Does it every turn out happy?

[findngmyselff]

So, I am a MM and have been with a MW for about 3 months now... We have been friends with each other for 10+ years. Weboth have fallen, REALLY REALLY Hard....we have tested each other many times. I can say for me it's an emotional, sexual, and everything else A with her. I luv my wife as a person, but have fallen out of luv with her so I am not leaving my relationship for OW.... The OW I am seeing says she is in the same boat.. but has two lil one's around 10 years old.. I have no kids.. we have both told each other we have found our soul mate... I have to tell u, I have never felt this stuff before... It's amazing, we can talk, and talk and talk.. not just bout the sex, but thats great too.. we have so much in common and I just have not seen to many follow ups on here to see how many of these work. I understand odds have to be against us, but if u feel and want it and need it.... go get it, right?

 

Just curious, for those of u who have gone through this before, is their light at the end of the tunnel....?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why do you both hold on to your spouses?

 

Why not free your spouses and give them the same opportunity to find happiness that you and she have found together?

[findngmyselff]

For me, I am in the middle of doing that... my wife knows how I feel, although she does not know about the OW, she does know I am moving in that direction... As for the OW, she says "for the kids/holidays". Maybe I will see more movement from here after the first of the year, but her H found out she has been TALKING to me and he is been being very nice, doing everything a husband who has neglected his wife for 10 years does.... making a huge effort now.... She says it puts her in a tuff spot because he is doing stuff with kids now and I wonder sometimes if she will stay with him for the kids....

 

I respect her if she does, cause I know what I bring to the table.... but either way I am coming to a closing chapter on my relationship. The OW had nothing to do with my marrage being torn to hell... many other reasons for that...

 

Some say it's easy to walk away, but man... u start thinking of all good times and bang, u get sucked back in... I am seeing a counseler so I am hoping she can help me in my final push to leave what I know I have to..

[whichwayisup]

This is what I'm thinking too. If you both aren't loving your spouses, be honest and end it with them. They both (your wife and her husband) deserve to be with people who will love them and not cheat. Why is it OK for you and your MW to continue deceiving everybody?

 

I luv my wife as a person, but have fallen out of luv with her so I am not leaving my relationship for OW

 

You have fallen out of love with your wife because you allowed yourself to fall for someone else. That emotional connection doesn't belong to your wife anymore, that's why. IF the MW wasn't in the picture would you be considering leaving your wife? Would you still feel out of love with your wife? Please think about this question and be honest to yourself...

[whichwayisup]

I am seeing a counseler so I am hoping she can help me in my final push to leave what I know I have to..

 

You don't need the MW to help you out the door. If you are leaving your wife, do it no matter what the outcome between you and your MW. Rely on yourself and your therapist for answers, not anybody else.

[findngmyselff]

WWisup, u did not read my post....

 

I did not go into specifics, but I can if it makes u feel better...

 

My wife is verbally and phiscally abusive... we have lost or way and this OW just came into picture on down side..

 

I was merly asking for people to share stories where it HAS worked is all..

 

I am not string my W along.. she knows... as for A, of course that is not right, for me it just happened...

 

I do understand your concern though... I can't leave my W for the OW because if I did, I may resent the OW down the road...

 

I will do it for myself, rest assured..

[frannie]

Hello findingmyselff,

 

Well there aren't a lot of 'success stories' (in the way you mean) on this board, I have to say. I think people come here because they're having problems and can't find a way out of a situation.

 

But there is no reason why it can't work out. I have heard of two affairs couples in my life recently who have got together (or two or more marriages that have split, whichever way you look at it).

 

Is your MW/OW saying that she's going to leave her marriage too?

[findngmyselff]

Yeah, she is on board.. she just dont wanna mess her kids up....

 

I went through it as a kid and I came out fine, but I am not pushing...

 

Kids are durable but I do understand its a touchy situation so I am being supportive....

 

we are just trying to get through holidays....

[frannie]

Then I don't see any reason why your situation won't work out. Seems to me like you're doing all the right things. Best of luck. Why not stick around here and let us know how things are going?

[Trialbyfire]

For the love of God, why are you still married, if this is all true? An abusive spouse should be left, especially if you have no kids. It's almost like you're using passive/aggressive retaliation, by having an affair she doesn't know about.

 

Get out of both relationships. Your relationship with your wife is not healthy and neither is your relationship with a MW who might not leave her marriage for you. Keep in mind that your affair is still in the honeymoon stages.

 

Don't jump from one damaging relationship to another. Talk to your therapist.

[frannie]

 

Get out of both relationships. Your relationship with your wife is not healthy and neither is your relationship with a MW who might not leave her marriage for you. Keep in mind that your affair is still in the honeymoon stages.

