My insecurity ruined my second chance...

[D-Lish]

agreed... she's not treating you well.

Why do you have to be the nice guy all the time?

Take a stand here.

Not commenting on her b-day will have more of an impact than you realize.

D

[perspektiv]

I've seriously never felt worse in my entire life.

 

I just got off the phone with her. I started talking about the relationship. I know I shouldn't have, but if I didn't I was going to explode. It came out that she knows that she can't be in this relationship once she goes back to school, which is right after we come back from the trip. She is content knowing that. It doesn't seem to phase her at all. Shes ok just "enjoying our time together" right now, and doesn't want to speak of anything else.

 

I told her that if we are just going to spend this time together right now, that I still don't think we should be hooking up with other people. I wanted to keep it somewhat special still. I think it would be messed up if we were sleeping around but still telling each other we love one another.

 

She told me that shes not sleeping around. She said that its not the thought of me that makes her stay away from it, but it just doesn't feel right to her. I told her that I don't buy that, and she said "we're not talking anymore" and hung up on me.

 

Truthfully, I don't trust her at all. I know shes been hanging around with this one guy, and I wouldn't doubt she has slept with him. I've never met someone so cold, so deceptive, so evil. Its like I see right through her but when I call her out on it she freaks. I know its not all my insecurity. Things don't add up at all.

 

I guess I'm still unresolved. I mean, she did tell me that we aren't speaking, but I know her. She will probably call at some point. I don't know what to do from here. You are all probably going to tell me to go NC again. I probably should. My life would be much simpler once I got through this. Its just the fact of never talking to her again that kills me. Somebody shoot me please.....

[D-Lish]

I think it's her age showing again, unfortunately.

Yeah, the best thing for you to do is to cut off ties with her, consider yourself apart for the time being.

 

I remember where I was at when I was 22, I was all over the place in terms of what I wanted and where my life was heading.

 

You deserve to be in a relationship with a girl who can offer you more stability. She obviously can't be that girl right now. She's being so unfair to you at the moment.

 

Pressuring her about the relationship is going to push her further away. But if you have contact with her- you're going to be tempted to pressure. That is why it truly would be best for you to cut the cord.

 

If you suspect she's sleeping with someone- could you take her on the trip with your family?

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Try the NC for a while and see how that goes for you. I wouldn't even return her call if she does try and reach out to you in a few days. It's time for you to take a stand, show her you won't put up with this behaviour.

D

[perspektiv]

So the idiot in me shines again.

 

She did call back an hour or so later and my dumb ass picked it up. She apologized for fighting and hanging up etc... and then it felt like we were on good terms again.

 

She called me around 7:30 again to talk for a bit before she went out. She was going out with some people, and that one guy being one of them. Maybe I'm making things up in my head about that situation because she denies it up and down, but my gut tells me otherwise.

 

Anyways, she said to make sure I keep my phone on me even if I go out because she wanted to call me later last night. I did that. She didn't call. Now...I'm sure she will call today with some vague story explaining everything. I know you all must think I'm crazy that I haven't blown her off yet, but you all understand that it is hard.

 

If I simply don't answer today, It feels like a cop out to just telling her straight out that I can't deal with it anymore. Can someone tell me which would be better? Actually answering and confronting her and ending things, or just blowing her off NC? I hurt all night and didn't sleep much at all, and on top of that I'm missing work today because when I am there I am a complete zombie...

[notmakingsense]

You really need some serious help here. This situation is so out of balance, it isn't even funny. You absolutely must start showing more strength, or this situation will continue indefinately. She's either treating you as a friend, completely unaware how her actions are hurting you, or she's sick and twisted, trying to rub her independance in your face. Either way, you can't handle it, and you are continually ignoring our advice to try to move on.

 

Make this your new-year's resolution. Yes, I would call her. No big, emotional talks.... Even if you don't completely believe this in your heart, tell her that you have realized that you and her are not meant to be bf/gf, that perhaps you can be friends in the future, but it isn't working for you right now because you still have deep feelings for her. You have decided to take a long break from contact to clear your head and focus on other things.

