I guess no closure for me....

[Guest]

Recently I dated a girl for 4 months. We became close, and saw each other quite often.

 

During this time she was always in a bad spot, and this was about 90% of our conversations. She needed a new job, (had 6 this year), needed a new car, never felt well, is estranged from her family as she feels they are not good for her,and basically had a new problem or complaint every day.

 

During this time, our conversations would go in circles, and it would lead more to become irritated. She would talk to me about a certain issue for hours, then call friends, tell them the same issue, and get back to me saying she thinks perhaps my solution is not right.

 

Bottom line is that everyday it was all about her, and what she needs etc.

 

Then one day out of the blue she looks back and tells me on the phone "it just isnt working for me" I was upset, called her the next day, and we spent the weekend together, which was pretty good.

 

After the weekend I call her on a Monday night and she tells me "we are just not a match , sorry" I ask why etc. And she said it is because "I was walking ahead of her, and not right next to her"

 

this really hurts, as the entire weekend was spent out and doing things, things she enjoyed doing. We looked at houses, went hjiking, went out to eat, went to the movies etc. And she leaves me with that. I tried to talk to her, text her, et, and all she says is "Sorry we are not a match." She is no longer attracted to me. How does this happen so quickly, and how does she not show one ounce of emotion???

[Vincent T]

I knew a girl like that once. I know how you feel. The thing is she doesn't know what she wants. She is confused about life, and has so many other problems she is not capable of having a relationship. She doesn't know how to love. She doesn't like herself, so it's hard for her to know how to like or love someone else. She treats you the way she treats herself. She doesn't even know she is hurting you. The only way you two will have a relationship is if and when she changes herself. That may not be for a long time. Why don't you tell her you agree that you are not a match, and wish her the best. See what happens. If she contacts you after that, great. Go out, have fun, nothing serious. If she doesn't, it's not because of you, she just isn't capable. This is not something that is going to change overnight. If you stick with it, you are probably in for a long haul and many disappoinments, and it may not work out. If you are not willing for this, then get out now. My girl and I were together for 6 years, and it's a long haul, with many ups and downs, and a lot of pain. So just be prepared for the worst, and pray for the best.

[Spinderella]

Maybe she's a narcissist?

[rosebud6712]

why would you even want a girl that is so confused about herself and her life at this time? she can't provide what you need, it's NOT the other way around! i think it's time you find yourself a women and not a girl who just doesn't know which direction is which right now. let her get her things in order, and perhaps she'll come around, but in the meantime, use this to your advantage, like i said before, you don't need a girl who's so "confused".........

good luck!

[D-Lish]

I'll tell you something, it's really hard to be in a relaitionship with someone when you're in a bad stage in your life. She probably recognizes that you are in a more stable place than she is.

 

She's jobless, despondent, probably a little depressed and feeling hopeless about her future. If she isn't feeling good about herself at the moment, it's hard to feel good about being in a relationship. You have to like yourself first before you can feel worthy of other people's affection.

 

I suspect that is what's going on here. She doesn't like herself or the place she's at currently, so it's hard for her to accept your love.

 

When she gets her act together and gets into a more stable place, she'll be more open to recieving love. You can't help her do this, she has to figure it out for herself. Just give her time and space, and in the meantime keep yourself busy.

 

I suspect that you would have grown to resent her selfihness and hopelessness at some point had you stayed together. It sounds as if you were getting to that point already. So it's probably best for you to be apart from her during this time.

 

D

[Guest]

I am in a tough spot. On one hand I miss her, and feel no contact is best. I havent talk to her or had any contact in 4 days. Perhaps she may come around. ?

 

On the other hand I really feel like writing her an email telling her how self obsessed she seems to be, and how badly she made me feel. This is where I am right now. I lost a friend, lover, someone i completely opened myself up to. She left the relationship showing no emotion, and blaming me for everything. It had made me second guess myself and feel horrible all week.

 

What is best? No contact or write the email?

 

 

I'll tell you something, it's really hard to be in a

 

relaitionship with someone when you're in a bad stage in your life. She probably recognizes that you are in a more stable place than she is.

 

She's jobless, despondent, probably a little depressed and feeling hopeless about her future. If she isn't feeling good about herself at the moment, it's hard to feel good about being in a relationship. You have to like yourself first before you can feel worthy of other people's affection.

