NC then start up again??

[Can'tGiveUp]

One of the other threads got me thinking about this...

 

Is there anyone that has had a long period of NC, then started up again?

 

In my case, MM and I were both separated when we met and were together for about 10 months. W asked him to try again and he took the opportunity (at the time mostly for his kids but also to ensure that he did everything in his power to keep his family intact). After 18 months of essentially NC, we connected again and actually talked about how we were feeling. We then found ourselves incapable or unwilling to end our friendship and began our A.

 

During the time we were apart he was in MC and IC. He struggled with renewing our relationship again but...

 

So, the question was:

 

Is there anyone that has had a long period of NC, then started up again?

[Guest]

I found myself in your situation as have many on this forum.

Over the past 10 years I have had about 5 significant periods of NC and on only one of those occasions did he make the first move to resume contact. Three times I "accidentally" bumped into him and the other occasion was a genuine coincidence of bumping into each other.

 

Let me tell you that he was happy enough to resume but nothing had changed. I thought some time apart might make him miss me and want a full time relationship with me. After the first NC, when he called after 8 months apart, he said he would like to meet me but that he couldn't stay long! I was such a mug to go back for more.

 

So I think that if you stop NC then you should be prepared for the Affair to trundle along in the same unsatisfactory fashion and you will be sucked back in to all the cancelled dates, waiting for the phone, listening for some change in his voice etc.

Even if he calls you it does not mean that he has suddenly decided he wants to commit to you. You should hold out for what you want and not have communication until you know he is ready to leave the wife. If I had done this 6 years ago then I would have saved myself alot of wasted years.

 

Hope it goes well for you but just remember, that if you continue the Affair and are fairly compliant with his needs, then he has little incentive to leave the marriage and he can maintain the family unit (although it is a fraud), keep his friends and imoportantly not upset his children no matter what age they are. Don't forget that if he should leave, he can only count on you for support as he does not know the reaction of his family and friends but they are hardly likely to pat him on the back.

So it is a major decision for him but whilst he is having the affair with you he really is having the best of both worlds and you are having the worst of all worlds.

[Freedom Now]

He has tried to rekindle things after several periods of NC. And we would have started up again if I had allowed it.

 

I didn't.

 

He is getting none of me.

 

I deserve better.

 

FN

[frannie]

We have had two periods of NC, neither of them as long as yours. The second one was something over 4 months long. I broke it both times. We've always been working towards him leaving, but it's seemed more and less likely at different times during the affair (over 2 years), and I've been able and less able to cope with the waiting, hence the NC (for my sanity!).

 

When I got back in touch with him last time to see how leaving was going, it wasn't. Despite that I decided to see if I could see him and not put pressure on him to leave, but after a few months I was back to feeling I couldn't do it. So, he's said that he will definitely leave now, because missing me for the entire summer was too hard.

 

Of course at this point I have no idea how it will work out, and I'm well prepared for him not to find the strength. If that happens, the next NC will be the last one, because I just can't do this again. I love him, but I feel that this is not doing any of us any good.

 

The last NC I did actually taught me that I can live without him, and get over him, and I'm not afraid of that at all. I just had to give it another try. I think there was still some 'getting to know you' to be done between us... in both directions. So getting back in touch with him was as useful as the NC.

[Guest]

Let me tell you a bit more to encourage you to maintain NC.

 

My MM never buys me presents and he only discussed Xmas lunch this year when I suggested it and seemed surprised that I wanted to go out.

He spends a day with me from about 10.am until 4.30 pm when I take time off work--he is semi retired. Just lately, I have been getting the vibes that either his wife is onto him or he wants to back off because it is all getting a bit much for him. I haven't really put pressure on him but the signs are there--eg. phoning but not making arrangements to meet up. He phones on average about once every 8 days which is a poor show. When he left me last time he said "I'll see if I can see you for 5 minutes one evening later this week but if not then definitely the following week" How humiliating is that. And he never followed through on either "offer"--just a phone call as if nothing was wrong.

 

Then yesterday he calls to say we should meet next Monday and I said that yes and we needed to talk. Well his attitude changed and I told him that if he didn't want to talk then we shouldn't meet. However he said he did want to meet but you know I think that was just to keep me sweet and he won't call.

