BW's&BH's why did you stay?

[kymberann]

Not sure if this has been a topic of discussion and don't know if this will add to any controversy, but I have a question that I wanted to get a consesnsus about.

After finding out about your spouse's affair. What made you decide to stay? What measures did you take to improve/change the marriage. What reparitions were made? Why stay?

 

As a BS as soon as I found out, I was outta there. No reason to want to even work on the marriage. It was just one thing to convince me that I needed to leave.

 

The reason I am asking is because now I am struggling with OW issues. I guess I just assumed MM would leave, or W would leave because I did. I know, generalizations in such situations hardly validate what i did or was thinkingand i can't apply what happened to me in the past to what is happening now. I am just curious.

 

Thanks!

[GirlFromOz]

After finding out about your spouse's affair. What made you decide to stay? What measures did you take to improve/change the marriage. What reparitions were made? Why stay?

 

Hi Kymberann,

So many things were racing through my head as I was reading your post that I don't really know where to start!

 

I stayed for so many reasons. The first & foremost being that I loved him. After finding out about his lies & betrayals, that love was battered around a bit (a lot) but it was still there. I also stayed because I am a believer in the institution of marriage. By that I don't just mean that you stay because you are married, but that the whole process of making your marriage work, especially working through the tough times, makes you a better, stronger couple and a better, stronger, wiser person with more to offer the world. When I said my marriage vows, I meant every word of them & I feel that it is my duty to myself, my husband, my children & to society to uphold them.

 

Also, even though I didn't stay "for the children", I did think about the effect that the inevitable tension etc would have on them while we were working through things. In the end, I felt that we had a happy home, both before & during the affair, and that staying together was not going to harm them in any way.

 

If I am going to be completely honest with you then I have to mention a few other reasons here. I am a fairly competitive person & I didn't like the idea of the OW "winning" him, as I felt he would probably just run straight to her if I left. Also, I had a lot to lose, financially. I had just left my very well paying job to stay at home & look after my children for a few years (I resigned a month before finding out about the affair, with my H's full support!) and I liked the lifestyle that I had become accustomed to. These things were not as important as the initial things I mentioned though, they were secondary.

 

I have a question for you though. If you were so outraged when you found out about your H having an affair that you left immediately, why on earth would you find yourself a MM & then want him to leave his W for you? Isn't your MM just as bad as your H? Why leave one man because he cheated but reward another man for cheating???

[NoIDidn't]

Love, history, family ties (that include inlaws and children) and finances. I see nothing wrong with admitting that you have acquired a lifestyle that you would like to keep. The lifestyle we have was started by ME, but now it is maintained by him.

 

But seriously, I love him. Like I have never loved any man before. The M had/has its problems but nothing so bad that I was ready or willing to walk away from a good fight. I believe in our vows and in the love we share together. Another woman can show him a newer love, but she can't give him what he really wants: our love. The love we built together.

 

I will say that I never saw it as a competition with the OW. I always knew what I had to offer him, and if he didn't want it - that was on him. I figured that if he went looking elsewhere, then apparently, he was willing to lose me. But I certainly understand the competition aspect. She is younger and <snicker> firmer than I am so. Yeah, that certainly did nothing to make me feel secure.

 

But there it is: love, history, a beautiful and strong family, and we are really good together.

[Guest]

Some women are too dependent to leave. You got out because you could afford it. Would you have done so if you have $$$$$ medical bills? were in wheel chair? no job or low income? These are just some common cases when a wife just wants to keep a dead marriage even when she knows all the affairs: they DON'T CARE.

[kymberann]

Hi you two. Thank you for your honest and open replies. I really appreciate the perspective. I do get it, especially the history part.

 

As for my situation, my first H was abusive, he was into drugs and into a life style I had out grown. I was raising my first baby and I wanted to do it right. I didn't want to be in an abusive M anymore so I left when I found out about his A. It made it all that easier to leave him. I certainly grieved the M and i certainly had issues as to why he cheated. I worked through them though, and it isn't something I regret happening, it changed me in many ways.

 

Girl from Oz. That's a valid question:

why on earth would you find yourself a MM & then want him to leave his W for you? Isn't your MM just as bad as your H? Why leave one man because he cheated but reward another man for cheating???

