it was hardest on my sister, I should have elaborated that she felt somewhat pushed to the side because I was having all these problems and taking the lead part in a lot of drama. Make sure your son feels that he too is worthy of attention. When the child is well behaved and doing well in school it is easy to overlook them and concentrate on the problem child. Talk to him about his feelings about his sister and her absence. My parents were not good at communication and we all saw the multiple pink elephants in the room but didn't dare speak of them. Own the entire situation, stigmas be damned! Why do we care so much about what others think about us anyway? They don't live in our lives and it is easy to pass judgment. They have their own stigmas whether they choose to recognize them or not.

 

This may be a great thing and open lots of communication and love if she gets good counseling. Feeling able to share even the most terrible or absurd thoughts is crucial to good counseling. If she can't be totally honest with her counselor, get her a new one. Mine was a great man and I would have thought that a woman would have been easier to click with. It was a lot of work that I didn't totally understand at the time, but that man saved my soul, and I truly believe he saved my life. How I wish I could tell him that now, because I am so grateful. My relationship with my folks isn't perfect, but I understand them better and hold no hard feelings about my upbringing. I make mistakes with my kids every day, but I tell them and show them how much I love them every day too.

 

I really hope this will be a good thing for your family, but only time will tell. You will certainly be in my thoughts. Now I've gotta see if I can find a man by the name of Dave Lombard, my savior. The internet is a wonderful tool!

Wow. I am in awe of your post, dropdeadlegs. You hit on sooo many key points in our struggle. What you went through and what my daughter is going through are very similiar experiences. The whole time I was reading it .. it was like, Hey! that's sounds like my daughter. Especially the part about her being 14 and wanting to be 35. Making bad decisions, also.

 

If I had a dime for every time I would have to explain to my daughter that she is only 14 years old, I would be rich!

 

She just doesn't understand.

 

But, it's the truth!! I tell her that she deserves a childhood, and I will fight to the death for her to get one.

 

Hopefully, it's not too late.

[dropdeadlegs]

Hopefully, it's not too late.

 

It's never too late to show how much you care.

 

I think it is great that you and your daughter made this decision yourselves. Neither my parents nor myself made the decision for my family, a juvenile court judge did that for us. I think my parents felt a lot of shame about not being able to control me. My folks tend to be judgmental people, so they assume the world is judging them as well. I didn't care what people thought of me, how could I possibly care what they thought about anyone else? As a matter of fact, I didn't care period...about much of anything. I was so numb to feelings of any kind. A drastically low self esteem does that to a person and I felt that no one understood me, least of all myself.

 

Suicide, drug addiction, prison...any of these could have been my future had someone not had the foresight to intervene. Again, my life was saved by the course of action you have chosen. And if it doesn't work out as well for you and yours, at least you tried an option. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.