She Says She Need Space. What am i to do

December 13, 2006

Ok im so lost can someone please help me!.. ive been with her since high school and in the relationship almost 6 years. I started out with the relationship very wrong. i told her i was a virgin. and i know i am wrong. but i told her my reasons. she found out from her ex best friend 3months into our relationship. she said she wanted to make it work, and to work it out. 5 1/2 years later she is still mad at me to this day. i know where i went wrong, but ever since that day i did everything a girl would want. i've been nothing but a man and gettleman to this girl. shes 21 now i know we are still young, its just so hard for me to let her go, and to think about her being with another guy disgusts me.

the problem started about 2 weeks ago, when she wanted to go to her friends house and i was ok with it, i never stoped her from doing wat she wants. so i told her to go. when she went there she talked to her ex-(boyfriend in high school which she dated like for 2months) on the phone for 3 hours. i found out the hard way. then she said it meant nothing. now she said she wants her space. and just this past weekend she said she wanted to go out once agian i was ok but i hesitated. then 3 oclock came around i didnt see her home so i went to look for her and found her with her ex. and she said she was just talking. and i dont kno wat to think. i just felt like she cheated on me. she went to look for comfort with some other guy. that bothers me.

i really feel for her. we bought a house together and lived together for the past 2years. i would never expected this, and now she says she wants to move back to her mom and find out wat she wants, she dont know wat she wants. and i am afraid of losing her. i never gave her the idea i wanted her to leave or pushed her away. i always wanted to make her happy. i do so much for her to make her life easier, like supporting her telling her to go to school and get a degree, paying for her school, bought her things she wanted. i just dont kno where i went wrong. i kno what she done to me was wrong, and its so hard for me to let go. what am i to think or do. can someone give me advice.

ps. she said she wants me to keep the house, rite now i pay for her gym membership and she pays for my cell phone, she said she wants me to keep the cell phone and to keep her on the gym membership. i feel like im a rebound, if it dont workout for her. she said she wants to date, go out with other guys. or whatever, she wants to do whatever she wants and not to have to worry about what i think, but still want me to keep these agreements.

December 13, 2006

Do NOT, under any circumstance, continue paying for anything for her. Don't accept her money. Don't be her fall back guy. You'll get trampled on without even a back ward glance.

What you need to do is tell her that she needs to move back in with her mom, or where ever she's going to go, and she has one week to get going. That all monetary and emotional support stops the moment she moves out. Get yourself a prepaid phone and cancel the one she's paying for. Help her pack, be unemotional, don't beg, whine, plead, or try to convince her to stay. The harder you push for her not to go, the further it'll drive her away. Pull back emotionally. Do not show her how desperate you are to keep her.

The surest way to lose her is to continue to give her everything she wants right now. I know it seems counter intuitive. Rationally you'd think she'd see all that you do and realize she's foolish for leaving you. But it doesn't work that way. Subconciously she'll see it as pathetic. She knows she's taking advantage of you, and by continuing to meet her wants, she'll lose respect for you. At it's basic level, this is a test as to what you're made of. You're either the spineless loser who hands over everything because he is a no one without her, or you show her that you won't allow anyone to take advantage of you, not even her. Trust me on this. You have to be kind of an ass, don't go overboard, be civil, but do NOT give her money, time, or effort anymore. She loses the benefits you bring the moment she decides to move out.

Besides, she'll never realize what you have been giving her unless she doesn't get it anymore. If you keep giving it to her, then there's no reason for her to actually put effort into staying with you. She will be getting everything she wants from you, plus she can sleep with whoever she wants.

But for God's sake!! She chose her path, show her exactly what she's giving up by walking out that door. All that great stuff you do for her ENDS the second she commits to walking out. Do not beg her stay. Do not try to influence her decision. Help her out the door, and then cut off contact with her. She's on her own at that point. Don't be the fall back guy, the safety net that gets used and abandoned over and over. If she wants you back, then she'll have to put real effort into proving she serious about what she wants. But pleading with her not to go, continuing to pay for stuff, and helping her with her every need will only prove that you're a spineless wimp who doesn't deserve her. Show her she's wrong.

p.s. you already made amends for the lie from 6 years ago. You need to stop punishing yourself for it. And you need to stop allowing her to hold it over your head.

