Question, answer

[outofdarkness]

Hey you all...I've been posting here and on OW site for some time now, and I really need some advice/opinions. Just to quickly recap my story...D day was 2 years ago..I received a letter in the mail from the main OW of ten years and found out there were multiple inbetween. My H is a huge business traveler and is very successful...I stayed with him, and we have been in MC ever since, as well as IC for both but just him at this point. This past summer, I caught my H in a lie...Just happened to catch a cell phone call between he and a coworker when he arrived home for one night inbetween trips...I saw an unfamiliar cell # as well as the familiar call back after one minute from his phone. These were actually on his cell, before he had the chance to erase I suppose. Usually, I go through the cell stmt, but I just happened to check his phone because I had the feeling after asking him who he had dinner w/ that something was not right. He lied and I called the # which was this coworker's cell #. He claimed it was an innocent dinner and was purely business, to which I replied, "then why lie to me about it?"..He had gone from one city where this woman was working right down to another city where she is actually based and had flown home at the same time that he was driving to "work" in this location". I noticed the area code on her # and knew from his itenerary that this is where he was headed. He of course, denied that it was anything inappropriate, I argued back that even if there was NOTHING going on it was inappropriate for a MM to have dinner and drinks with a single and admittedly attractive twenty something...He said it happens all the time in his industry. I researched and found out that it is NOT appropriate to do this.. Also, he is her suprerior...Another issue entirely, and another reason NOT to do something like this...

 

Now that you know the history, my question is this: MY H's boss arranged for the two of us to fly to the local of his company's main office for the Holiday party. He's worked there for 5 years, and I have never met anyone that he works with. He is a field consultant, and travels to different offices rather then staying at home to work most of the time. I know that some of his A's were carried on during business travel, and I also know that he told many lies about me including some that included our children...I was the most upset because he had revealed so much personal information to these OW's during his A's...Whenever I asked to travel w/ him prior to D day, he just told me it was business and it was not appropriate, or that spouses were not included. This can be true SOME of the time, but not ALL of the time...It was obvious that he was not being honest with them about our marriage. I don't know if he told them that we were separated or what, but when D day hit, I went to his office; he keeps one locally just for calls, etc..., and found NO pictures of myself or our children, but I DID find a picture of him and an unfamiliar woman. When I questioned him about it, he told me it was a coworker and her H had taken it during a company conference in Aspen..I wanted to believe it, but knew it was a joke. He would have done anything to keep me from filing at this point, as he stood to loose everything...

 

So...fast forward to now, I am one day away from flying to this Xmas party with him and at the last minute, he tells me that the woman that he lied about having dinner with, is going to be at the Xmas party. I had asked if anyone outside of the home office besides he and I would be there...He, I guess put two and two together and realized he'd better ask her...He told me that he recieived an e mail that someone else had copied him on saying that she would be there too. He also told me that he found out a couple of months ago that this woman has been dating a man in her home office for almost two years, but he will not be at the party. Acccording to my H, her boyfriend's family is friends w/ my H's family as well as my neighbor, through old work ties..We live in a large community, but small if you all know what I mean... I had asked repeatedly if there was ANY connection between this woman and our family; he also has a sister that lives in her local...He repeatedly told me emphatically NO!! Now I come to find out that there actually IS a connection...what do you know??? How coincidental!

 

I was so nervous at the thought of going to this anyway, but now I am petrified and so upset. Is he trying to cover his butt before I go there by telling me "something" but not everthing? Just enough to cover his butt? Is he on the up and up? I smell a rat..Do you all? Why would she not be going w/ her apparent BF of 2 years, who works for the same Co, to the Co. Xmas party? Please help! I dont' know what to do..I don't want to go there and humiliate myself...I've already been humiliated enough..He has begged me to go, I think because he received a glowing evaluation some of which stated that it had been so helpful that he had worked through his family issues...I guess he wants me to show up so that he can say; "see, here she is"...

 

Your advice is soo appreciated...

[whichwayisup]

If I were you, I wouldn't go. And I'd start figuring out what it is you want. It seems he hasn't understood his actions, or suffered ANY consquences of his affairs...Your choice here, but marriage counselling is a must and he has to start proving that he is trustworthy. So far, he's shown you nothing! Just keeps on lying, hiding things, but then when the truth start to come out, (like he's gonna be busted) he sings like a canary! Though, where there's smoke, there's fire...