 

I didn't intend to "find myself a MM" It just happened. I had known him for sometime before anything was initiated. Kept my feelings to myself, but had a hunch he felt the same way. I never intended to divulge my feelings because I knew he was married, but then, once he did and it was all out in the open, it was relief to finally say and be validated by what I was thinking and wanting to say.

Yes MM is just as bad as the ex, perhaps even more so, becaue now he won't take accountability and continues to hide it from his W. Even after he said he had intentions to leave. That's what really bothers me, is that he had intentions, never followed through and is now denying it, even though W has suspiscions. But that's a long story! I hope that answers your question. I did get swept away in the moment, I did get caught up and when that happens, although not an excuse it is hard to see the hills for the trees when someone tells you they feel the same way you feel about them.

[Guest]

a question for NoIDidn't and others, men and women alike:

 

"History" without (or little) Love, or

Love without (or little) "History",

 

which one would you choose if you are met with the conflict?

[karenin]

History" without (or little) Love, or

Love without (or little) "History

 

 

 

Love without history - without a doubt!!!

[Catharsis]

Personally I have never been cheated on by my H, but I do have my own suspicions why some BW/BH won't leave: low self-esteem and the fear of being alone. That is exactly why my exMM's W would NEVER leave him even if she knew what a liar/cheater he is. She tells him all the time that he means "the absolute world" to her and how her life would be over without him. She has no other options (in her mind) other than him, her entire world revolves around him.

 

Personally, I have been cheated on before by former BFs, and I NEVER took them back after I found out - even the one I lived with for three years just before I met exMM in college. I was hurt as heck, but I am too good for that - plus I knew that I could always find someone else again. I know it's more complicated with kids and having built a life together, but it's also much more insulting to be cheated on after all that time together. If you let them get away with it once, you lose all credibility and they'll do it again. I am sure of it.

[GirlFromOz]

Personally I have never been cheated on by my H, but I do have my own suspicions why some BW/BH won't leave: low self-esteem and the fear of being alone.

 

To be honest, I think this is laughable coming from an OW and I actually thought at first that you were trying to be funny!

 

Many BS probably do have self-esteem issues, as do lots of people in our society. However, I feel that there is no bigger example of low self-esteem than having a relationship with someone who is already with someone else, especially if the WH does not leave his wife immediately. Why put up with that unless YOU are afraid of being alone? When you have never said any marriage vows & never had children with someone, why stay?

 

If I had a boyfriend cheat on me, I would have left quick smart, as you did - we definitly agree on that. Being married is different, very different & when you have children, you will always be in each others lives, regardless. You can't just walk away & pretend that they never existed.

 

But if you feel that your self-esteem is so strong & that you don't have a fear of being alone, then why did you stay with your MM? I mean, he may have been cheating on his wife by being with you, but he was also cheating on you by still being with his wife. So your arguments could just as easily be redirected back at yourself.

[Guest]

My MM enjoys having his ego satisfied, saving his W out of desperation when she finds out his affairs with OWs. His W pretends to be an ex-OW of his, sending emails to him and me, calling us names, and even sent emails to their grown-up kids, telling them about their father's affair. She has history of keeping him out of troubles from ex-OWs in his life. Yes she is totally financially dependent on him but that does not explain the reason why she choose to live in his H's infidelity for 26 years. They both enjoy the feeling of successfully "saving" their marriage during turbulent times and the feeling of "growing stronger marriage bonds" after the affairs end. And yes their marriage is unbreakable but the marriage vows have been broken already and she lives in distrust, extreme emotional turmoil, and in the fear of his constant affairs... for as long as they are together.

[frannie]

 

To be honest, I think this is laughable coming from an OW and I actually thought at first that you were trying to be funny!

 

Many BS probably do have self-esteem issues, as do lots of people in our society. However, I feel that there is no bigger example of low self-esteem than having a relationship with someone who is already with someone else, especially if the WH does not leave his wife immediately. Why put up with that unless YOU are afraid of being alone? When you have never said any marriage vows & never had children with someone, why stay?

 

If I had a boyfriend cheat on me, I would have left quick smart, as you did - we definitly agree on that. Being married is different, very different & when you have children, you will always be in each others lives, regardless. You can't just walk away & pretend that they never existed.

 

But if you feel that your self-esteem is so strong & that you don't have a fear of being alone, then why did you stay with your MM? I mean, he may have been cheating on his wife by being with you, but he was also cheating on you by still being with his wife. So your arguments could just as easily be redirected back at yourself.

