He's as cold as ice

[mum2three]

Take a new spin on this calculated risk. He is wanting to come back. Make new terms for the both of you that you can feel like it is a win-win. Otherwise, he may feel like he is inferior and always begging or on-edge and you feel resentful.

 

Defintely go to MC. Many of us r still doing the one-sided thing. At least you have 3months to think and he has some time to work on himself so try not to slip back into the old routines that didn't work.

 

You're a tough gal. I would miss u on the bb but do let us know what is going on.

 

Warmest wishes for a happy marriage and renewed family life! (Don't think I ever wished anyone that but it seems appropriate here. )

[anna13]

Take a new spin on this calculated risk. He is wanting to come back. Make new terms for the both of you that you can feel like it is a win-win. Otherwise, he may feel like he is inferior and always begging or on-edge and you feel resentful.

 

Defintely go to MC. Many of us r still doing the one-sided thing. At least you have 3months to think and he has some time to work on himself so try not to slip back into the old routines that didn't work.

 

You're a tough gal. I would miss u on the bb but do let us know what is going on.

 

Warmest wishes for a happy marriage and renewed family life! (Don't think I ever wished anyone that but it seems appropriate here. )

thank you so much . yes we have talked about changes that will make things better, but we still have issues that we definitly need to improve on. a scary thing but worth a try . he definitly isnt begging to come back ( that would be nice though lol ) but he definitly said he misses us and wants to come back. Thank You again for your wishes , and I'll still be around here . Happy New Year to you and everyone here at LS

[anna13]

just when i thought things were going well , feels like someone just flipped the swicth and right back to pain. I had a breakdown with my H today . he met us for dinner "his idea" i asked him if he loved me during dinner, I was just feeling playfull , he kinda just ignored me the first few times. so i started to get annoyed, so I asked him again and then i asked what is the deal here? why arent you responding ? then he said kinda quickly .. yea yea I love you . well sorry people but what the hell was that? so i was like what is the problem here? he said you starting and argument is the problem , I said what argument i just asked you a question ... he said yea how many times? I am like you dint answer me so i asked again ,then he was angry wanted to leave . so i took him home even though he wanted to catch the bus again .

when we got to his place , i was talking to him oputside the car and I had a complete meltdown , just told him i missed him and why is it so bad to ask my H if he loves me ?? why? I shouldnt even have to ask , why is it it that you find it so hard to just say hey I Love you and I mean it. he said that i was just annoying he said he loved me and he is too old to be playing these games.. I am like what games?? what are you talking about? then he told me that it makes him think twice about moving back in with me . so i really became heartbroken then. in the end he told me to relax and that he still wanted to move back in with me and he just doesnt want me to cluster his head ( annoy him ) when he needs to have a clear head for work . and he said he hopes that i leave him alone when he comes back when he gets annoyed. ...

I tell you as sad as I am at these words that came out of his mouth I asked myself , Do I really Love this guy , do I want to be with someone who is this way ? the answer is really no . no I dont . He is loosing his mind . I try to understand but I dont. I try to be patient but I am loosing patience. my toddler adores my H , i feel awfull , my H says he misses us and he does Love us and he just feels like he doesnt have to say it more than once. how retarded. i tried hard not to nag him , but i was hurt so I gues i messed everything up big time today . but at the same time so did he. so now I am just hurt again ,lonely again . he is saying mean things again like he will call in a few days , and he said he doesnt really miss me because i annoy him . what an arrogant piece of S*$%, I tell you . when i got home i was in tears after putting my toddler to sleep . i thought to myself , do I really want him to move back in here? do I ? thougths of divorce and the future entered my mind. Do I miss my H or do I just miss having a guy to lay my head on his shoulder. someone to talk to . someone to lean on . I have no family , and have really no really close friends. i have my kids and my H . I hate my H for this , I just really hate him. I dont think he has any idea how much resentment i have for him at this point.

he says i overthink things, do I ? am I the one who is crazy here? I dont think so , my little crying spell in front of him was a bit much but what am I supposed to do when i feel so sad? he is supposed to be my H the one i can lean on , I am really confused. I still want him to move back in with us but my resentment is so much , i wonder sometimes,. even if he is wanting to work things out , will I eventually just not want to be with him anymore? I asked him if he would marry me again if he had to do it all over , he said no .... ok ..no . wow ~ that hurt. but when i thought about it would i marry him again ... no ... probobly not. so why am i so mad at him right? he said that us being married now is what matters. i am so confused and i know i sure sound confused. maybe i shouldnt over analyze this . he said he was annoyed , maybe i was pushing to much .. i am just really hurt myself right now . i called him back on the way home he sounded ok , soudned like he was trying to be patient with me. he did say he did Love me . I think i am going crazy , I do . sometimes i think crazy things like , what if a wonderfull guy were to enter my life , would I leave my H ? isnt that nuts? that would have never entered my mind before. Sorry i am just really hurt right now. I dont know what to think anymore.

[PWSX3]

Do I miss my H or do I just miss having a guy to lay my head on his shoulder. someone to talk to . someone to lean on . I have no family , and have really no really close friends. i have my kids and my H . I my H for this , I just really him. I dont think he has any idea how much resentment i have for him at this point.

