Need assistance from People who were cheated on.

[Guest]

I would like to know your thoughts.

 

I am thinking about telling my husband about my infidelities. They have been going on for a very short time and I have completely ended them. I am scared though.

 

If you have been in the situation where your partner has told you about their infidelities, how did you feel? What thoughts went through your head? Did it REALLY make things better that you were told?

 

How is it going to be better to tell him now rather than later? How will it be better to tell him rather than not at all (it is over now - so in my mind is not an issue)?

 

For those who have survived an affair - how did you get over it? Have your REALLY learned to trust your partner again? Can it ever be the same or better after an affair?

[outofdarkness]

I would like to know your thoughts.

 

I am thinking about telling my husband about my infidelities. They have been going on for a very short time and I have completely ended them. I am scared though.

 

If you have been in the situation where your partner has told you about their infidelities, how did you feel? What thoughts went through your head? Did it REALLY make things better that you were told?

 

How is it going to be better to tell him now rather than later? How will it be better to tell him rather than not at all (it is over now - so in my mind is not an issue)?

 

For those who have survived an affair - how did you get over it? Have your REALLY learned to trust your partner again? Can it ever be the same or better after an affair?

In my situation, D day, which is when the BS finds out, was totally devastating...I fell apart, emotionally, physically and spirtually. I lost 45 lbs, wrecked my car from lack of sleep and was totally unavailable emotionally for me children. This went on for one year, until I finally went to in house therapy, and I came out strong and confident that the right thing to do was Divoce him. I did file and he fell apart in every way. He convince me to file an order of recociliation, and we have been in MC and IC ever since. It's better to tell him now, in my opinion because if you wait, things just fester and eat you up. Why put off the inevitable...If you are considering at all making the M work, the truth has to come out sometime...Why put off the inevitable. It just creates more strife and heartache. Nine times out of ten, the BS knows something is up and is driving herself/himself litteraly insane trying to figure out what the deal is...I wish someone had told me sooner...At least I would have been in a time in my life where it would have been much less complicated to start over..So many decisions would have been different if I had known. I'm not saying that I would have left, I just would have really liked the choice...I was not given a choice because I was continually lied to.

 

No, in my opinion, it can never be the same as it was pre A...You can build new trust and a new relationship, but it has to be started from the ground up. The basis for the Marriage was shattered and has to be put back together. Chances are; and I know everyone's situation is different, that there are other issues in the marriage that need to be addressed and might now have ever been addressed had it not been for the A being revealed. I think that both S's can come out healthier, happier people, but it takes ALOT of work...It's tedious, painful and just plain old sucks for a good long while. Time does heal some of the pain, but it will always be there lurking in the back of your head, waiting to rear it's ugly head whenever things go sour. You have to get professional help and learn new strategies for coping with the betrayal and the needs and wants of the B S...And you have to be completely open and honest about whatever it is that he feels he needs to know to move on. The obsessive desire to know every detail does pass eventually because it ceases to be productive after a time, but it is very hard at first. You can't move past something of a traumatic nature, if you have not talked about it and gotten it out in the open...Hope this helps. I am no expert, but I am a BS who is still Married two years after finding out about one main 10 year affair and multiple inbetween...Good luck.

[Trialbyfire]

Better to hear it from you than to find out about it by themselves through their own cognizance or from a third party. Either way, be prepared for an extended period of living hell, where you will have to regain that trust over and over again because they will be going through a roller coaster ride of emotions.

 

When you tell him, make sure you take full responsibility for your actions and that you were the one to stop the affair because you woke up and realized how much more important to you that he was, than the other man. If you deny full responsibility or try to justify it, I guarantee that you will never regain his trust and respect again. As it stands, you will only have a slim chance of doing it through open channels of communication and copious amounts of patience on your side.

[GirlFromOz]

Dear Guest,

 

I think that OOD & TBF have given excellent advice to you, however, I disagree with them in that, in this particular case, I don't think you should tell your husband.

