he's pulling away. can i get him back??

[CaliGuy]

you seem to know your stuff what would the guy think if you were making contact on a continued basis, he responded although not as much as (I) did, then I pulled back, with not contact because he wasn't making contact...well anyway what I'm getting at is..what would he think since I drastically cut back my contact with him? Is that the part where they think somethings going on, so they make contact? Just curious, I mean I understand your posts, but would he then start to miss that contact and then initiate contact himself?

 

The thing about pulling back is, it's no guarantee they will come back. If their mind is made up to fly to other pastures, no amount of pulling back or clinging will matter.

 

However, the idea behind pulling back is to give them space and breathing room. If you give them the opportunity to stay or go (let them make the choice, not try to force it on them) then the possibility of them staying is greater because there is no pressure.

 

But again, pulling back guarantees only one thing and that is you will feel better about yourself because the focus comes off them and onto you.

 

Cheers.

[amaysngrace]

I write what I think. People get mad for the truth...I hope its not your case

 

Apology accepted.

 

See what you wrote above ^^^^

 

Well, just because it's your thoughts of someone doesn't make it the 'truth'. It makes it true to you only unless and until the person sees it as the truth as well. Till then, it is merely your opinion of another person.

 

Love is a choice. You choose who you let into your heart. If you aren't getting what you need from that person on an emotional level, you can choose to let them go OR give them more love, and work through it with them. But it is a choice.

 

And it boils down to personal comfort levels. But you first have to know who YOU are and what YOU'RE comfortable with so you don't freak out and become all emotional when dealing with what seems as a threat to your own comfort level.

 

Take the OP for instance. She is stressing. She thinks she's been too pushy. She has put herself out there for this guy and has left herself vulnerable. Now, instead of being nice to her, he is leaving her feeling insecure. She's placed too much dependence on this man to fill her own security. It is her responsibility to herself to feel secure in who she is. As is with all of us.

 

If she was insecure prior to this, she now has a choice. To remain insecure and be possibly worse due to this relationship with this man who didn't take it upon himself to care for her and her feelings properly, or she can realize she should get on with her life and not let this man drain her of one more precious thought of hers.

 

If she chooses the first option, then she would have allowed him to affect her in a negative way, wouldn't you say?

 

But basically it is much more important to be secure in the first place before getting into a relationship. Until anyone is there, they should really be alone and put the emphasis on the relationship they have with themselves. Or they may continually struggle trying to seek out from others what they should have gotten from themselves.

 

Loving someone should not change who you are in the least.

 

 

PS I'm sorry if you found me to be insultive to you.

[Walk]

Kittenhead.. what are you going to do if he only makes time to see you for one day? You implied that you two were going to sleep together. I'd be kind of hurt if the guy was distant and only made enough time to see me for a day and then wanted sex to boot.

 

I'm worried that you might sleep with him and then find he completely disappears off the face of the planet. Don't sleep with him if there's even the smallest chance that you're doing it just to keep him interested, ok? It'll end badly for both of you. If you're feeling like he's really into you, and you have a much better understanding of why he had been pulling away, then fine, go with the flow. But if everythign is still unanswered, and there's no understanding of what's caused the disconnect, then don't sleep with him. It'd be too much for me to bear if I slept with a guy and then he vanished. Hurts like a bytch. And from the way you described how things have been going.. I could see that happening in this instance.

 

Just be careful. I don't want to see you get hurt.

[chill chic]

The thing about pulling back is, it's no guarantee they will come back. If their mind is made up to fly to other pastures, no amount of pulling back or clinging will matter.

 

However, the idea behind pulling back is to give them space and breathing room. If you give them the opportunity to stay or go (let them make the choice, not try to force it on them) then the possibility of them staying is greater because there is no pressure.

 

But again, pulling back guarantees only one thing and that is you will feel better about yourself because the focus comes off them and onto you.

 

Cheers.

 

ok if I sent an email asking him for help on what kinda car I should get, etc, or this other time I told him something about myself that relates to him & said it would give us something else to talk about. now that's not pressure kinda stuff right?

what would be a good time length of letting him breath? I've read in a book that if a guy has a hard time showing emotions, like protecting his ego sorta thing, that you should keep in contact, just to show him that, even if he's scared to open up just yet, you're supposed to show him that you're being patient with them , and not give them the cold shoulder w/cutting off contact. I don't know I've read that before, does that make any sense? lol

[CaliGuy]

ok if I sent an email asking him for help on what kinda car I should get, etc, or this other time I told him something about myself that relates to him & said it would give us something else to talk about. now that's not pressure kinda stuff right?

what would be a good time length of letting him breath? I've read in a book that if a guy has a hard time showing emotions, like protecting his ego sorta thing, that you should keep in contact, just to show him that, even if he's scared to open up just yet, you're supposed to show him that you're being patient with them , and not give them the cold shoulder w/cutting off contact. I don't know I've read that before, does that make any sense? lol

 

 

I'd have to read your entire story but at this point I'd say don't go looking for reasons or excuses to talk to him. If he's pulling back YOU pull back as well. If he really wants to be with you TIME will change his mind. If you try and force him mind to change, he'll spring from the cage and run.