 

In the afternoon yesterday Ibumped into him in a shop and he said he was busy shopping but that he would phone me today. Well he hasn't .

Anyone got any views on where this man is coming from, and more to the point should I go NC and ditch him?

 

Thanks,

[Freedom Now]

Go NC and ditch him.

 

For if you dump HIM, you will regain some power and that will help you in the weeks ahead. Make the move first.

 

Take control back.

 

All my best.

[ratingsguy]

I agree with FN, you have to go NC with your MM yesterday, Guest. It sounds to me like he may be juggling a few OWs in addition to yourself. In my situation, just like in any other MM/OW or MW/OM situation, I'm resigned to the fact that time spent together will be limited because of my MW's obligations. But it sounds like what you're going through is ridiculous. FIVE MINUTES is all the time he has for you? That's not humiliating, that's insulting! It takes work, but my MW makes time for me because she does care about me and the relationship that we've built together. But your MM is using you as his play toy. I could be wrong, but that's the impression I get. I'm all for NC in your case.

[Guest]

Thanks fn and ratingsguy--good sound advice.

 

However if he doesn't contact me on Monday I have lost teh control.

Still it will just confirm to me that it is well and truly over and as he is a control freak he will like to have the upper hand so that it becomes HIS decision.

Still does it really matter--the end is the end.

 

What really did it for me was him not phoning yesterday as he said he would (I know he is avoiding contact because he doesn't want the showdown) and he could have made time after his shopping spree to talk but again he did the "I will phone you fob off". So he will not give me the closure by a face to face meeting.

[Guest]

Can anyone shed any light on why my MM didn't phone when I said that I wanted a serious talk with him.

He phoned me to arrange to meet up and his response was "Oh so it's the season for it is it?" when I said I wanted a talk. I got cross and said "Well if you don't want to talk, then don't bother meeting up". He said "NO that's OK we will meet definitely and I'll call you Monday and possibly earlier".

Well neither of these things have happened. I wanted to get closure so why doesn't he gice me the opportunity to discuss matters and then make my decision.

Is it all part of his control game?

I would like to get a man's perspective on this as well as a woman's perspective because I am having great difficulty in getting inside his head!

[frannie]

Can anyone shed any light on why my MM didn't phone when I said that I wanted a serious talk with him.

He phoned me to arrange to meet up and his response was "Oh so it's the season for it is it?" when I said I wanted a talk. I got cross and said "Well if you don't want to talk, then don't bother meeting up". He said "NO that's OK we will meet definitely and I'll call you Monday and possibly earlier".

Well neither of these things have happened. I wanted to get closure so why doesn't he gice me the opportunity to discuss matters and then make my decision.

Is it all part of his control game?

I would like to get a man's perspective on this as well as a woman's perspective because I am having great difficulty in getting inside his head!

 

guest, I'm not sure who you are, or whether you've given your story before, so... 'control issues'... I don't know about his personality, so who can say if he has issues like that..? All I can say is... any man might run a mile if you talk about "serious talks"... especially one who wasn't serious about being with you or making a future with you.

[pureinheart]

Oh yes CGU....several times....never more than 2 months though, he broke the NC and I would get sucked back in. I knew I would have to be the one to totally break it off.

 

What was he loosing....nothing, he knew his W wouldn't leave him...he just waits for the dust to settle and then it's business as usual again. You know, am angry right now about that because I was the one that lost sooooo much....

 

Just venting a little CGU concerning the friendship issue....well it's used to be an issue with me....he would always refer to us as friends, we were far beyond that and it hurt that he minimized our relationship. He would also use the friendship thing to suck me back in.

 

In all fareness to exMM, he held friendship in the highest regards, but I mean how could we remain the true meaning of friendship when the feelings were what they were (whatever that was, it wasn't love that is for sure).

 

Man, CGU....I remember the broken NC days, it was like going through withdrawl....I wanted him to break the NC just to ease the pain....

[pureinheart]

Can anyone shed any light on why my MM didn't phone when I said that I wanted a serious talk with him.

He phoned me to arrange to meet up and his response was "Oh so it's the season for it is it?" when I said I wanted a talk. I got cross and said "Well if you don't want to talk, then don't bother meeting up". He said "NO that's OK we will meet definitely and I'll call you Monday and possibly earlier".