 

The experience of finding out that your spouse has cheated on you is absolutely devastating. You are crushed beyond words and your whole sense of self, your whole belief system, your whole life is thrown into chaos. You can never be the same person you were prior to finding out about the affair as something dies in you. You lose trust, not only in your spouse, but in everyone & everything around you.

 

As your infidelities were short-lived & are now completely over, and as it does not appear as though you have any sort of emotional attachment to any of them, I believe that you should spare your husband the heartache & pain of knowing about them. This will not spare you, however, as you will have to go through the rest of your life with the guilt and the knowledge that you betrayed you partner.

 

Whether you decide to tell your husband or not, the most important thing is that you use this experience to work on your marriage & to address the things that weren't working or that forced you to look outside the marriage in the first place.

[silktricks]

You really don't have much choice. If you want a true whole marriage, honesty is the basis of it. If you don't tell him, everytime he gives you any part of himself, you will know his love is based on your lies. Someone else knows things that he does not. It's simply not right.

 

However, you need to go into telling him with the knowledge that your marriage may not survive the truth. Finding out from your lips, even after it's over that you have deceived him and cheated on him will be utterly devastating.

 

Can the marriage survive and flourish? Yes, it can. It's been 2+ years since D-Day for us and we are doing well. It's difficult to get past though - very difficult - and has been tremendously painful. Frankly, we both went through hell, not just me. I didn't know if I would survive, as I didn't want to. A suicide watch was on me at one point, but my husband was suicidal as well.

 

As GFO said, the most important thing IS that you address the things that weren't working in your marriage, but that should IMHO be something that you are both doing, with full knowledge.

[TYASAFAHICSI]

I will go against the grain here. What are his feelings on infidelity to begin with. If he is staunchly against it, I imagine the disclosure will ruin your marraige. He will never be able to look at you the same way and there will always be a trust issue. There will no matter how much you think there wont.

 

Now, if this was a short time deal and it is truly over. Do you love your hubby? Do you see yourself cheating again? Is there any chance that you are awareof that it might become public? Did a mutual friend see you with loverboy? If you love him and are not gonna do it again and it probably will not come out on it's own--I see no sense in telling him

[BeenAround_N_Back]

Dear Guest,

 

I am a BS and I can tell you when my H told me about the A, the relationhip and the person I thought he was died. We had to rebuild. It hurts like hell for a while, but in the long term, the our relationship is better now. D day for me was 10 months ago. This is a very short time compared to others and I have not gone through MC or any type of therapy. I am pretty honest with myself and our communcations are good that I did not feel a need to pay someone to help faciliate communications. This is not to say it has been an easy road... we are still working our relationship. If he was the one who cheated, would you want to know now ... or later? I mean, the fact that you cheated, it was part of who you are or who you were.... he deserves the right to know. You should be fair to him and tell him the truth. And you asked about the trust... that has to be earned... because once the A is discovered, the unconditional trust is completely gone... not sure if it will ever come back. But trust can be regained... little by little. And things are actually better after the affair because there must have been issues that brought on the A and these issueses need to be addressed.... the betrayal hurts like a b*tch but in some ways I think we needed for this to happen for our marriage to be stronger. But this is not to say I wish to relive this again.

Goodluck

[herenow]

If you do tell him make sure you are COMPLETELY honest to begin with. If you leave things out or minimize the affair in any way, and he finds out later, you will never regain his trust. Do not think that holding back anything will make it easier for him. Holding back will destroy your chances of saving your marriage.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I would like to know your thoughts.

 

I am thinking about telling my husband about my infidelities. They have been going on for a very short time and I have completely ended them. I am scared though.

 

could you elaborate more? was there 1 long term affair? Multiple affairs? Were they just sexually short lived affairs?

 

If you have been in the situation where your partner has told you about their infidelities, how did you feel?

 

I felt betrayed, humiliated, not worthy, weak, angry, sad, just plain kicked in the ribs by the one I trusted the most. I also went thru all the stages of grief…its not just for death. Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Anger and finally Acceptance of the situation.

 

 

 

What thoughts went through your head?

