Wife wants separation

[Hugh]

Hello all, I'm new here. I've read a few threads here, but none seem very similar to my situation (well, we're all different I guess, right?). I suppose I'm looking for some advice, and maybe just looking to vent as well.

 

I've been with my wife for about 18 years, but married only 8. No children. She wants to "try a trial separation for a few months". I don't really see the reason for it. I think we could work things out while living under the same roof - although I'm not sure I want to work things out any more.

 

We moved here to the big city from the suburbs, right before we got married (8 years ago), so that she could persue her career in music recording. I really didn't want to move here, but I did because I love her and I've always supported her decisions. I really don't like the city, though, and prefer the suburbs or the country.

 

She struggled with her career for many years as a freelance recording engineer. It didn't bring in much money, and it was very sporadic work. I have always worked consistently, and have a fairly sucessful career. IOW, I've always been the major earner in the household. I never held it against her, though. I always encouraged her when she was doing poorly, always tried to think of ways to further her career, designed and built a website for her, etc.

 

In the meantime, about two years ago, she found some part time work at a non-profit organization. She enjoyed the work, even though she didn't earn much money doing it, but that's OK, because money isn't everything, right? I just want her to be happy at what she's doing, instead of being depressed half the time. About a year ago, she completely gave up on the music career, because there just wasn't any work coming in from it.

 

Now, to be fair, I wasn't ALWAYS supportive of her working very late hours for several weeks at a time doing music, especially when she would get so depressed during the long dry periods. Again, I tried to think of ways for her to move forward in her career, while maybe having more regular hours, so that we could be together more, and have a semi-normal life together. None of my ideas were ever good enough, though.

 

Since she had given up on the music career, I started to push for us to move back to the suburbs, buy a house, etc. Since she was no longer persuing music, there was really no need for us to live in the city any more. She finally got on board with the idea of moving out of the city, and we even thought of ways that she could stay semi-active with music (with a home studio, for example). I didn't want her to completely give up on music, because when she's doing it, she's so happy. Also, it's kinda cool! I play guitar in my spare time, and I love the work she does - it's very interesting.

 

Well, a few weeks ago, she confessed that she DOESN'T want to leave the city. She loves it here, and she's not ready to give up on music. She even booked a music gig. I immediatly started trying to think of compromises: OK, we'll stay here in the city, maybe we can buy a multi-family house, maybe we can buy a loft, maybe we can move just outside the city, etc.

 

In the meantime, she started staying out very late with the people from her other job at the non-profit. She always went out on Thursdays with them, which I was fine with, but it started to become an almost nightly occurence. She'd come home at 4 or 5 in the morning, or call me to say she was staying at so-and-so's place because she was too drunk to drive.

 

I could tell that she was avoiding me. She had something to tell me, and she couldn't get up the courage. Of course, I thought the worst: divorce. I prepared myself mentally for it. Finally, one night last week, I demanded that she come home instead of going out partying and TALK TO ME! She finally came clean - she wants to try a trial separation for a few months.

 

The reasons she gave me don't quite add up (and my therapist agrees). She said that I had been holding her back from her music career (even though I moved here to NYC and put a roof over her head, always encouraged her and tried to brainstorm ideas to help, etc.) She said that since her mother died a few years ago, she's changed (I still don't know what that has to do with us). She said that she wants to try being out on her own (I don't understand why).

 

I think it's entirely possible that she's found someone else. I know she's capable of cheating on me, because I caught her having phone sex with someone a few years ago. We did a few sessions of couples therapy after that, and things were better for a while. Sex between us has become very infrequent over the last several years, although I'm partly to blame for that - I don't think we're attracted to each other any more.

 

I'm going to tell her that I want to go with her to her next therapy session (we both do individual therapy) to try and get to the bottom of this. I don't think I'm getting the whole story from her.

 

I've been a devoted, supportive, and faithfull partner and husband to her for 18 years, and this is what I get? I feel like I've thrown some of the best years of my life away. I could have had a house half paid for already - IOW, a mature, adult life - but it seems that at age 34, she just wants to party and have fun. I'm 36, I've had enough of this city.

