OLP Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I've been married to my husband for 4 years now and we have been together for 7 years. I'm thinking about leaving my husband. Actually, I left 2 weeks ago, but he was so upset and I feel like I was forced back home. We have always been great with communicated well with one another. We talk about anything and everything. We don't nag one another. He goes out with his friends, I go out with mine with no anger or problems from the other spouse. It's just that my husband is such a negative person. Every comment made, every action observed always receives negativity. He immerses himself so much in work that he fails to show any kind of attention to me what so ever. He is an alcoholic and whenever we go out together a fight always ends the evening. He is very self and egotistical. He always puts his needs before mine. There are so many more problems that would take forever to write. We never have fun together. We are just going through the daily motions of day to day life. We've talked about the lack of attention we show to one another. A bandaid is placed and things go back to normal. We talked 4 months ago at lunch about separating. It was a topic that just came up out the blue and I have no idea where it came from. Well, that was basically dropped, things continued as usual. About a month ago, we got into a fight before i left to see my mom. I sat at my mom's all weekend thinking about us. I came back and told him how I was feeling and he told me he understood. I felt pretty unemotional about things. Didn't want hugs, kisses or anything from him. I finally had enough 2 weeks ago and told him I had to leave. He let me go and was an emotional wreak. He made me feel so guilty that I moved back home. We have been sleeping in different rooms since. I feel like emotionally I have been checked out for a long time now. I feel like I have only been here physically for many, many months. We have tried and I have tried so many times to make things better and as I have said he just puts a bandaid and goes back to the way he is. Now that I have moved out he is serious about trying to change, but I just don't want to try. I have no urge to want things to get better. I feel like I have been alone for a long time now and I like being alone. It's almost like I have adapted to it. I've just heard all the S*** before about how he is gonna change and it never happens. Why should I believe him this time. I don't want to be intimate with him. I resent him for me moving back home. When I moved out I told him I just needed time, but he couldn't handle it and again his needs come before mine and I move back home. I'm so so tired of trying. Nothing never changes. I'm not really sure why I'm writing. Just wondering if others have felt this way and also just getting things off my chest.
ilmw Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I'm not really sure why I'm writing. Just wondering if others have felt this way and also just getting things off my chest. Hi OLP, I can guarantee you... others have felt as if you do... in particular...my own wife... although your circumstances are not the same as ours... It sounds like you are/have felt as if she did.. when she left me... I also know if you keep posting on here.. you will get much support and advise... I would also like to add that it is never to late to change if a person is 100% commited to change... and has the balls to admit they have made mistakes... I am one of those guys who could never been wrong... Through what I have and am going through with my own seperation... I have come to learn much... and have changed for the better... Your husband may too... but it is up to him to show what he is made of... and step up to the plate... I'd like to ask if you have read any books on relationships... marriage.. or personal growth..? If not... I recommend that you do... you will learn and see things... that will make you go...Ohh ...mmm... oh crap! It happened to me many times:o I'm not sure how many posts you have read on seperation and divorce... but read lots of them... different stories.. different circumstance...so much information from other posters... lots of wisdom on here.. Take care... ilmw
anna13 Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Every comment made, every action observed always receives negativity. He immerses himself so much in work that he fails to show any kind of attention to me what so ever. He is an alcoholic and whenever we go out together a fight always ends the evening. It is hard to say without knowing about all the other problems that may be going on but , I know that any addiction is a big problem as you know and that should be the main focus to save your relationship. as for his negativity , people lean on their spouces for support , because they feel safe with their spouses , it isnt like they can go to friends and coworkers and say something that bugs them again and again without feeling dumb. but if the negativity your talking about is like put downs to you , then that is a different story . that is not right. I think that he does really want to change but there is something emotionally going on with him where he needs you to hear him and be there for him so much that it is too much for you. tell him you love him and care about his angst but tell him that it is really just too much for you to handle and if he wants to svae your relationship he needs to stop for now at least. if he is desperate enought to wave your marriage then he will do it . But the big question is do you really love him? because movign back in because of guilt isnt fair to him or to yourself. if you know you dont love him anymore you have to be straight forward , and move on , because if you dont love him and you are just feeding him comfort because you feel guilty then you will just hurt him more in the long run . I believe that any marriage ( well most of them) can be saved if both parties give equall effort. best wishes , hang in there , it is so tough sometimes I know.
Dad_of_3 Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Hi OLP. Both sound advice from ilmw and anna13. Sounds like you really need some time to sort things out for yourself and himself as well. ilmw is right on the money, have a read over here as much as you can. There is a wealth or information and how people have come to deal with things. circumstances may not be the same, but it will hopefully give you some clear idea of where things are. anna13, pretty much summed things up. In a marriage, both parties need to want to work things through. Both parties need to want it with their mind, body and soul. I know that sounds cliche', but read the threads that on this board. I would only say to take the time to sort things out and get your bearings in all this. Don't rush the decision or choice. See where things are best for you. Its not selfish to want that, in fact its Self-care. there is a defining difference. In there times it is always tough, stay strong. Hope to hear back from you. Take care.
dgiirl Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Are you going to therapy? I think it's the first step anyone considering leaving a marriage MUST do. You owe it to your husband AND to yourself to know you tried everything. Walking away is much easier than staying. What if his alcohol problem and negativity could be wiped clean. Would you still want to be with him? It will take work from both of you, but if you give it a chance, it can be changed around to where you are happy again. In order to become happy again, you need to realize that the only person responsible for your happiness is YOU. Wether you divorce or not, you need to fully comprehend this. Noone can make you happy nor sad without your permission. Also, when our minds focus too much on the sad/negative things, we have a hard time accessing the good memories. The reasons why we fell in love with the person in the first place. And we often think it was ALWAYS bad, it was NEVER good. When we use absolutes to describe a situation we know it's not the truth. It's not ALWAYS bad. Because if it was ALWAYS bad, you wouldnt be where you are now. You would have left a long time ago. So you did at one time love him, and there were atleast some good things for you to stay, and I think if you put some effort, and he starts to take things seriously and changes his drinking and depression problem, you could save this marriage. You both created this mess, and you both are responsible for it.
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