I need some answers

[ssstrider]

I Need some advice. My Girlfriend was pysically abused in a seven year marriage. It was so bad that he actually got two years in jail for what he did to her. She also lived with her great aunt who she thought was her mother till she died when my girlfriend was 11, then the family told her that this isnt your real mother and put her in foster homes.

 

Well I didn't know this when I met her, it came out well after we were together. Our relationship was like a fairy tale, we got along perfectly, even after she told me I was very supportive and told her to do what ever she wanted, go to school or what ever makes her happy, she always seemed so happy and when i asked her she said she was happy.

 

After about 5 months in our relationship she wanted to go back home to send some of her stuff out. I said sure and she was going for a week. During the week she e-mailed and called me every day to tell me she missed me, and I did the same. The last day she sent a e-mail saying she wasnt coming back because she missed her family.

 

After about a week we started to talk on line, then eventually I was able to convince her to talk to me on the phone , after another week she decided to come back, but only for awhile. When she did come back with in hours she was back to her usual self, happy as can be at least as it seemed. she told me that the main reason is she was scared of some doctors tests she had to go through.

 

then months went by and we bought a house and she seemed very happy. Till one day she sent a gift to her step dad (she made contact with mum when she was 20) they never called her or thanked her. I could tell she was upset with this. I told her to go visit and see why they acted the way they did. So she went what I thought was going to be for a week. She was there for no longer then a day and she called saying her family doesn't approve of our relationship. So she had to respect her family and that she broke down when she was there and she was going to go to a psychiatrist. I told her that I very much cared for her and wanted her back, but if this was what was going to ease her pain then I respect her decision.

 

She called me and said she was coming to get her stuff. I said no problem. She came and after helping her pack, she hugged me and cried and said it is not our relationship, our relationship was great, and she very much cared for me. But she couldn't get rid of the pain inside. I told her I very much cared for her and this place would always be her home. She said she needed some therapy and git rid of the demons. I told her since I know you have no money, that I would pay for it, anything to make her happy. she resisted the help untill i insisted. Since then she has only called me once, I asked her if she missed me and she said yes.

 

I know her parents are telling her to stay away from me, cause if I try and phone they just say she is not here very rudely. I am not sure what I should do, I have heard that abused women do what is called the yo you effect. and will keep running back to me, because i was a safe haven. However I do not want to keep going through this, but I also do not want to leave her cause she is ill, I care to much for her. We had such a perfect relationship.

 

Please give me any advice at all

[notmakingsense]

I have no experience with abused women, but it sounds like the only thing you can do is recognize that you cannot control everything, including this situation. She has to be the one that comes to you. She knows you love her and want her back. She may not be ready for a real relationship yet, or she may be unhealthy enough to stand against her family's wishes -- either way, she isn't ready.

 

Don't try to pull her back, she will run away. Be patient, wait, when she reaches out, let her know you love her and that you will support her no matter what her decision.

 

This will be very hard for you to do, and you will have to decide how long you are willing to wait. After some time, it may not make sense -- at which time you will need to try to move on.

[ssstrider]

yes I have pulled back, and have not contacted her at all. I never did to try and control her in anyway. I told her to do as she pleases and i would support her. This isn't about the relationship anymore just her well being. I have been told by many to run, but i will always be a friend to her, I wont run from someone who is ill in anyway

[ssstrider]

not making sense....i want you to know that your response ..has made the most sense to me...you start out saying you have no expierince, however. from all the replies on all the different forums I have been on, Yours wast the best and I thank you for that. I seen a physcologist about my situstion, and you almosted quoted him word for word. It was the confirmation of your thoughts that made this easier...again thank you

[notmakingsense]

ssstrider -- Glad I could help! Keep posting whenever you need to.

