NC Purpose - open question

[lostlovebbg]

Wow oyster that's a lot of controll in your part... Congrats... I wish I could say the same. I'm not sure what I'm doing and my emotions are all messed up. My heart and head are always fighting. Right now my heart is winning. :-(

[Freedom Now]

When my xMM's birthday came around in August, he didn't hear a word from me.

 

He had his WIFE to celebrate it with him.

 

Silence speaks volumes, oyster!

[oyster]

When my xMM's birthday came around in August, he didn't hear a word from me.

 

He had his WIFE to celebrate it with him.

 

Silence speaks volumes, oyster!

 

you do have a point, they should have someone else to celebrate it with.

 

Will resume and try to be on course with the "Silence of the lamb" treatment.

 

Probably going to drive her nuts to the point she will show up at my workplace

[Freedom Now]

If she wants you, she knows where to find you.

 

Keep your chin up boy!

 

You are doing great!

[redlynne]

1-What is the purpose of NC when you used it

I was tired if being involved with a MM and he wasnt to contact me until he was separted or D.

2-How long was the NC for

sometimes 1week sometimes a month i think the longest was almost 3 months.

3-How many NC period did you have and why?

at least 10:o in 5 years,because he would call,he missed me loved me etc, rarely i would break no contact.

[oyster]

1-What is the purpose of NC when you used it

I was tired if being involved with a MM and he wasnt to contact me until he was separted or D.

2-How long was the NC for

sometimes 1week sometimes a month i think the longest was almost 3 months.

3-How many NC period did you have and why?

at least 10:o in 5 years,because he would call,he missed me loved me etc, rarely i would break no contact.

 

I think I am using your #1.

 

#3, I hope you are dating other man during these 5 years?

[whichwayisup]

O, it comes down to this...If she is to talk to you it should be JUST about her choice on whether she's staying in her marriage or leaving it. Not fluff stuff, reaching out and having small conversations about nothing with you.

 

Her 'testing' the waters is making sure you're still interested and will wait abit longer for her to make her choice.

 

Don't send her the happy bday card.

[movinon05]

You will do what you want, but please please please do not send her a card. She opened a door with a silly little question. Obviously if she was ready to move on, she would have said so.

 

She's looking for her fix. To know you still care even though she's dragging YOU through the muck and the mire!!!!!! She has to understand that she made an agreement with you, asked you for NC (I think, right?), and now she needs her fix. NOT FAIR TO YOU, OYSTER!!!!!!!!!

 

Stick to your plan - she has to shyt or get off the pot!!!!!

[oyster]

You will do what you want, but please please please do not send her a card. She opened a door with a silly little question. Obviously if she was ready to move on, she would have said so.

 

She's looking for her fix. To know you still care even though she's dragging YOU through the muck and the mire!!!!!! She has to understand that she made an agreement with you, asked you for NC (I think, right?), and now she needs her fix. NOT FAIR TO YOU, OYSTER!!!!!!!!!

 

Stick to your plan - she has to shyt or get off the pot!!!!!

 

thanks for the help. No sending cards, killing her softly. She won't get her fix, I give it 2-3 months before hell breaks loose in her marriage.

 

 

I need NC so I can focus my energy on going out and interviewing new woman.

 

I am going away on the weekend of her birthday, out of town :bunny:

[frannie]

She contacted me today via msn IM. Asking about how her "hello kitty doll" is?

 

I said it was healthy.

 

She replied thanks and went offline.

 

I guess I broke NC:mad:

 

Argh.

 

She waited for a response from you and then disappeared..? Asked you about her DOLL when she knew what you were waiting for..? That's a bit rough

 

Can you get the doll back to her without any further contact?

 

Please don't send a card. Make her wait it out. She's the one who asked for NC.

[oyster]

Argh.

 

She waited for a response from you and then disappeared..? Asked you about her DOLL when she knew what you were waiting for..? That's a bit rough

 

Can you get the doll back to her without any further contact?

 

Please don't send a card. Make her wait it out. She's the one who asked for NC.

 

I just remembered, she disappeared because she had night class that evening.

 

yes fluff talk is rough when she knows what I am expecting.

 

I could meet a common friend but they will be probing information and that will open my feelings so best if I avoid her and her friends.

