Keeping Infidelity a secret is the easy way out

[shakenandstirred]

I've read many posts and I see that a lot of the posters tend to want to keep the affair a secret and try to improve the marriage or relationship. That's like sprinkling your mattress with jagged glass, putting a sheet over it, then sleeping on it. Marriages today seem to no longer be sacred. Affairs pop up left and right and the unsuspecting spouse is left in the dark while the spouse having the affair is lost in the throes of the high caused by the fact they are finding satisfaction elsewhere. Feeling guilty about it, yet finding themselves drawn to it like a crack addict looking for a fix. And like the crack addict, their slowly ruining their lives. I'm not being judgemental, just stating a fact. Sure there are going to be people you find more attractive than you're spouse, but love has a way of making you blind to that. People may think that they can hold something in that may be damaging to the other person, truth is the person holding the secret is damaging both themselves and their spouse. If you decided to go outside your relationship to satisfy you're urges and keep it a secret, you're lying to yourself and to your spouse. You're relationship starts new at that point, new because it's based on a lie. If you got married you did it for better or worse.You also made vows of honesty and loyalty.If you want your marriage or relationship, fight for it. If you look like a bad person for admitting you did something wrong then so be it. It's what you reap when you commit a selfish act such as having an affair,but you become a coward by keeping it a secret. You don't want to deal with the backlash you might receive, but was that on your mind at the moment you were having a climax? Keeping infidelity a secret is just the easy way out.

 

Just something that was on my mind

[Madeamistake]

Im with everything you said! Coming from a relationship whereby I had a one night stand. It ruined everything! I still mourn it deep in my soul! But I believe I did the best given the circumsatnces. First off by coming clean, secondly by my efforts to regain trust and thirdly, by walking away knowing that I did what I could to the best of my ability!

 

I take the relationship that I once had as life! It was healthy, maybe 70%. It got seriuosly ill from food poisoning (infidelity), tried to recover but lost hope and died!

 

I will take the next like a child! I will work hard with my next partner to constantly nurture it, overcome obstacles through communication, take preventative measures to the best of my knowledge to keep it healthy. May next time it will be +90% healthy. I want the next one to stand against all odds. I believe I can cause with all the events that have occured, I have become a stronger, better person and I have learnt that even though honesty may not be regarded as the best policy, I will stand by it!

[silentalways]

explain to me who did what u are saying

 

the man or the woman in this tale u speak of

[silentalways]

ok

for the record

i have done this for far too long

this has nothing to do with communication

this is manipulation and control and disrepect

the posts make u sense in any way

vague stuff

that i have been sorting thru

 

i am know convined that this is not how i thought

i hate nc

going home

i've been made a fool again

the one i was hoping is probably at work righty now

 

ok ineternet time for me iks ov ert

[Crimson107]

Keeping infidelity a secret is just the easy way out.

 

Just something that was on my mind

 

Good read. True on many levels. I had to confess my sins. I am half the man I used to be because of it. We are thankfully working things out. But it's like a beautiful vase that got broken and glued back together. It may be a beautiful vase but you can see all the cracks. It still gets rough sometimes but I know I love my wife. I was stupid and I hope I can keep loving her forever. It is a terrible way to renew vowels. . .

[shakenandstirred]

Im with everything you said! Coming from a relationship whereby I had a one night stand. It ruined everything! I still mourn it deep in my soul! But I believe I did the best given the circumsatnces. First off by coming clean, secondly by my efforts to regain trust and thirdly, by walking away knowing that I did what I could to the best of my ability!

 

I take the relationship that I once had as life! It was healthy, maybe 70%. It got seriuosly ill from food poisoning (infidelity), tried to recover but lost hope and died!

 

I will take the next like a child! I will work hard with my next partner to constantly nurture it, overcome obstacles through communication, take preventative measures to the best of my knowledge to keep it healthy. May next time it will be +90% healthy. I want the next one to stand against all odds. I believe I can cause with all the events that have occured, I have become a stronger, better person and I have learnt that even though honesty may not be regarded as the best policy, I will stand by it!

 

Its true that relationships need nurturing. Once infidelity comes in the once whole relationship becomes broken and less than it use to be. I agree with you for how you are going to approach your next relationship. It's good to see that people do learn from their mistakes.

Thank you for reading this post:D

[shakenandstirred]

Good read. True on many levels. I had to confess my sins. I am half the man I used to be because of it. We are thankfully working things out. But it's like a beautiful vase that got broken and glued back together. It may be a beautiful vase but you can see all the cracks. It still gets rough sometimes but I know I love my wife. I was stupid and I hope I can keep loving her forever. It is a terrible way to renew vowels. . .

