Guest Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 Caliguy, why have we all allowed our exes to treat us the way that we did? Why did we allow it until they broke up with us? Why do we never leave them and search for something better? I'm sure that all of us are guilty of this on here to a certain extent. We say that we will not allow others to treat us badly again but will we actually see it when we are once again in the same situation, or will the blinders still be on?
Grrlish Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 Alot of gals say that they can smell a player... thats not true and you all know it. Well, some stink more than others so they're easier to sniff out. Some resemble players that we've seen before, so they're easier to spot. But you're right: Sometimes no matter how much sniffing we do and how slow we take things, a player slips through. Or maybe it's not that they're so much a player as that they have other 'issues' that make them do weird sh*t. RD we are all jaded from these experieces, but we know better then just moaning over it, pick ourselves up and keep our integrity. Wallow in it for a while, I say. Then wake up one day and dust yourself off and get on with it. I would rather maintain my integrity and keep waiting for The One than lower my standards or my expectations for what I want in my life. I'm To keep your character intact you cannot stoop to filthy acts. It makes it easier to stoop the next time. ~ Katherine Hepburn She's been sending group mails to me saying how much of a good time shes having and I think shes either doing this to hurt me more or someone needs to put sense into her. Urggghhhhhh....... Ask her to stop. I've had to do this in the past.
Author jusified Posted January 2, 2007 Author Posted January 2, 2007 to guest: I realise the samething, at the time I've always believed that I was committed to her, I supported her, I forgave her and I believed in her to change or know how much things hurt me so she will not do it agan. After the break up I realise there are just alot of things that came down to a few principle issues. These were her attitude, her immaturity, her age and pesonality, I hope she learns and grows up (probably in like 10 years HAHAH) but it is no longer my concern. So for my next relationship I definately will treat the girl well and give them chances but if they continue to do something that hurts me and not do anything about it I'm leaving. To Grrlish: It doesn't bother me anymore if she group emails me, I just delete and ignore it. I do not wish to contact her because there is nothing I want to say to her and there relly isn't anything I want/need to her or she can/want to say to me. It's just interesting to see some ppl have said they regret doing something similar to this when they were young. When she left she apparently said to a few people this could be the worst decision in her life (she said that to me also). But I'm seen that as just a doubt that most girls have. I'm happy with who I am and how good I was to her (despite my few faults).
SweetPinkNYC Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Hey Justified, It sounds like it was indeed a really spontaneous and rash decision on her part, and chances are, it won't work out between her and the new guy. Partly because it was an impetuous decision, and partly because she is young - and has already demonstrated that she is interested in "playing the field." So the odds of the new relationship lasting seem pretty slim. The big question remains then, is whether YOU would want to take her back, after you take some time to process the situation and go through the emotional healing process. If you are really serious about wanting her back, I'd have to say, don't contact her and start seeing new people. Girls usually go a little nuts when they find out their ex is with someone new, and while I wouldn't directly advocate dating someone new purely for the purpose of attracting your ex back, I can pretty safely say that having someone new on your arm will definitely get your ex's attention. Good luck!
