He's as cold as ice

[anna13]

My H and I are seperated as you know from my other thread feeling troubled. well. My H really hurt me today , he hurt my heart, my teen has been late for school a few times ( about 6 times) Ive been trying to rush him to school but my teen takes his time anyway . it isnt like i can throw my 230 lb teen over my shoulder and take him to the car in his pj's. anyway i get informed by the school that I might have to go to to court for neglecting to get my child to school on time. so I am sooo upset . I call my H and tell him the situation , he like a quick it will be alright and I got to go. so , I m just there holding the cell feeling really alone~ , later he wanted to get a present for our toddler so he wanted me to take him to the store , so i did. on the way home I was talking to him just small talk and i did mention the school again . anyway he started to act cold toward me , told me that he wanted to catch the bus back to his house. I offered the ride and he took it but i thought he was happy i took him home , i guess not, then when i ask him what is wrong ? he said to just stop talking to him , and he hates it when i dont know how to stop talking to him . then he kept saying he should have took the bus. then later I called him to just small talk and hope for some positive talk but no it got worse., he said that I was very annoying , and that he doesnt see anything positive about me . he asked me what is positive about you ? I was like what? I was so sad at this point .. I said are you kidding? he said no. I said well do you love me ? he said yes, I said how do you love me when you dont think there is anything positive about me? he said he doesnt know. so I asked him did he change his mind about moving back in ? and he said no , but he is trying to find a way where he can handle being around me without losing his temper. so he is taking it slow..?????? OMG>I just dont know what to think or what to do already .He claims to love me and want to take care of me but then he says things like that. I wasnt being annoying , all i did was talk about my doctor's visit today and my teens school situation.and it was brief 10 minutes each topic at the most. he says he does love me and wants to be with us as a family but yet he talks the way he does, he is so cold , so hurtfull . Does anyone have any ideas about what he could be going through? I am really heart broken right now.

[Guest]

was i like that back then? i know i always was rushing and curt. i wasn't a good listener back then and discovered why things made me tense and grumpy and make u sad obviously without noticing

 

and that was such a put down [i would never do that to my sweetie]

 

Lol

 

I';ll have a list too

 

i was wondering u are online late, are u working right now?

 

gord

[anna13]

? what who and huh ? ... ok I dont know this poster ..

[Antha]

Did you ask him what *specifically* was bugging him about you? Was he maybe having a bad day and taking it out on you?

[Ladyjane14]

Anna, this guy left you holding the bag. He knows it too. That's why he's biting your head off. Talking to you reminds him that he has family obligations.... and that he's a chickensh*t for evading them.

 

He's been the de facto father of your teen for all these years. And now the boy is a truant, who need a father's discipline.

 

These fits of temper are more likely to be a transference of his anger with himself onto you. He KNOWS he let you down. And he KNOWS he's let that boy down. But he's not willing to DO anything about it.

 

Honestly, I don't know why you keep putting yourself through all this. I think I'd have handed him his hat by now.

[dgiirl]

I agree with LJ here. You deserve so much better treatment. You need to be able to stand up for yourself and not let him disrespect you this way.

 

Your situation reminded me a lot of my own marriage. It got to the point that I just annoyed the hell out of my ex. Anything and everything I did was not good enough. He use to tell me that he hated going to sleep with me because I would talk and talk and talk. Yah, just gives you the warm fuzzy's doesnt it?

 

And when he left, he was angry, mostly with himself for not speaking up, and just dumped it all on me. I was the evil witch who forced him to do things he didnt want to do. He actually told me that he became a worse person from knowing me. That he did not learn one good thing from me. And asked me what's good about me? I was so hurt and confused. He attacked me with those words and I couldnt stand up for myself. At the time, I was depressed and had started to believe the things he was telling me for years.

 

It hurt me a lot to hear these things coming from him. And it took me a while to learn it wasnt true. He was messed in the head and I cant be responsible for him becoming a bad person. Everyone has good in them, everyone has something that they can teach you, and it's up to you to see it. He was so arrogant to see the good in me. If he was a "bad" person, it's because he was so full of himself. Everything he accused me of were things that he WAS. He was the one who was selfish. He was the one who was judging everyone.

 

He actually admitted that he thought I was getting an ego and he was trying to make me humble by the way he treated me. (For years he treated me like crap. Passive agressively throwing out these comments that affected my self-esteem greatly). That his responsibility as my husband was to make me a better person. I've never in my entire life tried to change someone. I've never in my entire life looked at someone and thought that person needs saving and I'll rescue them. I've never looked at someone and thought that person's so arrogant they need to be taught a lesson. To me, this is just evil. Sure, I might not like people, or agree with things they do. But to go so far and think I have all the answers and that I should change them? There's absolutely no acceptance of other people in that. That's ****ed right there.

