Need Advice

[Joe]

Sometimes when I feel as though things maybe great, things seem to head in the opposite direction than I had hoped for and just end up confusing myself and asking questions. It happens over and over again.

 

For about a month and a half or so I known this girl who at first I thought "ok, this is great perhaps I may have a chance at love". When we first met, I knew she said she could see herself dating a guy like me.

 

I remember the first few times I went over there we would just sit outside and talk and such, I remember I'd hold her as she layed her head on my shoulder and such. Nothing big, but feel it's important to put into the setup of why I'm now on here and here it is a month later and haven't been that close since.

 

I'm an a**h*** to myself for allowing her to use me, I am an idiot and I put myself in the situation of letting her use me. I haven't been with anyone since probably 1996, no dating or anything and now it's to the point I'm so alone and tired of not having anyone that I allowed her to use me just so I can feel love. One thing I learned, money can't buy love.

 

Over the past month I stupidly allowed her to talk me into buying her a ferret which cost $230 and some other misc. She lives outside of town by about 10 miles where fast food doesn't exist. I noticed a theme when it comes to her asking me to come over....

 

Every single time she asks me to come over, she always has me pick her up something to eat. I do so and sometimes she pays me back while other times she doesn't.

 

And now she is already asking me about my next pay check and when I question she says it's because she want's to "borrow" $80 to help start off with a cell phone.

 

I want to think that she likes me, but now I'm at a point where I'm realizing that more than anything she is using me and I'm an idiot for falling for it.

 

She gets mad and cranky about things and it really upsets me. Her car is in the shop so she has a hard time getting around. Last weekend I drove all the way out there to pick her up and take her to work, while driving her to work we was listening to the radio and a song comes on that I didn't like.. well apparently she liked it.

 

I went to change the station and she became a total b**ch about it and practically snapped at me.. in my own car. I did tell her that she didn't have to be a b**ch about it.

 

The other night was at her house, she said something and I just playfully flipped her hair.. she got pissed about that telling me to "never touch my hair without telling me first".

 

Among other things I have been overweight my whole life, I was nearly 300 pounds and lost a lot of weight and down to 210. Even then, I'm still embarassed by my weight and she knows this. A few nights ago I was at her house and was very tired and my back was sorta hurting and I was just laying back and she wanted to show me something and says "get your fat butt up".

 

Last night I was home sleeping, she called and wanted me to come over. When I got there I indicated that I had been asleep and again said something about getting my "fat butt up out of bed".

 

Again, being the person I am I let it go not saying anything but deep down it hurts that she said that to me. She could of been saying it jokingly, I don't know. However, she knows how being overweight affects me.

 

So now I'm in a confused state and don't know what to do. I want to say something, but to be honest I don't know what to say to her or how to say it.

 

Again I put myself in this situation so if anything I am the one to blame here, I should of never allowed her to "con" me the way she has and I am ashamed that I allowed her to do so. I'm sucking in the fact that I fell for her and am now ready and willing to do whatever it takes to put a stop to it.

 

Granted, it may mean losing her and going back to not having anyone and being alone again but I guess when weighed I would rather be single than be used.

 

Please help me, I realize I screwed up and I realize that I was stupid for allowing her to use me and let it go this far and I'm sucking in my pride to admit to that, but now I just need to know what would be the proper thing to do.

 

And of course, she will put up a fight if anything is said. So please, if you have any advice for me I'm willing to listen and would apprecaite it.

[Tony T]

You better get some self esteem and you better get it fast or the whole world will dump all over you.

 

First, you don't have a girlfriend or a companion. You don't have love and you won't get it on the path you're on and with the self-image you have. You won't find a woman on earth who will love you in a romantic way until you love yourself. And nobody who loves themselves will put up with the crap you're putting up with.

 

Stop seeing this chick IMMEDIATELY. Don't EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER call her again. When she calls you to get "your fat ass over to her house" tell her that Tony from the message board said for her to "take a long walk off a short pier" and then hang up on her.

 

This lady has absolutely no respect whatsoever for you and, while I'm at it, let me tell you that respect is far more important than love. Nobody can love someone they don't respect. This sleezebag will use you and abuse you forever unless you just stop all contact. Being alone is far better than subjecting yourself to the kind of abuse she gives out. There is NO hope of anything ever happening with her, NONE at all. She has no respect for you and everytime you kiss her ass, take her crap and remain silent she has even less respect for you.

 

And as far as romance with this gal, she doesn't even want you touching her hair...much less other parts of her body. She just wants you to buy her food, cell phones, and whatever else and SHE WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE YOU ANYTHING IN RETURN...MUCH LESS LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Spend some time shaving off a few more pounds. But it's not really the weight that's your problem now. It's how you think about yourself inside. If you are willing to give up all pride and self respect just to get what you think is a little love and attention from a little shxt who could care less about you, that's an indication of very low self esteem resulting from issues from your past.