 

I don't think self-esteem is necessarily a factor for either the OW or the BS. It can be, in either case, but isn't a given.

 

I did want to respond to a couple of things in this message, even though it's something of a T/J.

 

 

Why put up with being an OW if he doesn't leave immediately?

 

I don't feel that self-esteem has anything to do with this necessarily. I think that a lot of your points depend upon putting marriage first and foremost, and seeing other relationships as somehow lesser (just a general impression). Contrary to that, I see my relationship with MM as being something valuable and fulfilling, while I look at what he has with his W... well, they're married, but he doesn't have the same level of relationship with her... there's no longer any love, no honesty, no communication, and no desire to be with her. Plus he treats me really well. Of course I'm just talking about my situation here, and can't speak for other OW.

 

Why stay with someone if you haven't made vows with them?

You can't just walk away from a marriage, and especially children.

 

Again I think your question/comment depends on the point of view that marriage is the most important factor, rather than the relationship per se. I'm not suggesting that this view is wrong, simply that holding it leads to making assumptions about other people who don't hold the same views. I would stay with someone out of devotion, love, and the fact that the relationship was working. I would leave if those things weren't there, marriage or not.

 

Is it fear of being alone?

 

Being an OW requires one to be 'alone' at very important times of the year, the week, or whenever. One doesn't have that support and (supposed) security that one does when in a regular relationship with someone. Fear of being alone..? If you feared that, you'd never be an OW.

 

He may have cheated on his wife being with you, but he's cheating on you by being with his wife.

 

If a partner cheated on me he'd be out of my life VERY quickly. Married or not. I simply would not tolerate it. I believe communication, trust, and honesty are basic to a relationship. If MM ever lied to me and I found out about it, it would change the situation completely. That is the essence of 'cheating'... not the fact of being with two people, but LYING about oneself to another.

 

I would never forgive that kind of act from someone I was in a relationship with, because it undermines the entire point of intimacy (for me).

 

So how do I square that with being with someone who is cheating on his wife (a question asked earlier in the thread)? The way I look at it, he has reasons for cheating on her. He's given up on the relationship. Once again I'm talking of My situation, not other people's MM. If my MM were in love with, wanted to make it work with, thought there was any future with, his W... I wouldn't be with him.

 

In summary, for me, it's the relationship that counts. I'm sure I'm the only woman he loves, the one he loves to be with, the one he thinks about. That is what matters to me. The fact he's married to someone else is... something that has to be dealt with... but doesn't affect how I feel about me or him.

 

Not sure that will make a lot of sense to many people, but that is how it is.

[GirlFromOz]

Frannie, you have completely & utterly taken my comments out of context for whatever reason. I wasn't actually intending to make general comments about self-esteem issues - I was directing my remarks specifically & only to Catharthis as a direct response to her comment as per the quote I included in my post.

 

Regardless, I will respond to some of the issues you have bought up (sorry kymberann, I am not trying to hijack your post - I actually think that your question was a great one & I am also very interested in hearing more responses to it).

 

I don't think self-esteem is necessarily a factor for either the

OW

or the

BS

. It can be, in either case, but isn't a given.

I did want to respond to a couple of things in this message, even though it's something of a T/J.

Firstly, I have no idea what a T/J is, so I do not know what kind of tone you are trying to get across. Please feel free to enlighten me! My best guess is thread jack??? If that is the case, as I have already stated I was responding directly to the previous post in the thread.

 

Secondly, I agree that self-esteem is not necessarily a factor for either the OW or the BS. However, I was pointing out that if it is a factor, it is more likely to be the OW who is suffering from it, rather than the betrayed spouse (at least until the BS discovers the A - then her self-esteem will most certainly take a battering).

 

I think that a lot of your points depend upon putting marriage first and foremost, and seeing other relationships as somehow lesser (just a general impression).

Your "general impression" is correct. Of course I see marriage as more important than just being a partner & certainly more important than an affair! It is a commitment that two people choose to make to each other, to show that they are prepared to go through everything in life together. No-one forces anyone to get married, so if you choose to do so, I believe that you are also choosing to work through the tough times rather than bailing or sleeping with someone else.

 

Contrary to that, I see my relationship with

MM

as being something valuable and fulfilling, while I look at what he has with his

W

... well, they're married, but he doesn't have the same level of relationship with her... there's no longer any love, no honesty, no communication, and no desire to be with her. Plus he treats me really well. Of course I'

m

just talking about my situation here, and can't speak for other

OW

.

