typical Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 This question should evoke responses that I am very curious to see. When it really comes down to it, What would you do?? To answer this, please try to really put yourself into this situation Would you: Stay with the man who you was once so deeply in love with, but have been hurt so much by him that your heart is almost broken, and just when you decided that you couldnt take it anymore, he finally starts to show you the love and real concern that you always wanted, but it is so slow going and with many minor but still a little hurtful setbacks that you are almost afraid to hope it is real? Or.... Would you: Go with a man who was obviously so in love with you, would do anything for you, give you all the love you were ever lacking in your life and then some, willing to go to extremes just to have you, has time and patience with your little tests-all the while telling you he knows you are testing him and why, and that you can test him all you want until you feel safe with him,....but....you are not in love with him?
blind_otter Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Is neither an option? Because I wouldn't pick either one. The first scenario - well that's what I call beating a dead horse. There's a lot of backtracking to do and IMO that would require the help of a professional because old habits die hard. The second scenario is not even a question. I used to think it was possible to be involved with someone I was not in love with, but it really isn't. IME, anyways.
Lostgurl Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I would for sure stay with the one that i love..... Especially if he's coming around. I would rather work on problems with the man that owns my heart, and i own his. Love is never easy, pain is guaranteed. Relationships take ALOT of work and if both parties feel that all the work is worth it, in the end, the relationship has a good chance of suceeding. On the other hand. WHO knows about this other man that is claiming to be in love with you? You NEVER really know a person. It takes soo long to really get to know them. Why would anyone for that matter choose a stranger that claims to love you? He could be fake.. he could be some sociopath stalker who is interested in nothing but what is in your pants.
hotgurl Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I think I would choose neither. I would be alone and find someone who I love and who loves me.
laRubiaBonita Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Is neither an option? Because I wouldn't pick either one. The first scenario - well that's what I call beating a dead horse. There's a lot of backtracking to do and IMO that would require the help of a professional because old habits die hard. The second scenario is not even a question. I used to think it was possible to be involved with someone I was not in love with, but it really isn't. IME, anyways. Ditto... me an B_O have similar track minds!
persistant Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 This question should evoke responses that I am very curious to see. When it really comes down to it, What would you do?? To answer this, please try to really put yourself into this situation Would you: Stay with the man who you was once so deeply in love with, but have been hurt so much by him that your heart is almost broken, and just when you decided that you couldnt take it anymore, he finally starts to show you the love and real concern that you always wanted, but it is so slow going and with many minor but still a little hurtful setbacks that you are almost afraid to hope it is real? Or.... Would you: Go with a man who was obviously so in love with you, would do anything for you, give you all the love you were ever lacking in your life and then some, willing to go to extremes just to have you, has time and patience with your little tests-all the while telling you he knows you are testing him and why, and that you can test him all you want until you feel safe with him,....but....you are not in love with him? You just described my total situation.. Ughh.. Weird. i wont say anymore.
ely Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 This question should evoke responses that I am very curious to see. When it really comes down to it, What would you do?? To answer this, please try to really put yourself into this situation Would you: Stay with the man who you was once so deeply in love with, but have been hurt so much by him that your heart is almost broken, and just when you decided that you couldnt take it anymore, he finally starts to show you the love and real concern that you always wanted, but it is so slow going and with many minor but still a little hurtful setbacks that you are almost afraid to hope it is real Or.... Would you: Go with a man who was obviously so in love with you, would do anything for you, give you all the love you were ever lacking in your life and then some, willing to go to extremes just to have you, has time and patience with your little tests-all the while telling you he knows you are testing him and why, and that you can test him all you want until you feel safe with him,....but....you are not in love with him? I am going through the same situation and it confuses the heck out of me... I have no answer, I am also curious as to what everyone else would do...