These are VERY GOOD questions that you have to ask yourself, you have to be happy with yourself.

I know in my own experience when my W moved out I was scared to , not because she moved out but because I didn't know how to be on my own. I still don't know if I'm comfortable with it but it's been 5 months and I do know I can live on my own.

Maybe a lot of it is you are scared of being alone and that is something you need to work on.

 

As for not having many friends I read friends just don't come up to you and say; I want to be your friend. You have to earn a friend and that means going out, meeting new people and letting them get to know you, but in order for them to see you there is one big thing you need to do and that is be happy with yourself and I really do believe you spend to much energy worrying about your H and not spending that energy on yourself. (This has also been a battle for me, but I'm slowly winning)

 

We all want to feel loved and when there has been someone in your life that loved you it's hard to let that go.

 

I know it's hard if you have little ones at home, but try and get out, meet new people, it does help. Maybe even take up a new hobby, you never know where it will lead to.

[anna13]

yes definitly asking myself those questions . he talked me today like another person , said he didnt mean to talk to me like that... yea ~ ok whatever right ... I am stil angry.

we spent the last few years moving around . we moved back to my home state , the friends i had here werent really my friends at all , found out the hard way . a girl i considered one of my closest friends turned on me when i started to have problems in my marriage . she seemed to almost savor it . like she was sharpening her knife for years before she put it in my back. anyway that is another story but we have since then agreed to break all ties with each other and i dont regret it. I dont have too many friends because i have been moving around so much , but I have been in the last few months started talking to people and gotten to know a few women at the park . I am a very social person . I love people . I hoep to make more new friends in the future. It is hard though , because of my current situation , it is tough . hard to keep a smile on my face sometimes. but i have and will continue to try to make friends

I really do believe you spend to much energy worrying about your H and not spending that energy on yourself.

I agree with that , i spend way to much time stressing about my husband or my teenager. I am tired , sometimes life doesnt feel normal . Luckily I have a really great friend in the mainland i keep in touch with , she keeps me on the ground. i am thankfull she is in my life. without her I dont know what i would do.

it is just frustrating when i try so hard and then my H just blurts out hurtfull things without a thought in the world. I said alot of things out of anger yesterday in my post . but those questions i will keep asking and thiking about them . maybe I will see things more clearly as time moves on .

[anna13]

by the way , Thank You PWSX3 , for your supportive words .

[brokenhearted29]

Hi anna,

What was so hard about saying yes i love you. I dont understand why he made a big deal about that. I think with your situation he owes that to you. He is the reason why you are both going through this right now. And he wants to move back in but cant show affection to you. I'm not sure if I would let him move back in just yet. It seems like he just blows up for no reason. Is he unhappy with himself. Just forget him right now. You are doing so good and you dont need him to screw it up. I know what you mean about friends. I have a friend that lives around here that i go and hang with occasionaly. My best friend lives in Chicago and i talk to her daily. She helps me get through my situation. I just wish she lived closer to me. And now I have friends online that keep my mind off the situation. Well keep your head up and dont let him bother you.

[anna13]

yea , 2 months till he moves back in , honestly I am thinking hard about this decision and situation. He does blow up at things that to me , arent that big of a deal. saying that I annoy him , I can be repeticious( spelling? and a bit needy) but definitly I think that he has problems. I dont think he is happy with himself. I have been going to the gym alot , lost about 6 pounds in the last month . I need to improve my health as well as my figure lol ... at least it takes my mind off of all this stress. I know that if i tell him no he is not moving back in it will probobly be over , also if he comes back and we still cant work it out then it will be over. scary thing. I am leaning toward still working on it and letting him move back in . not a surprise I bet to many of you . but there is 2 months to go , so anything could happen , i could completly go the other way and say goodbye to him if it deteriorates. I am hoping that we can work things out for our sake , for my childrens sake. I think about alot of things , I know there is a better man , there is always a better man . today my h and I got into another argument , he said that i was annoying because i was repeating myself and he just wanted me to go away so that he wouldnt snap. I was crushed. I felt at that moment , I can do better. but then he said he didnt the mean things he said . he just doesnt feel like he should have to repeat himself. I think that maybe he has a point but to be so harsh is unnessesary to me . he is just a jerk. the reason i repeat myself is because he minces words and can't spit out a straight answer. thinking of him doesnt give me joy anymore , more like stress. I hate it . hopefully things will get better. I try to prepare myself for divorse just in case it is the next step . but it is difficult . I still will prepare for it . It would help if I had some more friends that i trusted. It would help if I didn't have my toddler's feelings to worry about , but the fact is i cant live in fantasy , regarless of the "if's" the fact is I am alone and will have to deal with this alone , good or bad. It is frightening and crushing. but I will try to keep my head up the best i can.

[PWSX3]

yea , 2 months till he moves back in , honestly I am thinking hard about this decision and situation. He does blow up at things that to me , arent that big of a deal. saying that I annoy him , I can be repeticious( spelling? and a bit needy) but definitly I think that he has problems. I dont think he is happy with himself. I have been going to the gym alot , lost about 6 pounds in the last month . I need to improve my health as well as my figure lol ...