 

not giving her a bday card or anything else except if she fully complies to my needs.

[oyster]

Today, I was hesitating but finally I found the strength to close the weak door of Instant Messaging.

 

I blocked her so she won't have the opportunity to know my whereabouts, nor to "test the waters".

 

Only 2 options of contact are:

 

1-showing up physically (at my work or home)

 

or

 

2-calling me.

[movinon05]

GOOD for you, Oyster!! That sends a clear message to her. Now your next strong step is to remove her from your IMs so you don't know if she is on or offline. It keeps you from thinking about her and looking at "her" online.

 

But, baby steps! Good job! I'm sure you had to take a few deep breathes before you did that!

[oyster]

GOOD for you, Oyster!! That sends a clear message to her. Now your next strong step is to remove her from your IMs so you don't know if she is on or offline. It keeps you from thinking about her and looking at "her" online.

 

But, baby steps! Good job! I'm sure you had to take a few deep breathes before you did that!

 

 

GOOD idea, I just downgraded her from "blocking" to move to "Ex" folder to "delete" contact.

 

now she can't know if I am still available (like being online Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday night = home alone and not out hunting).

 

She will clue in soon because I am on MSN all day at work and not seeing me online during business hours.

 

That should send her bad vibes till her birthday and the weekend after her birthday with no sign of life from me.....let's see her reaction.

[movinon05]

Great. Do you also understand what this means to her? This means that she does not have the cozy comfort of knowing you are right there at the click of a keyboard should she wish to communicate. Almost like a cyber EA, if you know what I mean. She doesn't know your whereabouts and doesn't "assume" you are sitting there thinking of her while she is sitting there thinking about you. This is the power of NC. She has to understand that she made this decision and you are going to keep her to it. She cannot dangle carrots, like the "doll" message. She must think you are serious and you mean business. She has to realize that you have a life too, not a life waiting for her until she sees the light.

 

What she does with that information is another story which will unfold one way or the other.

[oyster]

Great. Do you also understand what this means to her? This means that she does not have the cozy comfort of knowing you are right there at the click of a keyboard should she wish to communicate. Almost like a cyber EA, if you know what I mean. She doesn't know your whereabouts and doesn't "assume" you are sitting there thinking of her while she is sitting there thinking about you. This is the power of NC. She has to understand that she made this decision and you are going to keep her to it. She cannot dangle carrots, like the "doll" message. She must think you are serious and you mean business. She has to realize that you have a life too, not a life waiting for her until she sees the light.

 

What she does with that information is another story which will unfold one way or the other.

 

well tonight I can sleep with a clear mind. I waited a few days after the agreed date and got a fluff carrot. I am offended so I am keeping NC as per her request and for my own sanity and clearing my schedule to meet other people.

 

Yes, I have a life and I have to act like the prize to be a prize.

 

 

So what is your speculation on how she will process the information?

[Guest]

Oyster I have read your thread with great interest.

I think that as she initiated the NC to give herself time to think, and she hasn't contacted you, it definitely shows that she hasn't made the decision to be with you. If she wanted more time she could have contacted you and asked for it.

 

My bet is, that she hasn't contacted you because she is too cowardly and she doesn't have the answer you want. She also may find it painful to face you so she has taken the chicken way out without contemplating that you need closure. So you have to take closure from her inaction whilst in the back of your head you are thinking that she may come to her senses and phone you tomorrow with the answer that you want.

Is that about it or am I being too simplistic?

 

My MM goes NC if I push him for answers but he has never asked me for NC and has never finished the relationship--that has always been my call. Don't know what this means but just trying to help.

I also don't think you should not send her a birthday card or initiate any contact because she initiated the NC and it looks as if you are chasing after her.

Meanwhile just go out and about, and busy yourself, which is what you seem to be doing

[movinon05]

Well obviously it is all speculation since we don't know what is going on in her home. But I'm sure at first she will be shocked and saddened. But she will realize you mean business. She bought herself time, but now the clock has run out. She'll maybe wait and hope to see something on her birthday. I'm sure she's doing a lot of thinking right now. And I'm sure she is thinking a lot about you. And wondering about you. The residuals of an A are not over for either party once there is no communication.