December 14, 2006

I Thank you for your help, i've been trying to stay strong, when i try to push her away, and everytime i did, she starts to cry and shows that shes hurt, which hurts me so much, and i agian give in and try to comfort her. i kno i need to stop. i think im just afraid of hurting someone, and i never wanted to see her hurt in anyway. but i think she is using me, i've been feeling like i've been her benifactor, and nothing more, she dont seem to care how i feel, she says she does, but sometime i just get this feeling shes saying things to say it and to end that conversation.

with the cell phone thing i agree, i need to get my own, however theres one more issue, the house is under both our name, i know i know why the f*** would i do that, at the time, my credit was not in good shape and hers was, so i needed her to help me and she did, she did resentfully. and now i told her lets just sell the house and move on, or to put the house under my name, she said she wants to be with me, shes ok keeping it on both of our names.(if i refinance the house apr will be 13%, rite now its at 6%) also i didnt mean to make it seem like i paid for EVERYTHING but 80% of the time i did.

shes just making it harder on me, she wants to be together but seperatly, meaning she wants to be friends for a little while so "she can find her self, find out what she wants". i do feel like she wants me to be like the back up incase it doesnt go her way. and i dont want that. and i love her so much sometimes, theres things she did for me that makes me think she not so bad. i care for her alot, in the past 6 years 95% of the time we've been happy, and i dont want to throw it away. but i dont kno wat to think no more. so what can i do to push her away? i think that will be best unless anyone has any other opinoin. agian thanks for the input, it helps alot.

December 14, 2006

first thing first

house under both name, well unless it is fully paid, means nothing. She is on the hook for half the debts too. So don't make it a big issue.

play fair, buy her half off and refinance at 13% or sell the house.

about the relationship, both of you settle down really young. She probably has mature emotionally.

My guess is her maternal instinct are kicking in. She is not convince 100% that your future together is stable and what she wants. Also possibility is that you might not be the best genetic for her off springs. Good as a benefactor but not good enough genes.

so she is shopping around.

December 14, 2006

I dont know how to go about that, but i guess you have a point about the house, however i make more money then her, so thats not an issue, and i will be getting my degree in jan. and i mean im not saying im the best looking guy nor the unattrative guy and not to be concided but i am having a future. she always talked about having kids one day wanting her kids to have many of my genes. so im so confused..its just hard because shes wants to still talk to me here and there..i am considering to give her her space and go on with the NC. im justing trying to look for answers/advice. Thanks agian

December 14, 2006

I left a relationship that I'd been in the majority of my late teen through early twenties, and I did kind of the same thing your girl is doing. I wanted space, but I wanted him there. It wasn't to "use" him intentionally. I still loved him, I just wasn't happy. And all the while I wanted that excitment and selfish life that I assumed everyone else had or was having. Like that crazy lustful feeling you get when you first start falling for someone.. I craved it like it was opium or something.

I don't think it has anything to do with your reproductive value, or her maternal instincts. I think its more along the lines that she wants to explore other avenues. It's about excitment, intrigue, learning who she is outside of the boundaries of the relationship. Relationships kind of define who we are. If you're in one from the time you're a teen til mid twenties, you end up stuck in the role of who you were at 18-19. People grow. It's hard to redefine who you are, when you have someone asking you to stay who you have always been.

Anyway.. my ex clung to me like I was his life line, and it ended up driving me even further away. If he'd handled it differently, I think we may have had a shot in the future. But he wanted things exactly as they were. I didn't. So I took what I needed in order to change my life.

That didn't really answer your question though. If I were you, I'd sit her down one last time. Tell her that you wish her well, that you won't be continuing contact for a long while. If she changes her mind and wishes to try again, then you'd be happy to hear from her, but other than that you wish to have no contact for X amount of time.. say 4 months or something.

I think she needs to understand that if she sleeps with someone else while on this "break" that the chances of you two getting back together again are slim to none. Unless you feel you could deal with the repercussions of knowing she had sex with someone else and then taking her back. I don't think I could do it though. Plus, what happens if you find someone new?