 

It sounds like everything you are doing is just annoying the crap out of your husband. And there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. And it has very little to do with you in the first place. It's like someone who snaps at another for tapping his fingers on the table yet never asked for the tapping to stop. Had you known something was bothering him, you would have gladly stopped. But you cant be blamed for him not being honest with his feelings.

 

First, your husband sounds like a jerk right now. He sounds like he's having a tantrum and you need to make sure he doesnt disrespect you. However, you also need to give him some space. Right now he's supersensitive to the slightest stress. You need to not bring him every single problem that happens to you. And more importantly, when you guys had the little argument in the car, you should not have called him back that night for some "small" talk. He told you he was annoyed by you talking, so what do you do? Call him to talk?

 

You need to keep every interaction with him positive until you start seeing some changes. You need to give him a reason to come back. And if all you are presenting is problems, he wont want to come back. You are too available. You need to keep some things to yourself. Dont initiate the conversations with him. Give him a chance to wonder what you are doing.

[Ladyjane14]

It sounds like everything you are doing is just annoying the crap out of your husband. And there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. And it has very little to do with you in the first place.

 

Exactly. Good post, Dgiirl.

 

You can't internalize somebody else's failures and shortcomings like they were YOUR choices, Anna. They weren't. You aren't the one who decided to flake out on your family.

 

 

 

I had one more thought about your truant teen....

 

If his tardiness is because he's having trouble getting up in the morning, that's a REALLY common problem in kids his age. But, just to be on the safe side, and also to prove to the school system that you're taking the problem seriously.... why not make an appointment for him to see the doctor?

 

There are some conditions that would exacerbate the problem... dietary issues like caffeine consumption, sleep apnea and other sleep disorders. You'll want to rule out any medical issues before you approach it as a discipline problem.

 

You'll also want to make an appointment with the school guidance counselor, as well as his teachers. You can reassure them that you're addressing the situation, as well as rule out any learning or social problems at school. Sometimes a kid just doesn't want to go because he's having a difficult time with his assignments or with his classmates.

 

By taking a proactive stance with your son, you can reassure him that you're on his side. When it comes time to discipline, it's not something he can be view as arbitrary punishment. At that point, you've explored every avenue and eliminated every possibility for non-compliance save disobedience. You've opened the door on communications with him and cemented better relationships between him and his support network at school.

 

I really do think you could use some family counseling right about now, Anna. A third party who can give you specific advice might help you to bridge the gap between you and your older boy. In family counseling you can eliminate the possibility that he's acting out on his emotions by creating this truancy problem.

 

I have to tell you... I'm ever so much more concerned for your boy than I am for his step-father. All this has got to be tough on him... at a time in his life where growing up is already tough enough.

[amaysngrace]

I have to tell you... I'm ever so much more concerned for your boy than I am for his step-father. All this has got to be tough on him... at a time in his life where growing up is already tough enough.

 

I agree 100%. He may be going through a bout of depression or other serious ailment right now due to his home life being turned upside-down.

 

It is hard for adults to go through, just imagine what effect it has on children.

 

Your son needs to get it out. Try and be more available to him and I would strongly suggest he see someone who's trained in helping teens to cope. He's most likely angry at his situation and unless he vents it, he's only going to turn the anger inward.

 

Eventually he may lash out at others, but the idea is to nip it in the bud.

[anna13]

my teen~ the tardiness, was because he didnt take the fact of being tardy seriously , he just took his sweet time while i ran around telling him to hurry up~ i wish i could just throw my 230 lb teen over my shoulder and take him to the car in his pj's but that is not realistic. . now that I showed him the paper he said that it was ridiculous that they would take that action because they all just sit there for the first 15 minutes and do nothing , but he got his butt up this morning and jumped in the car with me. so i know he wont be late ever again this year.

These fits of temper are more likely to be a transference of his anger with himself onto you. He KNOWS he let you down. And he KNOWS he's let that boy down. But he's not willing to DO anything about it.