 

I can't predict what she will do in the future because that will all depend on whether she tries to make her marriage work. But I suspect if she realizes she is still unhappy in the next month or two, you'll be hearing from her. You see, she is on her own now. She doesn't have you as a fail safe. If she takes her marriage seriously and tries to make it work, you may not hear from her. But this all depends on her now. I don't know how committed she is.

 

Meanwhile, you continue on with your life, keep yourself busy.

 

You're very lucky to have the benefit of this board. I didn't. My exMM kept coming back every two months or so, begging - sometimes on his hands and knees. And sometimes he did leave, but always went back because of many factors. I didn't have the benefit of this board to see the patterns as clearly when he still wouldn't leave or stay gone, or to know just how common this is. And he was pressured a lot by his W, just as your MW's H. I sure as hell don't want to see you holding up your life for her for years like I did.

[oyster]

Oyster I have read your thread with great interest.

I think that as she initiated the NC to give herself time to think, and she hasn't contacted you, it definitely shows that she hasn't made the decision to be with you. If she wanted more time she could have contacted you and asked for it.

 

thanks for reading the thread and providing feedback.

you are right about if she wanted more time she would had contacted me and request more time. I think she does not know how much time she needs.

 

My bet is, that she hasn't contacted you because she is too cowardly and she doesn't have the answer you want. She also may find it painful to face you so she has taken the chicken way out without contemplating that you need closure. So you have to take closure from her inaction whilst in the back of your head you are thinking that she may come to her senses and phone you tomorrow with the answer that you want.

Is that about it or am I being too simplistic?

 

simplicity point of view is good, all feedback are good as it helps me understand and see other possible roads.

 

 

My MM goes NC if I push him for answers but he has never asked me for NC and has never finished the relationship--that has always been my call. Don't know what this means but just trying to help.

I also don't think you should not send her a birthday card or initiate any contact because she initiated the NC and it looks as if you are chasing after her.

Meanwhile just go out and about, and busy yourself, which is what you seem to be doing

 

I think attached people can't provide answers because they are so confused

[oyster]

Well obviously it is all speculation since we don't know what is going on in her home. But I'm sure at first she will be shocked and saddened. But she will realize you mean business. She bought herself time, but now the clock has run out. She'll maybe wait and hope to see something on her birthday. I'm sure she's doing a lot of thinking right now. And I'm sure she is thinking a lot about you. And wondering about you. The residuals of an A are not over for either party once there is no communication.

 

yes I think this is valid that she was buying herself time. She is thinking and when she clues into 1 more door closed, she will think more.

 

Never thought of the residuals part of your comment once there is no communication.

 

I can't predict what she will do in the future because that will all depend on whether she tries to make her marriage work. But I suspect if she realizes she is still unhappy in the next month or two, you'll be hearing from her. You see, she is on her own now. She doesn't have you as a fail safe. If she takes her marriage seriously and tries to make it work, you may not hear from her. But this all depends on her now. I don't know how committed she is.

 

I think right now because of the pressure from the H that she is pretending to be a cooperating wife.

 

She will realize she is unhappy soon because she been unhappy since 2-3 years.

 

Husband was and still cheating on her. How long can a man play poker face and stay at home pretending to be a warm husband. He has a girlfriend on the side who is waiting. So he has pressure from the girlfriend.

 

you might be right about 2-3 months and not hearing from her.

 

Having endure 18+ years of bad marriage, she might stay saying to herself, if I survived 18+ years, what is another half life with this a.. hole hubby of mine.

 

Meanwhile, you continue on with your life, keep yourself busy.

 

You're very lucky to have the benefit of this board. I didn't. My exMM kept coming back every two months or so, begging - sometimes on his hands and knees. And sometimes he did leave, but always went back because of many factors. I didn't have the benefit of this board to see the patterns as clearly when he still wouldn't leave or stay gone, or to know just how common this is. And he was pressured a lot by his W, just as your MW's H. I sure as hell don't want to see you holding up your life for her for years like I did.

 

 

I am puzzle about these pressure from the other spouse. Is it because they invested money, time, history together that they have to fight teeth and nail?

[movinon05]

This is a very sad situation. I wasn't aware he was cheating and still has a girlfriend. And I don't recall how long you were seeing each other.

