newtothegame Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I've spent the last few days reading this site and its postings to try to get some perspective. I figure the best way might be to put my story out there and see what comes back (sorry if it gets long). I'm a MM and have worked closely with a specific MW for over a year (she has two small kids herself and has been married for six years). I've been in a marriage for almost 10 years and have two small kids, but have been very unhappy in the marriage most of the time, and have thought seriously about leaving this year. Recently, I realized I had developed feelings for the MW, and we ended up on a business trip together shortly afterward. While we didn't get physical, we spent countless hours on the trip together, talking in the late night. I wanted so bad to do more, but couldn't bring myself to it. When we returned, it came out that I had feelings for her. Rather than rejecting it, she seemed interested. What began as flirting and some IMs got much more serious and I soon realized I had fallen in love with her. She really has made me happier than I've even been, and I have so much in common with her I really feel like shes the soul mate I was looking for but didn't find. Our relationship has gone on for two months, and it seems like its been all over the place. She has indicated she wants to fix her relationship with her H, but her actions keep me confused. We both miss each other and admit we need to spend some more time together that is not in such short bursts. We've had multiple physical encounters but have not had sex yet. Each encounter is amazing for both of us and leaves us wanting more. She indicates she's not ready for sex yet. We attempted to do another business trip together, and her conscience made her back off. Now I hear each day how we should have gone. Truth is, I'm very much in love with her but am afraid to tell her as I'm sure it will scare her away, so I continue to ride this roller coaster for now. The whole experience has made me more insecure than I've been in a while. Ideally I really want to find a way to be together, but I don't know how to interpret all this and make it happen. If you want to fix your relationship with your H, would you be with another MM? This is what I can't understand. I'll cut it short, but any thoughts or perspective on what is happening here?
GreenEyedLady Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 It seems that MW is missing attention at home that she enjoys getting from you, without stepping over some boundary she has set for herself in her head... Are you planning on leaving your W? I think that you should decide for yourself where you stand on your M, regardless of what MW does...
GirlFromOz Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Are you planning on leaving your W? I think that you should decide for yourself where you stand on your M, regardless of what MW does... I agree with GEL on this one You seem to be trying to work out whether or not MW wants to have an affair with you or not, whereas I think that you should be thinking about everything but that! Firstly, you are a husband & a father. As unfair as it may seem to you, by getting married & deciding to have children, you made a decision to place other people's needs ahead of your own for the rest of your life. Therefore, if you want to live with any sort of integrity and be a good role model to your children, what you should do is tell your wife that you were very close to having an affair. This will shock her but it will also make her realise how important is is to talk about & work on the problems within your marriage.
frannie Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 If you want to live with any sort of integrity and be a good role model to your children, what you should do is tell your wife that you were very close to having an affair. This will shock her but it will also make her realise how important is is to talk about & work on the problems within your marriage. Hmm... well sometimes things are just all too late and no one wants to try making a marriage work. A person can be a good father without having to sacrifice their own happiness and needs. newtothegame: As others have said, I do think that you should look at the two issues separately, if possible. Your marriage may be at an end, and it may be best to walk away from that, if you feel there's nothing to salvage. As far as your MW goes... yes, she is giving you mixed signals, and she's maybe very confused herself about what she exactly wants. No, I don't believe you can work on your marriage while you're messing around with someone else, and probably neither does she. I think she's telling you that she's not prepared to leave. Anything else she says about how unhappy she is, or how unfulfilled... well, it might be true, but all it's doing is keeping you hooked into a situation in which you're getting more and more emotionally involved.
GirlFromOz Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Hmm... well sometimes things are just all too late and no one wants to try making a marriage work. A person can be a good father without having to sacrifice their own happiness and needs. A person IS NOT a good parent or husband by carrying on an affair or wanting to carry on an affair. If you wouldn't be proud to tell your children all about your actions, then don't do them. Being a good role model to your children means that you would encourage them &/or be proud for them to follow in your footsteps. Leaving your marriage because you are unhappy is one thing. Betraying your wife & the mother of your children is another.
frannie Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 GirlFromOz, I was commenting on the suggestion which you appeared to make that the only decent course of action was to come clean to the W and work on the marriage. I disagree with that, if that is what you were suggesting.
ratingsguy Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 How long have you known this MW? You said that you've been in a relationship for two months, but had you known each other prior to that? It seems to me that you both have a lot to lose by letting this continue, and I think the MW sees that more clearly than you do just based on her hesitations. Also, again because of her hesitations, she may have a very good M, but is just bored with her H. You, on the other hand, are trapped in a loveless M. I think you need to have a heart to heart with your MW and see where she stands. Then reflect on your own situation, maybe even talk with your wife about your M, and tell the MW where you stand. If you haven't known her for more than 2 months, I would strongly caution against either one of you leaving your M for the other person. Leave your marriage if you are truly unhappy, but only for that reason. You may not know each other well enough to commit to one another, especially after only 2 months. One thing you will learn on here is that these relationships are complicated. I'm a single guy involved with a MW. But when you have a MW and MM come together, there are so many more variables at play. Good luck to you!
GirlFromOz Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Quote: Originally Posted by frannie Hmm... well sometimes things are just all too late and no one wants to try making a marriage work. A person can be a good father without having to sacrifice their own happiness and needs. GirlFromOz, I was commenting on the suggestion which you appeared to make that the only decent course of action was to come clean to the W and work on the marriage. I disagree with that, if that is what you were suggesting. Yes, Frannie, it is a decent thing to do. You seem to be suggesting that he just go ahead & have an affair reagardless of the consequences and regardless of the effect on his wife & family (& on his own conscience). This would be a decent course of action would it? He is still in a position where he can do the right thing by everyone, including the OW, by removing himself from his marriage, if that is what he truly wants to do, without causing additional hurt by completely betraying his wife & children. If he chooses to stay in his marriage, he needs to tell his wife of his feelings.
norajane Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Either work on your marriage, or get a divorce. Man up and face your problems; don't hide them in an affair.
frannie Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Quote: Originally Posted by frannie Hmm... well sometimes things are just all too late and no one wants to try making a marriage work. A person can be a good father without having to sacrifice their own happiness and needs. Yes, Frannie, it is a decent thing to do. You seem to be suggesting that he just go ahead & have an affair reagardless of the consequences and regardless of the effect on his wife & family (& on his own conscience). This would be a decent course of action would it? He is still in a position where he can do the right thing by everyone, including the OW, by removing himself from his marriage, if that is what he truly wants to do, without causing additional hurt by completely betraying his wife & children. If he chooses to stay in his marriage, he needs to tell his wife of his feelings. As I said in my first post. The two situations should, in my opinion be considered separately. The marriage is one issue, and if it needs to end, it needs to end. As far as the affair goes, if you read what I put, I said that the MW seems to be saying she's not prepared to leave her marriage. What the OP does with that comment is up to him. At no point in this thread or indeed anywhere, have I suggested anyone have an affair. Not sure where you're getting that idea from.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Either work on your marriage, or get a divorce. Man up and face your problems; don't hide them in an affair. Ditto! I agree here as well.
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