 

I suspect that is what's going on here. She doesn't like herself or the place she's at currently, so it's hard for her to accept your love.

 

When she gets her act together and gets into a more stable place, she'll be more open to recieving love. You can't help her do this, she has to figure it out for herself. Just give her time and space, and in the meantime keep yourself busy.

 

I suspect that you would have grown to resent her selfihness and hopelessness at some point had you stayed together. It sounds as if you were getting to that point already. So it's probably best for you to be apart from her during this time.

 

D

[Spinderella]

I dont know. If you were abit doormattish in the relationship, then showing abit of anger and passion might be actually a good thing. BUT I dont know about actually critisizing her.

On the other hand, it doesn't look as though the relationship is going to go anywhere even if you do get back together, so it is probably best to NC it until you are over it. I really don't believe in closure from another person anyway, I don't think it EVER happens.

I dont know if it will make any difference long term, what you do, so perhaps just think about what will make you feel better.

I think people have bought up some very valid points, both in this thread and your other one (sorry for the joke btw), that you really do need to ask yourself why you put up with a relationship where you clearly were not happy with the way that she was.

Of course you miss her. You always miss people you have spent some time with, and also I think we all unconsciously invest more hope than we think we have into a relationship, even one which is not going anywhere.

She really doesn't sound as though she can commit to anything, and these kind of things don't just vanish.

Perhaps you should start looking at improving the way that you conduct your relationships too. You don't seem to question yourself at all in this relationship. I think most people wonder where they may have gone wrong, but, you seem to have not even considered this as a possibility.

[Guest]

Well she actually said I was too critical of her. So I wasnt the doormat type at all. it was more that all of our time together focused on her. I wasnt catering to her, or kissing ass, or anything like that.

 

I suppose I may have been too critical at times. I would simply ask "Why didnt you vacuum for 2 months?" Or I would ask "Why dont you own any drinking glasses?" "Why dont you have a drop of food in the house.?"

 

So, at times she thanked me for being critical. She said I helped her see many things, and she always said she wanted to change for the better.

 

Then, it seemed she looked back, and noticed me always being critical. She says that added up, and she couldnt deal with it.

 

I am a pretty laid back person. But if someone cant vacuum for 2 months, and they complain about dander everyday, I am not afraid to ask why. I dont feel that is being hyper critical. The same for the other situations.

 

I already wrote her emails, and texts, etc last week. She wrote me back telling me she cant think because I keep bothering her. She wants to come to her own conclusions. So thats where I am now.

 

She also thanked me for saving her from scientology. They wanted to send her away for 4 months, and then have her work 5 years , 40 hours a week for free. This was a situation I again was critical of, annoyed her, but then in the end she thanked me alot.

 

I am guessing you think NC might be the best, and just wait it out either way?

 

d passion might be actually a good thing. BUT I dont know about actually critisizing her.

 

On the other hand, it doesn't look as though the relationship is going to go anywhere even if you do get back together, so it is probably best to NC it until you are over it. I really don't believe in closure from another person anyway, I don't think it EVER happens.

 

I dont know if it will make any difference long term, what you do, so perhaps just think about what will make you feel better.

I think people have bought up some very valid points, both in this thread and your other one (sorry for the joke btw), that you really do need to ask yourself why you put up with a relationship where you clearly were not happy with the way that she was.

 

Of course you miss her. You always miss people you have spent some time with, and also I think we all unconsciously invest more hope than we think we have into a relationship, even one which is not going anywhere.

She really doesn't sound as though she can commit to anything, and these kind of things don't just vanish.

 

Perhaps you should start looking at improving the way that you conduct your relationships too. You don't seem to question yourself at all in this relationship. I think most people wonder where they may have gone wrong, but, you seem to have not even considered this as a possibility.

[demilde]

I'll tell you something, it's really hard to be in a relaitionship with someone when you're in a bad stage in your life. She probably recognizes that you are in a more stable place than she is.

 

She's jobless, despondent, probably a little depressed and feeling hopeless about her future. If she isn't feeling good about herself at the moment, it's hard to feel good about being in a relationship. You have to like yourself first before you can feel worthy of other people's affection.

 

I suspect that is what's going on here. She doesn't like herself or the place she's at currently, so it's hard for her to accept your love.

