Totally lost....

[mustangsally]

Well, let me just say I've resorted to posting here and I feel like a total idiot.

 

Its hard to know what to say or begin to describe my problem.

 

I never had a boyfriend until I got to college. I dated around, but I just mostly assumed guys weren't interested in me because...well they weren't. They always said I was hot and smart (to my face and behind my back and it got to me) but they were always much more interested in my friends. I don't know if its because I didn't put out or what.

 

I finally met someone halfway through college...but to make a long story short he dumped me....we were first loves, blah blah blah and I know he genuinely DID love me at the time. He asked that we remain friends and I said okay and first and then shied away. Then after a while I decided I was ready. At that point he told me he was not ready and said he was sorry, but he wanted to be friends with me, he just needed time. Time turned into 6 months to a year to two years. We still are not friends and he is still awkward around me. He's had girlfriends he's dated and broken up with since me, and he still hangs out with all of them (as in going to movies, hanging out, etc....not sex buddies, they're just all good friends still). Before I left the school he went to, he said he used to be very much in love with me, but he didn't forsee himself being able to sustain friendship and it wasn't my fault. I asked why i was the only ex he couldn't keep a friendship with and he didn't respond to the question.

 

That whole situation made me feel like utter crap. I dated around and dated someone for a couple of months, who turned out to be totally stupid.

 

Now its been at least 1.5 years since I've even kissed anyone. I get really frustrated, emotionally and sexually. I am able to make friends so easily and sometimes I want to just have a casual sex relationship, but I don't even know how to go about it.

 

One of my friends here told one of our other friends he thought I was gorgeous and it caught me off guard. He has a girlfriend, but would cheat on her, and I thought about hooking up with him, but decided that would be a terribly selfish thing for me to do just because he's attractive and I'm doubting myself.

 

But now I feel stuck in a rut. I haven't met anyone I've felt any chemistry with since my ex. I don't really judge people by my ex at all because my ideas of who I want have changed, and while his reluctance to be friends with me still hurts me deeply, I DO want to be with someone who is different as I'm in a totally different stage of life....I just haven't felt any sort of chemistry with any guys since...and I'm a firm believer of friends before dating. I have plenty of male friends, but none I'm incredibly attracted to.

 

I'm moving to a new city and I kind of want to take it by the horns and find someone...but not just anyone and I don't want to be desperate. I've gone to bars and all I've met were horndogs and losers. I did the online dating thing once and I met some people who seemed promising and ended up being really stupid and losers.....not to mention desperate.

 

The thing is I'm lonely, but not desperate.

 

Sometimes I forsee myself being alone forever because I don't know how not to be. I'm so skeptical about love now because of the way my ex treated me....and it makes me nervous that someone else could just treat me like trash again while the rest of the world adores him and he wins....even if he seems charming and wonderful at the beginning.

 

How do I get over these feelings of resentment? And how do I let my guard down enough to let men know I'm attracted to them if I am?!!! Usually I assume I have no chance so I don't even try...I really am afraid of getting hurt again.

 

But I don't want to be alone forever!

[mustangsally]

so no one's got anything? right.

[IpAncA]

Gezz..your situation is like sort of looking in a mirror.

 

My last boyfriend before I met my H was like that. He could remain friends with all his other ex's but not me. We actually drifted apart (my fault) but what made it hard for me to get over him was the fact that were I went, so did he. We actually went to college together and it seemed like he was a stalker because I seen him EVERYWHERE and I do mean that. He even lived in the same dorm as me and both his and my parents were friends so they remained in contact.

 

It was so hard for me to get over him but once I did move away for graduate school he didn't follow me for the first time. Thank goodness and I was able to get over him.

 

I think that you just need to stop going to bars, get involved in other things that have decent SINGLE guys around and go from there. Please don't be messing with guys that are taken. You don't want to go down the road believe me.

 

Also you need to get over the fact that what he did to you is not every guy and that he is not coming back to you. Just because he treated you the way he did, doesn't mean the second or third or forth guy will. I know that it's hard but in time you will get over him and seeing how this is your first real boyfriend, I can understand where your coming from because that guy I was talking about was mine too. Your still emotionally connected to him in time you will get over him.

 

You need to at least try because if you don't then you will be alone for a while.

 

Cheer up you'll be fine have for right now just have fun because when the time is right, the right guy will come along and you'll be glad that your no longer with your ex.

[mustangsally]

Well, that's sort of dumb advice because the issue isn't about glorifying and comparing my ex to others, still being in love with him or even thinking he's coming back. Its just really frustrating that when I explain this situation, people think that it means I still want him....I don't get why people can't understand people can deeply hurt you for years and that doesn't mean you're wanting them back...it means its affecting the way you can put trust in other people.

 

And I don't know how to fix it.

[IpAncA]

Well, that's sort of dumb advice because the issue isn't about glorifying and comparing my ex to others, still being in love with him or even thinking he's coming back. Its just really frustrating that when I explain this situation, people think that it means I still want him....I don't get why people can't understand people can deeply hurt you for years and that doesn't mean you're wanting them back...it means its affecting the way you can put trust in other people.