 

Don't jump from one damaging relationship to another. Talk to your therapist.

 

Well I would agree that moving straight from one relationship into another isn't the best plan. But this does seem to be unnecessarily dismissive. We know next to nothing about their relationship, after all.

 

Sometimes it does happen that one meets and gets to know one's next partner while still involved with a relationship that's dying. And I think it is possible to not confuse the issues... not everyone does something like because they can't live without another person in their life... or brings issues from one relationship into another. Sometimes, it's just a question of bad timing.

[bunset]

Well I would agree that moving straight from one relationship into another isn't the best plan. But this does seem to be unnecessarily dismissive. We know next to nothing about their relationship, after all.

 

Sometimes it does happen that one meets and gets to know one's next partner while still involved with a relationship that's dying. And I think it is possible to not confuse the issues... not everyone does something like because they can't live without another person in their life... or brings issues from one relationship into another. Sometimes, it's just a question of bad timing.

 

My current M is the result of an A, while I was married to my first H.

I was married nearly 7 years, and fell into 2 affairs, the 2nd resulted in this 16yr marriage and 1 son.. I filed for D from H #1 just 7 weeks after starting that A. My 2nd husband was single during the A. I screwed up and 'fell' into another A just 6 months ago, that only lasted a month before we were discovered. After some very difficult changes and soul-searching, my H and I are gonna try for another 16 years, hopefully even happier.

Let me make sure you all know, my first marriage had NO children, and my 2nd husband was divorced for nearly 8 yrs. and was only a part-time Dad to his daughter at the time we got together.

We married 1 week after my divorce was final.

 

I'd sorta call that a success story.

[findngmyselff]

Any therpist you talk to will tell u to wait a year before getting into another big relationship so u can get over the one u just got out of.

 

I have to say the OW I am with makes me feel like never before, it feels so unreal cause we damn near finish each other sentences half the time.. It's very scary because it does feel so damn right..

 

I agree that I need to leave my current wife, she knows about my feelings and I now need to be strong enough to leave... no one will ever be able to answer why I am still their but me... I think it's many reasons.... She is all I have known my adult life... together 14 years, since I was 16... I may be afraid to be alone.... lots of small factors are a result why I dont get off my ass and just leave.... I can assure u I am trying.. new bank account this week, looking for apartments... just not as fast as I thought since I have 14 years wrapped up in to my marriage...

 

What can ya do...?

 

day at a time....

 

I will make sure to post back as this unfolds to let u know if its a honeymoon and dies off or if it turns into what I feel with the OW...

 

THanks guys..

[Guest]

I was MW with a MM, he had no kids. I have 2.

Five years down the road.

It was hard. It turned out. My happiness and his has been wonderful for the children, they thrive, we thrive. It does work sometimes. At least this once. I can't say I did everything right. I can say it was worth it.

[Marielle]

You seem to be very much in love with her...and the fact that you come to this board an expose your feelings the way you do, makes me think you sre really not the one who fits into the "cake man" category.

I would recomend you to go step by step, not to rush and make sure you know exactly what you want. Since you do not have kids and you srer not in love with her...there are not that many reasons to stay.

But I know it's easy to say, I know where you are coming from.

I m an OW who found her soulmate, my story is not turning the way I hoped, at least not yet. I m on IDLE mode, lol, still waiting, but I know he loves me like crazy...he feels the same you feel for her. But I think there is a lot of hope there.

 

Can I ask you something very personal? We don t have a lot of MM posting here, and you seem very honest and sensitive: Do you mantain physical contact with your wife?

 

I hope not to offend you with the question. My MM says it's over btw them...

[findngmyselff]

I try not to have much PHISICAL contact with her... I may give her a hug from time to time but I know sex with my wife is leading her on and their again I feel the guilt.... The guilt is so overwhelming with my wife. I find moments where I wonder if it WOULD work with my wife but thn we spend 30 mins together and I realize, and man is it hard, that we have grown apart and in order for me to stay true to her I will need to be someone I am not. So we have not had sex in a while....

 

I do have a twist to this story......