Author jusified Posted January 2, 2007 Author Posted January 2, 2007 well the situation atm is that after think about the whole thing I've realised these things. Positives: 1) I always supported her, loved her, cared about her unconditionally. Always tried to forgive her and supported her through her problems. 2) I use to drive her when she calls me to tell me no one from her family is available so i need to driver her in 10 minutes to language school (where she does it with 3 other people and 1 of them was an ex, but he isnt an issure) which was 30 minutes away, I then wait for her for 2 hours alone and drive her back. 3) I cooked for her and her family quite often and help her around the house 4) Drove her bro when no one was able to 5) Look after her when she was sick, bought medicine and kept her company becaus no one was home. Wipe snort off her face and stayed with her till she fell asleep LOL 6) Was always understanding of her insecurities and had her best interest at heart, 7) Trusted her to go out with friends and enjoy her own things 8) helped her at uni, brought dinner /lunch for us Negatives: 1) I raised my voice and get frastrated with her sometimes so I need to improve that. E.G her seen ex alone without telling me, cancel on me last minute to go out with friends, the worst is she doesn't think she did anything wrong but rather she had the right to do it which hurts me more. I never let her go to sleep feeling sad or upset, if i did something bad i would call up and apologies or apologies straight away. 2) I organised a dinner party for her and had to pick up over $400 because her friends left without paying and she stuck up for them and said it wasn't them....... who else was it cos i know i had to pay for it 3) I should have been to support her in more of her sport games ( I do realise this but its only for the past 6 month), however I use to always go, I stoped going because she told her team about some personal things and they were making fun of me, which is fine but she didn't even defend me but sided with them and said it was ok. 4) She didn't communicate her issues very well, and broke every promise she has made to me. She promised she would work on any problems we had but just broke up, packed up and left me alone in the holidays. 5) She lies, deceives and pretends things didn't happen, no doubt this break up/relationship will be one of them. 6) 1 year ago I walked in to her house to meet with her after she had canceled on me 2wice in one week, she was on the phone so i sat next to her, she continued to talk on the phone and pretended I wasn't there. Then her dad came in and asked me to drive her bro to the shops, I was so upet at how she treated me for the past 2 weeks that on a dangerous corner I crashed my car into another car whom suddenly stoped. This costed me over $3000. I didnt have car and lost me licence, she promised me she would drive me to my baseball games but broke that promise since she only drove me to 3 games out of like the whole season and I did not even get upset because I told her I understand if she can'tget the car or was too busy doing her own thing. 7) After supporting her to go exchange, looked accomodation and interviws she left me. Again i've lost nearly $1000 on cancellations, application fee and passport fees. She would often get me to pay stuff. ones she said "can you but the train ticket? I dont want to break my $20 note.) Its not the money that matters to me because I always paid, its the principle behind it that she doesnt care about my well being. In the end she did do a few good things, but there were alot of other things that really hurt me, and the worst is she never cared enough to even talk to me about it, NEVER CARED ENOUGH TO CONSIDER MY FEELINGS EVEN WITH THE BREAK UP instead I had to try and talk to her and then she pretends its fine and ok to do whatever she wants and disregard how hurt I am. I don't want to get back with her, I honestly wish her the best and I know if she does grow up and improve herself she will realise how must care, support and love I gave her. If she doesn't improve herself and stay selfish then I feel sorry for guys that do go out with her.
CaliGuy Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Caliguy, why have we all allowed our exes to treat us the way that we did? Why did we allow it until they broke up with us? Why do we never leave them and search for something better? Mostly due to no boundaries or boundaries with holes in them. We let them cross through our boundaries time and time again and in the end, it makes you a door mat. You don't have the self-respect to say "Hey, this is BS and I don't want any part of it." We ignored the red flags. They were there all along, we just chose to ignore them and in the end, we did this to ourselves. I'm sure that all of us are guilty of this on here to a certain extent. We say that we will not allow others to treat us badly again but will we actually see it when we are once again in the same situation, or will the blinders still be on? Read "Love Must Be Tough" (Dobson) and "Boundaries" (Cloud/Townsend) to understand boundaries and why they are important in every relationship. Boundaries create lines of respect which as we all know, respect precedes love. Without respecting you, your s/o can not love you.
Author jusified Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 that is very good Caliguy. The advise is very much appreciated
Author jusified Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 bump.. Yersterday was a really bad day for me. Basically I felt really alone and had no one to talk to. It felt especially bad cause I was suppose to talk to a friend on the phone because we never got to talk on the phone and yersterday was planed out. Then she wasn't home and then when she called me later on I was talking to someone already so I was rude to her on the phone. Basically said it in a upset tone "no dont worry about, dont worry about it, dont worry about it, dont have to call me" She msged me later saying I shouldn't take my anger out on her, I felt bad so I apologiesed a few times etc.... grrrr, I've already stuffed up the few supportive friends I have lol, well i suppose i deserve it. I also get party/event emails from the exchange Uni i didnt go to (where the ex is). I've heard shes been out partying, drinking and having a blast....... I feel pretty bad hahaha, i suppose I will get over it soon. I'm hoping, hoping to come on here one day and reply to this thread and say "I met some one great, its been a while now and she really loves and appreciates me." I hope that day will come soon, cos its hell lonely and hurtful atm.
