Just found out

[desoba]

She didnt go to the doctor because of any symptoms. She was at the doctor for a scheduled pap when she got a letter back a few days later from the doctor saying her culture came back positive for Chlamydia.

[Guest]

Sorry to say that your wife was: 1) probably with this guy more than "just once," and 2) this may not have been the first guy your wife has cheated with.

 

Also, if I were you I'd be questioning the paternity of your kids. You may want DNA tests.

[Bryanp]

I agree with the others in that it really sounds like it was not a one night stand that she wants you to believe. Look she told you he was always telling her how beautiful she was and so forth over a period of time. It seems logical to believe that this was probably on-going. The fact is that you caught her in another big lie. She originally told you she could not remember anything and now she tells you how great this guy was for always these nice things to her and so forth. She continues to lie to you and really making you look foolish. Something seems so out of wack here. Again it does not seem like a one night stand. I would think about checking paternity also.

[Sup]

I finally got a reason out of her today. She said that this guy made her feel beautiful and always said nice things to her(apparently the things I wasnt saying to her) and always complimented her on her body after having four kids,(which I must say is absolutely stunning after having 4 kids).

She also said when we fight I was always mean to her and called her names, and this guy was always so nice to her. I really dont recall ever being that mean.

 

I know that doesnt give her an excuse, and I'm not going to blame myself for this.

 

 

Can you say BULLCRAP!!!?

[Sup]

Sorry to say that your wife was: 1) probably with this guy more than "just once," and 2) this may not have been the first guy your wife has cheated with.

 

Also, if I were you I'd be questioning the paternity of your kids. You may want DNA tests.

 

 

I AGREE!!!!

[Sal Paradise]

I finally got a reason out of her today. She said that this guy made her feel beautiful and always said nice things to her(apparently the things I wasnt saying to her) and always complimented her on her body after having four kids,(which I must say is absolutely stunning after having 4 kids).

She also said when we fight I was always mean to her and called her names, and this guy was always so nice to her. I really dont recall ever being that mean.

 

I know that doesnt give her an excuse, and I'm not going to blame myself for this.

 

Keep digging and you'll probably find out more. Cheaters let the truth out slowly, sometimes it takes days or weeks, sometimes months or even years.

 

If I were you I'd start gathering evidence and consulting with a lawyer on the side. Start keeping a journal as well. You can still work on the marriage if thats what you want to do but be prepared for divorce. Personally I would leave her. She put your health at risk for her own selfish desires. God knows how long she has been screwing around behind your back. Don't let her guilt you into thinking this is your fault. The blame for not being able to keep her legs closed falls on her and only her. Sure you probably could of been a better husband but that is no excuse. Instead of coming to you and trying to fix the marriage she got her fix from the first guy she could climb on.

 

Stay strong and good luck.

[Madeamistake]

Hi Desoba!

 

All I can say is that my heart bleeds for you! Everything else that one can think of here has already been said!

 

Goodluck and Godspeed with finding out the truth!

[FlyingHigh]

Desoba,

 

I feel your emotional struggle and pain. Hang in there. I've been where you are and it DOES get better.

 

Over time, cheaters perfect the art of lying and cheating. They are like drug addicts who will do anything to get their fix. The secrecy of affairs is the same high drug addicts get from their fix. My stbx husband even swore his dying mother's life that he was telling the truth when I asked him if he was still seeing his mistress. He lied the entire time. His mother died a month later.

 

Expect that your wife will never tell you the truth because like cheaters, she succeeded so far in lying to you.

 

The first thing that you might want to consider is DECIDE if you want to salvage the marriage OR not. Either way it will give you a clearer path to follow no matter how foggy it may seem.

 

Since your wife DID mention that when you two got into fights where you were mean and called her names, consider this a part of the equation that contributed to her seeking "self validation" of being desireable and wanted. The guy gave her what she needed at the time.

 

Meanwhile, if you are still UNSURE whether or not you want the marriage, consider checking www.marriagebuilders.com which is primarily dedicated to the title following infidelity. Read "HIS NEED, HER NEEDS" and "SURVIVING AN AFFAIR". There are success stories even after infidelity. However, until your wife owns up to her responsibility for the affair and understanding why she did it, you marriage may not have a shot.