Now this is the kind of stuff you need to be worrying about, yourself. That is awesome that you are going to the gym and doing something for yourself.

 

at least it takes my mind off of all this stress. I know that if i tell him no he is not moving back in it will probobly be over , also if he comes back and we still cant work it out then it will be over. scary thing. I am leaning toward still working on it and letting him move back in . not a surprise I bet to many of you . but there is 2 months to go , so anything could happen , i could completly go the other way and say goodbye to him if it deteriorates. I am hoping that we can work things out for our sake , for my childrens sake. I think about alot of things , I know there is a better man , there is always a better man . today my h and I got into another argument , he said that i was annoying because i was repeating myself and he just wanted me to go away so that he wouldnt snap. I was crushed. I felt at that moment , I can do better. but then he said he didnt the mean things he said . he just doesnt feel like he should have to repeat himself. I think that maybe he has a point but to be so harsh is unnessesary to me . he is just a jerk. the reason i repeat myself is because he minces words and can't spit out a straight answer. thinking of him doesnt give me joy anymore , more like stress. I hate it . hopefully things will get better. I try to prepare myself for divorse just in case it is the next step . but it is difficult . I still will prepare for it . It would help if I had some more friends that i trusted. It would help if I didn't have my toddler's feelings to worry about , but the fact is i cant live in fantasy , regarless of the "if's" the fact is I am alone and will have to deal with this alone , good or bad. It is frightening and crushing. but I will try to keep my head up the best i can.

I feel it would do you some good to get out more, meet some new people and start enjoying yourself for a change. It sounds like you spend way to much time worrying about things that you don't have control over and don't feel bad you aren't the only one that has done that, trust me.

It really feels good to meet new people and let them see you for who you are, not for who you have been.

I read someplace that when we worry so much about the other person then they don't have anything to worry about because we are doing it for them.

Your H doesn't have to worry about "if" he has a place to come back to because you keep telling him he does so he can just do whatever he wants knowing if things don't work out or if I get bored I can always go back.

 

At first when my W moved out I thought I had to do everything to get her back, but now I am starting to think she is going to have to show me that I need her back. Sure at first I thought most of what was going on was my fault, but now I see it's both of ours and I admit I wasn't the best H but I'm trying to change that and she will have to as well, we can't be the same people coming back into the relationship or things will just fall back to what they were.

[Delarocha]

At first when my W moved out I thought I had to do everything to get her back, but now I am starting to think she is going to have to show me that I need her back. Sure at first I thought most of what was going on was my fault, but now I see it's both of ours and I admit I wasn't the best H but I'm trying to change that and she will have to as well, we can't be the same people coming back into the relationship or things will just fall back to what they were.

 

PWSX3, this is an excellent point. My wife will be moving out Feb 15th, and to be completely honest as the date approaches my heart hurts more and more. Although I logically know this is BOTH our faults, I feel I am taking a lot more of the blame. Maybe because I am finally changing and she is basically running as fast as she can, I feel cheated. I look forward to the day I am glad she left. I know I will be a better person, I know I will be happy, so that day MUST come... because I haven't been happy in a long time.

 

Do you hope for your wife and you to get back together? I just know I will be in a similar situation soon, and don't know what to think. On one hand I say, "Why are we just separating if she KNOWS this will end in divorce?... Does she in fact KNOW?... "

 

Living life without hope is sad, but having unrealistic expectations is worse. I am caught in this web of how I actually feel, and to what extent I should try to protect myself by emotionally turning some things off (or down).

 

Just wondering your take on it PWSX3.

[PWSX3]

PWSX3, this is an excellent point. My wife will be moving out Feb 15th, and to be completely honest as the date approaches my heart hurts more and more. Although I logically know this is BOTH our faults, I feel I am taking a lot more of the blame. Maybe because I am finally changing and she is basically running as fast as she can, I feel cheated. I look forward to the day I am glad she left. I know I will be a better person, I know I will be happy, so that day MUST come... because I haven't been happy in a long time.

 

Do you hope for your wife and you to get back together? I just know I will be in a similar situation soon, and don't know what to think. On one hand I say, "Why are we just separating if she KNOWS this will end in divorce?... Does she in fact KNOW?... "

To be honest I'm not sure at this time. I see how much I have changed, how happy I am starting to be (yes I'm happy) and the few times me & the W get together or have talked it just seems like she is still just the same person. I do know she is good at bringing out the bad in me, or the faults I have and then we ping pong off of each other but I'm getting better at seeing it and doing what I can to not pong back at her.

I still need to work on listening because the last time we were together she was "telling" me she couldn't afford our sons school bill and I was still trying to figure out her problem instead of listening to what she said.

 

Living life without hope is sad, but having unrealistic expectations is worse. I am caught in this web of how I actually feel, and to what extent I should try to protect myself by emotionally turning some things off (or down).

 

Just wondering your take on it PWSX3.

You shouldn't have to live without hope, that is a choice you have. It might not be with your W but it is something you have control over. When my W moved out she was so far gone from our relationship being at home there was NO WAY she could work or see how we could be together again. I feel she doesn't really want a divorce but she wasn't happy with how things were so she needed to move out to get her thoughts straight, but what it did was wake me up (along with a few hits from a 2x4 from friends) and let me see what I was doing wrong and that "I NEEDED TO CHANGE" and not just for her but for me to be happy with myself.