 

Wow, sorry for the incredibly long rant. If you've read this far, I thank you!

[Rooster_DAR]

Hello all, I'm new here. I've read a few threads here, but none seem very similar to my situation (well, we're all different I guess, right?). I suppose I'm looking for some advice, and maybe just looking to vent as well.

 

I've been with my wife for about 18 years, but married only 8. No children. She wants to "try a trial separation for a few months". I don't really see the reason for it. I think we could work things out while living under the same roof - although I'm not sure I want to work things out any more.

 

We moved here to the big city from the suburbs, right before we got married (8 years ago), so that she could persue her career in music recording. I really didn't want to move here, but I did because I love her and I've always supported her decisions. I really don't like the city, though, and prefer the suburbs or the country.

 

She struggled with her career for many years as a freelance recording engineer. It didn't bring in much money, and it was very sporadic work. I have always worked consistently, and have a fairly sucessful career. IOW, I've always been the major earner in the household. I never held it against her, though. I always encouraged her when she was doing poorly, always tried to think of ways to further her career, designed and built a website for her, etc.

 

In the meantime, about two years ago, she found some part time work at a non-profit organization. She enjoyed the work, even though she didn't earn much money doing it, but that's OK, because money isn't everything, right? I just want her to be happy at what she's doing, instead of being depressed half the time. About a year ago, she completely gave up on the music career, because there just wasn't any work coming in from it.

 

Now, to be fair, I wasn't ALWAYS supportive of her working very late hours for several weeks at a time doing music, especially when she would get so depressed during the long dry periods. Again, I tried to think of ways for her to move forward in her career, while maybe having more regular hours, so that we could be together more, and have a semi-normal life together. None of my ideas were ever good enough, though.

 

Since she had given up on the music career, I started to push for us to move back to the suburbs, buy a house, etc. Since she was no longer persuing music, there was really no need for us to live in the city any more. She finally got on board with the idea of moving out of the city, and we even thought of ways that she could stay semi-active with music (with a home studio, for example). I didn't want her to completely give up on music, because when she's doing it, she's so happy. Also, it's kinda cool! I play guitar in my spare time, and I love the work she does - it's very interesting.

 

Well, a few weeks ago, she confessed that she DOESN'T want to leave the city. She loves it here, and she's not ready to give up on music. She even booked a music gig. I immediatly started trying to think of compromises: OK, we'll stay here in the city, maybe we can buy a multi-family house, maybe we can buy a loft, maybe we can move just outside the city, etc.

 

In the meantime, she started staying out very late with the people from her other job at the non-profit. She always went out on Thursdays with them, which I was fine with, but it started to become an almost nightly occurence. She'd come home at 4 or 5 in the morning, or call me to say she was staying at so-and-so's place because she was too drunk to drive.

 

I could tell that she was avoiding me. She had something to tell me, and she couldn't get up the courage. Of course, I thought the worst: divorce. I prepared myself mentally for it. Finally, one night last week, I demanded that she come home instead of going out partying and TALK TO ME! She finally came clean - she wants to try a trial separation for a few months.

 

The reasons she gave me don't quite add up (and my therapist agrees). She said that I had been holding her back from her music career (even though I moved here to NYC and put a roof over her head, always encouraged her and tried to brainstorm ideas to help, etc.) She said that since her mother died a few years ago, she's changed (I still don't know what that has to do with us). She said that she wants to try being out on her own (I don't understand why).

 

I think it's entirely possible that she's found someone else. I know she's capable of cheating on me, because I caught her having phone sex with someone a few years ago. We did a few sessions of couples therapy after that, and things were better for a while. Sex between us has become very infrequent over the last several years, although I'm partly to blame for that - I don't think we're attracted to each other any more.

 

I'm going to tell her that I want to go with her to her next therapy session (we both do individual therapy) to try and get to the bottom of this. I don't think I'm getting the whole story from her.

