kittenhead Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 i want to be smart about this b/c in truth i'm in love with this man and have perhaps made myself too available to him. it went from VERY intense--contact all day via email and texting (we live far away from eavh other)--to one day it just dropped. very heated and pasisonate to luke warm. i asked him about this--but he said he had been busy with work and stressed and tired. but i feel him retreating. we made plans to see each other for christmas 8 months ago. and i'm having doubts if he'll even follow through with a visit. i feel so stupid for fo0llowing the insensity...b/c it just fizzled out--but not on my end...so i feel like a hyper puppy dog. i'm trying to be forthright with my feelings since i haven't in the past. but i don't want to blow this. i don't know what to do really. he's coming home in just 9 days i think. what can i do between now and then to chill out and get him interested?
Author kittenhead Posted December 12, 2006 Author Posted December 12, 2006 since the torrid love afair began... we have been both chomping at the bit to see each other and finally have sex since its been such a long build up. i feel like we are a couple...but i don't think he feels that way.
amaysngrace Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Don't call him or text him or anything. Wait for him to contact you. Make plans with friends and go out. Become unavailable a little and see if that doesn't make him realize you're in high demand and he should feel lucky that you share your time with him. See if that doesn't work. And if he never calls again, then he really wasn't that interested in the first place and at least you'll know where you stand. You deserve someone who is into you. So in either case, it's a win/win.
DanielMadr Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Don't call him or text him or anything. Wait for him to contact you. Make plans with friends and go out. Become unavailable a little and see if that doesn't make him realize you're in high demand and he should feel lucky that you share your time with him. See if that doesn't work. And if he never calls again, then he really wasn't that interested in the first place and at least you'll know where you stand. You deserve someone who is into you. So in either case, it's a win/win. UH OH. GOTCHA! It is 'playing' at its best. And you tell guys to 'be just yourself' right? Every guys know, when he is pursuing too hard, he will lose the girl. So its not the best tactic to ignore him completely. The smarter guys dont go for girls who are indifferent. Happy puppy....NO. Cold hearted ignoring - playing hard to get....NO. Phone him time to time....YES.
laRubiaBonita Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 UH OH. GOTCHA! It is 'playing' at its best. And you tell guys to 'be just yourself' right? Every guys know, when he is pursuing too hard, he will lose the girl. So its not the best tactic to ignore him completely. The smarter guys dont go for girls who are indifferent. Happy puppy....NO. Cold hearted ignoring - playing hard to get....NO. Phone him time to time....YES. but we chics do not to look needy or desparate either. IMO~ i think maybe a text or email or two each week would be a good start, and call him at least once a week. hopefully he will realize that you care, and that you also respect his space. if he feels like returning the favor, Even better!
amaysngrace Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 but we chics do not want to look needy or desparate either. Correction: Some chicks AREN'T needy or desperate. It's not a game if it's the way you are. Then it's just keeping it real.
laRubiaBonita Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 well i think communication efforts should balanced, especially in a LDR .... call me crazy, but that's just me.
amaysngrace Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 well i think communication efforts should balanced, especially in a LDR .... call me crazy, but that's just me. I've never had a LDR so I'm not quite sure how that works.
My Fair Katie Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 what can i do between now and then to chill out and get him interested? My advice is probably old fashioned and anti-feminist, but I don't give a flying fart. Relax. Take care of you. Schedule a day at the spa, go shoe shopping, buy a new outfit. You'll feel good and relaxed if you feel you appear strong, confident, and sexy. Then, instead of stressing about the visit, you'll be ready and feeling your best.