 

Believe me, when you worry so much about the other person you have a lot of stress you don't have to have, but learning this just comes with the process and time and you will also find this out.

 

Don't think of the separation as a bad thing, use it to better yourself and be positive and you will be surprised what will happen.

[Delarocha]

You shouldn't have to live without hope, that is a choice you have. It might not be with your W but it is something you have control over. When my W moved out she was so far gone from our relationship being at home there was NO WAY she could work or see how we could be together again. I feel she doesn't really want a divorce but she wasn't happy with how things were so she needed to move out to get her thoughts straight, but what it did was wake me up (along with a few hits from a 2x4 from friends) and let me see what I was doing wrong and that "I NEEDED TO CHANGE" and not just for her but for me to be happy with myself.

 

Believe me, when you worry so much about the other person you have a lot of stress you don't have to have, but learning this just comes with the process and time and you will also find this out.

 

Don't think of the separation as a bad thing, use it to better yourself and be positive and you will be surprised what will happen.

 

 

Wow, our situations are more alike than I thought. My wife is (like yours was) so far gone from our relationship that her staying here is simply not an option. She feels she is so worried about my feelings and that she is feeling pressure, guilt, etc. and will NEVER be able to think about herself and better herself while she is here. I don't truly think she wants divorce, or we'd just be filing now for a divorce, but is tired of living in what she sees as a "loveless" marriage. We do love each other, but her love is more of a caring for a friend kind of love. I can't speculate on what the future will hold. When she finally does work on herself it may be that we both discover we just cannot be with one another.

 

Right now I am dead set on bettering myself regardless of the outcome. I am finally DOING things to make myself happy, without wondering how they will impact my W. That said, I don't think I have the ability to FULLY do this with her here. The focus for me is no longer trying to save any part of our marriage, but to better myself, and yes... leave the door open for communication. I know in a way this is holding on, but her moving out is a way of letting go...

 

Oh well, confusing... but each day/hour that passes I feel more and more like this is the right choice for now.

[PWSX3]

Wow, our situations are more alike than I thought. My wife is (like yours was) so far gone from our relationship that her staying here is simply not an option. She feels she is so worried about my feelings and that she is feeling pressure, guilt, etc. and will NEVER be able to think about herself and better herself while she is here. I don't truly think she wants divorce, or we'd just be filing now for a divorce, but is tired of living in what she sees as a "loveless" marriage. We do love each other, but her love is more of a caring for a friend kind of love. I can't speculate on what the future will hold. When she finally does work on herself it may be that we both discover we just cannot be with one another.

My W still tells me she cares for me & she does love me as a friend but when she moved out we had a good talk and it confused her some because she thought her, just being a carrying person was getting in her way of her thoughts. Yes our situations do sound a lot a like and it also sounds like you are on the right path.

Right now I am set on bettering myself regardless of the outcome. I am finally DOING things to make myself happy, without wondering how they will impact my W. That said, I don't think I have the ability to FULLY do this with her here. The focus for me is no longer trying to save any part of our marriage, but to better myself, and yes... leave the door open for communication. I know in a way this is holding on, but her moving out is a way of letting go...

Bro, this is the only thing a person can do and that is better themselves and worry about what they are doing and this has been a big eye opener for me. Sure it hasn't been easy and you will make mistakes, but learn from those mistakes and keep moving forward.

Like you said, be friendly with the W, but do things that you would like to do. Now is the time to try doing something you have always wanted to do.

 

There is a lake that I have always wanted to hike up to, but whenever we drove by (it's like 3 hours away) it I used the W as an excuse. I didn't want her having to set in the car for 3 hours while I hiked it. I knew the W wouldn't do it with me so I used that as an excuse but I feel it was me holding myself back and so that was the first thing I did the weekend she moved out was to hike to that lake and that will be the first hike I do in the spring.

FYI; for me at least. When you are home by yourself it gives you time to think. I read that you should just set at home in quite, don't turn on the radio or TV, just enjoy it being quite and I have done that and it is a good thing.

 

Oh well, confusing... but each day/hour that passes I feel more and more like this is the right choice for now.

 

Please don't get me wrong, you will miss the W or the H in anna's case, and I miss having someone to snuggle with in bed, but what you learn about yourself is well worth it I feel.

 

anna13, I hope you will be able to see that you and your kids come first and sure you would like your H there as well, but that is something you don't have control over so try and make the best out of what you do have control over and things do get better, you will start feeling good about yourself and that is the "ONLY" person that you need to make happy.