 

I cannot even gather them all to list here. I thought of everything that took place in my relationship…things I should have done and not done. And the thoughts of my wife with this other man sexually….that in itself was so humiliating to me as a man. It really did a number on my emotions and state of mind. Being betrayed is something you cannot describe….it is personal and each person who is forced into this situation deals with it in there own way.

 

Did it REALLY make things better that you were told?

 

I believe yes it did. I knew my gut was telling me something just wasn’t right here….but I had no way of getting the truth. And when she told me, it sucked, it hurt…it hurt BAD…but at least I knew my gut was right.

 

How is it going to be better to tell him now rather than later? How will it be better to tell him rather than not at all (it is over now - so in my mind is not an issue)?

 

I cannot answer that since I don’t know what I would feel, if my wife told me years later. I assume I would feel like just as bad.

 

For those who have survived an affair - how did you get over it?

 

Love hope and faith. Trust in God that the trials I was facing were to make me grow strength in my spirit.

 

Have your REALLY learned to trust your partner again?

 

Yes I have….but it has taken almost 3 years to get this point.

 

Can it ever be the same or better after an affair?

 

no it is never the same…and as Owl once said….why would you want it the same? “same” is what got us to this situation. So no it is never the same.

 

For me….I would say, it is better and will get even more better. I have always said my wifes affair was bittersweet. Bitter, because it hurt so bad to be betrayed….it really sucked to go thru these feelings. But it was sweet because it gave me and my wife the opportunity to reconnect on a higher level. To open all the doors in our marriage and take us to a place were we could be totally honest with eachother.

 

My wife and I have come along way and its for the better. We could have just gave up. but we didn’t. We choose to make it work. It was and still is a long hard journey…I wouldnt wish this on anyone, but in the long run it will help out marriage go to a place it never could go unless this happened. Sucks that it happened…but we are choosing to gain from this, rather than lose everything we had.

[BeenAround_N_Back]

 

For me….I would say, it is better and will get even more better. I have always said my wifes affair was bittersweet. Bitter, because it hurt so bad to be betrayed….it really sucked to go thru these feelings. But it was sweet because it gave me and my wife the opportunity to reconnect on a higher level. To open all the doors in our marriage and take us to a place were we could be totally honest with eachother.

 

My wife and I have come along way and its for the better. We could have just gave up. but we didn’t. We choose to make it work. It was and still is a long hard journey…I wouldnt wish this on anyone, but in the long run it will help out marriage go to a place it never could go unless this happened. Sucks that it happened…but we are choosing to gain from this, rather than lose everything we had.

 

 

I totally agree!!

[Krytellan]

Oh God no you two... (and I'm not religious).

 

The question I think is: If you don't tell him now are you going to wind up telling him later? If the answer to that is yes then pleeeeaaase tell him now. He deserves that.

[syz]

Better that you tell him rather than have him discover it down the line. The added betrayal to finding out on your own is terrible. You feel like a fool, stupid, and even more worthless and betrayed. I should know. It adds to the sense that you cannot trust yourself much less the other person because you have been living a lie for so long. It renders every promise you ever made meaningless which lets face it, it has.

 

Hopefully you will come clean and begin to deal with yourself, your esteem issues and your marriage in a healthier way. You may lose it along the way which is a chance you will have to take but you already were willing to risk your marriage by your choices. Now give him the choice to face the R honestly as well.

[Guest]

could you elaborate more? was there 1 long term affair? Multiple affairs? Were they just sexually short lived affairs?

 

It was none of those... It was 1 affair that was not long term. It lasted 3 weeks from the point of meeting him to the sexual act (which was once). I have not had any contact with him since the sexual act. I saw him a total of about 5 times during these 3 weeks and had a lot of non face to face contact (phone/internet).

[Guest]

I will go against the grain here. What are his feelings on infidelity to begin with. If he is staunchly against it, I imagine the disclosure will ruin your marraige. He will never be able to look at you the same way and there will always be a trust issue. There will no matter how much you think there wont.

 

He already doesn't trust me. Even though I have been faithful throughout our whole relationship up until now. I got rid of all my male friends (which I have hated and resented him for) to make him comfortable. I have stopped going out nearly all together - unless he was with me. I was treated as a cheater before I even cheated. I think this was one thing that made me go ahead with it, even though I did resist.