Author typical Posted December 13, 2006 Author Posted December 13, 2006 What if I were to clarify it a tad? Would it make a difference? Lets say that both men are complete opposites... The guy in the first scenario is selfish and ignores you most of the time. When he does talk to you it is to ask you for things you can do for him. You got the creepy feeling that he wasnt really "there" most of the time, it was as if you barely registered on his radar, there was no real concern, not even in little ways such as if you sneezed, wouldnt "bless you" or if you woke in the nite coughing because you were sick with a cold, wouldnt wake up and at least ask you whats wrong, patted your back, or asked you if you wanted some water. Yet the minute he showed signs of duress you were there to comfort him. You got the feeling that this relationship had the attitude of "every man for himself" and it was creepy. Then he changes and is becoming way more aware and loving, attentive, but its still a far cry from how it should be, but at least he is trying, right? It was everything you could have hoped for, but there is still such a long road ahead. You have a history of a few years with him, pain, and heartache as well. He was also the only man you have ever loved. Guy in the second scenario you have known for about a year, lets say. His take on not being in love with someone is this: "If you let down your guard and opened up a little more, wasnt so focused on guy one and his scenario, and devoted time to me, and you were open to recieve the tremendous love I have to offer, you just might, in time, fall in love with me" "after all, no one really starts out in relationships loving each other, it usually grows on you until one day you realize that you actually do love that person...isnt that how all relationships start out"? Lets say that although you are not in love with guy two, but you are extremely attracted to him. You just described my total situation.. Ughh.. Weird. i wont say anymore Glad I could help.
laRubiaBonita Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 i would still say neither. guy #1 treats me like crap.... unless he feels like doing otherwise, and i do not allow people to continually disrespect me. guy #2, although he would be a great guy for someone, if i am not feeling him, i will feel guilty for keeping him hanging on to some pipe dream.
Art_Critic Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Why would you want either guy ? I personally wouldn't want to be either guy.. You need to let both of these guys go and find someone that you can love and that loves you back as well as you respect and he respects you back.. It seems to me that you are missing the respect issue in both scenarios..
hotgurl Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I agree with Bonita. Guy #2 seems nice and caring but if it isn't there it's not there. Are you even attracted to guy #2? Guy #1 sounds like an a$$. also it is easy to change for a short time. It for the long haul that thier true personalities show. And I would say two years and treating a person like that is really his personality. Plus after being treated liek crap for two years a person could have so much resentment and hurt feelings that it is impossible to continue in the relationship in a healthy way. Why be with someone? why not be alone. Heal take time to yourself and than find soemone who treats you well and you love.
Author typical Posted December 13, 2006 Author Posted December 13, 2006 You need to let both of these guys go and find someone that you can love and that loves you back as well as you respect and he respects you back.. Art, I believe either you are missing the point or perhaps I failed to include that it was possible for the girl to fall in love with the guy in scenario two, if all of this was to take place: "If you let down your guard and opened up a little more, wasnt so focused on guy one and his scenario, and devoted time to me, and you were open to recieve the tremendous love I have to offer, you just might, in time, fall in love with me" "after all, no one really starts out in relationships loving each other, it usually grows on you until one day you realize that you actually do love that person...isnt that how all relationships start out"? How often do you find yourself in love with someone that you just started dating? These things usually take time and patience, dont they?
Author typical Posted December 13, 2006 Author Posted December 13, 2006 Hotgurl, your answer: Guy #2 seems nice and caring but if it isn't there it's not there. Are you even attracted to guy #2? Lets say that although you are not in love with guy two, but you are extremely attracted to him. It would be rather easy to fall in love with someone like him.
hotgurl Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Hotgurl, your answer: It would be rather easy to fall in love with someone like him. Ok I missed that point. So attracted to guy#2 but not in love with him. Well love does come in time. have you even dated guy #2 or are just freinds? I would kick guy #1 to the curb and take things very slowly with guy#2. And make it clear to guy#2 that you are going slow. My friend has just gotten out of a 6years relationship her ex was basically like guy#1 and hse immediatly jumped into a relationship which was a mistake because even though her ex treated her badly she deeply lovevd him and was not over him at all when she started dating this guy. she rushed into a new relationship when her head wasn't on straight and her heart wasn't healed fromt he first relationship. It was a big mistake. I say break up with guy#1 take some time to heal and get your head on straigth and than maybe see about guy#2. Why not just be alone for a while?