[Delarocha]

yea , 2 months till he moves back in , honestly I am thinking hard about this decision and situation. He does blow up at things that to me , arent that big of a deal. saying that I annoy him , I can be repeticious( spelling? and a bit needy) but definitly I think that he has problems. I dont think he is happy with himself. I have been going to the gym alot , lost about 6 pounds in the last month . I need to improve my health as well as my figure lol ... at least it takes my mind off of all this stress. I know that if i tell him no he is not moving back in it will probobly be over , also if he comes back and we still cant work it out then it will be over. scary thing. I am leaning toward still working on it and letting him move back in . not a surprise I bet to many of you . but there is 2 months to go , so anything could happen , i could completly go the other way and say goodbye to him if it deteriorates. I am hoping that we can work things out for our sake , for my childrens sake. I think about alot of things , I know there is a better man , there is always a better man . today my h and I got into another argument , he said that i was annoying because i was repeating myself and he just wanted me to go away so that he wouldnt snap. I was crushed. I felt at that moment , I can do better. but then he said he didnt the mean things he said . he just doesnt feel like he should have to repeat himself. I think that maybe he has a point but to be so harsh is unnessesary to me . he is just a jerk. the reason i repeat myself is because he minces words and can't spit out a straight answer. thinking of him doesnt give me joy anymore , more like stress. I hate it . hopefully things will get better. I try to prepare myself for divorse just in case it is the next step . but it is difficult . I still will prepare for it . It would help if I had some more friends that i trusted. It would help if I didn't have my toddler's feelings to worry about , but the fact is i cant live in fantasy , regarless of the "if's" the fact is I am alone and will have to deal with this alone , good or bad. It is frightening and crushing. but I will try to keep my head up the best i can.

 

anna13, first of all I am sorry you are going through this. Second I want to apologize after looking back on my posts in this thread. I sincerely did not mean to hijack your thread and make it about myself. (Something I tend to do is reflect my own situation on others in here.) *shrug* Another task for me.

 

Anyway, it sounds like you and your H have a lot of issues to work out in two months. It's good that he was able to apologize, but was it really an apology for being a jerk or was it a way to smooth over the situation as quickly as possible. I think when we are hurting sometimes we strike out at those around us out of frustration. It's not fair, however, to say hurtful things to someone you are supposed to love and care about. Would you let a friend tell you to "go away" so they "wouldn't snap"? Of course not!, you would tell them to go to hell and call you when they weren't in such a foul mood. Perhaps at the moment you are playing off each other in a bad way. The two of you start a discussion, you ask a question, he answers in a non clear way, you ask again, he says the same thing again, rinse repeat...

 

Although he definitely needs to look at how he relates to you, you do not have any control over if/when he will. The only thing you have control over is how you relate to him. Maybe if repeating the question is not working you can try something else. For example maybe you could be open and honest and say something like, "I understand you may not have all the answers right now, but I am really trying to understand where you are coming from. I don't want to go in circles over the same things, but I am just not understanding how you feel. Let me think about it, and maybe we can talk more about it later. "

 

Just my thoughts. I know in the past week or so I have realized that in many ways when talking I don't REALLY listen, I just wait for my turn to speak. This fact was like being hit in the face with a 2x4. However, it did make me realize that if I don't get something right away it's better to take some time to think about it. Usually it makes sense later, and it allows me to avoid dancing in circles over an issue I can't truly comprehend without further thought.

[anna13]

anna13, first of all I am sorry you are going through this. Second I want to apologize after looking back on my posts in this thread. I sincerely did not mean to hijack your thread and make it about myself.

np I didnt mind at all ..

 

Perhaps at the moment you are playing off each other in a bad way. The two of you start a discussion, you ask a question, he answers in a non clear way, you ask again, he says the same thing again, rinse repeat...

that is sooo true , i thought that way kinda one sided like i was getting a pay off for my actions that i need or want somehow but i never thought that goes for the both of us , that puts perspective on things.

 

Just my thoughts. I know in the past week or so I have realized that in many ways when talking I don't REALLY listen

I have that problem i think , I guess I dont really listen , that is his complaint sometimes. he will answer but i will want to hear it again ( payoff?) .

 

Usually it makes sense later, and it allows me to avoid dancing in circles over an issue I can't truly comprehend without further thought.

that makes total sense cause i have realized some things later when i am away from the situation . that is just good sence to do , ty

[anna13]

I read someplace that when we worry so much about the other person then they don't have anything to worry about because we are doing it for them.

 

Oh I do that too much , I worry for my teen , I worry for my Husband , i worry so much and try to manage things so much that no one has to do any thinking or worrying, then when i need something they feel like what ? what is the problem? so maybe I should really try to do less of that so that they think and know if there is a problem .

 

My H is being a jerk again today , not as big as the last time ,but still a jerk . boy... so i am just not gooing to call him at all . like you said I need to quit worrying about what he is thinking or what if this or that , I mean he said he loves me but doesnt want to repeat himself . so why should I worry . if he changes his mind about coming home oh well right ... ( ha ha ~ I can talk like i am so brave but i am not .. scared to death really but your right, worrying so much about things I cannot control will take me to an early grave) .... I hope i can stick to it . I have been worrying for my family for years. it has become second nature.

[PWSX3]

worrying so much about things I cannot control will take me to an early grave) .... I hope i can stick to it . I have been worrying for my family for years. it has become second nature.

It's been very hard for me, but you will get better at it. Look at it this way, when someone tells you the water is hot don't touch, what is the first thing you want to do? You want to see if it's hot for yourself.

You keep telling/worrying about everyone so they don't get a chance to touch the water and see if it's hot for themselves.