 

If you get down to 165 but you don't think more of yourself inside, you will continue to have this problem. From this day forward, resolve that you will NEVER NEVER EVER EVER allow yourself to be taken advantage of or abused again.

 

Go to a bookstore and get some books on self esteem. My guess is that a lot of your weight problems and your willingness to put up with women like this is a result of things that happened in your childhood...that's where most people get their self esteem started.

 

You might even want to consider some counselling to help you get to the root of your weight and self esteem problems.

 

Now, the next time you meet a gal and she starts pulling this stuff, tell her to kiss your butt the first time she gives you a hard time.

 

If you talk to this gal again, much less give her even a dime for a cell phone, don't even bother posting here because I will have you committed!!!

 

I write all of the above out of a deep concern for you and your welfare. There is nothing more in the world I want for you than for you to find true love...but what you have right now in this girl is true shxt. Get away from her now, start thinking more of yourself, and the love will follow soon thereafter.

[Joe]

Tony,

 

Thanks for all your advice. As hard as it is to face it, you're right about me not having a girlfriend or a companion. She's absolutely someone that's just wanting to use me. She doesn't care nor has she ever.

 

As for doing anything else with her, I'm done with her. Tonight with it being the 4th my brother had some of his best friends over and a lot of family over and everyone wanted me to bring this girl with me.

 

I talked to her today and I asked her what she was doing tonight and she said she was doing nothing. I explained to her that my brother was having my family and his wife's family over along with friends for a cookout and to shoot off fireworks and explained to her that I would like for her to go with me.

 

The first time I talked to her she was hesitant saying "I'll feel awkward" and then saying she'd be too tired. I told her fine, I would call her once I got home from work allowing her time to decide, sleep or whatever.

 

I get home, shower and then call and she again says "I'm too tired".. then she says no that she was going to her grandpa's.... thing is her dad had already left to go to her grandpa's and she didn't want to go there.

 

I'm tired of her crap. After all the **** I did for her she won't even do something as simple as attend something with me. Not only was I pissed, but hurt deeply.

 

Next time I talk to her I'm going to tell her to kiss my ass and not to bother with calling me again. I'm too good for her **** and too good to put up with that crap.. I'm better than that and I don't deserve to be treated like that and I'll be damn if I'm going to sit here any longer allowing that goddamn b***h to take control of my heart and mind only to use me and hurt me.

 

I'm done with her!

[Joe]

Ok, so here's an update. Last night I told her that her and I needed to talk so I went to her house and we had a long talk just about everything.

 

We talked about everything and I think a lot of the issues were resolved.

 

I need some other advice though. I guess the other reason I try to be nice to her and not yell and get mad at her, and something I left out but maybe now can get advice on, is because her dad is verbally abusive to her and I mean bad!

 

I was over there today and he just started screaming at her at the top of his lungs.. we was upstairs in her room and he was standing downstairs at the bottom of the steps and was just screaming at he violently hitting the steps with his hands and such.

 

It's not the first incident either. A while back he, I guess, was chasing her and she ran upstairs and tripped and hurt her ankle fairly bad. He always makes her cry and never really saw that until today when he did that. I've seen notes he would leave her that called her an a**h*** and such.

 

I don't know what to do, this guy is a bomb about ready to go off and apparently he's always been like that and I'm scared he's gonna hurt her physically.

 

What can I do? What do I say to her? serierously I've never been in such a situation like that and have no clue on how to react or I have no clue what to say to her..

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "What can I do? What do I say to her? serierously I've never been in such a situation like that and have no clue on how to react or I have no clue what to say to her.."

 

You get her the phone number of the authorities to report her father to if she's under 18. If not, you advise her on where shelters are so she can move away from her home. You also find out where she can get low cost counselling to help her heal from the ordeals she has encountered with her father since birth.

 

Then you get out of her life. She comes from a highly abusive and dysfunctional family and until she heals from that, in about five to ten years possibly, she MIGHT be ready to get involved in a healthy relationship with somebody.

 

I don't care how much you love her, she will not make a good companion for you at all until she gets her head screwed on right. Yes, you're saying to yourself right now that I'm full of crap and that you're going to come to her rescue. OK, fine. Do so and you'll be lining yourself up for some of the biggest pain, hurt and chaos you've ever experienced in your life.

 

Life is way too full of challenges to buy into a dysfunctional situation that will take years to resolve. Now if you're into self-destruction, knock yourself out.

 

When you meet somebody who's got more problems than you do, kindly step out of their lives and walk softly onto new and more life-enriching experiences.

 

Godspeed, Joe!!!