tinktronik Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I got a hit up from a friend that is aquainted with my s/o's family to look at his daughter's myspace page . So I did , and low and behold she's expecting a baby , I don't know how far along she is . She's 18 and apparently the father to be is 16 ; Im not sure how my s/o will take the news . It sounds as if her mother knows she is pregnant but noone has bothered to tell my s/o .... So should I be the one to tell him or just let the news get to him if and when it does by some other route?
Pyro Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Are the two of you close? If so, I would confront her and tell her that she needs to be the one to spill the beans to your SO.
Author tinktronik Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 Are the two of you close? If so, I would confront her and tell her that she needs to be the one to spill the beans to your SO. No, were not close at all. The beginning of the year she stayed with us and basically tried her damdest to get me to move out of my own house . Then when she could'nt she went back to her Mom's and refused to speak to her dad since . I do not dislike her, I understand what it's like to be a teenage girl with parents that are split up , and the hope was that her and her dad could repair things as she grew more mature . We were told she was in college working and doing well by Mom , but her myspace has no indication of school or work but it says a lot about being pregnant .
Pyro Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 No, were not close at all. The beginning of the year she stayed with us and basically tried her damdest to get me to move out of my own house . Then when she could'nt she went back to her Mom's and refused to speak to her dad since . I do not dislike her, I understand what it's like to be a teenage girl with parents that are split up , and the hope was that her and her dad could repair things as she grew more mature . We were told she was in college working and doing well by Mom , but her myspace has no indication of school or work but it says a lot about being pregnant . I think that you should tell her that you know she is pregnant, and I still think that you should tell her that she is the one that needs to tell him. I think that it will be best to hear it from her.
blind_otter Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I dunno, I would tell him to look at the myspace page. When my SO's ex decided to move, she also never bothered to tell my SO that she was taking their son with her. In fact, she wasn't planning on telling him at all until right before they moved, which I thought was unfair. So when my SO's son told me that he was moving, I was in a bit of a bind, but I figured that if I didn't tell him, no one would, so I did the dirty deed and it turned out to be for the best. You know him best, tink. Do you think that he'd want to know?
Author tinktronik Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 I dunno, I would tell him to look at the myspace page. When my SO's ex decided to move, she also never bothered to tell my SO that she was taking their son with her. In fact, she wasn't planning on telling him at all until right before they moved, which I thought was unfair. So when my SO's son told me that he was moving, I was in a bit of a bind, but I figured that if I didn't tell him, no one would, so I did the dirty deed and it turned out to be for the best. You know him best, tink. Do you think that he'd want to know?That sucks . I really don't know if it's my place to tell him or not . Her and her Mom are already way anti-tink so if I bring it up to him and it gets back to them that I told him it may just rock the boat even more .
johan Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Tell him. Don't worry about it. You're his best friend and the one person in the world he should be able to trust above anyone else. Telling him is one way to strengthen his respect and trust he has for you. Any concerns you have, just tell him so he can take them into account. Don't be part of the deception or put yourself in a position to have to pretend you didn't know. That woudn't be good for you. Nice avatar, by the way. Must be you.
goodfriendeva Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 if i were you i would stay out of it.. it really is none of your business and you might just end up making her really upset with you.. he will find out.. she will obviously be showing.. its up to her to talk about it.. you can try and talk to her about it.. but careful what you say.. (assuming shes young and immature)
norajane Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 No, were not close at all. The beginning of the year she stayed with us and basically tried her damdest to get me to move out of my own house . Then when she could'nt she went back to her Mom's and refused to speak to her dad since . I do not dislike her, I understand what it's like to be a teenage girl with parents that are split up , and the hope was that her and her dad could repair things as she grew more mature . We were told she was in college working and doing well by Mom , but her myspace has no indication of school or work but it says a lot about being pregnant . You could suggest - with Christmas coming up - perhaps this would be a good time for your SO to try and visit with her. He could call her mother and ask her to try to set up a holiday lunch or dinner with his daughter, or he could offer to visit her at her college. Even if she won't see him, maybe just trying to set up a meeting will get his ex to tell him what's up. They know they have to do it eventually.
blind_otter Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Tell him. Don't worry about it. You're his best friend and the one person in the world he should be able to trust above anyone else. Telling him is one way to strengthen his respect and trust he has for you. Any concerns you have, just tell him so he can take them into account. Don't be part of the deception or put yourself in a position to have to pretend you didn't know. That woudn't be good for you. Nice avatar, by the way. Must be you. I agree with Johan. I mean, for me I told because I suck at keeping secrets. And also, if I were in a similar situation, I would probably want him to tell me. And that IS a nice avatar.
Author tinktronik Posted December 13, 2006 Author Posted December 13, 2006 I agree with Johan. I mean, for me I told because I suck at keeping secrets. And also, if I were in a similar situation, I would probably want him to tell me. And that IS a nice avatar. I guess I'll tell him . And both of you are right , i would want to know . Oh and the avie is Gina Gershon , shes too hotttt.