If you keep telling people the water is hot will they ever believe you, probably not, but if they touch the water and it burns will they believe you the next time, probably.

 

I don't know if that is the a good example but you kind of get what I am trying to say. People have to do things for themselves so they can make there own choice and by making there own choice they are learning.

 

Just think if you didn't worry about all the things you are worrying about now, there is a very good chance your stress level would be a lot lower.

 

I have seen at work this has really helped me out a lot, I used to always get involved in stuff I didn't need to and now when someone is having a problem and I feel I need to get involved and help them out I just walk away. There is no reason I need to get in the middle of something I don't have to. It has really helped me out a lot and I know you would feel a LOT better as well.

[Gunny376]

When it comes down to worrying ~ you've really only two things to worry about?

 

Wheather your healthy or ill

 

If your healthy? You don't have anything to worry about!

 

But if your ill, you've still only two things to worry about?

 

Wheather your going to live or die?

 

If you live, you've got nothing to worry about!

 

But, if you die you've only got two things to worry about?

 

Wheather your going to Heaven or Hell?

 

If youj've go to Heaven, you don't have anything to worry about!

 

But if you go to Hell, ......................................................

 

 

Hell it won't matter you'll be so busy saying Hi to all the people you know down there ~ it won't matter.

 

Worrying doesn't accomplish a damn thing ~ so there's no use worrying about it. Either a thing is going to happen or it isn't! I don't care how hard you try, one thing is for sure and certain ~ none of us are going to get out of this life alive ~ and that's damned fact.

 

Along the way from the cradel to the grave, you're going to be swinging back and forth somewhere between a laugh and a tear.

 

Life's going to throw you some curve and fast balls at you. You'll hit a few, you'll miss a few, sometimes you'll stirke out, if you work at it, put on the Big Girl britches, every now and agian you'll put one across the fence.

 

At the end of the day when the Sun is going down over the horizion, all you can do is suck it up, and deal with what life throws at you, and do the best you can.

 

Life's not fair, if it was, grasshoppers would have .45 caliber pistols so crows wouldn't eat them, but they don't and so they do. That's life.

 

For every door that gets slammed in your face, another door of opportunity opens up. Worse case scenario? The DH doesn't come back and moves on. When the Pity Party is over, and the crying is done, and your out of Kleenex what it all comes down to is you've got to get off your butt and go and find someone new that appreciates what you've got to offer, and what you're bringing to the table. And, you've got a lot to bring to to the table and a lot to offer the right man. You've got a lot of good love to offer, a kind of love that comes with dedication , determintation. You don't come off to me as being a weak minded ~ weak willed person.

 

Good women are like good jobs ~ they're hard to come by. A good woman gets divorced, or widowed ~ they don't stay on the market for very long before someone comes along and snacthes them up. A Good woman is like a good job ~ there's really not that many of them. What ones there are, they tend to be already taken, and the ones that have them have had them for a good long while, they know and appreciate what they've got, they plan on hanging on to them ~ and you're going to have to fight them to get them away from them ~ if not damn near kill them!

 

You're a good woman!

 

Since you've come to LS, I've seen a lot of self examination and growth in you! You've come a long way Baby!

 

No matter what goes down ~ what happens, you and the children are going to be alright! And, that's what I want you to say to yourself over and over, and over, and over until you've got it firmly driven into your brain housing group:

 

"NO MATTER WHAT! IT'S GOING TO BE ALRIGHT!

Whenever, you find yourself worrying say that to yourself over and over.

 

I got that from a 65 year old man that I use to work with, who been through Hell, and back, and then again. I wish I could introduce you to Tom, because the look on his face, and the way he said it was just assuring.

 

He'd been in WWII and at Normandy, (D-Day Invasion), fought his way across Euorpe through France, Belgiam, and Germany. Had seen the Death Camps, buried a son, and a daughter, and nursed his cancer striken wife for 12 years. Lost his house due to medical bills.

 

Through it all he would just say to himself, and to his wife, "It'll be alright!"

 

And it will be!

 

I try and frame all of this up in a bigger picture.

 

I don't think we're just earthly mortal beings having a spiritual experience, I think we're spritiual beings having an "earthly" experince. I think and believe that we're essentially spiritual beings that have come to the planet called Earth to learn, grow, as spiritual beings. I think and believe that this life that I'm living is just a lesson, that the this Earth is just a "spiritual" classroom for us to learn, grow.

 

I believe one the greatest lessons that we're to learn here is to love un-conditionally, without holding back. To purifiy our souls of hatered, negaitivety, bias, prejudice, hatered, etc.

 

I beleive that we were spiritual beings before we came to the planet, and I beliee that when we die, we return to our natural state.

 

If I was THE Teacher, I'd give you an A+!

[anna13]

thanks Gunny , you have a way of making a girl feel good ... I enjoy reading all your posts .

 

My H was like a totally different person yesterday , talking about what he is going to buy me later?? telling me that I look good ( probobly cause i have been going to the gym) ... just being basically nice to me .. I am on guard .. you would think I would be thrilled after yesterday ..not really , it makes me feel better but it is temmporary . I would love to think my H has some kind of epiphany but i know better. I dont know what the deal is but just going to have the guards stand by my heart you know what I mean . not that they can do much to help me lol . my heart has already been infiltrated. Like a girlfriend of mine told me it is worse when a man is whishy washy and goes back and forth. I will try to think positive but we shall see........"no matter what , it will be alright" I am going to try to keep thinking that.