I had a feeling that is what it is , he doesnt like to be reminded of what a failure he has been to us . we have been getting along pretty well untill yesterday. he actually called me back last night and talked to me just like normal. he always says it isnt the kids it is me . but don't worry people , I dont think it is all me. no way . I just want to give this a chance to work . I am very angry about the way he is talking to me . I often think and wonder to myself that one day i will just have enough and I will know when that is and that is when he is history . My teen has been doing better this past week . he got his first job and is pretty happy about it . and he knows that my H and I are trying to work things and my teen and I discuss it time to time. but I know that if he sees that I feel down he will feel upset. so I never show him that I am upset. my toddler is the one I feel is hurt more by all this, because he always is asking where's daddy . sure my H says that we can call anytime if my young one wants to talk to him , but it isnt the same. my H is going through guilt, I know it, he told me before that he feels that everything is his fault , he doesnt like living on his own he says now, he wants to be with us , but at the same time he wants to be able to do his own thing ( i have no problem with ) I am very hurt , and he does hurt my self esteem , by what he says .

 

Your situation reminded me a lot of my own marriage. It got to the point that I just annoyed the hell out of my ex. Anything and everything I did was not good enough. He use to tell me that he hated going to sleep with me because I would talk and talk and talk. Yah, just gives you the warm fuzzy's doesnt it?

oh it makes me really angry when he talks to me this way, I have neer let him talk to me this way until after we got seperated. I feel very annoyed. . I am trying to be patient because some of my friends think he is going through a mid life crisis. I dont even know if that is a real thing or not , but I have a friend who told me to just stand by his side as long as i can tolerate it , and when the day comes that I cant then that will be it. he is always talking about his job , how he wants a better one ( which he just got a a new one ) how he feels like he hasnt achieved everthing he wanted to and he is going to be 40 soon and he is trying to get fit for himself he says . I am becoming more and more resentfull about this , but I want to work things out, for my toddler too.

First, your husband sounds like a jerk right now. He sounds like he's having a tantrum and you need to make sure he doesnt disrespect you. However, you also need to give him some space. Right now he's supersensitive to the slightest stress. You need to not bring him every single problem that happens to you. And more importantly, when you guys had the little argument in the car, you should not have called him back that night for some "small" talk. He told you he was annoyed by you talking, so what do you do? Call him to talk?

yes it was a mistake to call him up but at the same time , I give him space, I have even stopped the problem of nagging that i used to do , I dont do that anymore. but he needs to work with me too , I can't just be kissing his butt all the time because it the long run that would not work , I give him respect to listen to him , I am patient with him ,but he needs to be there for me when I need to be heard. if not then it will not work , and i am not even unreasonable about what i talk about . his put downs are getting old. everytime he spews something out I tell him dont talk to me like that. he says he wants to be with us , so he better start trying a little harder. I am getting angry , marriage shouldnt be this way , a tippie toeing , delicate "i wonder if this is a good time to talk to him crap" I have been considerate, but he needs to grow up. when he called me back last night , his tone was completely different , he was calmer, like he was trying , I usually go by my gut feelings... i have a gut feeling that he is really wanting to work things out with me . but his put down tendencies are definitly not aceptable. He needs us more then we need him, I know that much . my anger makes me strong but my heart makes me weak . all the sense I have in my head and I still have tears , and frustration. My h says that he is having a hard time because he sees all the christmas decorations and it is hard on him .... sorry but i dont feel sorry for him at all. I hope that we can work this out. I really do.

[anna13]

wow , am I burning out or what ? I think so . I feel exaughsted and lonely . my teen has really been pushing my buttons the last two days and just when i thought he was maturing , GONG ~ I was wrong . anyway I am feeling burnt out , and sad. I feel like I need a normal adult around to talk to , constantly dealing with my teen and my toddler , I am feeling a bit out of wack and my life seems to be becoming gloomy , just hard to find joy these days . My H says he Loves me , that use to make me happy now the happiness from hearing that only lasts a few hours. After that I feel really lonely and I am starting to feel like I am going a bit crazy . my toddler puts a smile on my face all the time but with my teen around all the time it is hard to enjoy anything. I dont even want to say what I am feeling about my teen right now. I guess I am just tired of being alone or at least feeling alone. I dont ask that much from a man , just Love and Honestly and patience( and a sense of humor is good too) . I guess that is too much LOL ... anyway my H and I are not living together still, he says he wants to after his lease is up , my H is moody sometimes really nice and sometimes really cold . I just want to be held , "it will be ok honey " would be nice... maybe a "I Love you and I am hear for you" or " I'll be the hero , you've been dreaming of " or " Your my wife and you are so wonderfull, i'm glad I married you " ...... ok I am fantasising a bit there , a girl can dream can't she? that is what dreams are for , to take you away from reality .

[hopeto]

RUN, RUN, RUN, as far as you can from him and dont look back!!!!!! look at my post. 18 years of trying to make my husband love me but when they are so cold and are just mean they dont even love themselves so run. you are better than that and deserve to be happy. you deserve to have that special someone that listens even when it is about the crak in you backside. but giving the advise is alot eaiser than doing cause I still love my husband even after what he has done.