 

He had only been with one person before me, and he found her kissing someone else 2 years into their relationship - when he was 19. Then I tried to get together with him, a year later, and due to his shyness, he didn't respond. I thought he wasn't interested so slept with someone else. He counts this as cheating (even though we didn't get together for 1 month after). I have been with more people than him - and have been honest about all of them. This is also the reason I allowed him to have a break, early on in our relationship, so he could sleep with someone else. I also gave him a threesome to increase his count. Yet I still don't have unconditional trust. I never have and never will.

 

But now I've lost my ability to be friends with guys - with no sexual attatchment, and while this was supposed to be a friendship (no I didn't meet him at band, I met him through work - and I don't work there anymore) I didn't know how to control my emotions - I used to be able to and I attribute this to the lack of male friends I now have.

 

Things were starting to get better. I have now rejoined my band (concert band) and started doing a few other extra curricular activities, and he's not been making me feel as guilty as he used to about being away from him. He even made me feel ok about going to my sister's hens night and sleeping at my parents on the night before her wedding (which he used to make me feel guilty if I was away from him for more than an hour unless it was work related). I don't want this to go backwards, because even if he were willing to work things out with our marriage, if I was to be taken back to not being allowed to go out, I don't think I could stay - it will make things worse.

 

In my opinion, I have already received the punishment (having to regain the trust) after an A, so I am ready to move on. I just want to be sure that I am doing the right thing, and discussing it here helps me clarify it in my head, so thank you all for your inputs/opinions and suggestions. They all help.

[Madeamistake]

could you elaborate more? was there 1 long term affair? Multiple affairs? Were they just sexually short lived affairs?

 

 

 

I felt betrayed, humiliated, not worthy, weak, angry, sad, just plain kicked in the ribs by the one I trusted the most. I also went thru all the stages of grief…its not just for death. Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Anger and finally Acceptance of the situation.

 

 

 

 

 

I cannot even gather them all to list here. I thought of everything that took place in my relationship…things I should have done and not done. And the thoughts of my wife with this other man sexually….that in itself was so humiliating to me as a man. It really did a number on my emotions and state of mind. Being betrayed is something you cannot describe….it is personal and each person who is forced into this situation deals with it in there own way.

 

 

 

I believe yes it did. I knew my gut was telling me something just wasn’t right here….but I had no way of getting the truth. And when she told me, it sucked, it hurt…it hurt BAD…but at least I knew my gut was right.

 

 

 

I cannot answer that since I don’t know what I would feel, if my wife told me years later. I assume I would feel like just as bad.

 

 

 

Love hope and faith. Trust in God that the trials I was facing were to make me grow strength in my spirit.

 

 

 

Yes I have….but it has taken almost 3 years to get this point.

 

 

 

no it is never the same…and as Owl once said….why would you want it the same? “same” is what got us to this situation. So no it is never the same.

 

For me….I would say, it is better and will get even more better. I have always said my wifes affair was bittersweet. Bitter, because it hurt so bad to be betrayed….it really sucked to go thru these feelings. But it was sweet because it gave me and my wife the opportunity to reconnect on a higher level. To open all the doors in our marriage and take us to a place were we could be totally honest with eachother.

 

My wife and I have come along way and its for the better. We could have just gave up. but we didn’t. We choose to make it work. It was and still is a long hard journey…I wouldnt wish this on anyone, but in the long run it will help out marriage go to a place it never could go unless this happened. Sucks that it happened…but we are choosing to gain from this, rather than lose everything we had.

 

I admire your strength and you wife is one heck of a lucky woman! I hope that the guest's husband has the same strength and willpower as your husband does!

 

Tx!

[hardrock]

So you are saying you slept with someone else because you are resentful of him wanting you to give up all your old boyfriends/FWB's/etc.? You are married. Sounds like you shouldn't have gotten married.