I just have to smile at this - I am happy for you (and I must admit that I don't know your story) but my idea of being "treated really well" is obviously different to yours. I have to say, that as a MM we all know he is capable of lies & betrayal, so I don't think that we can be certain that what he has told you about his marriage is all correct. No marriage is perfect, by any means, but if it's that bad with his wife & so great with you, then why is he still with her?

 

Being an

OW

requires one to be 'alone' at very important times of the year, the week, or whenever. One doesn't have that support and (supposed) security that one does when in a regular relationship with someone. Fear of being alone..? If you feared that, you'd never be an

OW

.

Again, completely taken out of context. I think we both realise that Catharthis (& me in my reply) was referring to be single when using the word 'alone', not alone, as in spending some time by yourself.

 

If a partner cheated on me he'd be out of my life VERY quickly. Married or not. I simply would not tolerate it. I believe communication, trust, and honesty are basic to a relationship. If

MM

ever lied to me and I found out about it, it would change the situation completely. That is the essence of 'cheating'... not the fact of being with two people, but LYING about oneself to another.

I would never forgive that kind of act from someone I was in a relationship with, because it undermines the entire point of intimacy (for me).

So

how do I square that with being with someone who is cheating on his wife (a question asked earlier in the thread)? The way I look at it, he has reasons for cheating on her. He's given up on the relationship. Once again I'

m

talking of My situation, not other people's

MM

. If my

MM

were in love with, wanted to make it work with, thought there was any future with, his

W

... I wouldn't be with him.

In summary, for me, it's the relationship that counts. I'

m

sure I'

m

the only woman he loves, the one he loves to be with, the one he thinks about. That is what matters to me. The fact he's married to someone else is... something that has to be dealt with... but doesn't affect how I feel about me or him.

This is the thing that I don't get the most about being an OW. You all seem like intelligent, likeable people but MM will lie too & betray his wife & the mother of his children, but he would never do that to you, right? Sorry Frannie, this guy might treat you well while he is with you but he goes back home to someone else every night. Hence, he is cheating on you just as much as he is cheating on his wife. The only difference is, you know about the wife. Yep - it's the relationship that matters.

[Romeo Must Die]

Alot of people think that because the man cheated, naturally the BW/MM should break up. Most are suprised (almost disappointed even) when it doesnt happen that way. There are friends of mine that I know look down on me for taking him back again. Take for example my accountant friend. She married a lawyer and you would think they have it all together, that they are better than me because they seemingly have it all, but they are married to their carrers and lead mostly seperate lives. Her husband is uninteresting and he is not passionate. He's safe.

 

As far as we know, her husband has never cheated on her, but does that really make their marriage more passionate, or more loving than mine? Are they better people than we are because they did not fail?

 

Is there any reason why two people cannot come together (after the worst has happened) and love each other once again?

 

Which man would you choose, a guy like George, the wealthy, unaffectionate lawyer who never cheated, or Romeo, who broke my heart but came back to me. Who squeezes me in his big, strong arms, nuzzles my neck and whispers in my ear that he loves me. Oh my lord, there is no doubt how much I adore him. He is not rich, he struggles paycheck to paycheck, but to me, he is worth his weight in gold. I love him more and more as each day passes. Love grows.

 

Sighs... I made my choice.

 

Romeo and I split up four times becaues of this affair (I left with the kids) but we always came back together because we love each other, we love our kids and we cant live without each other. I am his right arm and he is my left and when we are not together we are only half-functioning people. Its not because I lack self esteem, money, or attention from men. It's not about any of those things. I could be the broken one too, but I know he would still love me despite everything.

 

The love and the physical attraction and the passsion is always there, the xOW cant slip in and replace that. She tried and she failed. She will never know all of our secrets. He lied to her to protect that secret. Now that it is over, she is a relatively small part of our history and a less important one. She wasnt there when he asked me to marry him. She wasnt there when he graduated from the USMC. She wasnt there when Randy died. She has no place in our private lives (cant have everything I guess) and try to keep in mind that I wasn't the one who cheated, so my honor is not in question.