Is this a break or a break up? Let her know that whatever rules that apply to her also apply to you. So if she wishes to fool around with other guys, then you get to fool around with other girls. If she can have sex with others, then you can too. (Doesn't mean you have to.. Just don't get caught in a double standard where she's free to do as she pleases, but then holds it against you if you do the same. And she will if you don't specify how the rules apply.)

December 14, 2006

I am sorry this is happening to you tnguyen, I know it is a frustrating point in your life. It is good that you have LS to assist you on this situation. This happened to me about a year ago.

I tried so hard to get my exgf back and all it did was push her away. She got so mad one time that she cussed at me for calling while she was at her friend's house, which she has never done b4. I learned that if you resist what she wants to do, she will go do it.

The best is like what Walk was talking about, just support her decision and let her go slowly. Try not to say anything more and be emotional.

Currently my ex is coming back to my life because I have given her space and what she wanted, things that is supportive to her in her life. I told her i just want to see you happy.

It helps when they see that you care about them to that lvl. But also do well so she knows what she is missing out.

Good luck to you, this is my 2cents.

December 15, 2006

Screw taking a break. Just end it. She wants to sleep with other men; that's fine because a relationship is voluntary and not bondage. But she can't have it both ways. When a relationship is over, it has to be over and that's that. Nothing you do will keep her when she wants to go; so let her go. And you can go too.

This means splitting up everything you own together. She can't simply keep the house and neither can you. And chances are that neither of you can maintain it financially anyway. It's also time to cut off the cellphone and gym membership; ex means no longer together and therefore, no right to freeload.

And cut off the contact. Seeing her again simply means more heartache for you. She doesn't deserve to occupy your mind. Then find other things to do; there are plenty of new opportunities, in terms of jobs, adventures and women, out there. This doesn't mean the pain of losing her will ease immediately; it never does. But is does allow you to start moving on.

December 15, 2006

I think that the problem is that you were too nice and got her everything she wanted. As far as i'm concerned, girls don't like guys who try to be too nice.

December 15, 2006

Probably some truth to that Kolzar. When a woman begins looking at you as if you are her piggy bank or sugar daddy, the relationship is over. She has to earn anything you give her and the converse; it seems more like he gave plenty (house, cellphone, an open door policy under which she can come and go without actually justifying her whereabouts) without some expectation of reciprocation.

Whatever the case, it's an opportunity for him to move on and find someone who isn't going to committ infidelity (and yes, it's possible to committ infidelity n a longterm relationship that isn't marriage, especially if there are already rules about such things) or use him. It's a sad thing to happen, but he'll come out of it a little wiser.

December 16, 2006

This is my advice, she doesn't know what she wants, she is shopping around, and lost some interests in you. You are friend.

Separate all shared financial issues. No shared gym memberships, no shared cell phones, no shared house; just split the financial issues. Get rid of the shared financial responsibilities.

If she wants to shop around, let her do whatever but you go do your own thing. I'm not saying it will be easy but it would be a breath of fresh air for both of you. She wants to move back home, let her.

yes, you might lose her but nothing you can do to regain her interests if she has lost some. She is pulling away and you are just chasing to get her back. Well let her go and you go chase your own dreams of finishing the degree.

Maybe somewhat mean but now treat her like a business transaction; pay your debts and move on. Seperate the financial and emotional aspects for now. If she wants kids and you two get a marriage license, common law marriage or whatever, intermingled assets will happen.

December 18, 2006

Thanks for All the advise, its been very helpful, i've been trying to let her go but, now she is clinging on to me. i actually had to move all her stuff out the house. and she has no clothes at my house. now she said she wants to keep some stuff at my house so when she sleeps over on the weekend she has something to change into. and now say she wants to be with me, she havent contacted the guy since i caught her. she really wants to make me happy, make it work. but still live at her mom, she just wants space. i pretty much laid down the rules to her, i told her everything about cutting contact. i feel like she is trying to lure me back to her and then it will happen agian. i just dont kno wat to do with her now.