laRubiaBonita Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Guy in the second scenario you have known for about a year, lets say. Lets say that although you are not in love with guy two, but you are extremely attracted to him. How often do you find yourself in love with someone that you just started dating? These things usually take time and patience, dont they? i would think a years worth of time i would know if i were in love with someone or not. it sound like you are not, but #2 seems soo good how could you not be? maybe that is what you are struggling with, not wanting to close him off as an option, even though it seems it will not happen for you anyways.
Art_Critic Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Art, I believe either you are missing the point or perhaps I failed to include that it was possible for the girl to fall in love with the guy in scenario two, if all of this was to take place: How often do you find yourself in love with someone that you just started dating? These things usually take time and patience, dont they? I understand what you are saying.. it does take time for some of us to take down our walls.. But as long as 2 guys are in the picture you will never let that happen.. in order for you to drop your guard and be vulnerable to the guy that loves you and you can fall in love with you must remove the other guy from your life.. The girl I'm dating right now started dropping her guard after about 2.5 months of dating.. I think she is under my spell now..:-) of course I am also under hers too... Letting yourself be vulnerable to another can be a great feeling.... It is the feeling of falling in love
Lostgurl Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I agree with Bonita. Guy #2 seems nice and caring but if it isn't there it's not there. Are you even attracted to guy #2? Guy #1 sounds like an a$$. also it is easy to change for a short time. It for the long haul that thier true personalities show. And I would say two years and treating a person like that is really his personality. Plus after being treated liek crap for two years a person could have so much resentment and hurt feelings that it is impossible to continue in the relationship in a healthy way. Why be with someone? why not be alone. Heal take time to yourself and than find soemone who treats you well and you love. OMG
persistant Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 What if I were to clarify it a tad? Would it make a difference? Lets say that both men are complete opposites... The guy in the first scenario is selfish and ignores you most of the time. When he does talk to you it is to ask you for things you can do for him. You got the creepy feeling that he wasnt really "there" most of the time, it was as if you barely registered on his radar, there was no real concern, not even in little ways such as if you sneezed, wouldnt "bless you" or if you woke in the nite coughing because you were sick with a cold, wouldnt wake up and at least ask you whats wrong, patted your back, or asked you if you wanted some water. Yet the minute he showed signs of duress you were there to comfort him. You got the feeling that this relationship had the attitude of "every man for himself" and it was creepy. Then he changes and is becoming way more aware and loving, attentive, but its still a far cry from how it should be, but at least he is trying, right? It was everything you could have hoped for, but there is still such a long road ahead. You have a history of a few years with him, pain, and heartache as well. He was also the only man you have ever loved. Guy in the second scenario you have known for about a year, lets say. His take on not being in love with someone is this: "If you let down your guard and opened up a little more, wasnt so focused on guy one and his scenario, and devoted time to me, and you were open to recieve the tremendous love I have to offer, you just might, in time, fall in love with me" "after all, no one really starts out in relationships loving each other, it usually grows on you until one day you realize that you actually do love that person...isnt that how all relationships start out"? Lets say that although you are not in love with guy two, but you are extremely attracted to him. Glad I could help. You still described my situation..... OMG sounds like your in my life.. Lets put it this way. Your description of #1 (to a T) I am disconnecting from because my spirit is starving. #2 I'm not doing much right now other then accepting and enjoying what he gives me because I've been alone and lonely for so long I need my soul taken care of. It's been battered enough. Time will tell here.
blind_otter Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 With the extra information I would say that guy#1 doesn't deserve any more of your time. Unless like some women you have a thing for emotionally unavailable men and that may explain why there is an attraction but lack of deeper feelings for guy #2. Maybe you should explore why you can't open up to guy #2 more.
persistant Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 With the extra information I would say that guy#1 doesn't deserve any more of your time. Unless like some women you have a thing for emotionally unavailable men and that may explain why there is an attraction but lack of deeper feelings for guy #2. Maybe you should explore why you can't open up to guy #2 more. I am doing exactly this.... Exactly, my councelor is helping me with this as well as some good friends who are genuine and not friends taking from me.