 

I've been a devoted, supportive, and faithfull partner and husband to her for 18 years, and this is what I get? I feel like I've thrown some of the best years of my life away. I could have had a house half paid for already - IOW, a mature, adult life - but it seems that at age 34, she just wants to party and have fun. I'm 36, I've had enough of this city.

 

Wow, sorry for the incredibly long rant. If you've read this far, I thank you!

 

When a woman asks for a seperation, it's always because someone else is in the picuture (generally speaking). The staying out late hours and coming home drunk are sure signs that she is seeing someone else. Why did you tolerate this kind of activity? You wife is now at her sexual prime, and most guys will ignore this because their seemingly lack of interest in sex with them. She is at an age of crisis, and I believe she is bored and perhaps there is more to the story. I have no doubt she is at least got warmies for someone else, but there is always a small chance that she is being truthful.

 

Your only hope now is to sit down and have a long talk with her, but I will warn you now if she is seeing someone on at least an emotional level, you are not going to get any straight answers. You need to muster up all of your energy and focus on the relationship if you want to save it, and that must include both of you going to therapy. You quoted "I don't think we're attracted to each other any more", that to me says things have really gotten stale between you romantically. She is being wooed by someone who is giving her this unmet need, and the more time she spends around this guy (if she is doing this), the worse your chances are of bringing her back. If you don't want to lose her, confront her now and put everything you have back into your relationship.

 

Good luck!

[Hugh]

When a woman asks for a seperation, it's always because someone else is in the picuture (generally speaking). The staying out late hours and coming home drunk are sure signs that she is seeing someone else. Why did you tolerate this kind of activity? You wife is now at her sexual prime, and most guys will ignore this because their seemingly lack of interest in sex with them. She is at an age of crisis, and I believe she is bored and perhaps there is more to the story. I have no doubt she is at least got warmies for someone else, but there is always a small chance that she is being truthful.

I sort of agree AND disagree with you on this. I've spoken to a few women who wanted a separation or divorce because they needed to find themselves, because they don't feel like they have a self. I mean, c'mon, it's usually us guys who leave for someone else (typically a younger, prettier thing), and women tend to leave because they need to find their own sense of self. Not always, but generally speaking. She and I did have a long talk about how BOTH of us feel that we've been denying ourselves.

 

HOWEVER, I agree with you that her staying out late partying is VERY suspicious behavior. In my case, I wouldn't be surprised if she is cheating on me.

 

Your only hope now is to sit down and have a long talk with her, but I will warn you now if she is seeing someone on at least an emotional level, you are not going to get any straight answers. You need to muster up all of your energy and focus on the relationship if you want to save it, and that must include both of you going to therapy. You quoted "I don't think we're attracted to each other any more", that to me says things have really gotten stale between you romantically. She is being wooed by someone who is giving her this unmet need, and the more time she spends around this guy (if she is doing this), the worse your chances are of bringing her back. If you don't want to lose her, confront her now and put everything you have back into your relationship.

 

Good luck!

Yeah, she's coming home in a while to talk. I spoke to her a few minutes ago, and actually got really mad at her for the first time since this all started. I said "OK, are you sure you're coming home to talk, or are you going to have a few beers and then come home at 6AM?"

 

At the moment, I'm not sure if I want things to work out between us, I'm so mad at her.

 

Thanks for your advice, Rooster. I really do appreciate it.

[Rooster_DAR]

I sort of agree AND disagree with you on this. I've spoken to a few women who wanted a separation or divorce because they needed to find themselves, because they don't feel like they have a self. I mean, c'mon, it's usually us guys who leave for someone else (typically a younger, prettier thing), and women tend to leave because they need to find their own sense of self. Not always, but generally speakin

 

With all due respect, you may want to educate yourself a little more in this area. Sure I could be wrong, but more importantly you need to understand there is a gross misconception men have about women. I would almost bet that these women you knew that were in "Search for self" really translated to I found somone else. May men that have lost their wives never even knew about their infedelity, so try to be open minded about the possibility. I sugguest you do some more reading on this topic, and do a search on this and other sites for the quotes "I need space" "I need to find myself" and similar. Nine times out of ten women that use this terminlogy were already engage in some kind of emotional battle, usually with an outside partner.