 

And if she does, own up to her responsibilities, like my stbxh, understand that it will take time to wean her out of the addiction. The question is, how many chances are you willing to give her? The answer is not determined by a "number", rather by knowing in your heart that you've given your marriage all that you had to give and be able to walk away without any regrets.

 

Finally, understand and be willing to accept that affairs, whether ONS or not (it's still an affair) can be looked at as a "symptom" of the problems in a marriage. BUT, in no way that the symptom should be a ticket for the cheating spouse to cheat. Cheating is a conscious decision that boils down to selfishness, immaturity and insecurity. BUT affairs can either destroy a marriage or make it stronger. In most cases like mine, it was the on going cheating and lying albeit weekly counseling that finally did it for me. I was done. I have no regrets. And I am soooo much happier.

 

Good luck.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I finally got a reason out of her today. She said that this guy made her feel beautiful and always said nice things to her(apparently the things I wasnt saying to her) and always complimented her on her body after having four kids,(which I must say is absolutely stunning after having 4 kids).

She also said when we fight I was always mean to her and called her names, and this guy was always so nice to her. I really dont recall ever being that mean.

 

I know that doesnt give her an excuse, and I'm not going to blame myself for this.

 

 

I understand completely. But from what she said about this guy giving her complements, then this thing took place over time, leading up to her sleeping with him. This man filled her with emotional needs of "compliments" and "affection" over a period of time. Over this time, she enjoyed his words, they made her feel good. In fact she probably looked forward to the times she would see him and hear him. IMO, there was an emotional attachment on her part long before the sex took place. The sex was just the next step in the affair...and again, IMO....if the test never came back positive, I bet she would have continued this affair. Dont under estimate a cheater, they become very selfish when they are in it.

 

I say this from experience. After my wife and I had kids, we kinda drifted apart, focusing on the kids and not us. My wife lost all her wieght, and became a very attractive woman. Of course, i noticed it, but I didnt TELL her. I didnt know i had too, I was married, I didnt know I had to keep woeing my wife. Women need constant attention, they need to know that you find them beautiful and attractive. I didnt do this, so over time, it weared on my wife. She knew she looked good, but I didnt tell her.

 

Enter her OM. He worked on her for months....with his game of compliments and affection. And something in my wife liked it since she wasnt getting it from me. So just accepcted it from the OM. She became addicted to it. Untill finally she became sexual with him. Her affiar started with emotional needs being met, then escalated to sexual contact....because thats how it works for women. Once she felt wanted by this OM....in her mind, she justifed it since she liked it. ALL VERY SELFISH for her own wants, with out thinking of the consequences.

 

And as others have said....dont be surprised if more truths come out. A cheater will first minimize the affair and will also project blame onto the spouse, which she already did by saying you didnt compliment her or you were mean to her. Those are her selfish justifications. What would she be like if you said, "you didnt give me enough sex, so I got some from someone else". Just replace the sex word with compliments and its the same thing. Would your wife take the blame for not enough sex? Hell no, she would say you were just selfish.

 

You really need to get to the root of the WHY. If you cant afford marriage counsleing, then look into help from a church. Also, if your community has some kinda of volenteer program for helping familys with kids so the parents can seek counseling, then look into that. There is help oput there....and you both need to get into it....and get to the root of why she choose to do what she did. Then take what you learn and change your ways. Learn to met eachothers emotional needs, but first you need to know what they are and you can do that throught books or counseling.

 

I will pray for you....

 

Dont lay low on this. Be understanding with her, yet firm on your feelings. You have a long road ahead of you.....and dont let your anger make your decisions.

[cranium]

I understand completely. But from what she said about this guy giving her complements, then this thing took place over time, leading up to her sleeping with him. This man filled her with emotional needs of "compliments" and "affection" over a period of time. Over this time, she enjoyed his words, they made her feel good. In fact she probably looked forward to the times she would see him and hear him. IMO, there was an emotional attachment on her part long before the sex took place. The sex was just the next step in the affair...and again, IMO....if the test never came back positive, I bet she would have continued this affair. Dont under estimate a cheater, they become very selfish when they are in it.