 

She obviously has issues. Because of her situation, she needed someone and found you. There was a very similar situation on here with a guy and a MW in the past 6 months. She was waffling back and forth and the guy was hanging on waiting forever. I just don't want to see that happen to you.

 

The sad thing is that her H is obviously very controlling and she, after all these years, doesn't know how to deal with it and become stronger and not put up with it. What you have to realize is that you can't do this for her. She has to do it herself. And you could very well be waiting for a very long time before that MIGHT actually happen. Therefore, you need to go on with your life and let the chips fall where they may.

 

I think that many times, in this type of situation, when people get into As, they get caught up in a fantasy and think they can do it, they can leave. But when d-day comes, they falter. They never really understand, from their perspective, the enormity of leaving until d-day arrives. And they start to avoid it and become weak.

 

I can't speak for everyone with regard to why a BS puts so much pressure on the WS in such a controlling manner. I know my exMM's W would say "fine, go", and would then hound him to death with threats til he came back home. He wasn't able to stand up to her either. He was also fighting to keep his kids from hating him because she involved them directly. In the end, after many years of promises to me, he did decide to stay for whatever reason. At that point, it didn't matter, because I wasn't going to be strung along through that any more.

 

I think you're looking at basically the same scenario. Which is why you have to think of you now. Its hard not wondering what they're thinking or feeling, but somewhere down the line, you will look back and either find someone new or realize that taking care of you first was the right thing to do for your own sanity. You can't live other people's lives for them. And you can't "make" them do what you think is the right thing to do. You only have control over you. We're only here for a short time. Which is why you're doing the right thing, as much as it might hurt. But I can tell you, it does get better.

[oyster]

today, I got a call from her, she is using block number.

 

She needed her book so I agreed to make a detour and deliver it to her sister condominium. We agreed on a time but after that time, I decided to leave it at the concierge and left. Since I ereased her phone number from my mobile, I could not return her call.

 

Anyhow she called 20min later, told her to go downstair as I left it there because I could not call her back and had plans to be somewhere else. Kept it short. She was using her sweet voice:bunny: .

 

Then she asked if I brought her doll. Ops, forgot but I asked her if she like, I could drop the doll at the concierge first thing tomorrow morning, she said not necessary.

 

Anyhow, I don't plan on calling her and will be more cautious about picking phone calls from block numbers.

[frannie]

today, I got a call from her, she is using block number.

 

She needed her book so I agreed to make a detour and deliver it to her sister condominium. We agreed on a time but after that time, I decided to leave it at the concierge and left. Since I ereased her phone number from my mobile, I could not return her call.

 

Anyhow she called 20min later, told her to go downstair as I left it there because I could not call her back and had plans to be somewhere else. Kept it short. She was using her sweet voice:bunny: .

 

Then she asked if I brought her doll. Ops, forgot but I asked her if she like, I could drop the doll at the concierge first thing tomorrow morning, she said not necessary.

 

Anyhow, I don't plan on calling her and will be more cautious about picking phone calls from block numbers.

 

I don't understand... if the number is blocked why are you still getting the calls..?

 

But never mind... you did SO well..!!!!

 

Doesn't surprise me about the 'oh nevermind' about the doll. I'd drop it off anyway, whether it 'matters' or not. As long as you have it she has a poor excuse to contact you. Send it back and she'll have a harder time coming up with reasons to call.

 

Well done, oyster...

[oyster]

 

Doesn't surprise me about the 'oh nevermind' about the doll. I'd drop it off anyway, whether it 'matters' or not. As long as you have it she has a poor excuse to contact you. Send it back and she'll have a harder time coming up with reasons to call.

 

Well done, oyster...

 

well she tried calling from her blocked number 3 times last night till she decided to leave a message to call her back before the night.

 

I REFUSED to call her back last night. I won't pick up block calls after 10pm!!!!

 

I wonder what she wants.

[whichwayisup]

You should email her once and tell her that if she has left her husband, moved and has papers signed, delivered and sealed THEN you two will speak, but until then she now has to respect why you need NC. As much as it may hurt her not to have you in her life, even ever-so-casually, it's got to be killing your heart.....

 

There is no reason for her to talk to you unless she's made her decision. Good or bad - She can't keep you hanging in the wind for too much longer, that's not fair.