Just found out

[Guest]

My wife of 6 years and mother of my 4 young children just recently confessed to having a one-night-stand with another man. The only reason I think she confessed(otherwise I think she would of never told me) is that she went to the doctor and found out she was given Chlamydia from the guy she slept with. She called me from work that day crying and telling me I'm gonna hate her and divorce her because there is something she had to tell me. When she got home and told me that she was drunk and she slept with this guy, I didn't know what to say or do. My heart felt like it dropped to my gut, then I felt anger like I never felt before.

 

I kinda kept to myself for a few days, and I couldn't get that picture out of my head. She told me that she wouldn't go out no more or ever talk to the the "puke" again or anything, then I finally told her I forgave her. For the next couple of days things were actually better than ever, I just wanted to be with her and love her and hold her, but after a week or so it started to fade off and I find myself picturing that over and over and getting mad. I try not to throw it in her face but I just get so mad I find a way to bring it up and start a fight. She always tries to say "it was a mistake I am sorry", but I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I just wanted to tell somebody so thats why I'm here. If anyone has any advice or anything that could help me please do.

[whichwayisup]

You both need to go to marriage counselling and work through this. She betrayed you and because of what she did, your trust in her is gone and you're filled in haunting thoughts of her and the OM.

 

I'm sure she feels awful, and sadly she paid the price by cheating on you...Got a STD.

 

If you love her and want things to work, give her a chance to make things right again. It also will bring you two closer and together you can make your marriage better, by communicating and listening to one another.

 

You also might benefit going to one on one counselling to help you cope with your own feelings about this. You are completely justified in feeling what you are feeling now. Your wife cheated on you!

 

Many people here will help you, so please keep posting. And don't blame yourself for her cheating on you. That was her choice!

[Bryanp]

You both certainly need marriage counseling. She not only had sex with another man behind your back but decided to also have unprotected sex putting your health at risk for STD's which she was given. This was more than just a mistake don't you think?

[Krytellan]

You both certainly need marriage counseling. She not only had sex with another man behind your back but decided to also have unprotected sex putting your health at risk for STD's which she was given. This was more than just a mistake don't you think?

 

I just get ill when I think of all the people that run around on their partners and don't use protection. It sometimes just borders on stupidity... and SO MANY people do it. Sorry, Guest, no offense meant to your wife. What does this person have to be thinking when having unprotected sex with a stranger while married to someone else...

 

I just can't help but think that is a sign of something so very not right in someone.

[Trialbyfire]

Which is why I keep insisting that cheating is a very selfish act where people don't think or some don't care about the impact it has on those around them.

 

Your emotions are normal for when someone cheats on you. Don't let anyone tell you that after you forgave her, everything would and should be okay with you. Nope. When you forgave her, you were probably still numb, a form of self-protection that you insulated yourself with. You're now going through an anger stage. The stage of why would she do this and risk everything we have for that? There will probably be self-worth issues. When you gotten past these last two stages, that's probably when you can fully forgive her. Don't be surprised if you don't forget though.

[GirlFromOz]

Guest, I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. There are many of us here on LS who know exactly how you feel as we have been or are going through similar situations ourselves. It is like having your heart ripped out and all your hopes & dreams for your life & your family just come shattering down around you.

 

You will go through so many emotions & so many ups & downs over the next few months - and all of them will be normal. The best advice I can give is to take your time making any sort of decision.

 

I agree with the counselling that has been suggested by others, but sometimes it is hard to organise this when you have so many very young children. Sometimes trying things like the two of you writing down your thoughts & feelings in a shared book & letting the other one read it can help you get through this together now, and might also be a way of trying to work out what led your wife to do this in the first place.

[Sal Paradise]

She could still be lying. I wouldn't be suprised if she was involved in an affair with this guy and once she found out she had the STD she told you. Maybe she thinks you would forgive her if she claimed to be drunk and it was a one night stand and not an affair.

 

Perhaps it was a one night stand but she made the drunk part up to have an excuse for her actions. If thats the case there is a chance she has done it before.

 

The reason I say she could be still lying is that cheaters often only reveal parts of the truth a little at a time. Don't be suprised if you get knocked over the head with more down the road at some point. It could be several years from now but if there is more to know it will probably come out one way or another.

[Guest]

She could still be lying. I wouldn't be suprised if she was involved in an affair with this guy and once she found out she had the STD she told you. Maybe she thinks you would forgive her if she claimed to be drunk and it was a one night stand and not an affair.

 

Perhaps it was a one night stand but she made the drunk part up to have an excuse for her actions. If thats the case there is a chance she has done it before.

 

The reason I say she could be still lying is that cheaters often only reveal parts of the truth a little at a time. Don't be suprised if you get knocked over the head with more down the road at some point. It could be several years from now but if there is more to know it will probably come out one way or another.

 

bipolar can do inteesting thiongs eh

[Trialbyfire]

So true Sal. It's like opening up Pandora's Box. Neverending heartbreak.