Listen to your gut.

 

What do you want to do? Are you willing to stay married to him or are you starting to feel that divorce or atleast separation is coming closer? Trust is a huge issue and I don't see how you can trust him at all. Lie after lie, coverups, etc...It's exhausting and you don't need to live like this!!

[outofdarkness]

If I were you, I wouldn't go. And I'd start figuring out what it is you want. It seems he hasn't understood his actions, or suffered ANY consquences of his affairs...Your choice here, but marriage counselling is a must and he has to start proving that he is trustworthy. So far, he's shown you nothing! Just keeps on lying, hiding things, but then when the truth start to come out, (like he's gonna be busted) he sings like a canary! Though, where there's smoke, there's fire...

Listen to your gut.

 

What do you want to do? Are you willing to stay married to him or are you starting to feel that divorce or atleast separation is coming closer? Trust is a huge issue and I don't see how you can trust him at all. Lie after lie, coverups, etc...It's exhausting and you don't need to live like this!!

Yea, I know...We were separated twice in the year after D day and I finally decided to file for D. He nearly fell apart and lost his job...Begged me to stay and make it work. I filed an order of recociliation and we've been working with the MC ever since. What do I want to do? I don't want to be the cause of him not getting a better evaluation, etc...but I don't want to go either...I have told him this and he begged me to...said he'd told everyone that he works with that I was coming...There are other reasons I don't want to go, even though it's only for two days, one night. Our son was in the hospital for 10 days a couple of weeks ago and is still sick...Our daughter is in the middle of exams and she too, is not feeling well...My Mom works 2 jobs but has agreed to stay, and I don't feel really confident right now...I guess I just answered my own question, didn't I? Thanks for the input..Any more replies? I'd appreciate any opinions...

[whichwayisup]

I don't want to be the cause of him not getting a better evaluation,

That isn't your fault, it's his. What he has been doing has finally caught up to him. Maybe it's time he owned up to it all and started acting like a grown man, a married man.

 

Our son was in the hospital for 10 days a couple of weeks ago and is still sick...Our daughter is in the middle of exams and she too, is not feeling well...

 

Those are good enough reasons NOT to go. Write a note to his boss, and whoever you feel needs to know why you aren't able to go. Or call them, but put in a good word about your husband, how proud you are -blahblahblah.

Your kids are much more important right now. He will be FINE on his own, so don't let him make you feel guilty about not going.

[outofdarkness]

That isn't your fault, it's his. What he has been doing has finally caught up to him. Maybe it's time he owned up to it all and started acting like a grown man, a married man.

 

 

 

Those are good enough reasons NOT to go. Write a note to his boss, and whoever you feel needs to know why you aren't able to go. Or call them, but put in a good word about your husband, how proud you are -blahblahblah.

Your kids are much more important right now. He will be FINE on his own, so don't let him make you feel guilty about not going.

yea, you are right...I used to speak my mind, but since D day, I have become timid and quiet...Thanks again for the support and input...

[whichwayisup]

Anytime and you're welcome. And don't be afraid to speak up to him. He can't control your life, but together you two can work through this...If he's willing to change and let go and stop his past behaviour.

[GreenEyedLady]

I used to speak my mind, but since D day, I have become timid and quiet...

 

I think that you should SPEAK YOUR MIND...and very loudly, of course...

[NoIDidn't]

Hey OutofDarkness

 

Its past my NEW bedtime, but wanted to post to your thread.

 

I think something is up with this woman and he is starting to feel the heat. Mentioning that something went down with her, and trying to make it sound innocent, is a HUGE red flag. I say, don't go if you don't want to. Go if you want to. I myself never turn down a corporate party, especially if they are flying me in, but that's just me.

 

Your family is already going through so much, it might help the kids to see you two trying to do things together. But I agree with Whichway, he is NOT holding up his part of the bargain. Me, I would tell him he needs a new job so that he doesn't travel without me so often as part of me trusting him again. The picture in his office of him with some other woman, oh no. But, I acknowledge that you are not me. That, and I truly DON'T know what I would do if I were in the same set of circumstances.