 

Last night my wife went and stayed at her moms, crushed me... why, u ask..? I think knowing the end is near and me having to be by myself just sucks... I know that these are lame reasons but I am really scared... So I was down and out and texted my boss to let her know I would be in late to work the next morning... My OW works with me and we are both close with the boss so she knows we are emotionally involved but no phisacally involved. She was on phone with me for a while when my OW called... so I talked to her for a while and opened up, which I feel bad for always breaking down on her, good god she has enough on her plate, anyway she was talking to me outside the tanning shop in her car and her husband drove past her.... she says "gotta go husband just drove by".. ok so I let her go.... 3 mins later I get a phone call from a number I did not recognize.. I answered and they hung up.... so shoot, I called the number back and he answered and I hung up.... it was her husband... so I texted her that I though her husband was calling me....... NOW, mind u he knows we are talking ALOT>. he got into her cell phone records and an hour and a half conversation at 3 in the morning says alot.... so he calls me back and asks me some off the wall question about where I got my tatoo.... I told him and that was that..... 5 mins later he calls back and was cordal but asked me to understand he is trying to hold his family together for the kids.... I was kewl... said ok, nothing more...

 

well.... hour and half later he sends me an apology text and hopes I can support them in this ruff patch and that the kids need their family...

 

I did not respond...

 

I am so in luv, and now so confused.... do I back away from her and just not talk to her... do I let her know I am backing away.... I don't think now is a good time to give her the ultimatium but he has the phone records so I think she needs to decide sooner then later, but I can't be the one who pushes her....

 

I know I am an idiot for even getting involved but it seriously just happened, I never intended to have such deep feelings for someone... urgh...

 

so the story continues..... I will keep u abreast of the next chapter.....

[whichwayisup]

You don't know if what you have with your wife is real or if it will last because of your feelings and being too attached to the OW. The only way to regain your love and intimate feelings for your wife is to end the affair with the OW, get over those feelings and work on your marriage. Not too sure if that is what you want though......

 

I try not to have much PHISICAL contact with her... I may give her a hug from time to time but I know sex with my wife is leading her on and their again I feel the guilt.... The guilt is so overwhelming with my wife. I find moments where I wonder if it WOULD work with my wife but thn we spend 30 mins together and I realize, and man is it hard, that we have grown apart and in order for me to stay true to her I will need to be someone I am not. So we have not had sex in a while....

 

But relationships and marriage ARE hard work. It is hard, and it takes effort, honesty, communication and listening to eachother to make it work well.

You haven't given your wife a chance, or yourself a chance to see what happens, and go to marriage counselling together.

[whichwayisup]

Also, your wife needs help and should go to counselling on her own. Not saying that it will change things, but if she were to try and fix herself, get a hold on her anger and issues, so she can be a better person, would you want to try to give her a chance to make things right with you?

 

Sorry, I just went back and re-read your post from the beginning, (not awake yet) so I forgot the past details of your situation...

[findngmyselff]

as you now read, I did do the counsling and I think it worked the opposite for me.... it opened my eyes up on how damn needy she was... everything about her... the problem is.....LUV is not a switch... can't flip it off for OW and on for W.... gonna be some ruff roads ahead... I will keep u up to date..

 

either way, I will come out of this a better man... I have so much more respect for women and their feelings, not that I was that bad of a guy, just never was thier when she cried, or was upset... for that I apoligized to her... too late I guess but all of this has changed me....

[bonehead]

Also, your wife needs help and should go to counselling on her own.

 

I would encourage this no matter what path you take.

 

Actually the divorce is what got my ex into counselling. Shes making progress with her issues.

[findngmyselff]

My wife thinks counsling tore us apart so getting her to go is not easy...

 

I have been trying but she is so depressed and co dependent I don't see it happening...

 

I am trying though...

[whichwayisup]

Her depression needs to be controlled, so focus on that part of her getting help. Once she starts therapy (in the sense of her depression, not about anything else) the therapist WILL open things up so she can face her own issues, talk about them as well as get meds in her and help her fight the depression. She may not be ready to do this alone, so make sure she has support. If not from you, then her mom/sis/dad/bro, close friends...Everybody has to help her feel better in that sense, if she reaches out, someone has to be there...Depression is a hard thing to cope with, but it's just as hard as having to live with a spouse who suffers from it.

 

I just wonder though, if she were to fix herself that way and became a stronger person, became who she was when you two first met and fell inlove, if one day you'll regret not sticking around and trying to make it work.

 

Depression and her moods has changed her, just like you having an affair has changed you enough to be and act like a different person...

 

Just giving you some stuff to think about it........

[findngmyselff]

more to think about, great.... I do here you though...

 

I may regret it I may not, I am just tired of all the verbal abuse and fights..

 

I wonder sometimes if I FEEL SORRY FOR HER.... that is not a good enough reason.... I am confused and am taking it day to day...

 

thanks for more to think about...

[Tough Girl]

I was engaged, he was MM. He left his W, I left my almost-H. We are still together and a lot of things are great. As a couple we are really happy, but there are SOOO many obstacles - "success" is as hard and painful as the A.