[pureinheart]

Hey Guest....everyone is right, get counceling....a councelor can walk you through the steps of anger, resentment, bitterness...all of it. Stuff like this can cause one to go insane with imaginations....PLEASE RESIST IMAGINATIONS. Keep your mind in a good place....look at the facts, and only the facts.

 

Oh God how I remember playing that tape recorder in my mind, reliving experiences I was not even in.

 

Try to keep it real and don't stuff anything, but remain in control at the same time.....my heart goes out to you....

[Citizen Erased]

I agree with the others, you need to go to counselling. You are in fact grieving for the loss of your trust, your relationship and perhaps even your love for your wife.

 

You need to see someone who is equipped to help you deal with your situation. You do need someone to talk to whom won't judge, a confidante.

 

First thing you need to do is have some individual counselling and see if you want to go further with your relationship with your wife. See if you think your relationship and your love for this woman is strong enough to go through the pain with. It will not get better for a long time but if you want it bad enough it is possible.

 

Other posters: please do not speculate on whether she had an affair. Noone except for the OP know the OP's wife and so have no evidence to base this on. Please don't put any of those thoughts into the OP's mind at the moment as he really does not need any fuel for the fire

[lookingforalovethats]

that's right for me, and i don't where she's gonna be

 

but i know i treat her kind, and i won't mess with her mind

 

gonna show her the kinder, gentler side of me

 

and i think she might hang out here sometimes

 

so i got up out of bed in record time

 

because earlier when i left to go home

 

i saw her response to one of posts

 

and i knew she misread what i said

 

her and i are gonna this town red

 

it didn't say that's something i didn't want to do

 

i just told u i can't move in with u this weekend

 

doctor's order's if that's all right

 

i know u might be sad about that and a little blue

 

but to make it up to hear';s what i'll do

 

u grab black leather -0uck boots and put them on

 

i grab 1987 plate form shoes and we'll club it just me and u

 

and after that - u never know what we can do

 

what do u think about all of that u sexy thing

 

yah i talking to u

wink

[lookingforalovethats]

I agree with the others, you need to go to counselling. You are in fact grieving for the loss of your trust, your relationship and perhaps even your love for your wife.

 

You need to see someone who is equipped to help you deal with your situation. You do need someone to talk to whom won't judge, a confidante.

 

First thing you need to do is have some individual counselling and see if you want to go further with your relationship with your wife. See if you think your relationship and your love for this woman is strong enough to go through the pain with. It will not get better for a long time but if you want it bad enough it is possible.

 

Other posters: please do not speculate on whether she had an affair. Noone except for the OP know the OP's wife and so have no evidence to base this on. Please don't put any of those thoughts into the OP's mind at the moment as he really does not need any fuel for the fire

 

i don't get this one? i have a wife ? right now i am single

[lookingforalovethats]

She could still be lying. I wouldn't be suprised if she was involved in an affair with this guy and once she found out she had the STD she told you. Maybe she thinks you would forgive her if she claimed to be drunk and it was a one night stand and not an affair.

 

Perhaps it was a one night stand but she made the drunk part up to have an excuse for her actions. If thats the case there is a chance she has done it before.

 

The reason I say she could be still lying is that cheaters often only reveal parts of the truth a little at a time. Don't be suprised if you get knocked over the head with more down the road at some point. It could be several years from now but if there is more to know it will probably come out one way or another.

 

well, i have a great plan for that - works great [i'll surprise her later and tell] but i think people forget one thing about stuff like this - the past is the past right - i don't and never have judge a person by the action - and we all react differently - i am weird that way i don;t let 'words' taint the person, we all make mistakes sometimes have fun doinjg themn too - wink

 

but the key is in the present, is between us and we draw up some rules and guidelines but for me - the love of a certain somene is all i need because their will be no tension, stress or cocaine - we are old, and wiser and hot as every so

 

its not me i'm worried everyone knows shes a hottie so i'll have to trust her when she goes out. i don't put fences around anyone. when u don';t they'sll jump and run

[lookingforalovethats]

i would rather keep things that are private between the two - less pressure to ;confess; them - easier to just tell

 

and its easy to catch an STD

 

just ask all those big mouths in the cheap seats heckling my babe how many their peckers had in the 9th grade

[Citizen Erased]

i don't get this one? i have a wife ? right now i am single

 

referring to the OP fool. I like how YOU dont understand ME when all you have posted is utter nonsense. Get back under your bridge and try to eat children.

[jmargel]

She told me that she wouldn't go out no more or ever talk to the the "puke" again or anything

 

That means she is still or recently has been in contact with this guy?

 

And her being drunk? Is an excuse. Sorry, but no matter how drunk I ever got I am still capable of using my brain to say 'No, I am married'.

 

She is giving excuses why she did it, and is not owning upto the responsibility. That is why you are still mad, partially because you haven't gotten a legimate reason why this occured.

 

Get her to own upto her cheating.