 

If I were in your shoes I would occupy my time with ME. Gym, hobbies, friends, personal improvement, etc. Fill your time with TODAY so that you don't spend all your time on the past.

 

I know it's very cliche' but if they really love you, set them free and let them be free to come back to you on their own.

[pureinheart]

You sound like a really cool person....

 

Something doesn't sound right here, something else is up with him....I mean it's not like you two are together all of the time, and him saying he's stressed....ect....sounds like an excuse.....he's acting like he wants distance....I'd give him all kinds of distance, so much distance he'd never find me again.

 

I just started reading the dating posts because that is where I'm at in my life, and have to tell you, I am so appauled at the games these "hot and cold" individuals are playing. They capture your hearts and it's like 'ok done now'.....like they accomplished what they set out to do and are done.

 

Kitten, in the past I had my head played with sooooo bad.....one time a "to die for man" chased me mercilessly....wined and dined me the whole nine yards.....I was stone cold in love with this guy....then the games....he played some REALLY cruel games.....then later on after we had split up he told me he did it on purpose to see what it felt like to hurt someone ....he said his last gf did it to him....JERK, with a capitol J.

 

Your good people....find a GOOD man that will fit you.....sorry, this makes me sooooo mad

[pureinheart]

Dr. Dobson describes men (or women) pulling away as this:

 

 

Hey Cali....Im a Cali too! Isn't this from the Love must be tough book? I love that book.....

 

I was reading this thread at work, and as I read Kittens post, I thought of this book, and then see your reply....how cool!

 

You know, it's hard but I don't even think God will let me date, the right one will be the right one and that'll be it. So in the meantime I have to wait on God and deal with being without a mate for a little longer.....take care!

[DanielMadr]

Apology accepted.

 

See what you wrote above ^^^^

 

Well, just because it's your thoughts of someone doesn't make it the 'truth'. It makes it true to you only unless and until the person sees it as the truth as well. Till then, it is merely your opinion of another person.

 

Love is a choice. You choose who you let into your heart. If you aren't getting what you need from that person on an emotional level, you can choose to let them go OR give them more love, and work through it with them. But it is a choice.

 

And it boils down to personal comfort levels. But you first have to know who YOU are and what YOU'RE comfortable with so you don't freak out and become all emotional when dealing with what seems as a threat to your own comfort level.

 

Take the OP for instance. She is stressing. She thinks she's been too pushy. She has put herself out there for this guy and has left herself vulnerable. Now, instead of being nice to her, he is leaving her feeling insecure. She's placed too much dependence on this man to fill her own security. It is her responsibility to herself to feel secure in who she is. As is with all of us.

 

If she was insecure prior to this, she now has a choice. To remain insecure and be possibly worse due to this relationship with this man who didn't take it upon himself to care for her and her feelings properly, or she can realize she should get on with her life and not let this man drain her of one more precious thought of hers.

 

If she chooses the first option, then she would have allowed him to affect her in a negative way, wouldn't you say?

 

But basically it is much more important to be secure in the first place before getting into a relationship. Until anyone is there, they should really be alone and put the emphasis on the relationship they have with themselves. Or they may continually struggle trying to seek out from others what they should have gotten from themselves.

 

Loving someone should not change who you are in the least.

 

 

PS I'm sorry if you found me to be insultive to you.

 

I think when you build the walls around your heart too thick you cant be much happier than without any walls.

 

Shy, insecure girl is not so big turn off for a guy than shy, insecure girl acting cold, arrogant, distant, aloof to conceal her insecurity.

 

Balance is the key. Not one day hot and one day cold.

 

He can hurt her only with a brick. People hurt themselves when it comes to love.

 

Strong person are not afraid to be vulnerable...they can withstand some damage. She should learn how to be stronger - not to pity herself and shield herslef all the time - without this power struggle - who puts down the shield first game.....it is riddiculous and it wont make her happier.

 

It is not wise to be ego-maniac fighting with one hand on balls...errr....boobs.

[amaysngrace]

Balance is the key.

 

Finally we agree on something.

[DanielMadr]

Finally we agree on something.

 

Unfortunately this sentece I have used...'Balance is a key'....is true but a little bit of cliche aka B.S. So we dont have any practical/empiric solution How sad.