Thank you Crimson for reading my post. It's bad to have to try and repair something you know you are responsible for, knowing what damage was caused. You may have to look at the cracked vase now, but in time a new vase will appear and replace the old broken one. Keep doing what you are doing and your relationship will feel new once more.

[shakenandstirred]

explain to me who did what u are saying

 

the man or the woman in this tale u speak of

 

This is just a statement. there is no particular person I'm speaking of

[BeenAround_N_Back]

shakenandstirred, I totally agree with what you said, especially the "I've read many posts and I see that a lot of the posters tend to want to keep the affair a secret and try to improve the marriage or relationship. That's like sprinkling your mattress with jagged glass, putting a sheet over it, then sleeping on it." part!!!

[Rooster_DAR]

Im with everything you said! Coming from a relationship whereby I had a one night stand. It ruined everything! I still mourn it deep in my soul! But I believe I did the best given the circumsatnces. First off by coming clean, secondly by my efforts to regain trust and thirdly, by walking away knowing that I did what I could to the best of my ability!

 

I take the relationship that I once had as life! It was healthy, maybe 70%. It got seriuosly ill from food poisoning (infidelity), tried to recover but lost hope and died!

 

I will take the next like a child! I will work hard with my next partner to constantly nurture it, overcome obstacles through communication, take preventative measures to the best of my knowledge to keep it healthy. May next time it will be +90% healthy. I want the next one to stand against all odds. I believe I can cause with all the events that have occured, I have become a stronger, better person and I have learnt that even though honesty may not be regarded as the best policy, I will stand by it!

 

Reading your posts you are a true person of integrity, and you accepted responsibility for what transpired. This takes a person with great integrity and lack of selfishness to be able to understand this and make a change in yourself. Your posts should be the "Holy Grail" for people who have had or contemplated affairs. If your EX could only read this, I'm sure he/she would probably at least forgive you if not be back in your life somehow, I certainly would.

 

Excellent!

[shakenandstirred]

shakenandstirred, I totally agree with what you said, especially the "I've read many posts and I see that a lot of the posters tend to want to keep the affair a secret and try to improve the marriage or relationship. That's like sprinkling your mattress with jagged glass, putting a sheet over it, then sleeping on it." part!!!

 

Thank you BANB, I was just emphasizing the point that keeping it a secret still hurts. Even if you hide it, the pain still lies underneath.

[Madeamistake]

Its true that relationships need nurturing. Once infidelity comes in the once whole relationship becomes broken and less than it use to be. I agree with you for how you are going to approach your next relationship. It's good to see that people do learn from their mistakes.

Thank you for reading this post:D

 

Thank you Shakenandstirred.

 

I must say I have learnt a lot from my act of infidelity.

 

One thing I must say is that mistakes of this magnitude should only happen once in a life time if not at all. That is why I dont understand those who cheat, get caught/confess, are truly forgiven and return to repeating it the same thing all over again. That is just plain wrong!

[Madeamistake]

Reading your posts you are a true person of integrity, and you accepted responsibility for what transpired. This takes a person with great integrity and lack of selfishness to be able to understand this and make a change in yourself. Your posts should be the "Holy Grail" for people who have had or contemplated affairs. If your EX could only read this, I'm sure he/she would probably at least forgive you if not be back in your life somehow, I certainly would.

 

Excellent!

 

WOW!

 

Rooster, you just blew my mind away with your comments! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

To be honest, I think we all post on this site to help each other as well as those who are thinking of having affairs, to understand the havoc that infidelity causes. I for one have found this site and its posts to be a form of counsel for myself (Besides the I.C that I go to)!

 

Its amazing what you say about forgiveness, cause my ex and I are talking again. She realized that with all the drama that we went through, she actually still loves me and wants to try and work things out. We are taking things slowly though (As she is on holiday visiting family). We actually discovered the moment/event when things started to do wrong in the relationship! I will post it here if none of you mind at all (rather quite interesting to see where our problems started).

[FlyingHigh]

Shakenandstirred,

 

You nailed it! Can't disagree w/ya!!!

 

Of course, there are still cheaters out there, like my stbxh who NEVER get it!!!! He and so many others are out in la-la land thinking that the world ought to revolve around them!! But they're the first to squak when they've been wronged! :D

 

Cheating IS a conscious decision that is down right selfish, immature and insecure. No wonder cheaters are quick to blame others, their spouse for their miseries and misfortune. And when their consciences hits them, they dilly dally whether or not to confess their misdeeds to their betrayed spouse. Yep, they seem to have their own set of rules that doesn't include HONESTY, don't they?