 

More women now days are ending relationships than men (around 70 to 90 percent initiate divorce), and in nearly all of the cases done by some independant studies show they have engaged in an outside affair. I hope this is not the case, but you certainly need to be prepared for it if it's indeed true.

 

Please have a quick look at this link, it will explain a little more on what I'm trying to convey. Again, I'm not saying this is the case, but I think you need to do a little intelligence gathering while your trying to decipher this mess.

 

http://womensinfidelity.com/

 

 

Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

She said that since her mother died a few years ago, she's changed (I still don't know what that has to do with us). She said that she wants to try being out on her own (I don't understand why).

 

Her mom died and that has changed her forever. Losing a parent, especially if she was close with her mom, this will affect her for a long time. And, wanting to try to be on her own just means she wants to be independant. Has she ever lived alone? Or has she always had someone to rely on? Sounds like she needs to find herself....Though, with that being said, it seems she is leaving the door open a crack for someone else...And that may not mean she's cheating now, but may at some point in the near future.

 

I do have a question, has she ever asked you or you asked her to go along on her nights out? Or is this always been this way? Her staying out too late and drinking?

[FlyingHigh]

Ditto with rooster!

 

Your wife is cheating on you. No married woman who supposedly loves her husband and devoted/faithful would party in the wee hours of the night ESPECIALLY if you haven't met her "hang out" buddies. This is your BIG clue here. If she's out with the girls, that's one thing. BUT, she hasn't bothered to introduce you to her night bossom buddies! Why not? The answer is pretty obvious. You're giving her too much credit. Maybe because YOU already have one foot out the door emotionally.

 

Decide if you want your marriage or not. If you want to salvage it, check out www.marriagebuilders.com. Bet your booties that your wife is having her emotional/physical needs met. And if she is having an affair, if anything, this website may enlighten you in your future relationship either with your wife or someone else.

 

Good luck.

[Lostgurl]

Hello all, I'm new here. I've read a few threads here, but none seem very similar to my situation (well, we're all different I guess, right?). I suppose I'm looking for some advice, and maybe just looking to vent as well.

 

I've been with my wife for about 18 years, but married only 8. No children. She wants to "try a trial separation for a few months". I don't really see the reason for it. I think we could work things out while living under the same roof - although I'm not sure I want to work things out any more.

 

We moved here to the big city from the suburbs, right before we got married (8 years ago), so that she could persue her career in music recording. I really didn't want to move here, but I did because I love her and I've always supported her decisions. I really don't like the city, though, and prefer the suburbs or the country.

 

She struggled with her career for many years as a freelance recording engineer. It didn't bring in much money, and it was very sporadic work. I have always worked consistently, and have a fairly sucessful career. IOW, I've always been the major earner in the household. I never held it against her, though. I always encouraged her when she was doing poorly, always tried to think of ways to further her career, designed and built a website for her, etc.

 

In the meantime, about two years ago, she found some part time work at a non-profit organization. She enjoyed the work, even though she didn't earn much money doing it, but that's OK, because money isn't everything, right? I just want her to be happy at what she's doing, instead of being depressed half the time. About a year ago, she completely gave up on the music career, because there just wasn't any work coming in from it.

 

Now, to be fair, I wasn't ALWAYS supportive of her working very late hours for several weeks at a time doing music, especially when she would get so depressed during the long dry periods. Again, I tried to think of ways for her to move forward in her career, while maybe having more regular hours, so that we could be together more, and have a semi-normal life together. None of my ideas were ever good enough, though.