[Billy Bob]

RUN, RUN, RUN, as far as you can from him and dont look back!!!!!! look at my post. 18 years of trying to make my husband love me but when they are so cold and are just mean they dont even love themselves so run. you are better than that and deserve to be happy. you deserve to have that special someone that listens even when it is about the crak in you backside. but giving the advise is alot eaiser than doing cause I still love my husband even after what he has done.

 

I agree, you deserve better. I finally kicked my now ex to the curb and you would be amazed at how many other people out there are loving and supportive, everything a relationship should be. Listen to these wise words a sage once told me;

 

You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em,

Know when to walk away and know when to run.

You never count your money when youre sittin at the table.

Therell be time enough for countin when the dealins done.

 

Now every gambler knows that the secret to survivin

Is knowin what to throw away and knowing what to keep.

cause evry hands a winner and evry hands a loser,

And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.

[anna13]

Thanks everyone , I have had thoughts lately , like maybe i should just let him go already , i know that life moves on and i will find someone else or someone else may actually find me . they are thoughts that whip through my head when i am at my loneliness, and when i am angry . But when I calm down , I can't see me walking away from him right now , not yet at least, I 'm am not planning to either, but i am aware that I can do only so much , when he talks to me about wanting to be with us and he misses us , i can see that there is a chance that we may be able to work things out. when he is a jerk , I feel the opposite.. but I am going to try to work this out , just put my best foot forward even if it means I will be hurt again. I am scared ,but I dont want to let go when there is a possibility that he might really mean what he says . I guess i will have to take it one day at a time and sees what comes around the corner.

[Guest]

wow. i wish i could help or give u a big ol bear hug

 

holidays are tough on people

 

i try and keep things simple and stress free now

[anna13]

I know , holidays can be hard on people but I am doign ok , my H still wants to be involved with Christmas and everything. but one day at a time I say , keeping it simple with everything is life is the best way strangeer .

[Love Hurts]

Responsibility at home is unattractive. Teens go through their own finding out who they are and what they want out of life… what they like and dislike. Plus you have a toddler, your husband has his own place… away from the drama of family life and the potential pressures of it.

 

He is free and exempt from any failure under your roof.

If the kids fail to _____ he is exempt.

That’s on your head.

 

Freedom from that is wonderful. He has that….. freedom.

He can live his life the way he pleases…..pretty much a carefree man.

You just represent and remind him of all the potential chaos and responsibility that a free man needs not concern himself with.

 

If you two are getting together intimately…. Why should he come back… what for?

What is he missing out on?

 

Responsibility……

[anna13]

He is free and exempt from any failure under your roof.

If the kids fail to _____ he is exempt.

That’s on your head.

no man is exempt from the responsibility . even if that man wants to admit it or not , if the family fails he has something to do with it . If he is the man I want to stay married to then he will be back because of responsibility and because he Loves me as well. not one or the other.

Freedom from that is wonderful. He has that….. freedom.

He can live his life the way he pleases…..pretty much a carefree man.

You just represent and remind him of all the potential chaos and responsibility that a free man needs not concern himself with.

yup and I am glad to do that, remind him that is , without nagging that he does have responsibility in this household , here or not. My H has told me that he feels like he is failing the kids by being away. I dont argure with that. I agree , that freedom is wonderful, but depends on what kind of freedom your looking for . Is it freedom from responsibility or freedom from guilt. like I said , If he is the man I want to stay married to then he will be back because of responsibilty for his family and because he does Love me . this will never be a situation where he can have his cake and eat it too. I want to work things out with my H , my H says he wants to work things out with me , have to give it a try although it can be a rough road. I'm not perfect and my H is not perfect , but it is not only his choice to be with this family , it is mine too. hopefully he will step up to the plate.

[karlesa]

Hang in there honey. I am going through my own hell with my wife too.

Sounds like your H needs some counseling and not you. I would suggest you stop talking to him and deal with things the best you can on your own. Maybe then he will start to miss you and want to talk to you. If not, ask him what the future holds for the both of you. If he doesn't want to change or be with you then you should move on with your life without him and make yourself happy.

Remember.......life is too short for all the sorrow, what might be here today, gone tomorrow.

[anna13]

Hang in there honey. I am going through my own hell with my wife too.

Sounds like your H needs some counseling and not you. I would suggest you stop talking to him and deal with things the best you can on your own. Maybe then he will start to miss you and want to talk to you. If not, ask him what the future holds for the both of you. If he doesn't want to change or be with you then you should move on with your life without him and make yourself happy.