[shakenandstirred]

Thank you Shakenandstirred.

 

I must say I have learnt a lot from my act of infidelity.

 

One thing I must say is that mistakes of this magnitude should only happen once in a life time if not at all. That is why I dont understand those who cheat, get caught/confess, are truly forgiven and return to repeating it the same thing all over again. That is just plain wrong!

 

You are welcome MAM,

It is plain wrong to continue to cheat once you've been caught, be forgiven, then do it all over again. Those are the ones who are sorry they got caught, not for the act of cheating.You do deserve Kudos for your acts of reparation toward your relationship. Good for you. Much luck in the future.

[shakenandstirred]

Shakenandstirred,

 

You nailed it! Can't disagree w/ya!!!

 

Of course, there are still cheaters out there, like my stbxh who NEVER get it!!!! He and so many others are out in la-la land thinking that the world ought to revolve around them!! But they're the first to squak when they've been wronged! :D

 

Cheating IS a conscious decision that is down right selfish, immature and insecure. No wonder cheaters are quick to blame others, their spouse for their miseries and misfortune. And when their consciences hits them, they dilly dally whether or not to confess their misdeeds to their betrayed spouse. Yep, they seem to have their own set of rules that doesn't include HONESTY, don't they?

 

Yes they do have their own rules because they are just plain selfish. Thinking of themselves and not who they are hurting. I agree with you about the immaturity. Its like being a little kid and always trying to get what you want, regardless of the pain that will cause.

Thank you for your post

[InaPanic]

I didn't get caught & then confess but I did struggle for weeks re: whether I should tell him or not. No one believes it but it did have a lot to do with not wanting to cause him any pain. But the simple fact is that I was dying inside & I truly believe if I hadn't confessed that our marriage was doomed for sure because it was eating at me like a cancer & it was causing more of a distance to come between us because I was avoiding him due to the guilt.

 

I'm sure some people are capable of moving on & burying what they did deep down, I wasn't one of them.

 

Of course the affair has caused things to be seriously broken. They will never be the same & I live with the guilt of that every single day of my life. I live with hating myself & feeling I'm not worthy of anything I have every single day. But I also know that if I can't move past this our marriage may be doomed even though he has forgiven me.

 

Yeah, wish I could give words of advice to anyone thinking of getting into an affair. Wish I could explain to them how it has changed everything but most of all it has changed me & I don't like the person I feel like I became & there ain't NO going back.

 

The original topic tho, of keeping it a secret being 'easy'...it wasn't easy for me at all. Being honest is difficult that's for sure, fessing up & taking responsibility for what I did was much easier than keeping that horrible secret inside of my head & my heart. I actually feel sympathy if there are people out there trying to live like I was before I told him. It's a lonely & miserable place if you let yourself feel it.

[Sup]

How's everything going Iap? Do you have an update?

[Rooster_DAR]

Of course the affair has caused things to be seriously broken. They will never be the same & I live with the guilt of that every single day of my life. I live with hating myself & feeling I'm not worthy of anything I have every single day. But I also know that if I can't move past this our marriage may be doomed even though he has forgiven me.

 

I hope you guys move past this, I think you are a great person by what I'm reading. There comes a time I believe when you should stop beating yourself up about this, you made a mistake and deeply regretted it, now it's time to move on. I have lost my last three (2 marriages, 1 LTR) to infedelity on their part, and I should be a walking mysoginistic nightmare. I too can forgive cheating, but I have to see the person that's cheating understanding, taking responsibility, and regretting what they have done. After that, it takes rebuilding trust and open communication from there on out.

 

Cheers!

[goodfriendeva]

Im with everything you said! Coming from a relationship whereby I had a one night stand. It ruined everything! I still mourn it deep in my soul! But I believe I did the best given the circumsatnces. First off by coming clean, secondly by my efforts to regain trust and thirdly, by walking away knowing that I did what I could to the best of my ability!

 

I take the relationship that I once had as life! It was healthy, maybe 70%. It got seriuosly ill from food poisoning (infidelity), tried to recover but lost hope and died!

 

I will take the next like a child! I will work hard with my next partner to constantly nurture it, overcome obstacles through communication, take preventative measures to the best of my knowledge to keep it healthy. May next time it will be +90% healthy. I want the next one to stand against all odds. I believe I can cause with all the events that have occured, I have become a stronger, better person and I have learnt that even though honesty may not be regarded as the best policy, I will stand by it!