My Fair Katie Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 What if I were to clarify it a tad? Would it make a difference? Not to me. Guy 1 still sounds a bit like a jerk, though to be honest I may stick around a bit to see if his recent change in behavior is sincere. And the reason for guy 2 is in your "further explanation." Guy in the second scenario you have known for about a year, lets say. His take on not being in love with someone is this: "If you let down your guard and opened up a little more, wasnt so focused on guy one and his scenario, and devoted time to me, and you were open to recieve the tremendous love I have to offer, you just might, in time, fall in love with me" "after all, no one really starts out in relationships loving each other, it usually grows on you until one day you realize that you actually do love that person...isnt that how all relationships start out"? Lets say that although you are not in love with guy two, but you are extremely attracted to him. I have a problem with guys who say that kinda crap to women who are IN relationships. It rubs me the wrong way. In fact that whole paragraph was sorta creepy. I don't mean to offend, it's just for me, BOTH men would come up wicked short as far as what I would want from a man with whom I'm involved.
Author typical Posted December 13, 2006 Author Posted December 13, 2006 Persistant, even your user name describes the situation....was extremely persistant with guy 1, tried everything in my power to get him to see the light, and still to no avail.... It is like he is a withered husk.... I constantly felt like I was living with a ghost...absolutely zero recognition..it was creepy.... I am disconnecting from because my spirit is starving. I could not have described it better myself. as far as 2 goes: I'm not doing much right now other then accepting and enjoying what he gives me because I've been alone and lonely for so long I need my soul taken care of. It's been battered enough. same thing here... I've been alone and lonely for so long I need my soul taken care of. It's been battered enough Which might have been my subconcious reason for gravitating towards 2 to begin with.... It hurts to have your dreams shattered night after night... Whats more, how can guy 1 still honestly say that he love me, wants to be with me always and will never let me leave, but still behave in that atrocious manner???? and of course guy 2 looks like a gem..for now...we all have our own secret flaws and agendas of course...
Author typical Posted December 13, 2006 Author Posted December 13, 2006 I have a problem with guys who say that kinda crap to women who are IN relationships. It rubs me the wrong way. In fact that whole paragraph was sorta creepy. I don't mean to offend, it's just for me, BOTH men would come up wicked short as far as what I would want from a man with whom I'm involved. And therein lies the problem, the crux of the matter.... have a problem with guys who say that kinda crap to women who are IN relationships. It rubs me the wrong way I know I dont have to be with anybody..and when I do leave guy 1, trust me, its not to delve right into guy 2....I have told him that...but..he seems so..sincere...and also that he knows of the entire situation might possibly be why he is so adamant on his feelings....has agreed to take it slow, but.. Maybe you should explore why you can't open up to guy #2 more. That is an excellent idea, Otter, but I am scared to do that because I am trying to stay slightly uninvolved...dont want to get hurt, dont want to trust again, wounded soul and all that dramatic mess...
norajane Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Whats more, how can guy 1 still honestly say that he love me, wants to be with me always and will never let me leave, but still behave in that atrocious manner???? Because some people might say love, and even believe they're in love, but they don't have a clue on how to love. Love is a verb - if their actions don't show love, if they're not acting in a loving way, then does it really matter if they say they love you? You still end up being treated like crap.