 

When she gets her act together and gets into a more stable place, she'll be more open to recieving love. You can't help her do this, she has to figure it out for herself. Just give her time and space, and in the meantime keep yourself busy.

 

I suspect that you would have grown to resent her selfihness and hopelessness at some point had you stayed together. It sounds as if you were getting to that point already. So it's probably best for you to be apart from her during this time.

 

D

I think this is exactly what my ex was going through; serious money problems caused by a failing business, but with a child and house to support. Feeling that she was a failure because the business was and wanting to escape the grown up world. Therefore did not like herself and rejected any love shown to her.

 

I know she is addressing the issues and I guess time will tell if it helps her to accept love from anyone else; whether it be from me, or anyone else.

[Guest]

I don't know. If it was me going through a rough time I think the last thing I would do is dump my girlfriend. Especially if she is caring and understanding.

 

What bothers me is that if something bothered her, she could have said so right then and there. Instead I suppose all the little things added up, she thought on her own, and then just told me "we are not a match" I really didn't get to say anything. Not afforded an explanation, an apology, nothing. Just "sorry, it isn't working for me" When i tried to talk to her all I got was "no, wont change my mind, isn't going to happen" Just seems cruel and heartless to me.

 

I think this is exactly what my ex was going through; serious money problems caused by a failing business, but with a child and house to support. Feeling that she was a failure because the business was and wanting to escape the grown up world. Therefore did not like herself and rejected any love shown to her.

 

I know she is addressing the issues and I guess time will tell if it helps her to accept love from anyone else; whether it be from me, or anyone else.

[Spinderella]

Well she actually said I was too critical of her.

You think maybe she has a point??

You havent said anything nice about her yet.

So I wasnt the doormat type at all. it was more that all of our time together focused on her. I wasnt catering to her, or kissing ass, or anything like that.

If you are focussed on her all the time AND telling her what she is doing wrong all the time, I'm sure the relationship didn't make her feel all that great.

Sometimes people just need to feel loved and accepted and they will find their own answers. It's not often people are too dim to see what needs doing, especially such simple things as hoovering will make the floor cleaner. So perhaps you pointed out some things that weren't so obvious to her, and she was grateful, but, then you took it too far because you thought thats what she wanted and needed.

Usually if people aren't doing their housework etc, it is because they are depressed and see no point. Obviously she is unsatisfied with her life, but, perhaps having somebody do things for her isn't the answer. Perhaps she expects to fail, and maybe that is why she cannot stick to a job.

If she keeps pushing people away, maybe it is because she wants to find her independence AND handle it.

I think if she has asked for space, then give it to her.

[Guest]

I probably was too critical of her.

 

But at the same time, she complained about everything.. Her car, her job, her coworkers, her health, the air, the water, food, etc. Ofcourse we had good times, watching movies, or going out, or being intimate etc, but much of her time was spent complaining.

 

I thought this would change as things got better. And while I was with her, her life did get better. She got a better job, got a new car, stopped going to a cult(scientology), read some good books i suggested, started to exercise, ate better etc. All within 4 months.

 

But then she just seemed to take a look, and see that much of our time together wasnt fun. I probably did make her feel bad, but the end result was much better.

 

I did help her alot. I helped her help herself. I guess it is why it was so hard to get such an abrupt dump. I never got a real chance to explain, or talk, etc. She just told me "We are not a match" She said this one day after we had a good weekend together.... No matter how much i tried to get a feeling out of her, she was like a rock with no emotion .."sorry it isnt working for me, we are not a match"

 

 

If you are focussed on her all the time AND telling her what she is doing wrong all the time, I'm sure the relationship didn't make her feel all that great.

Sometimes people just need to feel loved and accepted and they will find their own answers. It's not often people are too dim to see what needs doing, especially such simple things as hoovering will make the floor cleaner. So perhaps you pointed out some things that weren't so obvious to her, and she was grateful, but, then you took it too far because you thought thats what she wanted and needed.

Usually if people aren't doing their housework etc, it is because they are depressed and see no point. Obviously she is unsatisfied with her life, but, perhaps having somebody do things for her isn't the answer. Perhaps she expects to fail, and maybe that is why she cannot stick to a job.

If she keeps pushing people away, maybe it is because she wants to find her independence AND handle it.

I think if she has asked for space, then give it to her.