CaliGuy Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 bump.. Yersterday was a really bad day for me. Basically I felt really alone and had no one to talk to. It felt especially bad cause I was suppose to talk to a friend on the phone because we never got to talk on the phone and yersterday was planed out. Then she wasn't home and then when she called me later on I was talking to someone already so I was rude to her on the phone. Basically said it in a upset tone "no dont worry about, dont worry about it, dont worry about it, dont have to call me" She msged me later saying I shouldn't take my anger out on her, I felt bad so I apologiesed a few times etc.... grrrr, I've already stuffed up the few supportive friends I have lol, well i suppose i deserve it. I also get party/event emails from the exchange Uni i didnt go to (where the ex is). I've heard shes been out partying, drinking and having a blast....... I feel pretty bad hahaha, i suppose I will get over it soon. I'm hoping, hoping to come on here one day and reply to this thread and say "I met some one great, its been a while now and she really loves and appreciates me." I hope that day will come soon, cos its hell lonely and hurtful atm. Justified. Are you going to the gym? (And I mean at least 5 days a week) What hobbies do you have? What hobbies haven't you tried yet? Are you focusing in on your classes? Are you "hanging" out with your friends or are you "dumping" on them? If you find you are dumping on them too often it's probably the right time to go see a Counselor. It's their job to listen to you. Your friends, they can only listen to it so much and then they're going to get tired of hearing about it. Yes, they love you, but they want you to be happy and want to be around happy people. Remember, time doesn't heal all wounds but it's what you do with that time that determines how fast you heal. You know you need to kick start the healing process. Maybe going to a Counselor will help you with that.
ImInPain Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I think you need to totally let go. All the energy you are putting into this is dragging you down. Do things for you. Buy yourself something nice. Get out of the house. She will possibly realize some day what she has done if not it's her loss. My ex-wife came back 3 years after she dumped me and wanted to get back together. I laughed, but had she done it 6 months after I may have been dumb enough to take her back. I am going through the same thing right now and I am in total HARD CORE NC. I don't deserve to be treated like a doormat nor do you. Be a man stand up for yourself and move on. Mine called several weeks ago and said she thinks about me everyday and gets sick and throws up when she takes out our pictures and such. She still isn't back with me. She does realize what she lost though. I think any person in a long term relationship will always look back at what they lost, good or bad. Anyway you have to take your power back and be strong for yourself. Good luck man. Remember it won't help but there are lots of us in the same boat. Let go and be strong.
Author jusified Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 I'm doing orite, ding a alot of things and hobbies to keep myself busy and exercising etc. Its bad because its the summer holidays here down under, and my original were obviously changed last minute so I've been feeling pretty lonely. Its not that I put alot of enegy into this break up now, I'm just hurt by what happened. I just hit really rough patches here and there. I'm sure in time I be ok...
Guest Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 You just need to remember what I have bolded and tell yourself that every time you think of her. My ex treated me like crap because she didn't love me. And I know I will never, ever put up with that behavior towards me again. You treat me like crap, you're out of my life. No ifs, ands or buts. As long as you remind yourself of that and realize that people come and go in our lives but very few "significant others" are meant to stay for a lifetime. Your ex wasn't meant to stay in your life forever. Learn what you can from this, let it make you a better/stronger person and let it benefit the next woman that comes into your life. Cheers. Your ex treated you like crap because you allowed it. Stop blaming her for the way you allowed yourself to feel. It's you..not her.
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