 

I got a hold of a few pages from xOW's diary (lol) and she wrote, "What is this hold RMD has over him? Why is she so controlling? Why does he allow it?" xOW has never had seventeen years with anybody in her entire life. She never knew what it was like to lose and to win again. Every man in her life has left her and stayed gone, including Romeo. The only honor she had is what she borrowed from my life and she wanted it badly. She played every dirty trick in the book and when you think she would have it all by now, she lost it all and more. She is a broken soul who never really learned about love through loss and self sacrifice. She had to cheat to have what she took from me and naturally, it didnt last.

 

[Ripples]

Initially, I stayed because I didn't want the exOW to 'win'. I didn't want to be worth less than the women who would sleep with a man knowing he wasn't single. I've identified other reasons too, feeling like I would be weak to leave was one.

 

As time has passed, however, I've realised I stayed because I wanted to believe that my instincts about my SO (at the start of the relationship), were right. I didn't want to believe I could be so wrong about someone.

 

As time has passed and I've come to terms with the affairs (largely through help from two people on LS) and the part I played in the breakdown of our relationship, those initial instincts I hoped were right, have been pretty well proved to be. He is a good guy for me and I'm very glad we're working it out.

 

However, if he does it again....<taps_rolling_pin_menacingly>

 

[frannie]

"Frannie, you have completely & utterly taken my comments out of context for whatever reason. I wasn't actually intending to make general comments about self-esteem issues - I was directing my remarks specifically & only to Catharthis as a direct response to her comment as per the quote I included in my post."

 

The reason I responded was because you said 'I think this is laughable coming from an OW'. Perhaps you meant, 'Catharsis, I think this is laughable coming from you', but it sounded like you meant OW in general. As an OW, I wanted to explain my take on self-esteem and OW, because it's an issue that comes up on these boards often.

 

"Firstly, I have no idea what a T/J is, so I do not know what kind of tone you are trying to get across. Please feel free to enlighten me! My best guess is thread jack??? If that is the case, as I have already stated I was responding directly to the previous post in the thread."

 

Yes, T/J is a thread-jack, and I was the one hijacking the thread, not you

 

 

 

"However, I was pointing out that if it is a factor, it is more likely to be the OW who is suffering from it, rather than the betrayed spouse (at least until the BS discovers the A - then her self-esteem will most certainly take a battering)."

 

And I explained my reasons why I don't think that an OW is necessarily suffering from self-esteem issues. I don't think either woman necessarily is, which is what my post was about.

 

"Of course I see marriage as more important than just being a partner & certainly more important than an affair! It is a commitment that two people choose to make to each other, to show that they are prepared to go through everything in life together. No-one forces anyone to get married, so if you choose to do so, I believe that you are also choosing to work through the tough times rather than bailing or sleeping with someone else."

 

And that is your choice. I'm not knocking you for it, it's just that it wouldn't be my choice. Vive la differance and all that.

 

"I just have to smile at this - I am happy for you (and I must admit that I don't know your story) but my idea of being "treated really well" is obviously different to yours. I have to say, that as a MM we all know he is capable of lies & betrayal, so I don't think that we can be certain that what he has told you about his marriage is all correct. No marriage is perfect, by any means, but if it's that bad with his wife & so great with you, then why is he still with her?"

 

I have no idea what your concept of being 'treated really well' is, and I'm sure you have no idea what mine is. So we can't really comment at the moment on that. Yes, a MM is capable of lies and betrayal, and has done it to someone. That someone wasn't me. I know how I would feel and act if it had been me. I couldn't be with someone who had thought so little of me that he felt it was fine to go and do whatever he did with someone else.

 

Of course he might be lying to me, just as anyone can lie to anyone. But until I have proof that he's lied, I shall take him at his word. Relationships rely on trust, honesty and respect for the other person. If you don't have that, I don't see what you do have that's of worth (to me personally), and if that trust were ever betrayed, I would be out.

 

I don't see the difference, to be honest, between a BS and an OW on this score. They are dealing with the same man after all. In the case of the BW, she knows he has lied to her. It does not follow that he has necessarily lied to the OW. Call me stupid if you like, but if I'm stupid, then on that argument, so is the BW.

 

Why is he still married? Because you don't just go leaping out of a marriage because you met someone else you like. Because it's a huge step. As you say, a marriage is an important commitment, and so is having children. But we're not planning on continuing this affair for very much longer, so ask me again in a few months. If he's still married, then I'll no longer be in an affair.