Author kittenhead Posted December 12, 2006 Author Posted December 12, 2006 thanks for the input! yes--i think balance is the key. we sorta overdosed on the email/texting thing. it was all day long. it was so cool though...but i was worried that it may be too much. i think chiiling out would be really helpful for me. i think if i wonder in my head--should i contact him? -- then that should be a cue for me to "not" do anything. maybe taht's my strategy. and maybe calling once a week or texting a couple times a week would be better. there is just one thing i'm worried about.... for months we've been planning to see each other over the holidays. it turns out---he's coming several days shorter then expected. when we spoke on the phone the other night i asked when we could get together. and he suggested the day before he left. i was a bit taken aback. and asked if he was only going to spend a day with me...he said no...so i let it be. but you know, i called him back after that and asked him to fly on thursday and i would take off on friday. what's going on here? maybe he's nervous? but i mean--this guy probably isn't. he's pretty confident. was i being pushy ...i guess maybe i was if i had to ask...but i wanted us to at least have a chance... well..im not making any more demands...though this isn't really a major demand... i don't knwo.
DanielMadr Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Correction: Some chicks AREN'T needy or desperate. It's not a game if it's the way you are. Then it's just keeping it real. Funny thing is that when you really love someone....you are needy and desperate, dont you think? You then just control your emotions a little bit.....not to intimidate and to give it some spice. Some girls are so afraid to lose control, that they become ice brrrr....not attractive
Author kittenhead Posted December 12, 2006 Author Posted December 12, 2006 lol. yeah-- i want to show him love. not play games, but give him space.
amaysngrace Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Funny thing is that when you really love someone....you are needy and desperate, dont you think? You then just control your emotions a little bit.....not to intimidate and to give it some spice. Some girls are so afraid to lose control, that they become ice brrrr....not attractive Love is a choice and it should not change who you are in the least. If you are with insecure girls who have fear of being changed in a negative way, then maybe you are having a negative effect on them. And they turn a cold shoulder to you.
CaliGuy Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 The best thing you can do when someone pulls away from you is to pull back as well.
Star Gazer Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 The best thing you can do when someone pulls away from you is to pull back as well. I agree... or really, just LET him pull back. This is going to sound soooo silly, but you know that whole "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" book? Well, it's genius in certain respects, one being the difference between men and women when things get intense. Women are like waves, gentle undulations (okay, okay - MOODY) whereas men are like rubber bands. They will pull away, and as long as the other side (the woman) remains stable/stationary and doesn't chase after the guy, he WILL snap back. He will always feel the urge to pull away, and you should expect him to do it on occasion, but each time he will pull away a little less...eventually realizing he's right where he wants to be. But in order for him to realize you're the one he wants, you cannot chase him. You just have to let him pull away, and while he's "away," just do your own thing knowing that he'll either come back confident that you're not a needy/clingy chica, or he won't (in which case you wouldn't want him anyway). Don't question him or make him feel badly about pulling away - it's just the way many men deal with the intensity of a relationship. You have to allow him to go through this period of uncertainty...
CaliGuy Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Dr. Dobson describes men (or women) pulling away as this: Sometimes they feel a little caged in a relationship and need some time away. If you cling to them for dear life, you are essentially closing the walls of the cage and slamming the door shut. So, what will the "caged" person do? Run. Run for dear life to freedom. If you back off, you remove the cage and the person feels "free." Free to love you and come back or free to walk away if they want. When the pressure to "stay" is released they are more likely to come back. If you maintain pressure on them to stay, they'll more than likely run away. It's human nature to run from things (or in this case, people) who will cage us.... I like the rubber band analogy. When I say "pull back as well" I mean don't pursue, chase, beg, pleade, or otherwise try and convince them to stay. Cheers.
Gala Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Yeah, except that sometimes this "rubber band" behavior constitutes a disappearing act. This can be both inconvenient and hurtful...and does not strike me as very mature, kind, or thoughtful behavior. There is no magic bullet to "get back" someone like this. But there's also no reason to put up with thoughtlessness. I had something like this happen a few weeks ago...hence my return to the 'Shack. It sucks that the same chemicals that facilitate women's attraction (e.g,., oxytocin) also make us more attached, and more afraid of abandonment. But as Beyonce says, "To the left!"
