Bob469 Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 My girlfriend of 3 months cheated on me with one of her close friend whom she knows before me. He had liked her before but she did not have any romantic feelings towards him before. I am not a very expressive guy and I do not express my feelings very well. In the past we've gotten into fights because she says i do not get jealous when she and other guys flirt with each other so she didn't feel wanted by me, i guess thats the reason why she cheated. i knew about the affair but i never told her that i knew and i had a talk with her. I figured that yelling at her and telling her how much she had hurt me and what a whore she is didn't solve anything so i kept the knowledge of the affair to myself. But i did break up with her and told her that i had a busy life and had no time with her, i took the high road but it killed me inside. We're still friends and she says she still wants me wants to work it out... I know that she's been uneasy everytime we talk about her friend (other lover). I am still mad about it and feel resentment towards her when im with her. What would you do in my situation. Please help me
Bryanp Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I am sorry but what you did and still doing is a real disservice to yourself by not telling her you know what happened. There are consequences to actions. Really the message you are sending is that you really don't care. You should inform her the reason you broke up with her is because she cheated on you and you do not wish to have a relationship with someone who would do such a thing. The key point is honesty here. Playing mind games like you are in the dark is foolish and immature. You need to have respect for yourself to express your feeling and tell people who hurt that you are aware of their actions and will not put up with it. They will respect you a great deal more in the long run instead of pretending that you are above showing your feelings and emotions. I suggest you tell her the truth for the cause of your breakup. You will also be helping her by allowing her to show remorse if she feels it. In short, it is important for the both of you to inform her you know the full story. What you are doing now is counterproductive to the both of you.
BeenAround_N_Back Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 She should own up and take responsiblity for what she did. No wonder you are resentful.... you cannot accept what she does not acknowledge.
norajane Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I figured that yelling at her and telling her how much she had hurt me and what a whore she is didn't solve anything so i kept the knowledge of the affair to myself. Why did you think it was either/or - either you don't say anything or you go completely off the deep end? There is a middle ground. You're perfectly justified in breaking up with her, but you didn't take the high road when you broke up with her without telling her why. You took the "conflict avoidance" road, and thereby have created even more conflict for yourself by doing so. You could have taken that middle ground and told her that you knew she had cheated on you and you don't want to go out with someone who does that. No need to call her a whore. No need to rant and wail. It's not too late to be honest about your feelings and tell her now.
Sal Paradise Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 By not telling her you have kept things in limbo between the two of you. Stop being a wimp (no offense) and tell her that you know that she cheated. At least then you may feel some closure. I would also suggest going no contact (not talking on the phone, internet, anything) for about 6 months to get her out of your system (if you want to move on). Regardless of whether you want to move on or get back with her you need to confront her about her betrayal. As norajane said just because you confront someone over hurting you doesn't mean you have to go psycho. You're using that as an excuse because you don't want to face the reality of what she did. Act like an adult and have an adult conversation about why you broke up with her. She has no excuse to cheat. It's never justified. Any reason she could give is just an excuse. Furthermore if you do get back with her that friendship with her friend she slept with has to cease. She can't have contact with that loser anymore. I would suggest not dating anyone who is friends with someone who wants to sleep with them. More often than not it just leads to problems.
Author Bob469 Posted December 17, 2006 Author Posted December 17, 2006 Well, thank you for everybody who gave me a feedback. i left things the way it is for the entire week and then i told her that i really needed to talk to her friday night after work. I figured that if i did not tell her then it will not give her and me a chance to grow and learn. I let her know that i knew about the affair and that i broke up with her because of that instead of the excuse i used before. I also let her know that it did hurt me and I can't trust her anymore. Then i told her that i wanted an explanation and why she didn't tell me. She was in tears and she told me that she cheated because she wanted to be wanted by somebody and i did not show her that. She also said that she felt horrible and that she did not want to lose me. I couldn't take it anymore and left and told her that i would talk to her again in the morning. So we met up yesterday morning to see where we stand with each other. She pleaded her case and said she doesn't want to do anything with the other guy except for talking to him every once and a while. She said that when i am tentative to her, then there is no comparison. My heart was broken and i choose to believe her and forgave her. Then she ask me if we still had a chance, i said that i needed time to heal and do some soul searching. Then she also asks if we can still hang out because she wants to see me as much as possible so we will not drift apart. I didn't answer her and told her again that i needed more time. We left it as that. I woke up this morning feeling so numb from the emotional roller coaster ride from the night before and not wanting to get out of bed because i dont know what to do. This is the first serious relationship that i've been cheated on. Is there anything that i can do to heal the pain faster...and can me and her still hang out? How do i deal with it when i am with her? For those who have been through this, please help me.
Sal Paradise Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Dude you're crazy if you take her back. She says she wants to see him once in a while and she doesn't want to let you go. She hasn't learned jack from this ordeal. There is no way you can get back with her if she EVER TALKS TO THIS GUY AGAIN. AT ALL! She can't have contact with him or she will cheat on you again. Guaranteed! Seriously just move on. You can't do that if you stay friends with her or keep talking to her. You need to go cold turkey no contact. No phone calls, emails, instant messenger, nothing! Do that for the next year and you will be over her. You can't stay in contact with her if you want to get over her. And you can't get back with her as long as she wants to talk to this guy at all. Even once in a great while is out of the question. And even if she says yes to that how can you trust her? Is she going to let you check her cell phone, her emails, instant messenger archive etc..? She needs to have total openness with you or it won't work. She broke the trust and she can't earn it back without openness. Ny suggestion is total no contact. Let her go and find a real woman. She isn't mature enough to not cheat. Hell she thinks she's entitled to have you both in her life lol. No expert would advise letting her stay in contact with him at all. That isn't negotiable, under no circumstances can she ever talk to him again if you two are to work things out. Like I said its not worth it. A cheater isn't worth the effort.