 

"I think we both realise that Catharthis (& me in my reply) was referring to be single when using the word 'alone', not alone, as in spending some time by yourself."

 

OK, so you meant afraid to be single, not alone. Well, I'm not afraid to be single, or unmarried. I've never been married, and I was single for over 2 years before I met MM.

 

"This is the thing that I don't get the most about being an OW. You all seem like intelligent, likeable people but MM will lie too & betray his wife & the mother of his children, but he would never do that to you, right? Sorry Frannie, this guy might treat you well while he is with you but he goes back home to someone else every night. Hence, he is cheating on you just as much as he is cheating on his wife. The only difference is, you know about the wife. Yep - it's the relationship that matters."

 

Well, the way I see it is that he doesn't have a reason to lie to me or betray me. He sees me as his future partner. His relationship (not marriage, of course) with his W is over as far as those things I talked about in my previous post. I think that makes a difference. No, it doesn't excuse anything, but it certainly is a reason for lying. Now the cynics will say that he's lying to me in some way, but you know my take on that (see above).

 

And once again, 'cheating' means the other person doesn't know about it. Not that there are two women involved with one man. If it's an open relationship of some kind there is no 'cheating'. Let's say lying instead to make it clear. He is keeping something hidden from his wife... the fact that he has a girlfriend. He's not hiding anything of the sort from me. I know he's married. And yes, that does make all the difference. For example, if he'd lied to me about being married at first..? As soon as I found out he'd be gone.

 

It's about lying, misleading, pretending to be something you're not, looking into someone's eyes and knowing that you were with someone else hours before..? If someone could do that to me I would never trust them again with any of my heart.

[Catharsis]

Personally I have never been cheated on by my H, but I do have my own suspicions why some BW/BH won't leave: low self-esteem and the fear of being alone.

 

To be honest, I think this is laughable coming from an OW and I actually thought at first that you were trying to be funny!

 

Many BS probably do have self-esteem issues, as do lots of people in our society. However, I feel that there is no bigger example of low self-esteem than having a relationship with someone who is already with someone else, especially if the WH does not leave his wife immediately. Why put up with that unless YOU are afraid of being alone? When you have never said any marriage vows & never had children with someone, why stay?

 

If I had a boyfriend cheat on me, I would have left quick smart, as you did - we definitly agree on that. Being married is different, very different & when you have children, you will always be in each others lives, regardless. You can't just walk away & pretend that they never existed.

 

But if you feel that your self-esteem is so strong & that you don't have a fear of being alone, then why did you stay with your MM? I mean, he may have been cheating on his wife by being with you, but he was also cheating on you by still being with his wife. So your arguments could just as easily be redirected back at yourself.

 

I was never "with" the exMM. He was my former boyfriend from college and I contacted him more than a decade after we had broken up to get closure on some things that came up again due to circumstances in my life. I never had a physical relationship with him; in fact, during the almost four years of being in touch with him, we only met once. However, during the entire time (we mainly corresponded via email) he came on to me strongly, painted his M and his W in bleak colors, and basically kept telling me what a big mistake it had been to marry his W instead of me, blablabla. I just imagine how I would feel as his W if I found out that he said that about me to a woman he almost married? He did propose to me back then, but I said no because I felt that I was too young.

 

I have never cheated with him even though he physically came on to me when we met earlier this year. But I know that he has cheated on his W plenty of times with a lot of other very young women. How is that love? He is using his W as his "mommy" to take care of the house and the kids while he is out playing (he travels extensively with his job). I want to laugh when I hear people say "because I love him". It sounds like a sick, co-dependent situation to me. HOw can you love and respect someone who disrespects and lies to you, and who PROMISED to love and cherish you when exchanging vows? I just don't get it. I wasn't even married to "MM", but I couldn't even be in touch with him anymore after finding out what a liar and cheater he was. Just associating with someone like that makies me sick - let alone being married to someone like that. I'm too good for that.

[Romeo Must Die]

And once again, 'cheating' means the other person doesn't know about it. Not that there are two women involved with one man...

 

I have to disagree. I find this statement appalling as it is perposterous.

 

Two women involved with one man is cheating. Lying is simply the method used to conceal the cheating.

 

[frannie]

I have to disagree. I find this statement appalling as it is perposterous.

 

Two women involved with one man is cheating. Lying is simply the method used to conceal the cheating.

 

 

It's not cheating unless one or both of the women know nothing about it. Have you never heard of 'open' relationships or poly?