 

And I don't know how to fix it.

 

It's not dumb advice. You need to be more clear as to what your asking because it did sound like you were still hung up on this guy.

 

And yes I know it's affecting you and you said that you don't want him back. Ok but that expereince you had affected you like you said and you do need to realize that he isn't like every other guy out there. There is a reason why it has affected you.

 

What is it that's holding you back from a realtionship?

[mustangsally]

he basically ravaged my self-esteem and now i'm convinced I'm not good enough for someone to remain in love with...if someone who loved me so intensely can surround me (he also transferred to my college and acted similarly to your ex) and make friends with all of my friends yet barely act like I exist after the fact makes me feel a little ****ty. And it wasn't my fault we lost touch, he purposely said he wanted to. And it hurts and I'm convinced I'm not good enough for anyone.

 

I'm just really, really sick of people not seeing how that is different from wanting someone back or wishing we were still together. Why would I want to be with someone who treated me like ****?

 

That's what frustrates me. I'm sick of being hurt by him and people claiming its because I'm not over him. I think there's a total difference.

 

If your best friend did that to you, wouldn't you still be hurt even if you don't want to be their friend again?

[IpAncA]

he basically ravaged my self-esteem and now i'm convinced I'm not good enough for someone to remain in love with...if someone who loved me so intensely can surround me (he also transferred to my college and acted similarly to your ex) and make friends with all of my friends yet barely act like I exist after the fact makes me feel a little ****ty. And it wasn't my fault we lost touch, he purposely said he wanted to. And it hurts and I'm convinced I'm not good enough for anyone.

 

I'm just really, really sick of people not seeing how that is different from wanting someone back or wishing we were still together. Why would I want to be with someone who treated me like ****?

 

That's what frustrates me. I'm sick of being hurt by him and people claiming its because I'm not over him. I think there's a total difference.

 

If your best friend did that to you, wouldn't you still be hurt even if you don't want to be their friend again?

 

Ok I understand what your saying. That was the same thing that happend to me in a round about way. Trust me it hurt a lot except he turned some of my friends against me.

 

But I realized that he was an A** and not every guy is like that. Their really not.

 

Since your moving to another town, it's a good time to forget the past and start fresh. Get involved in places that have decent men and stop going to the bars to look for people.

 

What happend to you was a bad experience and some people in this world are just idiots. You deserve way better and you do deserve someone, you truly do. You just have to find him which I know can be hard.

[nancyleeh]

I'll give this a try and see if this is where your coming from. He hurt you and now you think you can't trust other guys. You know that lots of women have been hurt and disappointed and have had trust issues at one time or another. What your ex's reasoning was to make him unwilling to get back with you or stay friends tells you he wasn't right for you and you can be glad he went on his merry way. If you want to get back in the field how about easing into it, go out with friends and go to social gatherings or join clubs or organizations with the attitude that you want to have a good time and meet new people for the sake of meeting and enjoying them rather than caring if you hook up with anyone or not. That takes the pressure off you and should put you in a more relaxed state since you won't be pressuring yourself or anyone else. There are lots of places to go and places to join in with mixed groups and who knows, maybe that special someone is out there and you will click and you are on your way to having a good realtionship. We never know what the future brings us including betrayal but it's worth stepping out and taking another chance on love. I hope you can put the past on a back burner and trust in yourself.

 

nancyleeh

[Love Hurts]

Mustang Sally..

There is a ratio of three females to every one male.

That’s sad to start with.

Next consider of the males available for the females.

A percentage of males end up in jail.

A percentage chooses to be gay.

A percentage is on drugs or alcoholic.

A percentage desire to be alone.

A percentage is not marriage material (they are players, liars, cheats, mentally impaired, unhealthy or just not.?.)

A percentage dies premature deaths.

Now out of that we end up with the few men available

that are what a female may consider a good man.

A man that is marriage material, a good worker and

and a would be good father.

What are the chances of getting him?

It’s like hitting the lottery to find a good man.

The odds are against it to start with… and the hits just keep on coming….. Because- once you find him… you have to be attracted to him. If the chemistry isn’t there……. He is not the one for you.

In the end all I can say for support of your situation… is learn how to be alone. Accept what is and what is not.

You could get lucky… you may be one of the few… that will actually find true love… in a relationship with a man that you respect admire and just find very attractive in every way.

Sounds like a dream. Until then…. The most difficult thing you will do………..is the time… time alone.. Just keeping on… doing the every day things. Don’t give up hope. Hope is a good thing. Get a new hobby and stay busy. When your mind is busy… you have less time to think about yourself.

I know couples that got married … just because they didn’t want to be lonely……..and tried to make the best of life together. None of them made it to the seventeen year mark. One made it only sixty days. (Perhaps some of these relationships work? Personally, I’d rather not go there. It signifies settling for sub par when prime choice isn’t available and one thinks time is running out)

Life is messy….. so many of us want what just doesn’t seem possible… or is it?

Take care…. Best wishes.