insomnie Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Continuation: Exbf and I are continuing to hang out as "friends". The facts are: -He is proactive about maintaining friendship. As in, he calls me when he says he will, asks to come over, etc. -He is very considerate and nice when he is there. Ex: He'll bring me something I like when he's coming over, like baked goods -He is not interested in anyone else. This one I am 95% sure about, but more sure than I've ever been with any guy I've actually dated. I really trust him on this one. -He does NOT say he loves me, like he did when we were together, nor is he quite as affectionate, and he says he doesn't want to get back togehter right now because our "formal" relationship depressed him -He does NOT push for sex So, what's his deal? He's not the kind of guy who has a lot of friends, or any girl friends, and he's acting like he likes me. For those who haven't read my previous posts, we were togehter for 2.5 years before splitting up a couple of weeks ago because we were unhappy. I've decided I'm pretty much ok with the situation as is, but still a little bit confused. BTW Alchemist if you read this, there do seem to be a lot of similarities with our situations. What ended up happening with yours? Do you still talk? Has he tried getting you back?
Author insomnie Posted December 13, 2006 Author Posted December 13, 2006 Someone, please? What is going on in his head? I have already been told he is immature, inconsiderate, a cakeman, etc., but I don't really think any of those are true. If they were, he would not be acting so considerate toward me now without expecting ANYTHING in return. I mean, I don't sleep with him, I can date whomever I want... and he is being a great friend, talking to me every day and constantly saying he isn't interested in anyone at all. Our relationship used to be based completely on passion and a desire to be together. No substance whatsoever. We didn't like spending time together, we weren't really friends, and now in the span of two weeks there's been a 180. Suddenly we don't say "I love you " anymore, but now we're buddies, doing things together that we NEVER used to do. He IMed me today telling me how much he "values our friendship". It's just so confusing! I don't necessarily wnat to jump back into anything right now, but I want some perspective on the situation. Have I been friendzoned? What can he possibly be thinking? And, what are the boundaries? Where is the border between friendship and love? The way I see it, this is a fantastic development no matter what happens. Right now, I am in a place where I can either take it or leave it. I know I'll survive without him, and I won't put up with any more bull, but on the other hand I like him a lot and miss him when he's not around. So, if we decide to get back together, we'll have a healthier foundation, and if not....I'll have made a good friend, and I know I'll live and eventually find someone better suited to be my boyfriend.
Guest Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I HAVE BEEN READING YOUR LIFE STORY medicial, mental, sexual, etc. u have gone thru alot - i am proud of u love g Continuation: Exbf and I are continuing to hang out as "friends". The facts are: -He is proactive about maintaining friendship. As in, he calls me when he says he will, asks to come over, etc. -He is very considerate and nice when he is there. Ex: He'll bring me something I like when he's coming over, like baked goods -He is not interested in anyone else. This one I am 95% sure about, but more sure than I've ever been with any guy I've actually dated. I really trust him on this one. -He does NOT say he loves me, like he did when we were together, nor is he quite as affectionate, and he says he doesn't want to get back togehter right now because our "formal" relationship depressed him -He does NOT push for sex So, what's his deal? He's not the kind of guy who has a lot of friends, or any girl friends, and he's acting like he likes me. For those who haven't read my previous posts, we were togehter for 2.5 years before splitting up a couple of weeks ago because we were unhappy. I've decided I'm pretty much ok with the situation as is, but still a little bit confused. BTW Alchemist if you read this, there do seem to be a lot of similarities with our situations. What ended up happening with yours? Do you still talk? Has he tried getting you back?
Author insomnie Posted December 13, 2006 Author Posted December 13, 2006 I HAVE BEEN READING YOUR LIFE STORY medicial, mental, sexual, etc. u have gone thru alot - i am proud of u love g Ummmm. Ok.