[Catharsis]

It's not cheating unless one or both of the women know nothing about it. Have you never heard of 'open' relationships or poly?

 

I have to agree with frannie. If a MM is not making a secret out of his marital status, he is not cheating on the OW - he may be lying to her about the state of his M, but that is not the same as cheating. The OW has a choice to get involved with him or not. He is however lying AND cheating to his W who is blissfully unaware that he sleeps with other women. She never consented (in most cases) to him having sex with others beside her. That is a difference in my book.

[herenow]

OK, so I have to answer this, but I don't have time today to read the other posts, so I apologize if I'm redundant.

 

The night I found out about the affair, I ask my husband to leave. In my mind our marriage was over.

 

The next day he wanted to "come clean". I still wanted him out. Then it came time to think about the kids. I initially let him stay so that we could figure out the best way to tell the kids that dad was going to move out. We immediately went to MC originally to deal with the kids issue. I planned to file for divorce right away, but the therapist asked me to wait for the sake of the kids. I agreed with full intention to divorce the SOB as soon as I had done what the therapist asked.

 

During the waiting period we continued to go to MC. The problems in our marriage became clear to both of us. I began to realize that I felt the same disconnection with my H and, that underneath my anger, I did want our marriage to work. He has accepted full responsibility for making the choices he made, and I do believe that he is trying to change. For this to work though, I need to make some changes as well.

 

He made the wrong choice in having an affair and only time will tell if I will be able to truly forgive him. Trust has been destroyed and I'm not sure it can be regained. But, we do love each other and if we both continue to be willing to put the time and effort into re-building what was lost, the reward will be worth it.

 

Why did I stay? Because I'm not ready to give up on the love that brought us together in the first place. That love is worth saving.

[whichwayisup]

He made the wrong choice in having an affair and only time will tell if I will be able to truly forgive him. Trust has been destroyed and I'm not sure it can be regained. But, we do love each other and if we both continue to be willing to put the time and effort into re-building what was lost, the reward will be worth it.

 

Go by what he does, not only by what he says...If he really wants the marriage to work and wants a better relationship, to be a better husband and father, he'll do ALL that is necessary to make it great again. You'll see it in so many ways....And I do hope this happens because it's very evident how much you love your husband. You two have children together, have a history and have shared alot. That's worth saving!!

 

Why did I stay? Because I'm not ready to give up on the love that brought us together in the first place. That love is worth saving.

 

As long as it's what you both want, together it can work. Each of you give 100%, and only good things will happen.

[BeenAround_N_Back]

I totally agree with the previous 2 posts!! That is why I stayed... I believe that the love was worth saving. Even when the A made my H a person that I didn't recognize at that time, after he came clean, I slowly began to recognize the man I married and love. The trust is slowly rebuilding through his actions that he greatly regrets his mistakes. And the forgiveness will come someday... not anytime soon but we are on great terms.

[GirlFromOz]

It's not cheating unless one or both of the women know nothing about it. Have you never heard of 'open' relationships or poly?

 

So, IF MM decides to leave his wife at some point in the future for you, you would be happy to continue to have an "open relationship" with him, just like you do now?

[laRubiaBonita]

what about the flip side? BH leaving or staying after the W had an A?

[NoIDidn't]

This could have been an informative thread, but it got changed into a debate over self-esteem.

 

I have an issue with the esteem thing. The issue that I have with the self-esteem question is because it seems glaringly obvious that some OW think they apparently are the better catch if this guy is willing to cheat with them. Truth is more like you were the first in a long line of "no, you are married" to say "maybe" or "yes". That is not to be insulting, it takes most MM a long line before they find someone willing to overlook the whole M status.

 

Be honest with yourself at least. It IS a huge ego stroke to be the OW, that someone is risking their livelyhood and lifestyle to be with you. That they are telling you all of these wonderful things about you and terrible things about their W. Be honest. I was flattered when my Ex told me how much better I was at all things related to what he liked, than his GF was. Truth is, I look back on that time with shame that I needed that to feel good about myself.

 

And this whole thing about its not cheating because YOU know about it. Bulls*ht!!! It is cheating. He might not be cheating on you, but he sure as h*ll is cheating on his W and family. If his W hasn't agreed to an 'open' relationship, he's cheating. Dressing up a duck and calling it a model doesn't change what it is. Its still a duck.