whats the next step

[divalannie]

hey guys

i also posted this in the long distance relationship section but what to find out other opinions

this is going to be long but i hope some one will give me some sought of advice please. i have been with my BF for 2.5years and have been in LDR for about 7 months, he lives in South Africa and i live in the UK. very long distance. i went to go and visit him for a while and during my time there he made up a story about him and his exgirlfriend. when i was there i noticed she called him alot about 3-4 times in a day and they would talk for about 15mins every time this happened through out the week.

 

i confronted him but he said nothing, then when she came round to see him i got into a tantrum cause she was there, i felt hurt cause he paid her more attention. he was about to walk her home when i stopped him and pulled him back, when i went out about 10 mins later to clear my head she was waiting for him, i asked her what was going on and she told me they had been seeing each other and he slept with her and that he told her i was not with him anymore, that we broke up before he left for South africa. but here is the catch this was the first time she came by in the five weeks that i was there, and also i thought if she really thought we broke up why would i have travelled all the way to South Africa to visit him because i am sure she knew i was there before she even came by. when he came out to find us, i asked him and he said it was all true. i shouted at him and she walked off and instead of comforting me he went off with her.

 

i then went to go and stay with my aunt for two weeks and went back to see him he then told me it was a story they made up so that when i came back to the UK i would move on with my life and not worry so much about him because the first couple of months we were apart were hard for me and i called him constantly. i forgave him but over the last weeks i was with him he seemed to spend more time with her and still talk to her and i found a couple of msgs they sent to each other telling her he loves her and she loves him, they also made a few sexual references i asked him why he would say that kind of stuff to her if he doesnt mean it he said he was just flirting with her and meant nothing by it. also the one day was our anniversary and also the same day was her birthday instead of spending the evening with me he spent it with her. when i asked him why he just said it was her birthday.

 

i love him so much so and forgave him again but we constantly fought about it before i left to return to the UK. i have major trust issues with him ever since we started going out with him i knw that i should not assume he will cheat on me like every other guy i have been out with has but i do but i cant seem to understand why if he really loved me that much he would do such a hurtful thing to me but still after ward tell me he loves me.

 

since i have been back in the UK i have tried to not be so possesive of him and given him his space we chat often and talk on the phone bout 3 times a week. he has apologised about what happened when i was there, and says he feels terrible for hurting me like that and he seems to say alot of sweet stuff to me. the problem i have is i am so hurt by it that i cant stop thinking about it that day is so vivid in my mind, he still keeps in contact with but he tells me not as much as before he also says that the flirting has stopped.

 

what i need to knw is how do i trust him and get over what has happened how do i believe he does really mean he is sorry and he loves me? i still love him so much and dont want to break up with him but i feel if i cant get over this we will end up breaking up how do i begin to deal with this? oh and when i spoke to his ex before i left she told me to just leave because he we would never live together again in the same country and i must forget about him. do i walk or give him a chance

[whichwayisup]

He has cheated on you with his exgirlfriend, and her reaction, throwing a fit while you were there proves it. And the way he is lying to you about certain things.

 

Time will tell to see if he's really sorry and worth trusting again...And is it worth keeping a LDR? I don't see how you could fully gain your trust in him with the distance between you two.

 

What are you willing to put up with? And for how long?

[Guest]

All I can say is, Are you stupid? Get the hell away from this guy and never look back, unless you want a life time of pain! Mark my words you will look back and ask yourself why you didn't cut all contact with this loser.

 

No one should have to put up with this kind of crap!! Why dont you find yourself a nice guy, ohh say..IN THE SAME COUNTRY that you are in!!

[Krytellan]

I have to echo the guest here. Exactly how much disrespect must a man show you before you are convinced that the situation is not for you? He is sorry and writing sexual messages to her and it's "just flirting"??? Oh, come on!

 

Sorry to sound rude. I just see a lot of this rationalizing going on all around this site and at times it just amazes me what people are able to convince themselves of.

 

Though considered complex, humans are very simple when it comes to attraction. That is to say, when we are attracted (read: interested in someone), we tend to utilize very simple behavior to show this. We flirt, we kiss, we laugh, we touch, and we show interest/compassion/respect. The notion of someone being interested in someone else without at least 3 of these aspects being shown just does not exist. It just isn't so.

 

A relationship with someone that, umm, I don't know... respects you should be ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. Why do we insist on having relationships with people that do not show us respect? Lack of respect equals absolute lack of love. In cases where this may not be true, it should be for the person not receiving it. The more painful a relationship is to us, the more we really need to consider finding a new one.

 

So I ask you again. How much pain do you really need to feel before you're convinced that this one is crap? I have no doubt there is plenty of pain left in this relationship if you want it.

[pureinheart]

I have to echo the guest here. Exactly how much disrespect must a man show you before you are convinced that the situation is not for you? He is sorry and writing sexual messages to her and it's "just flirting"??? Oh, come on!

 

Sorry to sound rude. I just see a lot of this rationalizing going on all around this site and at times it just amazes me what people are able to convince themselves of.

 

Though considered complex, humans are very simple when it comes to attraction. That is to say, when we are attracted (read: interested in someone), we tend to utilize very simple behavior to show this. We flirt, we kiss, we laugh, we touch, and we show interest/compassion/respect. The notion of someone being interested in someone else without at least 3 of these aspects being shown just does not exist. It just isn't so.

 

A relationship with someone that, umm, I don't know... respects you should be ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. Why do we insist on having relationships with people that do not show us respect? Lack of respect equals absolute lack of love. In cases where this may not be true, it should be for the person not receiving it. The more painful a relationship is to us, the more we really need to consider finding a new one.

 

So I ask you again. How much pain do you really need to feel before you're convinced that this one is crap? I have no doubt there is plenty of pain left in this relationship if you want it.

 

I totally agree, and your post is very well said....my heart goes out to those in this forum....they type the words and the answer is there in black and white....the abuse and disrespect is sooooo obvious....

 

Krytellan, I keep a journal/diary, have done this since 13 yrs of age....a couple of the REALLY bad relationships, I went back in the journal to the very first encounter/date....OMG Both times I had written, in detail no less, that these people were messed up....and yet I still went for it!!!!!!!!!!

 

I gave them my heart knowing what the truth was, and semi chased them on top of it....now realizing, I was their "trophy" so to speak....it's not fun being someones "catch".

 

Hey, I read your post on the money thing....I understand completely...mine is different, I made really good money, then got laid off....now am making half. I'm trying to overcome the fact that I feel less of a person, that money doesnot make who I am....it could get worse for me in the financial area as I am getting laid off from this job also....my manager bought me some time, but who knows how long that will last....I am REALLY hoping God has a miracle out there....God bless and take care....