[desoba]

I am the guest that posted this thread. I just registered after reading all the helpfull advice from everyone. I didnt think it would get so many replies so fast, so thank you all.

 

About the whole condom thing, she did tell me she used a condom. I find it a little hard to believe but thats what she told me. It is also pretty hard to go to counseling with 4 children undr the age of 5. We really dont have much family to watch over our kids all the time. So I guess were just gonna have to try work things out ourselves.

 

To the replier that wrote about her actually having an affair with him, rather than a one-night-stand. I just cant believe that she would have actually done it more than once. I guess anything could happen considering it did happen once. But I know exactly when and where it happened, and she was drunk(Not giving her an excuse or anything). I was with her that night. She actually was upstairs in a second floor apartment with her cousin and friends when it happened. But like someone said I really dont want to start thinking about that. I'm having enough trouble as it is.

 

So thank you all for the replies. Feel free to keep them coming.

[BeenAround_N_Back]

When we have been betrayed, a person goes through the 5 stages of grief.

 

I think you are going through the 5 stages of grief. And you can revert back to previous stages at any given time.

 

I think it is too soon to forgive her and maybe you say and think you forgive her... you have not truly done so in your heart.... maybe she needs to own up to it and talk more about it. Why did she do it?

 

Your emotions will be a roller coaster for a while and the road ahead is not pretty but if you guys are honest with each other, there is a light at the end!!

[desoba]

She keeps saying that she was drunk she really didnt even remember much it just seemed to happen. So i doubt I'll be able to get anything out of her about why she did it.

[Bryanp]

Sorry Desoba but her actions do not jive with what she has told you. First, the fact that she would have sex with another man while you were with her that evening is unbelievable. She claims to have had sex with him in another room in the apartment building you were both at.

This is such an insult to you.

Second, this is where it again does not make sense. She claims while she was upstairs she was completely drunk and it happened so fast and so she does not remember anything except the fact that a condom was used?....You have got to be kidding me. She is so drunk she cannot remember anything but is sure he used a condom? Get real.

She is clearly trying to put a positive spin on this. I would absolutely insist that the both of you get tested immediately for STD's. If she was so drunk that some guy could immediately have sexual intercourse with her not remembering than it is absolutely ludicrous to believe her about her claim that they used a condom. If she knew this then she had enough wits about her not to have sex. Holy moly her husband is downstairs and some stranger is screwing her. I agree with the previous poster that there is a lot more to this story. I sincerely doubt she is telling you the truth and she is trying to protect herself.

 

How did you find out. Did she immediately come downstairs and tell you what happened or did someone else tell you? This whole thing sounds so fishy and unbelievably humiliating and hurtful to you. I am so sorry for you.

[BeenAround_N_Back]

I am curious, is being drunk an excuse these days? How does she plan on preventing this from happening again? Does this mean if you are drunk, you are not completely responsible for your actions? It seems abit like a cop out to me....

[Sal Paradise]

Other posters: please do not speculate on whether she had an affair. Noone except for the OP know the OP's wife and so have no evidence to base this on. Please don't put any of those thoughts into the OP's mind at the moment as he really does not need any fuel for the fire

 

Pretending nothing else happened will not do him any good. I didn't say something else did happen, I said its possible. Its very common for those who cheat to hold back aspects of the truth when they reveal that they cheated to their spouse.

 

He needs to be prepared for that possibility. He needs to be on his guard in case there is more. He can't shut his mind out. Especially when her story sounds extremely fishy. I think there is a strong chance that she has cheated on him more than once. She only confessed because of the STD. Remember that. She had no choice but to tell him. A full blown affair is not out of the question.

 

To the replier that wrote about her actually having an affair with him, rather than a one-night-stand. I just cant believe that she would have actually done it more than once.

 

You also couldn't believe she slept with him to begin with. You can't trust what you believe. The fact is you don't know her as well as you think. I'm not trying to be harsh but you're still in denial about what she did. Her story sounds far fetched at best. I strongly urge you to push for the whole truth. That drunk excuse is just an excuse so she won't have to face what she did and talk to you about it. I really think something more is going on here. All the signs are there.

 

Please be careful. You seem like a nice guy I'd hate to see her pull the blinders over you because you love her. Right now you need to think with your head and not your heart. Not thinking is what lead to her cheating on you to begin with, don't make the same mistake she did by ignoring the obvious.

 

Good luck

[desoba]

I finally got a reason out of her today. She said that this guy made her feel beautiful and always said nice things to her(apparently the things I wasnt saying to her) and always complimented her on her body after having four kids,(which I must say is absolutely stunning after having 4 kids).

She also said when we fight I was always mean to her and called her names, and this guy was always so nice to her. I really dont recall ever being that mean.

 

I know that doesnt give her an excuse, and I'm not going to blame myself for this.

[Marcus as the Peanut]

First of all i dont think for one second,that she had one ONS..

 

Becuse Chlamydia takes months as a minimum before you get any symptones

 

Sorry ,man i think you are being played ..Dig and you will find out more