Art_Critic Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I'll chime in on this and agree with Johan and B_O ( Great Post Johan). I don't think it matters how you tell him but you need to tell him.. It is his daughter and grandchild that you are talking about.
Touche Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 For what it's worth Tink, I'm also with Johan and BO on this one. You are his partner and best friend and as such you should tell him.
Author tinktronik Posted December 13, 2006 Author Posted December 13, 2006 I'll chime in on this and agree with Johan and B_O ( Great Post Johan). I don't think it matters how you tell him but you need to tell him.. It is his daughter and grandchild that you are talking about.It just makes me so mad , why hasn't his x-wife told him this? She blames him for every problem that comes up in the raising of their daughter yet how can he even slightly be held responsible when noone tells him what is going on . Nobody told him when she od'd on meth and had to be brought back to life either , in fact no one told him she was using drugs at all and yet it was all blamed on him.GGGrrrrr .... I wish for once that they would just let him in on his own daughters life if they are going to hold him responsible for everything that goes the way they don't want it to.
Author tinktronik Posted December 13, 2006 Author Posted December 13, 2006 Well, I told him . He was not surprised and said he actually expected something like this . We had his daughter with us till about seven months ago , when we would not cave to what she wanted , she wanted to go back to her mom and mom caved and let her come home on the basis that we were horrible people and that daughter hated it here , when in reality we just were not going to give in to letting her cause problems . Apparently she got pregnant almost as soon as she got back to mom's house . SO ...... hes upset as that she had any future she wanted on a silver platter and he thinks this is just her way of thumbing her nose at the future her parents have offered . He also admitted that for months he's been sending large amounts of cash to cover her college expenses , on Mom's request, when she has apparently not been in college at all. He's also confused as to what will become of the baby as he does not think his daughter is even remotley close to forming a maturity level consistent with raising a baby . To be honest he thinks perhaps she was far too sheltered and has a maturity level much lower than her 18 years . Perhaps Mom will be raising the baby? So , he's going to call again and find out if anyone will be willing to talk to him about this , but he has decided to approach it from a happy and congratulatory angle .
blind_otter Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 It's good that he decided to approach this from a "happy and congratulatory" manner - that will disarm any potential defensiveness that he might initially encounter. What a bummer for the daughter, though. Her whole life will change. Is it for certain that she's keeping the baby? No abortion/adoption discussions possible?
Author tinktronik Posted December 13, 2006 Author Posted December 13, 2006 It's good that he decided to approach this from a "happy and congratulatory" manner - that will disarm any potential defensiveness that he might initially encounter. What a bummer for the daughter, though. Her whole life will change. Is it for certain that she's keeping the baby? No abortion/adoption discussions possible? It sounds as if the daughter is keeping the baby . It is too far along for an abortion, I think shes between 6-7 mo preg. It seems the father is a 16 y/o guy who has some other girl preg too. how sad. It also sounds as if the adoption talk is out too , but I suspect her mom will end up raising the baby .
che_jesse Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 I wish for once that they would just let him in on his own daughters life if they are going to hold him responsible for everything that goes the way they don't want it to. Well why doesn't he care enough about his daughters life to be involved in it enough to know these things on his own. Dont say that its the mothers fault, thats bs, as soon as I got pregnant both of my parents knew long before I ever told them, parents that are close to there children can tell these things. Dunno.... I realize you love your SO but he sounds like most other divorced fathers that are uninvolved in their children's lives.
Author tinktronik Posted December 14, 2006 Author Posted December 14, 2006 Well why doesn't he care enough about his daughters life to be involved in it enough to know these things on his own. Dont say that its the mothers fault, thats bs, as soon as I got pregnant both of my parents knew long before I ever told them, parents that are close to there children can tell these things. Dunno.... I realize you love your SO but he sounds like most other divorced fathers that are uninvolved in their children's lives. Nice to say that , but there is usually a reason the other parent is not as involved as they could be . In fact in the last "episode", the daughter was told explicitly not to tell DAD . Im assuming that dad has not been told this once again because it would embarass mom for him to know . You can call and write and visit but if you are not informed as to what is really going on you still don't know. I personally think in a large majority of "uninvolved " fathers the truth ws "unwelcome" fathers. I wanted to add , this pregnancy is not the Mom's fault per se . However she has had a clear problem setting down boundaries and keeping them . If his daughter had stayed with us she most likely would not be pregnant .My H was realitstic about b/c and sex whereas his exW was not even willing to discuss it . A big part of the problem in this daughters life was that her mother was not willing to let Dad be a part of her life and hid things from him while talking badly about him . This is not uncommon. Its very easy to blame every little thing on someone who is not around , but then you have to wonder why the peson is not around and how much can you really blame on someone who isn't there?
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