 

That said, I will stick with - do what YOU want to do. Also, tell him what is on your mind. Anytime a woman writes you a letter to out your H and his As, she has been manipulated and tricked to such a degree that she wants to hurt him back 'by any means available'. Your H sounds like quite the charmer. That, and I think that he is hoping for the opposite of what he keeps claiming to want. I don't think that he wants you there. But I am a skeptic at heart, anyway.

 

I don't know if I said anything helpful. But I hope you make the decision that is right for YOU.

[outofdarkness]

Hey OutofDarkness

 

Its past my NEW bedtime, but wanted to post to your thread.

 

I think something is up with this woman and he is starting to feel the heat. Mentioning that something went down with her, and trying to make it sound innocent, is a HUGE red flag. I say, don't go if you don't want to. Go if you want to. I myself never turn down a corporate party, especially if they are flying me in, but that's just me.

 

Your family is already going through so much, it might help the kids to see you two trying to do things together. But I agree with Whichway, he is NOT holding up his part of the bargain. Me, I would tell him he needs a new job so that he doesn't travel without me so often as part of me trusting him again. The picture in his office of him with some other woman, oh no. But, I acknowledge that you are not me. That, and I truly DON'T know what I would do if I were in the same set of circumstances.

 

That said, I will stick with - do what YOU want to do. Also, tell him what is on your mind. Anytime a woman writes you a letter to out your H and his As, she has been manipulated and tricked to such a degree that she wants to hurt him back 'by any means available'. Your H sounds like quite the charmer. That, and I think that he is hoping for the opposite of what he keeps claiming to want. I don't think that he wants you there. But I am a skeptic at heart, anyway.

 

I don't know if I said anything helpful. But I hope you make the decision that is right for YOU.

I know how tricked and humiliated and hurt the main 10 year ow was. I spoke to her over the phone several times. She had NO ideal that he was cheating w/ other OW's...She was clearly heartbroken, confused and angry. I knew how she felt, and oddly enough, we spoke like we had known each other all along...I have never laid eyes on her, although she has seem me many times, and even came to an open house that we had when we decided to move several years back...I hate the way he treated BOTH of us! I hate that he hurt so many women...Do I feel superior bacause I am the W? Not really...I think when someone treats women like objects, it doens't really matter which position they hold on his totem pole, he treats them all the same, and tells all of of us the same lies. The main OW told me that I was the exact opposite from what he had told her about me, and she of couse was presented to me as just a sex object...nothing more. I found it appalling that he would carry on with someone for 10 years just for the sex...He insisted that NO feelings were involved...I believed this just like I believe that pigs fly!

 

Regarding his job, I have begged and pleaded for him to change jobs, and he will not even look. He is VERY qualified, holds a very esteemed and well respected, not to mention high paying job, and is very capable of finding something local, but I don't think he's ready to give up that part of his life. He admitted after D day that airports, hotels, etc...were hard because there were so many women around. This made me feel really good!

 

Re: Does he want me here? You might be right about that, but with a very ill child and a financial situation that he got into real mess, I am stuck right now, at least stuck in certain ways...I am in the process of monitoring incoming and outgoing expenses/bonuses, etc...I now handle all of our accounts and check on them every day. I contacted his family to please ask them to send any monetary gifts; re: school tuition, etc.., directly to the organization/school...I never let him take cash out with on reconciling with every receipt that he saves. I now deposit his reimbursment checks and pay online, and I make him give me copies of all itemized expense reports as well as copies of all receipts thathe submitted. I realize that if someone really wants to cheat, they will find a way, but I CAN protect myself and our children...That is my main objective now.

 

The picture in his office, yea, I agree, oh no!!! I was mortified and so embarrassed! I still do not know who she is to this day...The next day, I went back to try to find it, and of course it was long gone.

 

Re: Is he a charmer? YES, YES, YES! He took me shopping for this Xmas office party this weekend b/c it's his party and I wanted HIM to pick out the outfit...He acted so cutsie and embarrassed with the young sales girls...His face even turned red at one point. If you saw him at a starbucks or something, you would NOT think that he would be the cheating sort. He is a pillar in our community and always Mr. polite and BIG on appearances...Trouble is...our children and myself have not been a part of those appearances in quite a long time.