 

Life's not fair, if it was, grasshoppers would have .45 caliber pistols so crows wouldn't eat them, but they don't and so they do. That's life.

I love that ! LOL .

[anna13]

well he did it again , just out of the blue the "cold" attitude ...he called me while i was at the mall with our son , he asked what we were doing , I said just hanging out , i asked him if he wanted to meet us , then he said yea why not .. and so we ate dinner, and then after dinner he all of a sudden said he was tired , and annoyed with our son , and he said that it was probobly a mistake to meet us . he kept saying he was tired from work . you know i could understand that but yet whats with the bitchy , ihave to get the hell away from you guys attitude he pops up with toward us . I really am starting to not like him. the thing is that this was a problem of mine was to not let him rest when he said he was tired. . but his attitude now is just so rude. he likes to call me up and talk to me about his stresses , which i listen to because he complained that i dont listen but yet when i need something and he is tired too bad for me then .

he says he loves me but i wonder if he does. It hurt when he said his son was anoying him .. my son wasnt behaving , but still . i dont know , am I too sensitive? I just dont think so. i just think all the time who does he think he is ? . . i almost feel like telling him i am too tired next time he calls and needs something but then again that would just turn into an immature daily battle. he always likes to say he is too old for this or that,.is he trying to lose me ? why is he constantly reminding me that he is getting older ( i am five years younger ) i dont care if he is old but he keeps saying he's old he s too old for this or that ( stress) but he rides skateboards ~ all my friends have younger husbands,I am sure they dont hear this kind of crap from their men .mine is starting to become an old , bitter jerk and it is seriously a turn off. above that all he seems to be a real jerk to me .. good grief. i want us to work out but he seems to be constantly reminding me why i shouldnt be with him . I'm annoyed and hurt.

I am trying to think positive and say , ok he is just tired just let him be , no biggie. but just to say ok had enough take me home now ... what an ass!.

[anna13]

well letting him be seems to be what i need to do . he stayed the weekend over , it went well , but then I dropped him off at his place , that is always wierd. it was easier taking care of the kids when he was here. took some load off of me . but now he is back at his place so it is all on me again .. letting him be , gave him time to chill out . that will just have to be how it is now . he talks about the future , with us . . i am becoming less trusting , i miss his company , but at the same time i have this wall up and I dont want to take it down . and I am not planning to take it down . maybe one day if things go well ( im thinking way in the future if things continue to go well ) .. this whole thing is so scary .. If it was just me and my H then it wouldnt be as difficult , but with the kids there are alot of emotions, I dont want the toddler to be hurt or disapointed by anything , I dont want the teenager to think he can run amuck with no worries, and I dont really want to raise my kids as a single mother although i know I can if I have to.. this is an example of bitterness, he went back to his place, he works tomoro morning , he wants time to himself ., np right ,, i think that too np .. but then when i get home i start to think and feel like wow .. so he is off "work" now with the kids. as I am just in this 24 /7 . even though i know he is moving back in i am still bitter about little things like this. but unlike before I dont nag at all. oh well . till later. my teen is making me nutty .

[Lor]

Hey Anna....been a long time. Sorry to hear your still having to deal with all this. I read thru your whole post on this one....I keep hearing a common thread thru-out....he's tired, you annoy him, the kids annoy him, work is hard......poor me this, poor me that.....

 

My take? He's supposed to be moving back in what? A month now? Jeez-O-Petes! Don't!! You will regret it! He's living on his own and you annoy him, the kids annoy him.....what do you think will happen when he comes back? A switch will happen? Hell no! Its gonna make it 10 times worse. You will head for divorce city.

 

He loves you but he can't say it? He loves you but you have to nag him to hear it? What is wrong with this guy? He's having the crisis here and dragging you and the kids along for the ride! He says he feels guilty? Good!! Instead of letting him off the hook, let him know that he should feel guilty. He is trying to tell you that he doesn't want to be with you, that you need to change, not bug him, not annoy him, not the let the kids bug him or annoy him or get in his way....No Way! He's supposed to love you for who you are, not who you're supposed to be. Please, tell him to take a hike off a big cliff.....and mean it! Turn away, walk away....quit picking him up, quit meeting him halfway. Get away.....and I bet you'll be surprised. He would either come back around, maybe jar him out of his cozy little world. Or he'll quit trying and then you'll know where he really sits on all this.

 

Sounds to me like he's too cowardly to stand up and face being an adult. He wants you to do all the work, and either way you won't win ~ if you walk away and get the divorce, it'll be your fault cuz he said he wanted to. If you let him back and in and it doesn't work out, its still going to be your fault cuz you annoyed him too much.

 

I know you don't want to give up, you love him ~ although I'm starting to hear some doubt ~ and want your M to work. But there's a time when you have to face the reality.

 

Oh, and your teens problems may be stemming from the back and forth attitude you and H are playing with. I'd bet he's wishing you two would get off your butts and either try or call it quits but quit jerking around.