Bryanp Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Sal Paradise is absolutely correct. She is asking you to still be with her and allow her to continue contact and hang out with the man she cheated with you on and put your health at risk for STD's. Do you honestlly think if the roles were reversed that she would accept you talking and communicating every once and while with a woman you cheated on her with behind her back? Get serious. She should be doing everything to regain your trust. The fact that she still wishes to communicate with this OM sends you a clear message that she is too immature and wants to keep the other guy on the side in case things go bad in your relationship. I think you would be crazy to go back to her if she sees no problem in continuing a friendship with this OM. Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to realize what she just said to you?
mental_traveller Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 My girlfriend of 3 months cheated on me with one of her close friend whom she knows before me. He had liked her before but she did not have any romantic feelings towards him before. I am not a very expressive guy and I do not express my feelings very well. In the past we've gotten into fights because she says i do not get jealous when she and other guys flirt with each other so she didn't feel wanted by me, i guess thats the reason why she cheated. i knew about the affair but i never told her that i knew and i had a talk with her. I figured that yelling at her and telling her how much she had hurt me and what a whore she is didn't solve anything so i kept the knowledge of the affair to myself. But i did break up with her and told her that i had a busy life and had no time with her, i took the high road but it killed me inside. We're still friends and she says she still wants me wants to work it out... I know that she's been uneasy everytime we talk about her friend (other lover). I am still mad about it and feel resentment towards her when im with her. What would you do in my situation. Please help me Take it from a former cold fish (my school nickname was Spock) - it does no good to hold in your emotions that much. I've learned the hard way that most people are basically primitive, they respect and respond to well-timed emotional outbursts, much more than they do to calm reason & logic. It is good to be a screaming, shouting ******* every so often if someone tries to **** with you. They learn that if they mess with you, they can expect some unpleasantness. There are some civilised, measured people in this world but they are a definite minority. Another advantage to freaking out on people who treat you badly is that it's damn satisfying. It releases tension and just feels good to really lash out at someone who deserves it, reduce them to a quivering wreck or at the very least make them respect you. Other people will call it "fear" not respect, but if you look at the subsequent actions, respect is exactly what it is. In your case, your excessive calmness led your gf to think you didn't care if she flirted and more. She sounds like a cheating bitch anyway, but you made things worse by acting too blase. So to get this gripe of your chest, I'd invite her over to neutral territory, then really lay into her. No need to totally lose your temper, but certainly don't hesitate to raise your voice, shout a bit, and hurl all the insults you like. You'll have said your piece, feel better, and she'll at least think you aren't a soulless automaton anymore.
mental_traveller Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 she told me that she cheated because she wanted to be wanted by somebody and i did not show her that. She also said that she felt horrible and that she did not want to lose me. This is an important lesson for dealing with women. Women do not just want to be loved/wanted. They want to *feel* loved. Many respond better to someone who does not love them, but gives strong signs that he does, than to someone who loves them but doesn't show it. Women say they want to be loved but in reality quite a few just want to see signs that make them think that. Of course it's better if the signs are representative of actual love rather than a fake, but the fact is that in this case and many others, the style means more to them than the substance behind it.
Author Bob469 Posted February 26, 2007 Author Posted February 26, 2007 Thank you everybody for your comments and insights. My woman and I had a real good talk about the whole situation about a month ago right before New Years and I told her that she would have to bear with me if our friendship was going to last and i told her that I just could not be with her romantically right away. So we were friends for a short period of time and we still hangout eventhough it was among our friends. She didn't see the other guy again and tried as much as she can to win back my trust. She was very depressed and her friends and family started to worry about her. Part of me really wants to see her suffer, but the other part can't bear to see her that way. She is extremely paranoid and keeps asking my close friends if i had been seeing anybody else..I've been on 2 dates and they were good but i felt no connection so i didn't call either of them back. She thinks i've been sleeping around to get back at her and keeps on accusing me of it when i haven't..I didn't tell her that i just told her that it was none of her business since we're not officially together anymore to keep her guessing. We're both a mess. We were alone one night watching a movie and then had a heart to heart talk after the movie ended. We talked about the details of the affair, how she and i have felt and dealt with it in the time that had passed. I felt connected to her in a way that I've never felt before in the past. So, one thing led to another and we had oral sex. Thoughts of her infidelity still swirled in the back of my head and it was dirty thoughts that just made my stomach turn but i did not stop her. So we fooled around a little more even though there was no penetration and then i left...but we were on good terms...very affectionate towards each other. I thought about our relationship and how it would flourish more now than ever since we've been through this deal. It's been two days since i saw her last and she told me that we was comming over my place tonight..i think she wants to take things a little further this time... I feel like im meeting this woman over again, but with a monster baggage and im scared. I am planning to tell her that with counseling and patient, we can get back together.. What do you guys thinks? What can i do so that we can both get over this and move on with our relationship
LakesideDream Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I think you are wasting your time and effort. 3 months? That's why it's called "dating". People "date" to gather information, and determine if one person is "right" for the other. Your dubious GF(?) did a pretty good job of letting you know that you didn't meet her needs. Take her message as a blessing and MOVE ON. You are to young to get caught up in all the Drama.
kate1977 Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I have a guy who does not show his emotions, kinda go up and down, we have been together much longer but I must say that we both have strayed away at times and learned from it, if you really love and care for one another it will work out and you will have to take time to figure out why it was done and if it can be fixed
Recommended Posts