 

I think the bottom line as far as myself is concerned, is that if I do go, I will be thrown right back to 2 years ago...The pain and humiliation and fear and paranoia...It just doesn't seem worth it to me. If I get into a big depressive state again and can't function properly due to finding something out at this party, how will I take care of our sick son? I just don't think I could handle it right now. Am I putting it off and in denial, probrably alittle of both, but my main concern is getting him better and in school again. I can't do this if he is stressed and sick...Unfortunately, I am just going to have to stick it out for now, hope that I somehow stumble on the truth, if he IS lieing, and pray...

 

On another note: Do any of you know anything about the Sprint ready link phones? He has one, but says he does not use it. Yet, when I turn it on after it's been off, th ready link automatically comes up. There are no contacts in his list, ect...but why would that all of the sudden just show up..It never has before...Can you erase these as you can calls, and is there a log of these "calls" at all? If anyone knows, please let me know...Also, what do you all think about a married, family man leaving the house at 9 or so at night to sit at starbucks to read the paper? I have always been leery of this because coffee houses are his old hang out/pick up places, but he stopped until recently...Any chance that he's telling me the truth and NOT meeting somone there, or just on the prowl for someone???HE does ask me to join him on occasion, and sometimes I go, but most often I don't due to other obligations....Is the whole coffee house/starbuck thing the new "bar" as far as hooking up? I'm sort of out of it due to working from home for so long and taking care of the kids...Any input is really appreciated...Thanks all of you...

[norajane]

What are you afraid will happen if you go? Are you afraid you might learn that he had some kind of fling with his co-worker? Are you afraid there might be other OW's there?

 

If I were in your shoes, and I intended to stay in this marriage, I'd be on that plane to the party with a fantastic outfit and great shoes. I'd get my hair done at the hotel salon and then I'd go to that party with him. I'd have some drinks and laugh and meet all his co-workers. I'd make myself a presence, and I'd charm the pants off everyone there.

 

By doing that, not only do you establish yourself as a classy, gracious woman, you also establish yourself as a presence in his work life. You need to be a part of that life, so he can't compartmentalize his life with you and his life at work. Since work is where he cheats, you need to defuse that as "his" territory.

 

And you need to send a message to any past OW's that you ain't going anywhere.

 

Besides - do you really, really want to be sitting at home fretting about what might be going on there?

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Definitely GO! You need to see this woman. And I'll bet that once you meet her, you will be CERTAIN that they are having an affair. I think you need that boost to get out of darkness.

 

As for your suspicions on your H, I completely agree with the other posters. He is definitely up to no good. He is trying to cover his butts by filling you in with little information - to thow you off - so that you wouldn't be suspicious when you do see her.

 

You hit all the red flags on your original post. Trust your guy instincts! Unless it's because you secretly DO NOT want to file for divorce?

 

Please. Understand that he is not going to change. So the change has to come from YOU. Otherwise you will always be led in a circle.

 

You have to start taking care of yourself. If you want to live without the suspicions, the fears that he may run off with someone, the shame, and the anger, then you need to divorce him. Unless, of course, you don't mind sharing him with other women because that's what you'll have to do. Some men are serial cheaters. They are addicted to love and sex. There is no cure. Why do you think that YOU can change him?

 

Best wishes. Do enjoy the party by focusing on you instead of him.

[MOMMIE]

How could you possibly enjoy the party when your husbands ow(s) is there?????????? Please don't torture yourself....It's not worth it.

[lighthouse]

Let him go and you stay home. You go through the money. Take money out of the bank. Get your stuff together. Move your Mom in to the house and LOCK the door.

Enough already!!!

Check your finances. This guy is NOT on the up and up.

lighthouse

[outofdarkness]

Thanks for all of your replies. It's less then 24 hours before we are supposed to leave and I still don't know what to do. I see what all of you are saying, and I think they are all valid points..I am struggling with the fact that I don't want it to effect his job which in turn affects all of us whether we stay together or not.

 

As far as what I am afraid of...Of course I am afraid to see/face any OW...I have never done this, at least with the knowledge that something went on. In other words, some of the OWs were people that I knew but I did not know that they were OW's...Also, as I said, I don't know what all he has told these people. I can only guess based on what he apparently told his OW's from the past...Why would coworkers be any different?

 

I don't know for sure that the female coworker is an OW...Yes, I smell a rat, but I don't have any hard proof. If he's going to put is A's under the guise of work, then it's going to be REALLY hard to catch him...