Well neither of these things have happened. I wanted to get closure so why doesn't he gice me the opportunity to discuss matters and then make my decision.

Is it all part of his control game?

I would like to get a man's perspective on this as well as a woman's perspective because I am having great difficulty in getting inside his head!

 

The OW is always on the sidelines dealing with "whims" of MM....this is more than a control issue....this is verbal and mental cruelty...better to have no one than this....my prayers are with you and hope you register and keep posting.....

[Can'tGiveUp]

Oh yes CGU....several times....never more than 2 months though, he broke the NC and I would get sucked back in. I knew I would have to be the one to totally break it off.

 

What was he loosing....nothing, he knew his W wouldn't leave him...he just waits for the dust to settle and then it's business as usual again. You know, am angry right now about that because I was the one that lost sooooo much....

 

Just venting a little CGU concerning the friendship issue....well it's used to be an issue with me....he would always refer to us as friends, we were far beyond that and it hurt that he minimized our relationship. He would also use the friendship thing to suck me back in.

 

In all fareness to exMM, he held friendship in the highest regards, but I mean how could we remain the true meaning of friendship when the feelings were what they were (whatever that was, it wasn't love that is for sure).

 

Man, CGU....I remember the broken NC days, it was like going through withdrawl....I wanted him to break the NC just to ease the pain....

 

 

Well today we are at NC again. We can't be just friends and now W senses things are amiss. So we are off. Hurts incredibly, but not unexpected. Tough days ahead.

[GreenEyedLady]

Well today we are at NC again. We can't be just friends and now W senses things are amiss. So we are off. Hurts incredibly' date=' but not unexpected. Tough days ahead.[/quote']

 

Sorry to hear that you are hurting...here's to things getting better for you...

[pureinheart]

Soooo so sorry this is happening at this time of year to you....well if this is any consolation...just be glad you are not dealing with crazy people....

[puddleofmud]

Hoping you are doing well? Stay in touch and am very sorry you are having to deal with this during the holidays.

We've all dealt with many tuff days and know how it feels.

Hugs to you!

 

Well today we are at NC again. We can't be just friends and now W senses things are amiss. So we are off. Hurts incredibly' date=' but not unexpected. Tough days ahead.[/quote']

[Can'tGiveUp]

Sorry to hear that you are hurting...here's to things getting better for you...

 

Soooo so sorry this is happening at this time of year to you....well if this is any consolation...just be glad you are not dealing with crazy people....

 

Hoping you are doing well? Stay in touch and am very sorry you are having to deal with this during the holidays.

We've all dealt with many tuff days and know how it feels.

Hugs to you!

 

Thank you ladies... Doesn't seem to matter how much you know it's going to happen, it still hurts. Apparently BW is completely cracking up. I think I'd rather be me than him at this point. I only have to make it another day and I have some solitude and can wallow in self pity with my wine and some chocolate.

 

At least I said everything I wanted to...whether he wanted to hear it or not. Just wish I could be angry at him. I think that would make it all easier.

[puddleofmud]

Go ahead and have a good wallow! Drink ye the wine and eat ye the chocolate!

[lovernotafighter]

Thank you ladies... Doesn't seem to matter how much you know it's going to happen, it still hurts. Apparently BW is completely cracking up. I think I'd rather be me than him at this point. I only have to make it another day and I have some solitude and can wallow in self pity with my wine and some chocolate.

 

At least I said everything I wanted to...whether he wanted to hear it or not. Just wish I could be angry at him. I think that would make it all easier.

 

I totally know how you feel...I broke NC for him when I heard his wife was was on the verge of death, big mistake..well we resumed NC till he broke it and begged me to be his friend.

 

but see like you said, until he made me mad, i really was heartbroken and would have welcomed this so much.

 

however when his wife was in the burn unit and in fear of her life, he was at work then running to bar..it made me sick and now i don't even know this man...he basically told me a week or 2 ago that he cared when that happened to his wife but like he would for acquittance...he told me he was still in love with me and is highly emotional and jealous...I left work and vomited..he made me feel like his actions were my fault because he loves me..