[Guest]

this has been the best 24 hours in a long time

 

please know i am always there for u

 

and will help and support in any way i can

 

i know u love me and that i love u

 

but what is important - right now IS YOU

 

thank you for the courage and strength to do this with me today

 

i will always be yer man, and i will not date anyone because i don't want to

 

i am yer friend, your man, lover, and i believe in you

 

there is no need to provide me with any other information

 

get well, take meds, lean on me however for support

 

rely on the self respect you used to leave me

 

do not let your friends, family your past have greater influence than yourself

 

u are a wonderful woman and this world deserves a health C.A.G

 

we must stop this focus on what happened and just narrow it to yer health [i know u have dental, IBS, as well]

 

kissing your lips softly just as our first kiss

 

be kind to yerself

 

love

 

g

[Guest]

I think you are a very understanding person...and probibly have alot of expirience with this.....I wish i could send her this . But she has no internet where she is now

[ssstrider]

Well its been 12 days since I last heard from her. I am hoping when she opens all the gifts I gave her, it will trigger some emotion. I have not at all tried to contantact her. Right now I am hoping she is continued with her therapy. I know her parents right now are in control of the situation, and it was said best by NOT MAKING SENSE thread, she is probably not healthy enough to resist them.

 

The hardest thing is figureing out how long a person should wait. You read all kinds of posts that say anywhere from a few weeks to months. I am doing my own things ..keeping active. It is not so miuch the relationship I am concerned about, but her health is most important, and I am not sure her mum is the right person for this, While she was getting abused buy her husband her mother never had any thing to do with her. I know her mother likes her around because tammy does everything for her.

 

However like I was told several times I cant control the situation, she will have to see it for her self. I really dont know her parents these are just a few things that tammy told me in the past. I jus dont undersatnd how a person who has been through so much, then comes into a relationship where she is so happy (at least as it seemed) would want to leave that. she had full control of her life here, I gave her all the options to go to school for anything she wanted, to just stay home and go get counciling if she wanted, if she wanted to work, i told her go for it, make sure its a job you enjoy. well im dwelling cant change the past....but maybe i can change my future

[notmakingsense]

I know this is tough for you, especially with the holidays approaching.

 

Instead of thinking about what she and her family are doing, try focusing your attention on your friends, career/school, hobbies. If you can fill up your mind and attention on these things, it will make the time that passes by more bearable and it will make you a better person.

 

Things with her may or may not change during that period, but you will have learned to live your life independantly from her and will be more prepared to form a new relationship if she is still not ready.

[Guest]

my 2 cents

 

i am in the same situation and the reasons given here are the very reasons i worry about her, and keep trying because i was in the same situation and having parents make decisions for u when u are a child is great but when u are an adult and they are seniors the gap between generations really causes more problems than helps. see, even time i asked my parents for some support, they never listen to WHAT I WAS SAYING and did what they thought they knew was best for me - and every time it was another disaster that i had to dig out from until i finally told them to LEAVE ME ALONE.

 

and since then i've done more in 3 weeks, then they did trying to help in 3 months and that's why i keep asking this woman to let me back in - because i probably know her better than anyone living and coulf help her recovery and do so faster than she probably imagines - but in the end this is her choice, her decision to make and i respect her enuff to not cross that line. see, when someone tells u that, u want to do this just because u care and love and only want her to be healthy - people dono't believe that can be true but it really is - see, its only when she is healthy will she be able to determine if a relationship with or without me is something she wants. you can make that call when you are not well, and nobody wants that, so i hope that helps make things clear.

[ssstrider]

well..im off to families place...hardest christmas i ever had, But I have came to the realization if i dont here from her now, then it will never be. I have not contacted her either. thank you everyone for your input. it has been extremly helpful, it always is good to here opinions, of sometimes similar expieriences, its been very theraputic for me. Again thanks

[ssstrider]

I know I shouldnt have but I did, I tried to call her to thank her for christmas gifts. I just felt with low self esteme she has, Maybe it would open the door a bit at least as friendship, and I would be someone to talk too. But her mum answered the phone, and told me not to call anymore,

 

Ugg that frustrated me, at least if tammy would have done it herself, I told her mum that she was abusing her by inabling her. And to quit trying to be a mum to a 35 year old....you were never there before in her life why are you trying to mother her now. Well it ended with you call here again I am calling my lawyer.....I know i shoulnt have called, now i just gave the mother more amunition against me.