December 18, 2006

i feel like she is trying to lure me back to her and then it will happen agian. i just dont kno wat to do with her now.

Make sure you tell her exactly this! And make sure she understands what she did felt like a betrayal to you.

It seems she's reacting on emotion and desparation, fear of losing what she's comfortable with. She may say alot of things right now, but what you need to look for is the action...Not just go by what she says.

December 18, 2006

i did tell her that i felt like she wants to get back because she is scared to be alone, and also how she just want to lure me back to take advantage of me. and she that thats not it, she just really miss me, and she was sorrie, it meant nothing to her. and she really wants to make it work. like the whole weekend she spent time with me, stayed home waiting for me, cleaning the house. she making me think twice as hard. should i take that chance? or just it go.

December 18, 2006

Why don't the two of you try couples therapy and see how that goes?

she said she wants to date, go out with other guys. or whatever, she wants to do whatever she wants and not to have to worry about what i think, but still want me to keep these agreements.

This is a concern, to say this and want to end things and now she she wants you back. Does she understand what she's done and said has made you question her, mistrust her and wonder what is really going on? I guess time will tell...

December 18, 2006

I think you should tell her you want X amount of time apart, no weekends, no contact.. and you want her to very seriously think about what she wants in her life while you do the same. Then after that period of time, plan a time to talk, see where you two stand. (with an understanding that neither of you will date others, sleep with others, or fool around with the others.)

But I think she's suddenly realized she wasn't going to be able to keep you while off playing around, and reality smacked her in the head.

Good job on holding your own on this. Most men would've turned into sobbing, blithering idiots with their whinning and incessant begging.

She wants to stay at her mom's house. That gives me the impression she's still not quite sure that you are what she wants. Have you asked her why she wants to stay at her mom's? You're fine with her going where she wanted and when before, why would she feel the need to move out? Have you asked her?

She hasn't said why she was unhappy in the first place. Unless she knows what's wrong, then nothing will change. Assume you guys stay together, and things get back to normal in a couple months, she'll start to feel unhappy again, and the cycle will start again. Nothing has been resolved. Nothing has changed. Personally, I'd tell her exactly that.. then boot her out the door for about a month, plan to talk after 4 weeks, and see where the both of you stand. If she has a better idea of what was missing, great. If not... probably going to be a lot of heartache in your future.

December 18, 2006

i was thinking about going to the couple therapy, but just dont know if its worth it.

Yes, ill probally going to do that, i will have to tell her to think about wat she has done, and see how it goes from there.

Thanks for all of LS member support and word of comfort. i was able to be strong.

i asked her why she still wants to move back to her mom, she said 1 is because she has stress at the house because her father stresses her out, because she feels like he is freeloading which he is, and i already gave him 2weeks to move out(i had him stay with us because it was her father and he had no where to go). and because when her mom moved to her new home, she never got to experience living in the new house. and her mom constantly asking her and convincing her to move to her house to live with her.(i dont understand why she cant let her 21yr old dautgher grow up.)

the first reason was she felt like we been togehter for 6yrs and she felt like we are not going no where( because i havent propose to her). then she said wants to see how its going to be like without me, because i influence her. then she never got to expericnce living with her mom at the new house. then about her father living here stresses her out, then because she feels shes young and she dont want to miss out to experience dating other people. then she said she just want to start over fresh because she just quit her job, and got a new job(starts in jan), then she said wanted to go to her mom so that she can start to dress up, get in shape(tone up) so she can look good for me when we go out, take time to get ready. i didnt kno wat to say to that but to tell her its over, and i told her to do wat she has to and to kno that i will not be here for her any longer. then she insist staying with me.

December 18, 2006

She doesnt love you. End of story. She doesnt care about you any more.

She probably wont love you again....no matter what you do. (the less you do the bigger chance you win her back.....paradox init?)

Best think you can do....cut the strings pretty fast.

Move out or move her out. Dont give her anything in any form.

She disrespected you in most blatant way and she will use you if you give her chance.

Be a real Man and LEAVE immediately without fights, jealosy, arguing, questions, begging....no mercy and no turning back!!!

