How do you back from someone who makes random pointless contact?

[insomnie]

I realize I've probably joined the ranks of the crazies here on LS by now, but here goes yet again.

 

Exbf and I are "friends" but I'm starting to realize I can't handle that right now. I'm too obsessive and the whole thing feels too contrived. I mean if he was an actual friend I wouldn't ahve to feel like I have to give him space to miss me, right? Nope, what we got going is an elaborate mind game. The mind game may exist in my mind only, he might not give a **** at all, but that's irrelevent. Point is, I'll go insnae if I go down this path with him. I don't want to be friends.

 

What I want is absolutley no contact. I want to give him a LOT of space to figure out what HE wants, whether or not he wants ME, in what capacity, if he can handle a relationship, etc. And I want space to heal, to get over all this. I can't do that right now. Right now, he's popping in exactly often enough to keep himself on my mind all the time, but not enough for it to be construed as "effort".

 

I know how easy it is to turn off someone from ever wanting to be with you. I know I haven't done that yet here, but I want to be careful. Carefully, I want to cut him off - in a way that doens't make me dramatic, or mean, or crazy. In a way that leaves the door open just a little, just enough for him to be able to squeeze himself back in IF he decides I'm really what he wants.

 

How do I do that? I talk to him nearly every day, though the conversations are pretty meaningless. Just check-ins initiated by him. How was your day talks. And we're nice to each other. I can tell he misses me, but not enough to give up being single. And I'm nice because I am honestly a nice person to people that I like. And when we hang out, he tells me how important I am to him and how much he likes me as a friend.

 

I just can't be friends with someone I'm trying to force back into love with me. It's too stressful. And I know if he really loved me, he'd be able to commit. He'd include me in all parts of his life, he wouldn't lie to me, he'd want to see me more often than just often enough not to be lonely.

 

This whole situation is just making me so sad. =(. But I don't know how to stop this "friends" nonsense wihtout coming off as a b!tch, or as though I'm in love with him. Which I am, of course, but that's not something he needs to know.

[loveinlife]

Insomnie,

 

Like your situation, my exgf and I are still friends and have been seeing each other over the past 2 months.

 

I still care about her. She is currently going through a lot of stress in school and im trying to be there to support.

 

Like your exbf, my exgf is confused and doesn't know what she wants.

I've been hurt for nearly a year and have drowned myself in misery after our initial break-up 12 months ago.

 

As an escape, Im currently focusing on myself and going for my pre-med at UC Berkeley. Im also trying to see other people and make my options open so i don't have to revolve my love life for my Exgf who might not want to get back w me one day.

 

My point is don't throw your life away. There are lots of things in life to focus on and im sure there are other wonderful people out there looking for a girl like you. Hope you are feeling better today.

[Walk]

I hate to say it Insomnie, but if your exbf considers you a bitch because you need to seperate yourself from him, then he's a ****ing hypocrite.

 

I suggest you tell him that you don't wish to see or talk to him anymore. I wouldn't explain why, or even leave the door open for him. If he thinks you're waiting in the wings, he'll never feel he lost you. He'll always have the option of picking things back up (without change) with no fear that you've ever really left. Besides, this isn't even about him. This is about you and what you need in life. He's not giving you what you need, in fact he's making things worse for you.

 

Cutting contact with him isn't about what he thinks. It's about you. And it won't matter what you do, or say, or how you act, if you stop playing his games he's going to call you a bitch. The whole relationship has been about him and what he wants. His hobbies, his girl who's "just a friend" but he goes on trips with, his interests, his life and his wants. It's ABOUT HIM. Wasn't this the guy that lied about where he was and who he was with while off doing hobbies and wouldn't allow you to go with him. When has he ever really taken your thoughts and feelings into consideration? He's lived his life solely for his own needs. He's not going to consider how you feel in all this so anything you do to re-establish your own individuality is going to come off as a threat to him. He's going to try to make you out to be the bad guy.

 

You need to cut contact for your own well being. If you aren't mentally healthy, then even if he did come crawling back, then you arent' going to be at a place mentally strong enough to help either of you. You need to focus on getting your mind and body strong again. The healthier you are, the more able you'll be to help others. It's not selfish. You need to be mentally healthy and capable of helping those people you do care about. With this break up stressing you out, and his contact draining you, you don't have anything extra to give to anyone else. He isn't helping you, he's hurting you. Do what you have to do to be the best you can. This isn't about being mean, or selfish toward someone. This is about creating an environment where you are capable of taking care of not only yourself, but others who are important to you. Whatever it takes to get there... do it.