 

I do agree with what one poster said as far as getting to the party, showing myself, etc...but I also agree with the other posters. So, I am at a rock and a hard place...The problem is that I am not like some people, in that it's really hard for me to see someone, ANYONE need something or want something so badly and not accomodate...I know this is a problem, and I am working on it, but it's not easy to change...or channel this part of me to more healthy avenues...

 

As far as the poster that said enough already, if it were this easy, I'd have done something sooner, but it's not...I have two children to think of, one of which is very ill, and I have no income right now due to having to take care of him for an extended period of time...Obviously, he has not been on the up and up, but it's hard to tell now what exactly is going on...I try to go w/ my gut, but my gut tells me conflicting things...I am confused..Also, as I said, I handle all of the finances now. If he even takes $10 out of the bank, I require a receipt. His paychecks and bonuses are handed directly to me...I pay all of the bills, and I check all accounts EVERY day...If he's paying for something, it's through a source that I am not aware of, which of course is possible...Do I like living this way, no not particularly, but it has been good for me to be more informed and independent...Thanks again for the replies..I will be here on and off today, so if anyone has any additional thoughts, please post them..Thanks..

[outofdarkness]

I'm in denial again, aren't I? After rereading my posts, I realize that I am really not facing the truth, am I?

[Kinger25]

No you are not facing the truth.

 

I feel for you so much OOD. Your life is no way to live. The constant suspicion and paranoia its not healthy. I really think that you would be healthier cutting your losses, taking your children and living on the bread line than how you are living now.

 

I would definitely go the X Mas party. At the end of the day YOU KNOW that you are going to become insecure, suspcious depressed and paranoid if you go, but if you dont go you are only delaying these feelings until another of your H's episodes creeps out from under the woodwork and gets inside of you.

 

I really dont think that your marriage is salvageable. And I am NOT being pessimistic or trying to be hurtful by saying this, its just that I have read through your posts and from what you have said, your H is STILL up to no good.

 

I say this SO many times and to SO many people on here, but I absolutely and passionately believe that TRUST is the main ingredient in any marriage or relationship. Without trust you have nothing. Ok, after an A you can have a good go at re-building the trust, but your H is not exactly putting your mind at ease is he? Its GOT to be a team effort. Ok so he runs everything financial past you, but for someone like him who has been in the infidelity game for so long, he knows that there are ways and means of filtering income through to himself without you necessarily knowing.

 

I also smell a rat and I think that your H is using work to cover up an A. It may not necessarily be this particular co-worker. She could be a scape goat for someone else that he is seeing, that may also be at this party.

 

You are in such a traumatic situation OOD and I would just like to say that I admire you for your progressive strength. You are coping with things exceedingly well under the circumstances.

 

If your H has such a good job and high income then if your Divorce him you are going to see yourself ok financially. You will be tight to begin with but you are entitled to your share of his assets and income.

 

Why do you stay with this man? Love I understand, but he is making a fool out of you. I think he probably does love you in return but my god, he sure has his cake and eats it doesn't he.

 

At the end of the day OOD. We have one life. And we must cherish each moment of it because we are a long time dead. You need to take charge of things. Your children need you and you deserve to watch them grow up with happiness in your heart. You need to be there as they develop and ENJOY your time with them. Your marriage is going to destroy even this if you are not careful.

 

Go to the party. Be silent and thoughtful and try and enjoy it whilst keeping one eye open all of the time.

 

Come back afterwards and talk to us about it and we can then help you move forward again, we are here for you.

[outofdarkness]

No you are not facing the truth.

I know that I am not..thanks for letting me know that I am not crazy...

I feel for you so much OOD. Your life is no way to live. The constant suspicion and paranoia its not healthy. I really think that you would be healthier cutting your losses, taking your children and living on the bread line than how you are living now.

Because of my situation righ now, I cannot easily pick up and leave..I am trying and have been for two years to become more independent and feel better about myself so that I CAN leave if need be. This involves stashing money aside, etc...In addition to being a cheater, my H has had a bad temper in the past and I can't subject the kids to that right now, as our son has been very ill...

 

I would definitely go the X Mas party. At the end of the day YOU KNOW that you are going to become insecure, suspcious depressed and paranoid if you go, but if you dont go you are only delaying these feelings until another of your H's episodes creeps out from under the woodwork and gets inside of you.

You are absolutely right...