 

Since she had given up on the music career, I started to push for us to move back to the suburbs, buy a house, etc. Since she was no longer persuing music, there was really no need for us to live in the city any more. She finally got on board with the idea of moving out of the city, and we even thought of ways that she could stay semi-active with music (with a home studio, for example). I didn't want her to completely give up on music, because when she's doing it, she's so happy. Also, it's kinda cool! I play guitar in my spare time, and I love the work she does - it's very interesting.

 

Well, a few weeks ago, she confessed that she DOESN'T want to leave the city. She loves it here, and she's not ready to give up on music. She even booked a music gig. I immediatly started trying to think of compromises: OK, we'll stay here in the city, maybe we can buy a multi-family house, maybe we can buy a loft, maybe we can move just outside the city, etc.

 

In the meantime, she started staying out very late with the people from her other job at the non-profit. She always went out on Thursdays with them, which I was fine with, but it started to become an almost nightly occurence. She'd come home at 4 or 5 in the morning, or call me to say she was staying at so-and-so's place because she was too drunk to drive.

 

I could tell that she was avoiding me. She had something to tell me, and she couldn't get up the courage. Of course, I thought the worst: divorce. I prepared myself mentally for it. Finally, one night last week, I demanded that she come home instead of going out partying and TALK TO ME! She finally came clean - she wants to try a trial separation for a few months.

 

The reasons she gave me don't quite add up (and my therapist agrees). She said that I had been holding her back from her music career (even though I moved here to NYC and put a roof over her head, always encouraged her and tried to brainstorm ideas to help, etc.) She said that since her mother died a few years ago, she's changed (I still don't know what that has to do with us). She said that she wants to try being out on her own (I don't understand why).

 

I think it's entirely possible that she's found someone else. I know she's capable of cheating on me, because I caught her having phone sex with someone a few years ago. We did a few sessions of couples therapy after that, and things were better for a while. Sex between us has become very infrequent over the last several years, although I'm partly to blame for that - I don't think we're attracted to each other any more.

 

I'm going to tell her that I want to go with her to her next therapy session (we both do individual therapy) to try and get to the bottom of this. I don't think I'm getting the whole story from her.

 

I've been a devoted, supportive, and faithfull partner and husband to her for 18 years, and this is what I get? I feel like I've thrown some of the best years of my life away. I could have had a house half paid for already - IOW, a mature, adult life - but it seems that at age 34, she just wants to party and have fun. I'm 36, I've had enough of this city.

 

Wow, sorry for the incredibly long rant. If you've read this far, I thank you!

I'm sorry .. I feel for you terribly. I think that you are right about her seeing someone else. She sounds like she has been seeing someone for a while with her crazy nights out drunk at all hours and being out all night etc...

 

You have done every thing for her and to support her career, and i think she is taking you for granted, thinking that maybe she can just put you on the back burner and look for someone better....

 

You deserve much better than this, your devotion to this woman is something that is hard to find, i hope that you find someone that can love you and appreciate you the same way you love and appreciate others. ..

 

Take care and let us know how things are going with you ok?

 

Lost

[jmargel]

I always thought in a marriage the main thing was compromise. Sounds like she has had it her way for the entire 18 years. Marrying at 18 yrs old, very immature and sounds like she never grew up.

 

It also sounds like you rolled over and piddled quite a bit when she barked. Saying you got mad by just saying "OK, are you sure you're coming home to talk, or are you going to have a few beers and then come home at 6AM?"

 

That's not mad. Besides getting mad won't accomplish anything. What you need to do is gain the confidence in yourself and make her face the consequences for what she's doing.

 

I can guarantee the first time my wife comes home drunk at 6am, it's either 'This will never happen again, or you are out of the house'. I won't put up with that. It's disrespectful. Especially since you are paying for all the bills and she is basically living off of you.

 

Communication between you two has gone way down hill. All the signs point to her cheating.

 

So, what I would do if I was you? Write her a letter or talk to her, calmly but assertively.. Saying 'I love you, but I am not going to tolerate this behavior anymore. If you want to work on this marriage, now is the time. If you don't, then go. But you are not welcomed back into my life or heart. You have taken advantage of me for way too long and my trust for you has diminished. The ball is in your court. I am ready to move on if need be'.

