Lux Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Should I make my ultimatium? I'm madly in love with a friend-- who, once upon a time, was madly in love with me (I was in a relationship though and only saw him "as a friend" so nothing came of it. And we lived in seperate countries which didn't exactly help). We've never kissed, held hands or anything nearing physical intimacy but God, how I want too. Even a Brad Pitt/Johnny Depp combo doesn't sound as good as him, in all his imperfect perfectness. But I'm going off track here. We know eachother better than we know anyone else and if he wasn't (cough) involved, we'd be "more than friends." My timing sucks. Anyway, if I'm ever going to breathe in again I *need* to tell him how I feel and I need to tell him that I can't see him again, at least not for a decade, unless he thinks that somewhere down the line we could become involved. I know its selfish and its risking EVERYTHING but I go through hell every day, wishing him out of my life if he can't be in it. Which, for the most part, he isn't. I've already composed an email, detailing how much I love him and how I understand that he might not feel the same but if he does, I'll wait forever. And if he doesn't, please don't haunt me. Should I send it? Has anyone else done this and exorsised the demons? My only reason for NOT sending it is the distant hope that if I keep quiet and subdued, a romance will eventually develop. In other words, even if he does have romantic feelings now, I might scare him off by no losing my cool. Anyone??
CaliGuy Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Well you're going to risk losing a friend. If I were you, I would tell him that you RESPECT the fact he is in a relationship now and if something happens and you are still available when/if he is, you'd be interested in seeing where things go. Basically, leave the door open a crack but keep walking. What changed your feelings about this guy all the sudden? PS: I agree, your timing sucks
Guest Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Can you handle it if it doesn't work out the way you desire? If you can... open up and say it. If not clam up and watch him walk away with another female. Win... Loose or Draw.. you decide what risk you take and what you may serve to win or loose.. Life is short... take a chance.. how much time do any of us have on earth? We are not here to make life perfect... we are here to try and make mistakes and come to know heartach... I say go for it.... Good Luck...
Star Gazer Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 I wouldn't give him the ultimatum as you've described it. Instead... this: If I were you, I would tell him that you RESPECT the fact he is in a relationship now and if something happens and you are still available when/if he is, you'd be interested in seeing where things go.
D-Lish Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 I wouldn't lay all your cards on the table all at once. I think it's best to test the waters a little first. Answer some questions first before sending that e-mail: How long has he been with his gf? What signals does he currently give you that he may want to be with you? Have you ever had a frank discussion about your chemistry? What does your gut tell you about how he feels? Okay, having asked those questions... and back to the e-mail. I wouldn't give him an ultimatum outright. I think it would be best to skirt around the issue with some subtle hinting. ie: "do you ever think we have bad timing?" "sometimes I wonder about us being more than friends" Those kind of questions are less impactful than any ultimatum, and it protects you a little bit if his thoughts aren't in the same place as yours. Sending him an ultimatum message can set you up for rejection, whereas testing the waters lightly allows you to get some answers (at least start a dialogue) without putting yourself in a position to lose his friendship or feel the pang of rejection. What do you think about that? D
BabyPhoenix Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 Anyway, if I'm ever going to breathe in again I *need* to tell him how I feel and I need to tell him that I can't see him again, at least not for a decade, unless he thinks that somewhere down the line we could become involved. I know its selfish and its risking EVERYTHING but I go through hell every day, wishing him out of my life if he can't be in it. Which, for the most part, he isn't. From what you have written in this paragraph, it sounds like he is in a pretty serious relationship which you don’t see him ending anytime soon. If this is the case, I think breaking ties with him and doing No Contact is the best thing for your mental health, and probably the health of his relationship as well. If you cut ties with him, you will allow yourself to be free to explore other possibilities. I think that perpetuating this state of limbo is not good for you. I've already composed an email, detailing how much I love him and how I understand that he might not feel the same but if he does, I'll wait forever. And if he doesn't, please don't haunt me. Should I send it? Has anyone else done this and exorsised the demons? My only reason for NOT sending it is the distant hope that if I keep quiet and subdued, a romance will eventually develop. In other words, even if he does have romantic feelings now, I might scare him off by no losing my cool. Now, you are changing your story. In your first paragraph, you say you don’t want to see him for a decade. In this one, you say you will wait for him forever. Either way, your decision should not rest with his feelings. It should rest only with your emotional needs. And I agree with the other posters, ultimatums are not in order here. As far as I can see you have two choices: 1. continue to be friends with him and don’t say or insinuate anything about your feelings, 2. go no contact with him for your own, and his own, well being. If you go with choice 1, you will be utterly tortured and miserable for as long as this continues. You could also miss out on opportunities with other people. In addition, it may negatively affect your friends relationship, and he might come to resent you. If you go with choice 2, which is really the only logical option, there are two possible outcomes: a. he pursues you and you get together after he has ended his relationship with his girlfriend b. he stays with his girlfriend and you both move on with your respective and separate lives.
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