[insomnie]

Thanks Walk, I always feel so strong and sane after reading your posts. You give really great advice =).

 

I know you're right and I know what I have to do. It's just so hard to actually follow through...telling him not to call me again woudl feel so final.

 

But you are right that things are completley one-sided right now. Completley about him - and he seems to think that's ok.

 

He's been hanging out with his friends a lot, as well as that girl. They're still taking the trip togehter, and he still hasn't told me about it. His group of friends even seem to have developed some new interests, some of which I share. Of course I am never invited.

 

About a week ago he and I were hanging out, though, alone, and we ended up having sex. Afterward he said, "Thanks for being there for me. I'd feel so lonely without you."

 

I felt so used.

 

I know you're right and I know what I have to do. It's just hard because it would feel so final, because I know how much I would miss him and all the regrets I would have, and because every time I am think I am set on doing this a tiny part of me pulls in the other direction. I keep hoping that if we have a better and better time hanging out, learning to be friends, things will change on their own. He'll start inviting me into other portions of his life, fall back in love, and this time around we'll have a healthy happy relationship.

 

Only I guess things don't work out like that. Or do they?

 

Every time I think hard about this situation I begin to wonder if I have a split perosnality disorder or something. BOTH SIDES MAKE SENSE - the one advocating NC and the one that thinks I can pretend he's a new guy I'm trying to better get to know and eventually fall in love with.

 

I guess though that at the very least I need to take some real time apart. Lucky for me in 3 days I'm flying home for a month, where I won't have to see him or think about him.

[Walk]

I definitely don't believe you have a mental illness. If you do, then I've got the same thing.

 

I know the hardest thing for me to deal with when breaking up, or ending contact with someone, is that I destroy that dream I have of the future. As though I gave up on the possibility of a better life with that person. I think that ends up hurting me the most. I end up feeling like the naive optimist that life has to knock back down to reality far too often.

 

I guess really all you can do is continue telling yourself that the future you wanted wasn't really a possibility. He wouldn't put the effort in to make it happen. You did your part. The death of the relationship lies on him. It hurts like hell, I know... it is a death of something you valued, and wanted. It's okay to mourn it, to feel sad, to feel hurt.

 

Telling him not to call isn't final. It sounds final. It may end up being final. But he still has a choice in this. He will always have a choice. Unless you move somewhere he can't find you, change your phone number and mailling address, and never go anywhere you might possibly see him.. then he will still have the choice to contact you.

 

I think the only reason you believe it to be final is because you don't believe he'll care enough to change what's happening. And the sad fact is, I don't think he'll change it either. It probably will be final. But clinging to this guy is hurting you. He can change things if he wants to. All you'll be doing is putting into action what he's half assed doing, and that's ending the relationship. The only potential way for him to realize that he's hurting you is by not having contact with him anymore. Until you do that, he'll assume everything is fine. That you are fine with how things are. No matter what you say.. as long as your actions point toward acceptance, then he'll assume what he's doing is acceptable.

 

I think you'd be better off delaying making a decision for the time being. Maybe ask your ex not to call during that period of time if you feel he will. Then take that time with your family to relearn what "happy" is. Don't spend all your time thinking on this... and if you do think about it, weigh out what you want in life, and how best to achieve that. Take a few minutes to imagine your life as successful, with a healthy happy relationship, and what type of person you can see filling the role of partner. Then strive for that goal. I've learned that if I can visualize what I really want in life, then problems become more clear. Its not as scary to take the steps I need to in order to achieve that goal. But I have to have some kind of idea of what I really want most. Not just "I want him", but what qualities I need in a partner, what type of life I want for myself. Then I can be more objective in my decision making because I know I'm going after what will make my life the best it can be.

 

I feel so sad for you. I don't understand how a guy can be so cruel. Especially to you. You have such a huge heart, and a great mind. He's an idiot for treating you so badly. He's been given the world, and he takes you for granted. he doesn't deserve you.

[insomnie]

Well, I told him not to contact me anymore.

 

He seemed to understand after I explained to him why, but asked when he could call me again. I told him I'd call him when I felt ready. He agreed.

 

I was prepared to feel sad or disappointed because I knew he wouldn't argue, but actually I felt relieved. I guess it's because this time I wasn't expecting him to in the least. This time I know this break is for real, and it isn't in order to get him back or to make him miss me. I don't have any hope left in that. Now I just want to get over it.

 

Step 2: Stop checking a forum he frequents and his facebook every three seconds to see what's happening between him and that girl.