STLguy Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 So, my GF is leaving the country for the next 9 months. Today starts the one obsticle in our relationship that I've dreaded since we first started dating. We were apart for the summer, and ended up breaking up for a week period because she "wanted to be completely free of all ties." I know that came from her trying to prepare for Europe, and we both know it'd be hard to continue a relationship with that great a distance. We ended up getting back together since then and everything has been great. She is extremely independant, and I know she wants to be alone to travel around Europe while she's over there without having to worry about anything over here. We decided to stay in contact (e-mails with bi-weekly phone calls) while she was overseas, but that we should both be single while she's over there, and see where we both stand when she gets back. I cried when I dropped her off at her apartment, even though I didn't want to, I'm just going to miss her, I really do feel like I'm losing my best friend, and confidant for the next 9 months. I really hate crying, I cried in front of her during the "breakup" and now when dropping her off. I really hate that that's the very last memory she has of me for the next 9 months. I really just want this next 9 months to end. I really can't see myself dating anyone these next 9 months knowing that we could possibly get back together, and quite frankly if this doesn't work out I don't see myself dating anyone for the next year and a half. I'll just wait until I settle into a career, I don't want to go through another relationship while in college. I don't know where this next 9 months in going to take us, though I can see myself settling somewhere with this girl after college, we've both talked about that possibility. I guess I'm just scared of the unknown. I know 9 months isn't THAT long of a time, though people can change a lot. Anyone have advice? I'm really just down and out, and extremely confused at this point.
rina_r Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Now imagine how tough it is for those whose significant others get deployed to Iraq or smth for 9 mo to 3 years, maybe you'll stop whining then.
sb129 Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Whoa Rina_R, pretty harsh! Although she does have a point STL Mate, you just need to get on with YOUR life- your GF obviously is getting on with hers by going away to Europe for 9 months! Sorry to say but she isn't going to be moping around missing you, so you had better try not do the same. Neediness isn't attractive. And stop pinning all your happines on nine months in the future- get happy now! So you aren't going to Europe- big deal. Why don't you do something that challenges YOU for the next nine months- do something you have always wanted to do- learn to play an instrument or join a sports team. You don't have to be with someone to be fulfilled! If things don't work out for the two of you, you are still young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Is there any chance you could maybe meet up in europe for a week or two halfway thru her trip? This would give you something to look forward to and a shared experience. You HAVE to get positive and look out for YOU (otherwise its going to be a miserable nine months). If you do, and for some reason things don't work out when she gets back, you will be able to move on much more easliy because you will have your own life. If you put your own life on hold while she is away, you will just resent her.
sb129 Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 PS yes people CAN change alot, but yes you are right nine months isn't that long a time. I live thousands of miles from some of my BEST friends. We see eachother once a year... and our frienships are still great. Relax! Stop worrying so much.
bab Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Now imagine how tough it is for those whose significant others get deployed to Iraq or smth for 9 mo to 3 years, maybe you'll stop whining then. That's pretty harsh! Just because there are others who have it just as bad or not worse doesn't lessen his pain. STLguy-- I know it's not what you want to hear, but you should try to move on with your life. There is no guarantee that she will be coming back to you. And if she does, she probably doesn't want to come back to someone who has put their life on hold. She wants someone who is interesting and has an active life. Try and live it up as much as possible. Spend this time concentrating on who you are and working on the goals you have for your life. Good luck to you.
sb129 Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Bab- great minds think alike huh- we were typing the same advice at the same time spoookyyy... See STL??
Author STLguy Posted December 14, 2006 Author Posted December 14, 2006 Putting my life on hold is the last thing I intend to do. In fact, quite the opposite. I'm in the midst of most difficult college year between my leadership roles in organizations, internships, and coursework, and I barely have enough time to breath as it is. That's precisely why I said I most likely wouldn't date anyone in the next year and a half, I don't have the time to find and start something new. My life is extremely well on track no matter what happens between my GF and I, and this will not interfere with my goals. While I may not be moping around the fact that I'm losing the only person I can 100% trust and confide in, truely relate to, and who keeps me from going absolutely insane under the pressure I'm under now is not easy. rina_r - Who the hell do you think you are? How about you learn some ****ing respect, realize I'm in absolutely no mood to put up with comments like that, shut the hell up, and quit being such a damned bitch.