 

Then just walk away. Let her think. Right now you are tolerating her behavior and this will continue to make things worse.

 

As long as you let yourself get disrespected she will continue to do so.

[Hugh]

Wow, thank you all for your responses and your concern.

 

Her mom died and that has changed her forever. Losing a parent, especially if she was close with her mom, this will affect her for a long time. And, wanting to try to be on her own just means she wants to be independant. Has she ever lived alone? Or has she always had someone to rely on? Sounds like she needs to find herself....Though, with that being said, it seems she is leaving the door open a crack for someone else...And that may not mean she's cheating now, but may at some point in the near future.

No, she has never lived alone, and neither have I. We both moved out of our parents' houses and in with each other. The more I think about it, the more I want to try living on my own as well.

 

I do have a question, has she ever asked you or you asked her to go along on her nights out? Or is this always been this way? Her staying out too late and drinking?

Ditto with rooster!

 

Your wife is cheating on you. No married woman who supposedly loves her husband and devoted/faithful would party in the wee hours of the night ESPECIALLY if you haven't met her "hang out" buddies. This is your BIG clue here. If she's out with the girls, that's one thing. BUT, she hasn't bothered to introduce you to her night bossom buddies! Why not? The answer is pretty obvious. You're giving her too much credit. Maybe because YOU already have one foot out the door emotionally.

No, I have met her buddies, and I have been invited out many times - sorry if I didn't make that clear. The main reason that I can't hang out is usually because I have to be up early in the morning, and none of them have to.

 

Also, you have to understand that my wife is just very outgoing and wild, and that's one of the things I like about her. I actually wouldn't want her to change herself to the point that she was no longer the woman I know. She is in no way boring, that's for sure!

 

I'm sorry .. I feel for you terribly. I think that you are right about her seeing someone else. She sounds like she has been seeing someone for a while with her crazy nights out drunk at all hours and being out all night etc...

 

You have done every thing for her and to support her career, and i think she is taking you for granted, thinking that maybe she can just put you on the back burner and look for someone better....

 

You deserve much better than this, your devotion to this woman is something that is hard to find, i hope that you find someone that can love you and appreciate you the same way you love and appreciate others. ..

 

Take care and let us know how things are going with you ok?

 

Lost

Thank you very much for those kind words, lostgurl. I have been starting to feel that I deserve better for quite some time now.

 

I always thought in a marriage the main thing was compromise. Sounds like she has had it her way for the entire 18 years. Marrying at 18 yrs old, very immature and sounds like she never grew up.

(btw, we've been together for 18, but only married for 8)

 

It also sounds like you rolled over and piddled quite a bit when she barked. Saying you got mad by just saying "OK, are you sure you're coming home to talk, or are you going to have a few beers and then come home at 6AM?"

heh - that wasn't all that I said, and it's hard for me to type the sarcasm and vitriol that was in my voice when I said it. She called me again later, and I screamed some **** at her, really lost my temper. I realized that there wasn't much of a point in screaming though.

 

But you touched on something there: I have been rolling when she barks for years. I'm a very easy going guy - some would call me "whipped". I also have a bad habit of holding things in, and letting my anger build up, and then exploding all at once - nothing violent, mind you, but just stupid screaming and yelling. This is something that I have almost gotten rid of through therapy over the last year - and sometimes I get the impression that she doesn't like the "new and improved, communicative" me.

 

So, what I would do if I was you? Write her a letter or talk to her, calmly but assertively.. Saying 'I love you, but I am not going to tolerate this behavior anymore. If you want to work on this marriage, now is the time. If you don't, then go. But you are not welcomed back into my life or heart. You have taken advantage of me for way too long and my trust for you has diminished. The ball is in your court. I am ready to move on if need be'.

Actually, I went a big step further than writing a letter or talking to her: I went to her therapy session with her today. I told her last night that I was going with her, whether she liked it or not. She eventually saw my point of view, and got the OK from her therapist.