Star Gazer Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Dr. Dobson describes men (or women) pulling away as this: Sometimes they feel a little caged in a relationship and need some time away. If you cling to them for dear life, you are essentially closing the walls of the cage and slamming the door shut. So, what will the "caged" person do? Run. Run for dear life to freedom. If you back off, you remove the cage and the person feels "free." Free to love you and come back or free to walk away if they want. When the pressure to "stay" is released they are more likely to come back. If you maintain pressure on them to stay, they'll more than likely run away. It's human nature to run from things (or in this case, people) who will cage us.... I like the rubber band analogy. When I say "pull back as well" I mean don't pursue, chase, beg, pleade, or otherwise try and convince them to stay. Cheers. I like this Dr. Dobson person. Who is s/he?
luvtoto Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Dr. Dobson describes men (or women) pulling away as this: Sometimes they feel a little caged in a relationship and need some time away. If you cling to them for dear life, you are essentially closing the walls of the cage and slamming the door shut. So, what will the "caged" person do? Run. Run for dear life to freedom. If you back off, you remove the cage and the person feels "free." Free to love you and come back or free to walk away if they want. When the pressure to "stay" is released they are more likely to come back. If you maintain pressure on them to stay, they'll more than likely run away. It's human nature to run from things (or in this case, people) who will cage us.... I like the rubber band analogy. When I say "pull back as well" I mean don't pursue, chase, beg, pleade, or otherwise try and convince them to stay. Cheers. Good post, CG! Nobody likes to be caged in. I know I don't.
CaliGuy Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I like this Dr. Dobson person. Who is s/he? Dr. James Dobson (Focus on the Family). FWIW, he is a Christian Psychologist and a darn good one.
CaliGuy Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Good post, CG! Nobody likes to be caged in. I know I don't. Me neither, fo'sho!
chill chic Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Dr. Dobson describes men (or women) pulling away as this: Sometimes they feel a little caged in a relationship and need some time away. If you cling to them for dear life, you are essentially closing the walls of the cage and slamming the door shut. So, what will the "caged" person do? Run. Run for dear life to freedom. If you back off, you remove the cage and the person feels "free." Free to love you and come back or free to walk away if they want. When the pressure to "stay" is released they are more likely to come back. If you maintain pressure on them to stay, they'll more than likely run away. It's human nature to run from things (or in this case, people) who will cage us.... I like the rubber band analogy. When I say "pull back as well" I mean don't pursue, chase, beg, pleade, or otherwise try and convince them to stay. Cheers. you seem to know your stuff what would the guy think if you were making contact on a continued basis, he responded although not as much as (I) did, then I pulled back, with not contact because he wasn't making contact...well anyway what I'm getting at is..what would he think since I drastically cut back my contact with him? Is that the part where they think somethings going on, so they make contact? Just curious, I mean I understand your posts, but would he then start to miss that contact and then initiate contact himself?
DanielMadr Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Love is a choice and it should not change who you are in the least. If you are with insecure girls who have fear of being changed in a negative way, then maybe you are having a negative effect on them. And they turn a cold shoulder to you. Love is not a choice. Im not a robot What does it mean to be changed in negative way? Do you think I cut their hair or what? When girls give me cold shoulders because they are worried they would be seen as interested....bad for them. Im not interested in uptight insecure cold princesses:p
amaysngrace Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Love is not a choice. Im not a robot What does it mean to be changed in negative way? Do you think I cut their hair or what? When girls give me cold shoulders because they are worried they would be seen as interested....bad for them. Im not interested in uptight insecure cold princesses:p Dude you know what? You just don't get it (most likely in MORE ways than ONE ) My mission for the day is not to try to enlighten insultive men who won't get off my butt. IRL, usually the men on my butt are pretty kewl. Cause I wouldn't have it any other way! Ciao!
DanielMadr Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Dude you know what? You just don't get it (most likely in MORE ways than ONE ) My mission for the day is not to try to enlighten insultive men who won't get off my butt. IRL, usually the men on my butt are pretty kewl. Cause I wouldn't have it any other way! Ciao! Im not insultive...I cant...I dont know you afterall. Im just honest. I write what I think. People get mad for the truth...I hope its not your case I would be insultive if I write that based on your posts I think you are stupid, which is not so. You insulted me btw Adios bambino:love:
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