 

Hang in there kid. sorry if I sound harsh on one of my first posts back here....just can't believe this jerk is still doing this to you.....

[anna13]

Hang in there kid. sorry if I sound harsh on one of my first posts back here....just can't believe this jerk is still doing this to you.....

not at all Lor ,your not harsh you are being honest about your take on it and I appreciate it.. .. he has been saying that he loves me now without me asking , but i dont say it back.. i am watching my back , most definitly . I am really angry , even though he has been nice .. turst me when i say i am watching my back here. he frustrates me sometimes , and he is a jerk sometimes , but i am going to try to see this through . i am getting the impression from him that he is sensing that i am not as attatched to him , thus his kinder behavior. when he was over this weekend I just watched him , i didnt interfere with his interactions with the kids, to see how he is .. he did good. but i am watching. I am not even worried about it now ( at least I am not trying to ) I figure if this doesnt work , it doesnt matter if he thinks it is my fault , cause I know better. I think things have improved greatly from when we first seperated, both him and I , but you are definitly correct in saying that he is going through some kind of crisis. i dont know , mid life crisis . . ? who knows... but i am focusing on the main things like his interactions with the kids and also i am really watching how he acts with me , i dont ask him anything anymore , i dont cal him , my thinking now is if he wants to come back , let him work , I'm not stupid so ,, if he thinks so ,, well he is in for a surprise. that said , i still have tears , and valentines day , well i just hate it ..lol . . i want it to come and go. i didnt mention it to him at all ., i am just observing for now.

Sounds to me like he's too cowardly to stand up and face being an adult. He wants you to do all the work

that is how i feel , that it is cowardly , something he should feel ashamed of . and i think he does feel ashamed and I have the same feeling as you ... GOOOOOOD .

I am quite angry but not a word to him , I am watching my back , but not a word to him . there are good things too that i dont write on here so when you read you only see the bad , that is my fault but i just have to wait and see. in my head I know that i have changed what I contributed to the disentigration of my marriage. i just have to see if he has changed enough of what he contributed to the disentigration.

Let us just hope I dont regret letting him move back in . but I think at least this time if he leaves i wont be destroyed like i was the first time he left. and it will be his last chance . I told him once recently , are you going to leave me again when times get rough ? he said no ... he likes to say that i repeat myself alot so I did not repeat that , I asked him one time , he answered. so i am just trusting . if he leaves again . that's will be it . and if he doesnt maybe there is a chance for us again , time will tell.

[Lor]

Here's somethings to chew on:

 

People need to stop and think twice about what they say before they say it. But you should never feel like you can't say what you want. Its all in how you say it. Some things SO should never be afraid to do: apologize, say I love you, voice their opinion, or ask for reassurance.

 

People are quirky and will do things, some little, some big, that get on other people's nerves, whether you love each other or not. But that should be looked at as part of that person, not as a whole, if you love that person. Instead of focusing on the negative, people need to look at the positives also and make them the forefront of what kind of light they see their SO in.

 

Let your H have his crisis ~ its his to deal with. I still wouldn't let him move back, all he's gonna do is bring those issues with him and you can't help him. I'd say he needs to start taking you out on dates ~ Alone ~ like when you first met. Have him help pay for a sitter or have your teen watch the toddler for a few hours. If you really want to start over, you'll need to * start * over *. Find out if this is someone you would date now. That may sound funny but if you didn't have history with him, didn't have a child with him, met him for the first time, would you go out with him, or go out with him twice? Seriously, stop and think on that.

 

I'm still with the same guy I met 5 months ago and he's even sweeter than I could ever imagine I'd get. Now I know what NICE guys really are.....and if the chance ever came (which it won't ) for my ex to want to ask me out, there is no way I would be interested, even if I didn't know him. The "first date" would be no where as great as just going to the store with my BF.

 

I know you vent the bad here ~ heck, haven't we all? Remember that these things that bug you now will still be there 6 months from now, a year from now, 5 years....and can he deal with what he considers "bad" about you? It may sound like I'm saying to forget trying but I wish you the best and that everything works out. I can't help but think "careful what you wish for; you might just get it."

[anna13]

I'm still with the same guy I met 5 months ago and he's even sweeter than I could ever imagine I'd get. Now I know what NICE guys really are.....

arent they all like that when we first meet them LOL ... My H was like that for 12 -14 years before things started to go bad. nice to be in Love again isnt it .. good for you

 

It may sound like I'm saying to forget trying but I wish you the best and that everything works out. I can't help but think "careful what you wish for; you might just get it."

No I dont think you are saying to forget it , I think you are trying to help me out , because you have been through all this crap before and you want to save me some grief that may be coming my way , I know , and i really appreciate it. . I dont disagree with anything you are saying , I am being very cautious .

 

I can't help but think "careful what you wish for; you might just get it."

i think that all the time, is this what i really want ? will it be the way I want it to be or will it just be... I definitly dont want it to "just be" like i am "just married" or I have "a husband" I want to feel that Love and closeness as well. right now I am so cautious that I am not letting myself go there. but let s say things work out to "just married" for me, well i am not going to be happy with that. so for me just one day at a time .

your the best LOR