sb129 Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 Whoa STLGuy, you asked for our opinions- Rina is just as entitled to hers as anyone else. Thats the whole POINT of LS. If you weren't prepared for opinions that you might not want to hear you shouldn't have signed up. She doesn't deserve an outburst like that, and you aren't going to get any sympathy from anyone if you react like that. I think you owe Rina an apology. Nobody has got anything to gain from being abusive- other peoples persepective helps you put your own situation into perspective. Take from it what you want. I offered advice that I thought would be supportive and helpful- I only saw what you posted initially, so it was based on that. Good for you if you are going to be busy- hopefully it will keep your mind off your GF. And if you don't want to date anyone else-dont! nine months without dating is nothing! I appreciate you are feeling hurt and lonely, but you haven't LOST your GF- I thought you were going to have regular email and phone contact while she is away? And where are your friends in all this? Surely they can support you thru this? And if its such a tough time for you, why is she going away now?? I wouldn't be buggering off to the other side of the world if my BF needed me that bad right now.
Author STLguy Posted December 15, 2006 Author Posted December 15, 2006 Yes, I haven't completely lost my GF, so I suppose I am overreacting. This trip has been 100% planned since we met. I guess I just kept ignoring the fact that it was going to happen eventually, and kept trying to ignore it. I would never even ask for her to stay, I couldn't do that. Regardless of how tough things are for me, I know how much this means to her. My GF and I are the exact same person, and while I can go to many friends if I have a problem, I know I wouldn't open up and go as in depth with my issues with them. I'm a very independent person, though I know it doesn't seem like it from this thread. I really just like to deal with my own problems. Even when friends ask me how I'm going to deal with my GF being gone for so long I never offer anything more than "I'll be alright." My GF is the first person I've ever opened up with this much, and who I've actually able to be myself around. I've never felt this in any other relationship I've been in, which is why nothing in the past has worked out I suppose. I guess I'm just scared of losing that connection, I never thought I'd find it, and I guess I"m scared that it'll be different when she comes back. I suppose I did go a bit too far with rina, but I refuse to apologize. The whole point of this thread is to get things of my mind, whine a bit, open up in an anonymous way, and gather various perspectives. I realize LS is about asking for opinions and criticism, which is why I'm here, however, absolutely no constructive criticism was given her. It was nothing but an uncalled for direct attack, that added absolutely nothing to the discussion.
TheDC Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 I'm sorry but I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with SB129. You have lost your GF. She is now a friend and that's it. Sure you will have contact with her but you can't go on acting and thinking of her as your GF. Because you are going to be on the phone with her one day and she will be talking about all the people she is meeting and then she will tell you about the guy she is seeing and you will be gutted. So you had better get over her and pronto. The first thing you need to do it go cold turkey when it comes to her. I'd tell her that you still love her etc... but that you need time to get over your feelings and that staying in contact with her isn't going to help. She is already in the mental frame that you are simply a friend and you need to get there as well. Hopefully in nine months you will be able to see her again and be happy with being her friend and looking back fondly on the time you spent togther.
Sevenmack Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 Forget friendship with this woman. Just end it. When a girlfriend chooses to go off to Europe for nine months, whatever her general reasons, she's saying that you're not a part of her future plans. So it's time to move on. Trying to maintain relations, either through long-distance contact or some so-called friendship, isn't going to work. You want to be her lover, not a friend. So break it off, mess around with some other women and enjoy your life. If you're not special to her, she should be considered the same by you.
KolzarAAV Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 I agree with Sevenmack, no sense of waiting for her.
sb129 Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 And if its such a tough time for you, why is she going away now?? I wouldn't be buggering off to the other side of the world if my BF needed me that bad right now. When a girlfriend chooses to go off to Europe for nine months, whatever her general reasons, she's saying that you're not a part of her future plans. So it's time to move on. This just backs up what the last two posters said reallyWe are all really saying the same thing STLguy. I tried to be constructive and positive by using the info that you gave us, but my instinctive advice would be not to pin too many hopes on things working out. No disrespect taken DCMack. Good Luck STLguy.
pureinheart Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 Wow....so sorry you are going through so much....and you are not whinning....it's called HURT. I went through this too, I don't want to tell you the story because it is negative and you don't need that right now.....but it did make me stronger..... Hey you are one of the few good guys and if it's not her, you WILL love again.....gotcha in my prayers....
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