 

You weren't ready to give up the boyfriends, the clubs/bars, the "band life", etc. You can't really rationalize your affair, but you can learn from it. Just from what you have posted, these excuses you've given are pretty selfish and weak. We don't know you, or your day to day life, so I am not going to preach.

 

I don't think it matters if you tell him or not if you aren't going to be commited to the marriage. It sounds like you are set up to hurt him either way until you deal with your own insecurities and immaturity.

[Guest]

So you are saying you slept with someone else because you are resentful of him wanting you to give up all your old boyfriends/FWB's/etc.? You are married. Sounds like you shouldn't have gotten married.

 

I think there's a bit of misunderstanding here, though I understand why, because I am not coming out with everything here, otherwise there is a chance that I will be found out.

 

I don't care about old boyfriends. I have no contact with ex's at all. I am just better friends will male people. And for my ENTIRE life, I have had more male friends than female and I have NEVER slept with someone (or kissed or anything of the sort) who was my friends. Yet this made my husband uncomfortable so I got rid of my friends.. and now I feel a bit resentful because I feel I don't have any friends at all..and it's because of him. I have tried to replace them with female friends, but I just don't relate well to them.

I don't know what FWB's are so I can't comment (I am still learning all of the abbreviations here).

 

I agree - I sometimes wonder whether I should have got married or not myself, but I am and I think I owe it to my husband to try and sort things out... I wish I come to this realization before the A, but I can't take it back now, and to be honest, I think it's best left as a bad memory of mine, rather than dragged out into the open.

 

You weren't ready to give up the boyfriends, the clubs/bars, the "band life", etc. You can't really rationalize your affair, but you can learn from it. Just from what you have posted, these excuses you've given are pretty selfish and weak. We don't know you, or your day to day life, so I am not going to preach.

 

I gave up boyfriends.

I don't drink or like clubs/bars at all - I wouldn't go there if I was single, let alone now.

 

My band is not a 'rock' band with the sex/drugs/alcohol/hard life connotations. It's a hobby. It's a concert band - like an orchestra. I practice 2 hours a week on one night and I invite my hubby along EVERY Practice and every concert. I enjoy going out and doing things like this. I mentioned that this was a good thing that was happening in our relationship. He has made me feel good about it. I also wanted to make the point that I did not meet the OM there. The band was not an excuse to have an affair.

 

To be honest, I wasn't trying to give excuses to having the affair. I don't know why I did it. I am disgusted in myself for doing it. I abhor people who have affairs - yet I found myself doing it.

 

I was finding myself a little caged up (hey I couldn't even go and visit my Mum and Dad without feeling guilty) and I attributed this to try and explain why I might have got the feelings I did, but yes, I know - that ultimately the fault lies with me... because I should have spoken to him about it, I shouldn't have put myself in the situation to feel what I did... I am in control of my own body.

 

I don't think it matters if you tell him or not if you aren't going to be commited to the marriage. It sounds like you are set up to hurt him either way until you deal with your own insecurities and immaturity.

 

I have learned from this big mistake, and really came here as an outlet to put things straight in my mind. I appreciate the advice/critisms and devils advocate comments, but ultimately I am sure I have made the right decision in choosing to keep this quiet.

 

I have been addressing my insecurities and I think the A has made me grow up quite significantly. Last night I was even able to address the lack of male friends with my husband and he was very understanding. I just wish (and I wish with ALL my heart) that I had discovered that maturity and ability to communicate with him before I had the affair - So that I could enter this new faze of our relationship with a clear conscience.

 

I know I could make that clear by telling him, but I've weighed up the goods and bads on both sides, and if the situations were reversed.. I wouldn't want to know... and knowing my husband the way I do - he'd feel the same way. (and I know this, because I actually asked him last night)

[Sup]

Have you gotten tested for ALL STD's? Your husband has the right to know if he's been infected.

[Sal Paradise]

but I can't take it back now, and to be honest, I think it's best left as a bad memory of mine, rather than dragged out into the open.