 

I say this from experience. After my wife and I had kids, we kinda drifted apart, focusing on the kids and not us. My wife lost all her wieght, and became a very attractive woman. Of course, i noticed it, but I didnt TELL her. I didnt know i had too, I was married, I didnt know I had to keep woeing my wife. Women need constant attention, they need to know that you find them beautiful and attractive. I didnt do this, so over time, it weared on my wife. She knew she looked good, but I didnt tell her.

 

Enter her OM. He worked on her for months....with his game of compliments and affection. And something in my wife liked it since she wasnt getting it from me. So just accepcted it from the OM. She became addicted to it. Untill finally she became sexual with him. Her affiar started with emotional needs being met, then escalated to sexual contact....because thats how it works for women.

 

Thumbs' story mirrors mine; even to the point that we were both in MC while our wife's affairs were ongoing. When I caught my wife (found condom in the trash - at least they used one), she told me they slept together only twice and both times were after we started in MC. When I started digging, it became evident that the EA had been ongoing for at least a year. Had I not found that condom, I have no doubt her A would have continued.

 

I'm no angel, either. I had an A over ten years ago. It took me a year to fess up after discovering hers, but I had to come clean for us to move forward. It sucked. I didn't want to tell her; it was ancient history.

 

I agree that MC is in order. Surely you can find someone to watch the kids one hour a week. Also, if she is still in contact with this guy, put an end to that today.

 

Good luck.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Thumbs' story mirrors mine; even to the point that we were both in MC while our wife's affairs were ongoing

 

sup cran....

 

yeah...that sucked hey.

 

desoba, we dont want to scare you or make your think the worst case. We are just explaining our experiences. Which if you do a search on cranium or myself, you will have hours of reading to see our story from beginning to end.

 

This is my time frame in a nutshell.

 

Wife started her emotional affait in Dec of 2003. Inocent flirting with her OM, him giving her complements, etc. This went on until May of 2004, which is when she gave in sexually. Then in July of 2004, my wife admitted to me that she had a one-night stand with someone she didnt know. OK fine, she was unhappy...she made a mistake, I forgive her, we get into marriage counseling. I go thru all the emotions of betrayel, think we are on track, etc...We do MC until March of 2005. Then she dropped the bomb shell. She admits to me that it was all a lie and that she has been in a full on affair with her OM (boss at the time). All of it, everything she told me up to March of 2005 was a lie. Dam...I dont even like typing this, cause it brings back alot of resentment and anger.

 

What I am saying, is...dont lay low.....dont just accept what she says for face value. The cheater will ALWAYS minimize the affair until they have no more walls to hide behind. They do this beacsue the dont want to "own" the repsonibility, they just want it to go away, so they just tell you bits at a time. Just stay on your toes and question everything. Then question it again later to see if the story is the same. Like I said, I dont want to scare you, I am just trying to prepare you for some possible HARD truths that may arise later.

 

 

And for the record...my wife and I have endured these trials and are more better now than we were just 1 year ago...and 10x better than we were when she started the affair. It took alot of love hope and faith to get here, ALOT. So there are some happy endings here.....it just takes a VERY strong person to be able to endure this kind of betrayal. But I am a much stronger person because of this.

 

stay in touch....we are here to help.

[umbo]

Hey dude you came to the right place this is what we are all here for to support you and get you through this very hard time in your life. Man you did nothing wrong you can get pass this easy. First of all take all your frustrations to the gym and I mean work out like you never have before. This is your beautiful wife of four kids, eventhough she did not confess until after she found out she had an std. Makes me think there may be more to her story than she told ya. You might want to tell her she gave you the std and that your doctor wants to know all her sexual history and gravida(medical term) and see what she says. She has got to be truthful with you once you are satisfied with her story. You may have to buy some relationship books but continue to work out, take off work if you need to we support your decisions. Hey keep us updated good luck dude.