 

 

completely agree with you...

 

thing is i think everyone starting out agrees with this.. idk what draws people to cheat..and the responses you hear are always excuses for it.. to justify it.

[FlyingHigh]

I didn't get caught & then confess but I did struggle for weeks re: whether I should tell him or not. No one believes it but it did have a lot to do with not wanting to cause him any pain. But the simple fact is that I was dying inside & I truly believe if I hadn't confessed that our marriage was doomed for sure because it was eating at me like a cancer & it was causing more of a distance to come between us because I was avoiding him due to the guilt.

 

I'm sure some people are capable of moving on & burying what they did deep down, I wasn't one of them.

 

Of course the affair has caused things to be seriously broken. They will never be the same & I live with the guilt of that every single day of my life. I live with hating myself & feeling I'm not worthy of anything I have every single day. But I also know that if I can't move past this our marriage may be doomed even though he has forgiven me.

 

Yeah, wish I could give words of advice to anyone thinking of getting into an affair. Wish I could explain to them how it has changed everything but most of all it has changed me & I don't like the person I feel like I became & there ain't NO going back.

 

The original topic tho, of keeping it a secret being 'easy'...it wasn't easy for me at all. Being honest is difficult that's for sure, fessing up & taking responsibility for what I did was much easier than keeping that horrible secret inside of my head & my heart. I actually feel sympathy if there are people out there trying to live like I was before I told him. It's a lonely & miserable place if you let yourself feel it.

IAP,

 

Only traumatic experience and life changing events will cause the human soul to be tested. Yours were. Accept that you are human. You made a wrong turn when you came at a crossroad. It took you awhile to back track your steps with the heart of wanting to go back the way things were. But you have discovered that we can never retrace our foot prints the same exact way in the same exact spot.

 

What's more important in the end is what this experience did to and for you. You became a better person and wife because of it. So far, your husband still adores and loves you. Most importantly, he is still with you and you still have your marriage.

 

If you haven't already done so, FORGIVE YOURSELF. This is so important. If you don't, it will remain difficult for you to move on. Once you do, next step is to START LOVING YOURSELF. This is something you missed and did not do.

 

Most affairers/cheaters never truly love themselves because if they did, they would know how to show love to those they profess to love. So, it begs the question, how could you have shown love for your husband when you really didn't know how to love yourself in the first place?

 

Once you reach these points, will you truly enjoy your marriage.

 

Good luck.

[Madeamistake]

Shakenandstirred,

 

Cheating IS a conscious decision that is down right selfish, immature and insecure. No wonder cheaters are quick to blame others, their spouse for their miseries and misfortune. And when their consciences hits them, they dilly dally whether or not to confess their misdeeds to their betrayed spouse. Yep, they seem to have their own set of rules that doesn't include HONESTY, don't they?

 

Definately! Justifying it is wrong. Every relationship has problems and some people use those as reasons. I for one would say that the problems that we had in the relationship were not influential. The cause was what I call 'a glitch in my system'! The 'glitch' so to speak was caused by various self related issues that I had and was unaware of. I have been working on them with my counsellor. One of the major causes is that I had abandonment issues (could be considered as security issues) whereby at the time of my mistake that is how I felt. I have had these issues since childhood and was never aware of them. Let me elaborate:

 

1. My parents got divorced when I was 6 months old! I never really new who my father was until I was 11. He bailed on me after I met him and thereafter, I only saw him when I was 17. He died of cancer when I was 19. We never got along up until 3 weeks before he died!

 

2. My mother left me in the care of my grandparents when I was 4. She had to leave for another country as she had been offered another job. I only got to live with her when I was 9, got sent back to my grandparents after a year then returned to her at the age of 12. At 13 I was sent to boarding school and returned home at 17. During those years I changed schools 12 times to be exact, always back and forth and at times in and out of the country! I never liked it but my opinions were never heard. The moment I got stable in a particular school I would have to leave.

 

3. During those years, my mother remarried thus her focus was mostly on her marriage. This left me with my grandmother and my best friend to rely on. My grandma was more like a mother and my best bud was the brother I never had. They both died in the same year as my father. All 3 months apart. My dad died at the end of Feb 2002, my grandma in june and my best bud died of menangitis in september 2002. There I was alone again!

 

4. During this time, I had my first gf whom I loved to bits. Soon after my best bud died, she left me for some other guy. Well. I guess thats life!