 

If you don't tell him you have no right to be married to him. Marriage is about honesty and loyalty. You have violated both. He has the right to know that his wife can't be trusted. That she put his health at risk (emotional and physical). He has the right to know what kind of woman he is married to. He has the right to know how lightly you take your vows. He has the right to know all of that and then decide if you're worth staying with. You don't have the right to deny him that knowledge or that choice. You don't have the right to potentially waste his life. What if he finds out 10 years or 20 years from now. What if he feels like you wasted his life? We only get one shot at this mess and we shouldn't have to waste it with someone who would rather be with someone else. The course of his life should not be dictated by your fear of your lies and betrayal. Your cowardice should not decide the path he takes from here. He has every right to know what you have done.

 

Also consider this...

 

The marriage cannot get any better if you remain a coward and keep this from him. If you tell him one of three things are likely to happen.

 

1) He will leave you. At the very least a marriage with many problems will come to and end and you will both be free to find someone who will make you happy. He will be free to find someone who will be honest, respectful and not betray his love.

 

2) He will decide to stay and work on the marriage. You will have the opportunity to become a better wife and he will have the opportunity to become a better husband. The marriage could get better. Perhaps in time after you've earned his trust back he may come to terms with his jealousy issues (perhaps therapy could help him with it). You could both go to marriage counselling and work on ways to communicate and deal with the problems within the marriage. He may never be comfortable with you having tons of male friends (many guys would have difficulty dealing with their wife mostly only having males friends) but perhaps if you work on the marriage his jealousy issues could become less of sore spot. You can't do that without total honesty and if you don't tell him you cheated you can't have total honesty. Perhaps in time you two could become better friends and he could help fill the need the for male companionship.

 

3) He will decide to stay and work it out. Except things don't improve after a couple of years so you file for divorce. Then you can both move on find someone else who will make you happy. He will be free to find a honest woman who won't cheat on him. And you can find a guy who won't be uptight about you having tons of male friends (good luck finding that).

 

 

If you keep this from him the likelyhood of it happening again goes up. He will probably eventually find out. It could take years but these things have a way of coming out one way or another. Better for him to find out now than later. As I said earlier, you have no right to keep this from him. He has every right to determine whether or not he wants to continue being married to someone who cheated. If you don't tell him you're betraying him every minute of every hour of every day you spend with him for the rest of your life.

[Marcus as the Peanut]

"", I have had more male friends than female and I have NEVER slept with someone (or kissed or anything of the sort) who was my friends. Yet this made my husband uncomfortable""

 

Yes with good reason´s it turns out! Dont you think?

[FlyingHigh]

I would like to know your thoughts.

 

I am thinking about telling my husband about my infidelities. They have been going on for a very short time and I have completely ended them. I am scared though.

 

If you have been in the situation where your partner has told you about their infidelities, how did you feel? What thoughts went through your head? Did it REALLY make things better that you were told?

 

How is it going to be better to tell him now rather than later? How will it be better to tell him rather than not at all (it is over now - so in my mind is not an issue)?

 

For those who have survived an affair - how did you get over it? Have your REALLY learned to trust your partner again? Can it ever be the same or better after an affair?

How would you like to be treated if the situation were reversed?

1) Be lied to?

2) Be dealt with honesty and integrity?

 

Pick one! Either way, it determines one's character, doesn't?

 

Part of being an "adult" is owning up to the responsibilites of the choices we make.

 

Part of being a responsible adult is facing the consequences for the choices we make.

 

Part of life is learning. This IS one your life lessons to bear. If you don't, life is like a boomerang. It will come back to haunt you until you get it right.

 

Understand WHY you cheated in the first place. That's a lesson in itself. Until you do, you won't have much to offer to your husband or anyone else. It doesn't matter whether or not the affair was ONS or short term. It's still an affair. It's still cheating. It's still dishonest.

 

Your husband's choice to stay married to you is his alone. He too, has to understand why you cheated in the first place. He will be devastated but at least he will know the truth. You owe him that. How he will deal with it will be his own life lessons to bear and yours.

 

In order for the BS to trust again, h/she has to LEARN to forgive. That's when the healing starts. In return, the Wayward Spouse (WS) HAS TO be willing to be an open book to ensure the the BS regain trust and security in the marriage. The downside to this is that your action and behavior is scrutinized under a microscope. The BS is looking for consistencies or inconsistencies between what the WS say and do. There is no time limit when the BS is able to trust again.