[D-Lish]

Guest, you mentioned that if you were in a bad place that you wouldn't dump your ex. WHen I was in a bad spot, I did pull away from my ex. It was because I was going through so much turmoil at the time, and just wasn't feeling too good about myself or where my life was at. So I did push my ex away- mostly because I didn't feel I was worthy of his love at that point in time.

 

I suspect that your ex might just need space. I think it's important that you remain in NC until she reaches out to you. When she's feeling better about herself, and gets things sorted out, then maybe you can reconnect.

 

If she was always so negative about everything- and complained all the time. I guarantee that you would have grown resentful and probably would have chosen to end it with her eventually. There's only so much frustration one can take you know?

 

So give her space. You may find yourself a more positive partner with a better spin on life that compliments your view on life rather than brings you down. All that negativity would have eventually broken your spirit, and who needs that?

D

[Guest]

Guest, you mentioned that if you were in a bad place that you wouldn't dump your ex. WHen I was in a bad spot, I did pull away from my ex. It was because I was going through so much turmoil at the time, and just wasn't feeling too good about myself or where my life was at. So I did push my ex away- mostly because I didn't feel I was worthy of his love at that point in time.

 

I suspect that your ex might just need space. I think it's important that you remain in NC until she reaches out to you. When she's feeling better about herself, and gets things sorted out, then maybe you can reconnect.

 

If she was always so negative about everything- and complained all the time. I guarantee that you would have grown resentful and probably would have chosen to end it with her eventually. There's only so much frustration one can take you know?

 

I KNOW EXACTLY WHY IT HAPPENED - SOMETIMES THAT'S HOW U LEARN. WE PROBABLY COULD HANDLE THINGS NOW. I UNDERSTAND ALL ISSUES AND HOW THEY BLENDED TOGETHER AT THE WORST TIME - AT LEAST WE GOT IT OUT OF THE WAY THEN AND GREW FROM IT.

[Love Hurts]

Recently I dated a girl for 4 months. We became close, and saw each other quite often.

 

During this time she was always in a bad spot, and this was about 90% of our conversations. She needed a new job, (had 6 this year), needed a new car, never felt well, is estranged from her family as she feels they are not good for her,and basically had a new problem or complaint every day.

 

During this time, our conversations would go in circles, and it would lead more to become irritated. She would talk to me about a certain issue for hours, then call friends, tell them the same issue, and get back to me saying she thinks perhaps my solution is not right.

 

Bottom line is that everyday it was all about her, and what she needs etc.

 

Then one day out of the blue she looks back and tells me on the phone "it just isnt working for me" I was upset, called her the next day, and we spent the weekend together, which was pretty good.

 

After the weekend I call her on a Monday night and she tells me "we are just not a match , sorry" I ask why etc. And she said it is because "I was walking ahead of her, and not right next to her"

 

this really hurts, as the entire weekend was spent out and doing things, things she enjoyed doing. We looked at houses, went hjiking, went out to eat, went to the movies etc. And she leaves me with that. I tried to talk to her, text her, et, and all she says is "Sorry we are not a match." She is no longer attracted to me. How does this happen so quickly, and how does she not show one ounce of emotion???

 

She needs time to find herself and sort through life.

It’s sad that it’s not possible to do that… with you being part of it and It may be fortunate for you … you are not to be part of it.

Keep ready for anything, wounded and confused people often times run- in -circles. She may return.

[Guest]

She needs time to find herself and sort through life.

It’s sad that it’s not possible to do that… with you being part of it and It may be fortunate for you … you are not to be part of it.

Keep ready for anything, wounded and confused people often times run- in -circles. She may return.

 

my ex left because she saw that she couldn't help get me out of my depression and addiction and i was turning on her because of that. she did the right thing. if we were together now it would be totally different because everything stated in here could have been us. i know what i did. she once told me she had never gone thru anything like this before - and she stayed. she stayed way longer and i am grateful. i made her daughter feel bad and that was it.

 

i have reviewed all my behaviours, taken the time to track the roots and triggers, started things i would have said i started in the past and i am doing all this out of respect to her - she didn't sign up for a repair job - she signed on to the happy together guy that wasn't quite that. so, i hold now bad feelings for her leaving - everything she stated was true and i listened for once. nc allowed me to get my arse in gear. thanks c. well done. big love.