 

Period. No long, drawn-out discussions. She needs to hang up that phone thinking you are strong, calm, cool, and collected. Not some wimpering-ass heartbroken little boy.

 

I'll get lots of disagreements on this, but I think that if she doesn't answer, leaving her a voice-message or e-mail is fine. This is because whenever you guys do talk, you end up screwing-up and not being strong -- so this might be better for you.

 

After the interaction. No contact. Delete her number from your cell phone, and entries in your IM. Don't even consider contact again.

[perspektiv]

Thats the messed up part. I don't think shes doing anything intentional. I think she sees it as OK, and has no idea how it is impacting me. When I approach her about it, she shoots down everything I say and makes me seem like I'm crazy.

 

I've been through a few LTR's that ended, and nothing has been like this. I don't have trouble finding girls, etc. this girl has just completely weakened me and its almost like she gets off on it.

 

She still hasn't called me yet today. Honestly I don't want to talk to her at all. I want nothing more than to completely blow her off and push her out of my life. Screw this trip. She has proven to me lately that she is not the person I once thought she was.

 

Actually scratch that....when I met her I knew she had a reputation as a cheater, a girl that slept around a lot, etc. I even thought I was nuts to be persuing something with her. The more I got to know her though, she came off the exact opposite of that. I never questioned anything when she was with me. Now I take that all back.

 

I should have realized all of this earlier. I mean, I don't have proof of her cheating. I only have my gut feeling. I WANT to trust my gut, but my gut says that she is screwing around. I can't accuse her. I just wish I was a fly on the wall sometimes. Damn this is hard...

[perspektiv]

So she finally called me at 11:00pm tonight. First I got a text from her from some random cell number. No idea who's. Apparently she had been drinking and doing drugs last night! Now I know she has in her past but since we were together she talked down about her freinds that did drugs. She said she felt sick and would call me later and get this...that "she loved me" lol.

 

When she first called I ignored it. Then she called back again around 11:15. I picked up, and didn't say much. She asked if I was mad. All i said was, "the only reason I even answered my phone was to tell you that I want nothing to do with you anymore. I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you."

She asked why and I just said because she doesn't understand what her actions and words do to me, nor does she care. She said in a giggly voice, "ok, have a good new years, byyyyeeeee".

 

Its amazing that I was so caught up in this girl. I would have done anything to keep us together. The true person shined through at the end, and I feel as though I've wasted so much time and energy for nothing. Its something I should have seen at the beginning.

 

I feel horrible right now. I know this is the right thing, but it just seems she doesn't care at all. I have no idea if she will attempt to call anymore after that, but I know I can't answer. I need to move on for real this time. Let this thread be a place to look for those wanting their significant others back. Its not all its cracked up to be. Hopefully you won't have to go through what I have....

[notmakingsense]

Chin up Perspektiv -- many of us have had to learn this the hard way -- so we understand what you are going through. Just keep reminding yourself that you deserve much better. Much, much better.

[perspektiv]

man... Even though I know I am probably doing the right thing, I feel terrible. I just keep thinking about new years which we were supposed to spend together, and the trip.

 

I feel like I am throwing it away, but I do know it is her actions that pushed me to do this. The problem is, she doesn't realize that. She thinks I am crazy, and shes probably sitting around thinking that to herself. She hasn't a clue as to how she made me feel, and she didn't care at all.

 

I'm afraid that she will hold this against ME forever since she doesn't see herself being wrong at all. Why should I even care?? Well, I would have liked to at least be friends in the future, but with me cutting this off now, I don't know if that will ever be. That hurts I guess. Hopefully its temporary.

 

For awhile today I felt really good, especially when I thought about all the ways she has hurt me recently. Then the pain of letting everything go sets in. I mean, the trip was so close. Maybe I was wrong to do that and I should have just sucked it up. I know...I'm beating myself up for nothing. I know this is right. I guess doing the right thing hurts sometimes.