 

now I still avoid him and he is going nuts...I'm starting to really hate him for what he's done and it helps a fricken lot

[Guest]

Frannie, So you think I made mistake in telling the guy that I wanted a "serious talk" when he phoned to arrange to meet up?

Even after several years of having an A with him? Is it all about tactics then--just curious.

 

I am interested in the stories of any OW whose MM have left or are in the process of leaving their Ws. Did you all have to go NC for a while--I hate the idea of ultimatums.

 

Surely you must have all had a "serious talk" with your MM at some stage. Did you find that you always had to initiate such conversations and the MM responded. Did your MM ever pull away for a while in response and go NC with you?

 

Surely if they really wanted a R with you they would be the ones initiating the suggestion, or are they all content to continue with the A (cake eaters) until the OW injects a dose of reality (ie. I am not prepared to be the OW for ever and a day).

 

Did your MM call you more than once a week when things were going well? If he hadn't what would you read into that?

I really am curious as I am having trouble getting my head around my situation.

[GreenEyedLady]

Frannie, So you think I made mistake in telling the guy that I wanted a "serious talk" when he phoned to arrange to meet up?

Even after several years of having an A with him? Is it all about tactics then--just curious.

 

I am interested in the stories of any OW whose MM have left or are in the process of leaving their Ws. Did you all have to go NC for a while--I hate the idea of ultimatums.

 

Surely you must have all had a "serious talk" with your MM at some stage. Did you find that you always had to initiate such conversations and the MM responded. Did your MM ever pull away for a while in response and go NC with you?

 

Surely if they really wanted a R with you they would be the ones initiating the suggestion, or are they all content to continue with the A (cake eaters) until the OW injects a dose of reality (ie. I am not prepared to be the OW for ever and a day).

 

Did your MM call you more than once a week when things were going well? If he hadn't what would you read into that?

I really am curious as I am having trouble getting my head around my situation.

 

Mine never phones to "meet up"...we're in a R, we go out and do things...

 

I haven't done NC and I don't like ultimatums...

 

I pretty much talk to mine every day, a couple times a day...NO WAY would I be ok with a once a week phone call...If he didn't call me often, I would assume it was a "just sex" thing to him...

 

Some of your other questions I'm not sure how to answer...Everyone can speculate about what someone else thinks, but who really knows? All you know is how you feel...

[oyster]

Mine never phones to "meet up"...we're in a R, we go out and do things...

 

I haven't done NC and I don't like ultimatums...

 

I pretty much talk to mine every day, a couple times a day...NO WAY would I be ok with a once a week phone call...If he didn't call me often, I would assume it was a "just sex" thing to him...

...

 

GreenEyedLady, you are so lucky, No NC, no ultimatums, enjoy the moment.

[Freedom Now]

It has been ten months since we have seen each other's faces....two and half months of total and complete NC....

 

He called to tell me that he loves me and always will....that he is so sorry for all the pain he has put me and my family through.... that he never EVER wants to hurt me again....that he thinks about me always....

 

and that he would like to see me "one last time..." to talk about everything we have been through and to see each others' faces. He just kept saying that he wants to see me but that he is afraid of what it would do to us...feelings re-erupting, pain starting again, hurting me again, the deceit....but he admitted that he is tempted. Very tempted.

 

And for a moment, it all came back to me. The pain, the love, the heartache, the incredible highs and the incredible lows, the betrayal....everything. But I felt no anger. Just relief. It is over. In my mind, it is over.

 

So, I respectfully declined his invitation.

 

And I am okay. It is thrilling to be able to say that.

 

I am okay.

[frannie]

Frannie, So you think I made mistake in telling the guy that I wanted a "serious talk" when he phoned to arrange to meet up?

Even after several years of having an A with him? Is it all about tactics then--just curious.

 

I am interested in the stories of any OW whose MM have left or are in the process of leaving their Ws. Did you all have to go NC for a while--I hate the idea of ultimatums.

 

Surely you must have all had a "serious talk" with your MM at some stage. Did you find that you always had to initiate such conversations and the MM responded. Did your MM ever pull away for a while in response and go NC with you?

 

Surely if they really wanted a R with you they would be the ones initiating the suggestion, or are they all content to continue with the A (cake eaters) until the OW injects a dose of reality (ie. I am not prepared to be the OW for ever and a day).