 

The therapy session went very well. I was able to speak my mind without her cutting me off mid-sentence. I was able to tell her exactly how I feel, how she's been using me, acting immature, etc. And guess what: her therapist agreed with alot of what I was saying. It really woke my wife up. Not that it matters anymore. I think I'm through with her.

 

Now I just feel like a big idiot for putting up with her crap for 18 years.

 

Thank you all again for your replies. It really means alot to me.

[Gunny376]

I went through what you went trhough ~ sixteen years ago. With the exception of a few lines here and there, my story was the same as yours, except the names and places were changed.

 

~ Wife 32 - 35

~ Married young

~ Yada, yadao

 

Part of is that women reach theie sexual peak in the early to mid (and for some their late thirties)

 

Part of it is boredom with married life

 

Part of is broedom with you

 

Part of its is just boredome with life

 

Part of it is their wanting ~ needing the re-affirmation that they've still got what it takes to "hook" a man

 

Part of it is thinking that they could better and that they settled and married too young.

 

Part of it is their thinking that they'd better find Mr. Right before its too late.

 

Its only a matter of time before you hear:

 

We've grown apart

 

I love you but I'm not in love with you.

 

I need space

 

I need to be on my own

 

I need to find myself

 

All of this is "fog" code ~ talk

 

You're best defense is a good preemptive offense. Toss her to the curb out on her ear. Let her "friends" take care of her for the next 18 years, you've done your part.

 

And, you're exactally right about wasting the best 18 years of your life. Been there and done that. I made a lot of serious investments in the early part of my life that are now starting to pay off for me in a big way. I bit the bullet for the sake of my children. But, I finally wised up about women. There are a few that are worth having and worth marrying, but they're much rarer than yo think. They don't come around all that often.

I know what I'm bringing to the table, I need to know what they're bringing to the table. Its going to have to be more than a pair of boobs, a vagina, a pretty face ~ I can tell you that. They're going to have to be determined, mature, responsible, depenable, undertand the work at hand, be willing to learn, to grow, to read, and to communicate. Have a "real job" and understand that "like" doesn't have a damn thing to do with making a living and keeping a roof over your heard, and food in your mouth.

 

As my Dad use to say, "Take a fool's advice!" and kick the broad to the curb quick, fast, and in a hurry like. And, I mean out her ear! Her and her behaviour is part of the problem ~ not part of the solution! Her and her behavior is part of the question ~ not part of the answer. Either be part of the solution and part of the answer ~ or be your azz gone!

 

My ex's held me back. No more! I've got a clear pretty picture in my brain hosing group of where I'm going and what I'm working on in my life. If some gal wants to come along and be a part of that ~ fine! We can do business! If not? Don't be going ~ be gone!

 

I find it interesting that she go out almost every night of the week and party until the cows come home ~ but you can't because you've got to be up and at them early n the morning ~ aka the responsible adult.

 

BTW she's scroggin some guys who's a slacked and un-acheiver who's never amounted to much and never will. Do yourself a favor! Go see wat the other 3.6 billion other women on the planet have to offer.

[Dad_of_3]

Do yourself a favor! Go see wat the other 3.6 billion other women on the planet have to offer.

 

I can never get enough of this line.

 

It really put things in perspective. I would add, but honestly I think gunny has summed it up as best as possible.

 

Only thing I could add is that it is a rough experience, emotions will come into it, but you will get through it once the head starts to get things together.

 

If you ever need a sign of strength, just read over what you've written. Just by writing you are taking a step.

 

Hope to hear back from you ... best of luck

[Hugh]

Part of is that women reach theie sexual peak in the early to mid (and for some their late thirties)

 

Part of it is boredom with married life

 

Part of is broedom with you

 

Part of its is just boredome with life

 

Part of it is their wanting ~ needing the re-affirmation that they've still got what it takes to "hook" a man

 

Part of it is thinking that they could better and that they settled and married too young.