 

Part of me wants to go out and meet new women, but part of me that knows that I'm not ready to really be with anyone. The other part of me just wants to sit on the couch and feel and deal with the pain. Honestly, thats probably the best option. I don't want to put a band aid (rebound relationship) over it. I want to get over it...

[notmakingsense]

You are doing the right thing. I've been where you are, and I understand. I cancelled a trip with an ex who was treating me badly. Even though I know it would have been a fun trip, I knew deep down that it would not change her behavior towards me. That was an epiphany for me, a decision not to waste any more time, money, or emotions on someone who treated me so badly.

 

Regarding what to do now? I think you should go date. Just be honest with the women that you aren't looking for anything serious. It will help!

[D-Lish]

P,

 

She's a little girl playing little girl games.

You don't deserve to be on the receiving end of her cruelty.

 

I suspect she is purposely sabotaging the relationship because she is confused, and is probably hoping you release her from the obligation of the trip so she doesn't have to be "the bad guy" in this situation.

 

Looks like you'll have to eat the financial loss of the trip- but it's better than spending an unhappy week away with her.

 

She's got a lot of growing up to do. You'll feel so much better if you cut off contact with her and move on.

She sounds like a real piece of work.

 

The sooner you stop talking to her, the sooner you can begin to heal. Don't take her calls or return her e-mails- she doesn't deserve an ounce of your attention right now.

Chin up,

D

[perspektiv]

Thanks again for your responses guys...

 

D- I do feel like the bad guy. I cut off everything for us, and I do feel really bad about that. I don't know if she will even attempt to contact me in any way. A part of me hopes she does, but why?? I know I shouldn't talk to her. I just wanted to end on more civil terms.

 

I feel better when I think of the bad parts, and how it just simply won't work right now. Unfortunately all I can think of are the good times, and sitting around my apartment this saturday morning, my head is spinning. I don't know if she will call me tomorrow for new years, but shouldn't I be a stand up person and wish her one too?? I dunno...I'm so confused right now. Think I'll hit up the gym...

[notmakingsense]

I don't know if she will call me tomorrow for new years, but shouldn't I be a stand up person and wish her one too?? I dunno...I'm so confused right now. Think I'll hit up the gym...

 

Don't answer your phone tomorrow night. You should be out and busy. The gym is a good idea!

[D-Lish]

No, I wouldn't wish her a happy new year. That's exactly what she expects you to do- that would be the predictable thing for you to do, right? The more you make small gestures like that, the more you show her how vulnerable you are to her. you don't want her to know that.

 

It's time to do something unpredictable- that's what will have impact. After the way she's been treating you, if you call her to say happy new year, you're just reinforcing that she can be mean and you'll still be available to her. Does that make sense?

 

I'd play hard ball with her and become the rejector.

And don't answer the phone if she calls- every time you talk to her she makes you feel worse. Besides, you want to make her wonder where you are and what you are doing for a change.

[perspektiv]

Well, new years came and went. I didn't expect to hear from her, and I wasn't about to call her either. I have to say, my stress level is so much lower without her around. I do have some feelings I'm trying to sort out though.

 

First off, I miss her. I guess thats easily explainable though. On the other hand I feel somewhat guilty for shutting it down like I did. I mean, yes, she treated me with no emotion or respect, but in all of this I lost her as a friend. I guess I just have hope for a friendship with her in the future. Maybe that will be too much to ask. I can't stop thinking that it will never be though. Thats what bothers me.

 

Thats it really. I'm moving on in every way possible. I could never be with her again. She proved to be someone that I thought she wasn't. Wether she realizes it or not, or if she even cares, she hurt me bad. I am still going through moments where I want to call her, but something has changed now. When I think about talking to her, I realize that I really don't have anything to say to her. It makes it easier not to call...