 

Did your MM call you more than once a week when things were going well? If he hadn't what would you read into that?

I really am curious as I am having trouble getting my head around my situation.

 

Oh no, I don't think it was a mistake at all! I was just commenting on his behaviour and why he might not have called back. I absolutely have had a TON of 'serious conversations' with my MM over the years... we're having another one tonight when he gets here.

 

I don't think ultimatums work either.

 

Sorry, I'll get back to the thread when I'm feeling more on top of things.

[frannie]

Frannie, So you think I made mistake in telling the guy that I wanted a "serious talk" when he phoned to arrange to meet up?

Even after several years of having an A with him? Is it all about tactics then--just curious.

 

No, I'm all in favour of having the 'serious talks' as often as it seems reasonable. Perhaps I wouldn't have flagged it up ahead of time, though, but picked my moment when we were together. I don't know about your MM, mine is OK even with me saying 'we need to have the talk' anytime, but not everyone reacts the same way.

 

"I am interested in the stories of any OW whose MM have left or are in the process of leaving their Ws. Did you all have to go NC for a while--I hate the idea of ultimatums."

 

There used to be a poster on here called Old Europe: you can do a search for her posts. She was a big advocate of NC as a way to see if he's really interested. She went NC on her MM several times, and the last time she did it he left his W, and OE and he got married sometime later. Her posts are really great in general, and especially on 'taking no sh*t as the OW' and going NC.

 

"Surely you must have all had a "serious talk" with your MM at some stage. Did you find that you always had to initiate such conversations and the MM responded. Did your MM ever pull away for a while in response and go NC with you?"

 

Yes, we've had several. Quite possibly hundreds . I'm usually the one to initiate them, but not always. He knows me pretty well by now, and he can see if I'm feeling the need to have a talk, so he just asks what's up and we get on with it. It's really just for me to see where his head's at on the question of leaving, etc... I've found that there's no real point in my pushing an agenda. After 3 years my opinion is that if I can't deal with the situation, I'm the one who backs off, because pushing someone to end a marriage is a pointless exercise.

 

No, he's never backed off from the conversations.

 

"Surely if they really wanted a R with you they would be the ones initiating the suggestion, or are they all content to continue with the A (cake eaters) until the OW injects a dose of reality (ie. I am not prepared to be the OW for ever and a day)."

 

I tend to agree with you here. I WISH he would do more of the initiating, be proactive with the suggestions of leaving! What a great day that would have been. But let's be realistic... men are never in a great hurry to leave a marriage. That's just the way of things.

 

I very much doubt that many men in affairs would leave their marriages if the OW was happy with the situation. BUT I have read of situations where this has happened. Ironically it's the happiest OW whose MM leaves his marriage with little or no warning. I can only put that down to this: if the OW is constantly bugging him and pressing him to make a decision and leave, he's going to dig his heels in. But that's just my theory.

 

"Did your MM call you more than once a week when things were going well? If he hadn't what would you read into that?

I really am curious as I am having trouble getting my head around my situation."

 

Apart from weekends, when he gets rare time away from family (and I wouldn't want it any other way!) he calls two or three times a day. Each affair is different in that regard, I think.

 

I went NC with my MM for most of the summer, and at the end of it nothing whatever had happened regarding his leaving, even though he SAID that is what he was going to do. Old Europe has a different story to tell: her MM responded to NC. People are different. I got back together with my MM in September, and he's now at the point of telling his W he wants a separation. None of my NCs did anything in terms of getting him to that point, and it's only now that I've relaxed and stopped bugging him about leaving that he's actually come round to that point.

 

I think the NC affected him in that he missed me and he doesn't want a life without me. But overall I think the main factor in him leaving (if he does!) is time: we've known each other for almost three years now, and looking back, I can't imagine why I thought he might leave when we really didn't know each other that well. At the time it felt like we did, but in retrospect, it would have been much too soon.

 

eta: I think NC should be undertaken because you, the OW, needs space away from the relationship or to end it. I don't think it's a great way to get MM to do anything. In general I think that if you've got to use tactics like that the relationship really isn't a good one anyway. Either he leaves or he doesn't on HIS terms. Emotional manipulation is never a great plan in my book.