Remember.......life is too short for all the sorrow, what might be here today, gone tomorrow.

Thanks, yes I am hanging in there, today he told me straight that he wants to be with us and he misses his family. I told him today that he either does or he doesnt want to be with us . and if he doesnt then he should just let me know already . So I will just give it time and see if his actions speak louder then his words.

Remember.......life is too short for all the sorrow, what might be here today, gone tomorrow.

Yes I always think about that. I didnt before our seperation but I do now. everyone should remember that because your right , everything can change in a blink of an eye.

[brokenhearted29]

Anna, things are pretty tuff right now because of the holidays. I know they are for me. Just keep your head up and enjoy the holidays with your children. He is the one missing out not u. Why doesnt he try some type of therapy. Well merry x-mas:rolleyes:

[anna13]

we all had dinner tonight as a family . it went well. so he wants to be with us at home on christmas. so that's good I guess. He doesnt like therapists. he says they just nod their heads, he said he can work it out himself. I think therapists can help if they are good at what they do and they really want to do what they do for a living. I had one bad experience recently with a therapist i saw when i first was seperated. I was there for almost an hour , not really an hour and the therapist was listening the whole time while looking at her watch and out the window and nodding her head up and down .in the last minute of the appt she blurted out just wait and see how things go ... honestly this place is more therapy for me then a therapist LOL. but that is only my opinion of course and my experience.

[Delarocha]

I had one bad experience recently with a therapist i saw when i first was seperated. I was there for almost an hour , not really an hour and the therapist was listening the whole time while looking at her watch and out the window and nodding her head up and down .in the last minute of the appt she blurted out just wait and see how things go ... honestly this place is more therapy for me then a therapist LOL. but that is only my opinion of course and my experience.

 

Hahaha, I agree this place is quite therapeutic. My experience with a therapist was actually very different. She seemed very concerned about me, and the way I answered some of her questions maybe gave her cause for concern. However, I don't think she was faking it... so I will definitely go back. I need to really balance couples therapy with my own therapist. (Time/money/etc).. I don't feel we worked on anything, but it felt good to just dump everything on someone who is a complete stranger. We'll see how it goes, but I guess I wanted to say therapy SEEMS like it might be very helpful so don't give up cause of one bad therapist.

[anna13]

Hahaha, I agree this place is quite therapeutic. My experience with a therapist was actually very different. She seemed very concerned about me, and the way I answered some of her questions maybe gave her cause for concern. However, I don't think she was faking it... so I will definitely go back. I need to really balance couples therapy with my own therapist. (Time/money/etc).. I don't feel we worked on anything, but it felt good to just dump everything on someone who is a complete stranger. We'll see how it goes, but I guess I wanted to say therapy SEEMS like it might be very helpful so don't give up cause of one bad therapist.

that's the thing , some are good and some are bad, in other words some truly care about their patients and some just went to school for therapist because they didnt know what else to do and they wanted the paycheck . I wont fault all therapists . I am sure it is wonderfull when you find the right one .

[anna13]

Christmas he was over , it went pretty well , always akward since i am used to him not being in my house . but it went well I think at least for him and the kids. to me it kinda felt like a 9-5 job . he got me a gift , a painted art that says he (hearts) me . . that was sweet . he definitly wants to move back in he says . he wants to be with us . I still feel wierd around him , just bit strange like i dont know him , but i think that it is more that I dont trust him 100% I will never trust him 100% ever again , sad but true , maybe if we are still together after a few years from now then it may go to 99 % trust for me for him but never 100 %. Marriage is work , that is what i always read about and hear about , I never thought so for the first 10 years or so of our marriage , but now I totally agree with that statement depending on the situation. I am bitter with him , of course i am and i will forever will be. he wont know it though . too bad for him I guess , that is what happens when you leave your wife . your wife will never love you the same again even if she says she will. i dont know the future , I dont know if we will be somewhat hapily ever after or if it will crumble after he moves back in . right before christmas i asked him did he get me anything, he said yes and he hoped that i liked it , I said I am sure I will . I told him i didnt get him anything , because i figured that letting him move back it was a good enough gift for him . he said he deserved that remark. I feel sad all the time but i manage to keep that fact away from my H and my kids. so he is supposed to move back in after his lease is up in about 3 months . if everrthing goes "well" . well that's my update.

[brokenhearted29]

Hi Anna, i'm excited for u that he is going to move back in. Things will seem weird at first but they will get better. Will u still come to loveshack when he does come home. Just curious. well take care.