Part of it is their thinking that they'd better find Mr. Right before its too late.

You know what? These all pretty much apply to me as well. I'm bored of her, I married her too young, and I know that I can do better.

 

Its only a matter of time before you hear:

 

We've grown apart

I look forward to hearing that one, because I know what my response will be: "I agree".

 

I love you but I'm not in love with you.

That's another one I can't wait to hear. I'm just going to laugh when she says it, and say "nice cliche!"

 

I need space

 

I need to be on my own

 

I need to find myself

Yup, I've already heard those.

 

You're best defense is a good preemptive offense. Toss her to the curb out on her ear. Let her "friends" take care of her for the next 18 years, you've done your part.

Well, she'll be moving out in about a week, and I won't be seeing much of her in the meantime, so I'll let her continue to shower here, keep most of her stuff here, etc. If she's not out shortly, though, I will be kicking her out.

 

But, I finally wised up about women. There are a few that are worth having and worth marrying, but they're much rarer than yo think. They don't come around all that often.

Jeez, I hope you're wrong about that, I mean, that's such a pessimistic outlook - but I will absolutely keep that in mind whenever I meet someone.

 

I find it interesting that she go out almost every night of the week and party until the cows come home ~ but you can't because you've got to be up and at them early n the morning ~ aka the responsible adult.

Again, the "every night" thing is only a recent develpment - it used to be maybe once a week. But yes, I am absolutely the responsible one in this marriage.

 

BTW she's scroggin some guys who's a slacked and un-acheiver who's never amounted to much and never will.

I've asked her a dozen different ways if there's someone else, and she keeps denying it. Last night, I finally said "look, I know you'll never admit it, but I know you've either cheated on me, or you intend to." She denied it some more. Whatever. She has alot to loose by admiting it (i.e. when it comes time for divorce), so I know she'll deny it until we're at least divorced, or probably till the day she dies.

 

Do yourself a favor! Go see wat the other 3.6 billion other women on the planet have to offer.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in any of my above posts, but I did go out last Saturday, just to see if I still "had it". I was flirting with a few girls, just having fun. I could have gotten two phone numbers, but stopped short of that for now. I'm not sure how to proceed with other women while I'm still married. Any advice on the legal aspects would be appreciated, btw.

 

I stopped wearing my wedding ring two days ago. She's not thrilled, but there's not much she can do about it. She's still wearing hers for some reason. I'm getting the impression that she wants to keep me around "just in case".

 

Thanks for your sage advice, Gunny. It helps to know that someone else has been through this.

 

If you ever need a sign of strength, just read over what you've written. Just by writing you are taking a step.

That's good advice, thanks man! I am kinda using this thread as a dumping ground for my thoughts, and getting some good advice in the meantime.

[Gunny376]

Let me re-frame part of my post.

 

But, I finally wised up about women. There are a few that are worth having and worth marrying, but they're much rarer than yo think. They don't come around all that often.

 

All women are trouble. All of them (for women the same can be said about men in their lives). Most of them are going to end up being more trouble than their worth ~ LTR wise. Short term? Go with the flow ~ just recognize it for what its worth.

 

Every now and again ~ and not really that infrequent, you're going to meet one that's worth carrying it a little further than casual dating or friends, or friend with bennies stage.

 

Oh, they're still are going to cause you trouble and heartache, and problems, ~ but despite all of that ~ they're worth it!!!!!!

[Gunny376]

Jmargel or Rooster orginally posted the link. I checked it out, and I'm recommending it based upon previous books and a foundation of knowledge that I've acquired over the last sixteen years. Its the capstone to a lot of over bio-chemical books I've wallered through about human sexuality. interpersonal relationships, gender communication, dating, mating, marriage, relationships, etc. This book is written in straight layman's form ~ but is dead on target as to what you are personally are going throug in your thirties with you wife in her thirties, that I went through sixteen years ago. A must read!

 

The author provides an instant read e-book and will send you a hard copy through the mail.

 

Given your current situation ~ I'd highly recommend it!

 

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