 

Check out www.marriagebuilders.com. There are success stories even after infidelity. Some of the veterans whose marriages did survive may guide you. But you need to be honest with your husband. This is your responisbility. It's not an option when it comes to your marriage.

 

Good luck.

[silktricks]

Good luck. I hope everything works out for both of you.

[Djaba]

I just joined LS a few weeks ago and although I am occasionally annoyed by a given position that strikes a nerve or a piece of advice with which I just vehemently disagree, I am constantly awed by the collective insight and wisdom and, for the most part, the good-will of this little virtual community.

 

To the original poster (OP): I have to admit that I found myself in sympathy with the response that it sounds like you (and he) shouldn't be married. But I also know that life is complicated and none of us likes to be alone, and ultimately I am not in a position to judge. But it might be something to think about.

 

To me, the posts from Out of Darkness and Thumbing my Way both deserve to be read several times and reflected upon; I think there is a lot of insight to be gained from both.

 

I may have missed something, but one thing that is not clear to me is whether you have children with this man (or children who view him as their father). If you do not, then I think Sal Paradise's statement - although as blunt as the backside of an axhead (that's not a criticism!) is right on target: "If you don't tell him you have no right to be married to him." I confess that, unless there are kids involved, I get quite disgusted when I read posts saying "No absolutely don't tell her / him you will ruin his / her life and the marriage...." In the absence of children for whom a couple shares responsibility, I don't think the issue of the marriage is paramount: your moral responsibility is to the other person first, who deserves to know every material fact about the person he / she has chosen to be in a relationship with, and who may or may not choose to stay in a relationship.

 

If there are kids in the picture, I guess I'm willing to consider the possibility of non-disclosure, although even then my gut pulls in the other direction.

[Djaba]

The experience of finding out that your spouse has cheated on you is absolutely devastating. You are crushed beyond words and your whole sense of self, your whole belief system, your whole life is thrown into chaos. You can never be the same person you were prior to finding out about the affair as something dies in you. You lose trust, not only in your spouse, but in everyone & everything around you.

 

Sorry, I meant also to include this ref in my previous post - mainly to say that although I am deeply sympathetic with GFZ's experience that led to these statements, it doesn't have to be like this. Three months ago, I found out about serious infidelity by my soon-to-be ex-wife of 3+ years (relationship for 5+), whom I absolutely adored, and to whom I was unfathomably devoted. Yes, I was devastated, but I also realised very early on (within the first 2-3 weeks) that I had the strength to refuse to let the experience destroy me, that I would not allow it to jade me toward women, toward love, toward people and relationships generally. That doesn't mean that it isn't also quite a roller-coaster ride - grief sucks - but we *can* choose to rise above despair and devastation.

[FlyingHigh]

To the original poster (OP): I have to admit that I found myself in sympathy with the response that it sounds like you (and he) shouldn't be married. But I also know that life is complicated and none of us likes to be alone, and ultimately I am not in a position to judge. But it might be something to think about.

This is where we humans have a tough time with. We are by nature innately social beings and being "alone" can become a double edged sword.

 

On the one hand, this is when so many get themselves in trouble compounding their already complicated lives. Add our lack of skills to resolve problems because our response systems are wired with the "flight or fight". And sometimes, even with this system, it adds more more problems.

 

On the other hand, there is the beauty of being alone. This is the self-discovery and knowing thyself phase which we take for granted and so many don't do. Because we "fear" of being alone, we rarely discover who we truly are. So people never get to the point of being comfortable or just being content being alone.

 

What happens when we are feeling in the dumps? The flight response kicks in. We call friends to go out and put on a pity party. In the end, when the party is over, we're still alone. Some resort to pain killers, sleeping pills and booze to numb that loneliness hoping it will pass.

 

Imagine what people can discover about themselve if only they take some time to not fear being alone. It's no wonder, so many people jump from one relationship to the next and never really understanding why those relationships don't last.