 

5. Come 2006! I am happy with my gf! All up until a few months back. I had gotten my first big client account which I had to handle on my own. You see, I work for a family business, so we operate really big although we are small. My parents had to leave the country to handle a major aviation conference in some other country! My gf simultaneously decides that she wants to visit her family. I begged her to stay but her decision was that! There came the 'glitch'. That feeling of being abandoned by every person that I held dear. I was all alone and stressed out with work up until one night. A friday evening to be exact! A friend comes to visit, I had to much whisky in my system then bam! I never listened to my conscience. I gave in to temptation. I thought she was going to fill that emotional void. Boy was I wrong. Boy was I stupid!

 

Well thereafter, I had nothing to do but confess to my gf when she would come back. Life has been quite hellish since then but I believe it will get back on track. At least I know my weaknesses now. At least I know the triggers!

[Madeamistake]

I didn't get caught & then confess but I did struggle for weeks re: whether I should tell him or not. No one believes it but it did have a lot to do with not wanting to cause him any pain. But the simple fact is that I was dying inside & I truly believe if I hadn't confessed that our marriage was doomed for sure because it was eating at me like a cancer & it was causing more of a distance to come between us because I was avoiding him due to the guilt.

 

I'm sure some people are capable of moving on & burying what they did deep down, I wasn't one of them.

 

Of course the affair has caused things to be seriously broken. They will never be the same & I live with the guilt of that every single day of my life. I live with hating myself & feeling I'm not worthy of anything I have every single day. But I also know that if I can't move past this our marriage may be doomed even though he has forgiven me.

 

Yeah, wish I could give words of advice to anyone thinking of getting into an affair. Wish I could explain to them how it has changed everything but most of all it has changed me & I don't like the person I feel like I became & there ain't NO going back.

 

The original topic tho, of keeping it a secret being 'easy'...it wasn't easy for me at all. Being honest is difficult that's for sure, fessing up & taking responsibility for what I did was much easier than keeping that horrible secret inside of my head & my heart. I actually feel sympathy if there are people out there trying to live like I was before I told him. It's a lonely & miserable place if you let yourself feel it.

 

I agree with you. I went through some hectic psychological and emotional trauma before I confessed. It was hell. I felt as if I was pure evil for doing that to my girlfriend. I literally felt cold at times. I even lost weight cause of the stress it caused. Who knows what would have happened to me if I had not confessed. It kills you. I must say, that horrible experience taught me the lesson of always staying faithful and never thinking you can get away with 'murder' so to speak.

 

I think its a conscience thing. It is self punishment for not listening to the angel inside of you when you were tempted. If you do evil deeds to innocent people, you reap the reward of pain. For me it was like,"look at what you did, now you have to pay the price and bare this heavy cross of guilt". Yep! It was an unbearable weight though. I honestly never knew how it felt to be a two timing snake till that time. That pain will always be indented in memory!

 

Back to the matter. My advice would be to love him unconditionally. Pick yourself up as soon as possible or else he might lose it! Look at the past as is, the past. Thing of how lucky you are to still have him. Replace that bad incident with a good self quality. Stop moping, as one poster once said to me! Although you feel remorse and self betrayed by your actions, remember who has been more betrayed by all this; your husband.

 

I would also advice taking time to do a self analysis. Take time to better yourself and do good. It will evetually balance what you are feeling out.

 

Best of luck!

[Madeamistake]

IAP,

 

If you haven't already done so, FORGIVE YOURSELF. This is so important. If you don't, it will remain difficult for you to move on. Once you do, next step is to START LOVING YOURSELF. This is something you missed and did not do.

 

Most affairers/cheaters never truly love themselves because if they did, they would know how to show love to those they profess to love. So, it begs the question, how could you have shown love for your husband when you really didn't know how to love yourself in the first place?

 

Once you reach these points, will you truly enjoy your marriage.

 

Good luck.

 

Hi FlyingHigh

 

What you said is on point! Very true indeed!

[Madeamistake]

I hope you guys move past this, I think you are a great person by what I'm reading. There comes a time I believe when you should stop beating yourself up about this, you made a mistake and deeply regretted it, now it's time to move on. I have lost my last three (2 marriages, 1 LTR) to infedelity on their part, and I should be a walking mysoginistic nightmare. I too can forgive cheating, but I have to see the person that's cheating understanding, taking responsibility, and regretting what they have done. After that, it takes rebuilding trust and open communication from there on out.

 

Cheers!

 

Wow!

 

Rooster. You are strong. Really strong.