Poboy Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 yours is a strange situation ... i think this could be a classic either or example meaning either he is keeping you around as a good friend to see if the friendship part that was missing earlier could grow from this and later on you can get together again and even if it doesnt grow or something , he knows you & knows that you will be a good friend because you too were in such a long relationship that there has to be some level of confidence & acceptance in being together with you and he doesnt have many friends , he knows he can depend on you for we need people like that around for good & bad times alike. ( lol , one sentece paragraph ) tough to call , you need to dig more as to does he just want to be friends or he's hoping for more in the future ... good luck
lookingforalovethats Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 i don't want u to get confused hear because i used the word love ok i put that in because last time i checked thats what i called u but this a bit of the old and something new they put things like on ? anyhoooo i just thought we could be a little more relaxed...what do u think? and what would u like to do? i have a few ideas, but i'd like to hear from u
Guest Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I Have To Go Now I Hope We Get To Talk About Yer Stuff Instead Of My Answers Soon That Was Fun -
InsanityImpaired Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 After a relationship that lasted 2.5 years, this is of course a strange situation. As you said, the friendship part of the relationship was lacking. By splitting up the two of you are more inclined to focus on friendship behavior, instead of relationship benefits (passion). -He is proactive about maintaining friendship. As in, he calls me when he says he will, asks to come over, etc. -He is very considerate and nice when he is there. Ex: He'll bring me something I like when he's coming over, like baked goods Is this inconsistent with his relationship behavior? If so, that could mean several things. Possibly that he is trying to win you over, eventually. It can be friendly gestures, perhaps a bit compensating for his behavior when in the relationship. -He is not interested in anyone else. This one I am 95% sure about, but more sure than I've ever been with any guy I've actually dated. I really trust him on this one. The break-up is only recent. It is possible that he still sees a future with you. It would also explain above-mentioned behavior. It can also mean, that he does not think himself to be ready to date again. -He does NOT say he loves me, like he did when we were together, nor is he quite as affectionate, and he says he doesn't want to get back togehter right now because our "formal" relationship depressed him -He does NOT push for sex Interesting that he described the formal relationship as depressing to him. Was it because of the added responsibilities that come with the relationship? The not so lovely things (bills, et cetera)? A friendship or FWB come without al l those added responsibilities. The not pushing for sex is consistent with either FWB or friendship. Tough call to make, what he is trying to accomplish.
Author insomnie Posted December 13, 2006 Author Posted December 13, 2006 Yay, finally a nonpsychotic response! Thank you. I would not be so obsessed with this whole thing if it weren't for the fact that he has a nonrefundable nontransferrable ticket to fly out and visit me and my family in another state over winter break. I don't know what is happening with the ticket now that we're so undefined. I'd still like him to come visit but I can see how it would be incredibly awkward if he did. He could probably find some friends to stay with in the area, but then I am afraid there would be pressure for us to hang out and if plans to do that fall through I would be disappointed.. kind of a lose lose situation overall, it feels like, with the ticket. I am stuck now trying to control our relationship so that I know how to proceed in regards to this trip. Do I suggest he come anyway, do I suggest he fly out but stay with someone else, do I suggest he not come at all...what do I do? I would rahter he not come at all but then he'd be out of more than 300$, plus it COULD be very fun.... He hasn't seemed to have given it much thought and I think that he'd go with whatever decision I settled on. I just want us to settle on some kind of definition so I know how to feel, about him and this stupid trip.
barfool Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I haven't read past posts you've made regarding this relationship, so I'm not completely informed when giving advice. But I never let that stop me before! I've been in this type of situation with an ex. When we immediately transitioned from relationship to friends there were some underlying feelings that still hung on that affected my dealings with him. I needed some time apart to let the feelings go before I could ease back into a friendship. Otherwise it was not like being friends at all but like a continuation of the relationship under a different name. This is the same kind of sense I get from reading your post. Maybe it's time that you stepped back for a while.
InsanityImpaired Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Staying would indeed be an awkward situation, no matter how it is accomplished. I don't know much about the opinions of your family on him, but that can indeed lead to very frustrating situations. Which could potentially ruin the break for the both of you. With him being in the area, you will have a better opportunity to spend some time together and with friends, without all these expectations and with a lot less awkwardness. But I think you can rather bring the whole thing up, without making a suggestion first. If you would make the suggestion first, it may appear to him that you are offering him merely excuses. Ask what he thinks of the trip. If he does not bring up the issues you see with him going, you can bring them up yourself. That way, the conversation may turn out to be a bit more understanding.
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