 

I really dont think that your marriage is salvageable. And I am NOT being pessimistic or trying to be hurtful by saying this, its just that I have read through your posts and from what you have said, your H is STILL up to no good.

You might be right, but I need hard proof, as I lost my grounds for D that I had two years ago. He is extremely careful now due to my knowing what went on, and it will be hard to get this hard proof..

 

I say this SO many times and to SO many people on here, but I absolutely and passionately believe that TRUST is the main ingredient in any marriage or relationship. Without trust you have nothing. Ok, after an A you can have a good go at re-building the trust, but your H is not exactly putting your mind at ease is he? Its GOT to be a team effort. Ok so he runs everything financial past you, but for someone like him who has been in the infidelity game for so long, he knows that there are ways and means of filtering income through to himself without you necessarily knowing.

I think I said in a previous post somewhere along the line, that he is and has been in the financial industry for many years now, and I am well aware that it would be very easy for him to hide assets...That is why I have been working so hard to have assets of my own, and become more independent...Is there still love there, well, it's hard to say you don't love someone that you've been together with for 25 years, married for 20...I have never known anyone but him. Maybe if I got out there and saw what it's like, I would not feel so insecure, but it's not an easy thing for me..I am not the sort of person who just does things...I get very comfortable and love stability...Not that I have had that, but for a long time, it FELT like I did...Yea, there were signs, and he was an ass, but I blamed myself, because HE blamed me...If it wasn't me, it was one of our kids he was blaming. Anyone but himself. After he would spend time with one of the OW's he would come home, feel guilty, low, whatever they feel, and belittle us and pick fights w/ us because he had to justify what he was doing somehow...I understand that this scenerio plays out quite often in A's...

 

I also smell a rat and I think that your H is using work to cover up an A. It may not necessarily be this particular co-worker. She could be a scape goat for someone else that he is seeing, that may also be at this party.

Yes, I suspected something with coworker(s) for some time now. He always said after D day that he never got involved with coworkers, but he also told me that he never had an A with a married woman either...I found this to be a total lie, after she revealed her self to me as well, he later admitted that it was the wife of the president of the Board of Trustees at our children's school. We were asked to remove our children from this school, but at the time, it was blamed on my son...I had NO idea at this time, 4 years ago, that any of this was going on...So many things make sense now...

 

You are in such a traumatic situation OOD and I would just like to say that I admire you for your progressive strength. You are coping with things exceedingly well under the circumstances.

Thank you

 

If your H has such a good job and high income then if your Divorce him you are going to see yourself ok financially. You will be tight to begin with but you are entitled to your share of his assets and income.

I wish I could believe that, but I have seen what he is like because I DID file alittle over a year ago, and he went balistic...I can't chance that right now...

 

Why do you stay with this man? Love I understand, but he is making a fool out of you. I think he probably does love you in return but my god, he sure has his cake and eats it doesn't he.

Yes, he IS quite the cake eater, and I do believe that he loves me in his own way. As we ALL know, sometimes love is just not enough...Regarding him making a fool of me, yes this is true, but I really have gotten to the point that I really don't care anymore. Whether we stay together or not, as soon as the kids are gone, I am gone from our current city...

 

At the end of the day OOD. We have one life. And we must cherish each moment of it because we are a long time dead. You need to take charge of things. Your children need you and you deserve to watch them grow up with happiness in your heart. You need to be there as they develop and ENJOY your time with them. Your marriage is going to destroy even this if you are not careful.

I understand what you are saying, but it's like a double edged sword...Damned if ya do damned if ya don't

 

Go to the party. Be silent and thoughtful and try and enjoy it whilst keeping one eye open all of the time.

You better believe that I will have my senses going full blast at the party...I know what I am looking for now...

 

Come back afterwards and talk to us about it and we can then help you move forward again, we are here for you.

I definately will get back with you all after we return, but I will still be on an off today...I need all of the advice I can get...Thanks again...

[NoIDidn't]

OOD

 

Stop being so hard on yourself. Please. You are doing what any other human being in your position, with your resources would do. Coping and surviving the best you can.

 

If you still haven't made a decision to go or not, I totally understand. Its hard to leave a sick child behind. But I agree with the previous poster concerning you delaying the feelings. This is a classic d*mned-if-you-do-d*mned-if-you-don't situation. I wish you the best and pray for your strength.