Take it as valueable lesson, dont pitty yourself - it happens.

Find next girl fast and dont do the sam mistakes....dont be her doormat, puppydog etc. or she wont respect you. There is no love withut respect. Keep your backbone even when in love

December 18, 2006

I don't know... I still think a set period of no contact, and then a meeting to see where both parties are at mentally would be the best thing. Tnguyen8485 is probably going to be caught up in the feeling that he wants this to work, and if he ends it permanently right this moment then he's going to be left with the "what if" questions for a long time afterward. Plus, this girl is going to cling harder the more he pushes her away. Doesn't mean she really wants him, just that she doesn't want to be cut off completely right now. Giving her a set date to talk would allow her to feel she isn't losing him completely.

This isn't a war. I don't think we're trying to maim people or destroy them. If there's a gentler way to allow both parties to save face while soothing their gulit, then maybe that should be attempted first. A few weeks or a month isn't that long a time frame that either party would feel chained down by agreeing to meet up. Yet give enough time for both to get comfortable with the idea of being single. It might allow her to set aside her fears. Instead of making the fear based decision, she'll be making it from a more logical place.

And same for him.. he'll have a short time to allow the idea of being single to set in. Allow him to re-evaluate what he wants in life. And let him feel that he's attempted all he could to make the relationship work, without losing his self-worth, or sense of respect for himself.

THen again, it's kind of delaying the inevitable... I just thought it might help to ease the transition. Six years is a long time.. and it's hard to just cut that off. Kind of like cutting off an arm. It's been there so long that it seems like a part of you.

December 19, 2006

"I need space" is a deal breaker. Just end it.

December 19, 2006

"I need space" is a deal breaker. Just end it.

I need space means it's over...or you can prolong the suffering but it's still over.

December 20, 2006

I am her - the girl.

Couples have their times of ups and downs and lately I have been lost. I needed to talk with someone. I have lived a very unstable life/upbringing, and I am still learning how to manage things correctly. IM SORRY! No one is perfect.

Just as much as tnguyen has done for me, I have always tried to do it 10 harder. No one will fully understand the unique relationship we have had.

I take full responsibility for what happened and respect his wishes. But then he gave me a promise ring. What does this mean? Every girl dreams of having a husband, a wedding, a ring…. A cinderella story. After speaking we decided to wipe everything from before off the board. Start all over.

Since the promise ring (Sat, Dec. 9) - we decided to start all over. This was a new beginning all around. I took this very seriously.

Today at 12:17am – Wed. Dec.20 - tnguyen is sleeping on the couch.

Today I had to pay my cell phone. I discovered that he has been calling a girl from Utica – another town near by. She’s in one of his classes. He has been talking about having to study for a test and I figured it was just that.

Even after seeing that he consecutively called her since last week (Dec. 15th - AFTER THE PROMISE RING). I told myself that I have respect for him and trust him. He never mentioned anything about a particular person/girl – I just knew that he had a study group.

He went to bed early today. I stood home, cooked dinner and decorated the house to get ready for Christmas. I shot his cell phone against the wall, while he was sleeping today and said I was leaving for good.

Even through that whole - im not a virgin incident - where I found out he wasn’t a virgin from an ENEMY like 3 months later AFTER becoming intimate! (and we were seeing each other since becoming intimate for a bit) - I have always felt his honesty. In fact I told him to go out this past weekend where he enjoyed himself with a guy friend of his to the local strip of clubs/bars – he came home DRUNK! But I was ok. He had a good time.

So today – I made a discovery – but I didn’t jump to conclusions… UNTIL I saw the text message “wake up sunshine…” “want to meet up tomorrow @...” ?!?!? - to that girl from Utica from tnguyen… WTF?! OK – so this guy gives me a promise ring/engagement diamond ring and then the whole time was REALLY talking about studying with this girl?! I didn’t understand. I thought we were both starting a new beginning – why else would he have given me an expensive ring?

Since a couple of days before this promise ring I cut contact with ALL my friends – including that guy. I needed to think on my own. With this promise ring “I” found a new beginning –

he apparently was looking to start a new beginning with some one else!

,

December 20, 2006