persistant Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Persistant, even your user name describes the situation....was extremely persistant with guy 1, tried everything in my power to get him to see the light, and still to no avail.... It is like he is a withered husk.... I constantly felt like I was living with a ghost...absolutely zero recognition..it was creepy.... Exactly why I chose the screen name Persistant. He (guy 1) says he admires my persistance. My persistance is stubborness of not letting go which causes me longer pain then what others say should. Its my life and I need to go through my trials at my speed and with my experience. Not what others tell me I should do. It hurts to have your dreams shattered night after night... Whats more, how can guy 1 still honestly say that he love me, wants to be with me always and will never let me leave, but still behave in that atrocious manner???? Well I dont hear the I love you's but I do get the gentle, tender, loving caresses, eye contact, and affection. I hear from him that he cares about me and is concerned about me. (doesn't really show it in his actions of having time for me--only words over the phone and in his touch when he is with me.) Yet the rest of him just suffocates my soul (suffocation is lonelyness). I see I have been so focused on all the wonderful and good traits he has including his amazingly gorgous face and his body movements makes my knees weak.. His inability to put importance on me, his inability to make time for me more often, his inability to show he cares for me when I'm sick or hurting was pure hell. I held onto hope. I held onto dreams. My persistance was creating soo much discomfort in me and I'm finally at my wits end and I can't do this anymore. Holding onto hope and being persitant is creating too much damage in me. I am realizing he is different then me--either by choice, by brokeness or habit. I can't wait. I can't continue to expose myself to such loneliness. Heres a way to describe the situation: I'm a starving dog. He feeds me scraps of himself in which I devoure in desperation. Only, I'm left still hungry and craving, wanting and yearning for more because he doesn't feed me enough to sustain me till the next time. I can't survive that way anymore. I have to break the chain that binds me and go in search of better food so II'm not starving. I have been blind and tied by my desires and the little good I get isnt enough to keep me alive and well. and of course guy 2 looks like a gem..for now...we all have our own secret flaws and agendas of course... guy 2 for me is a gem--- but, guy 1 was first in my life and I left unresolved issues with him due to my impatience and immaturity. I left the relationship in haste due to my pride and also because I didn't let myself have closure. So when I realized the backdoor of my life was open to him still and I couldn't cloe it due to my unresolved feelings of wanting him I moved face-first (so-to-speak) and put my best foot forward with him working every angle I could until now. I am at the line. I have crossed the bridge with him and I'm ready to step off the other side and onto the road. The gasoline and match are ready to be poured and lit.. NEVER to go back again in this place in my life. I have learned that he will never please me, satisfy me, or give me what I need to be sustained in a relationship. With him I will always yearn, starve and want more more more... We are not compatable for the long haul. I admit the attraction and desire is very very strong. He is a good guy in most ways. Yet he and I arent walking the same path. We don't have the same destiny. Our souls dont' desire the same in each other. I had to come to this conclusion myself. No one could convince me of it until I went through what I did in order to understand. I had to take that bridge and cross it myself by getting more experience with him to understand and accept letting go. Believe me its not easy giving up on a dream, want, hope and wish. Guy 1 is charming, good looking, sexy, can be very sweet and understanding, has many qualities and traits I want in a man but his inability to be available and his inability to do part of the work in the relatiosship is severly lacking. I have to let go for my health sake and my future happiness. When the time is right you too will understand this. You will choose to let go and you will accept it when that time comes. Sometimes we I think we need to be a little more of a glutton for punishment then others and in different situations. No two people handle situations exactly alike. We each have our own tolerance levels and time frames. When that line is crossed and the time frame comes to an end we finally move on and make our choice.. My road has not been easy and many people have been frustrated with me because I havent done what they know, see or believe is best. They are not me. I am me and I have to do what is best for me on my time frame and I have to endure my pain repeatedly until I have had enough and I'm at that place. I can wish him well and wish the best for him. I can give him that peice of my heart back in which he got and I can move forward with healing and cut myself free of him.. This is where I'm at.. I am at the end of acceptance.. I have been on this roller coaster too long.. My pain and suffering has come to its limit of tolerance.
Recommended Posts