guest Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Recently I posted about a woman that I dated and was 44 and never married. Many of you thought she may be a narcissist. I am posting for any help to figure out what I can possibly learn about myself from this, and if any of you have any input or are familiar with narcissists. From our earliest interaction, she loved to talk only about herself. But all she did was put down her coworkers, her company, Atlanta, life in general etc. She has had 6 jobs this year. After her spiels, I would be relegated to perhaps a minute or 2 of my day, followed by either an abrupt "ok i have to go", or another change of subject back to the exact same topics she talked about all day. She looked much younger than 44, and was hot. I read narcissists usually look much younger. She wouldnt just get a haircut. She would have it planned. Days and days of magazines, pictures, ideas, etc. The same for hair coloring. Obsessive. I found pics on her PC of her labeled hair one hair 2 hair 3 etc etc. She never had one thing to eat at her house. Barren refrigerator. She didnt own a vacuum. I brought her 2. In 2 months she didnt have 5 minutes to vacuum, although she didnt do anything else! When I noticed and asked why I was "attacking her".. Then she would always say "Well i didnt vacuum, so maybe it is good enough for you to come over" She complained incessantly about the water, food, air, dander. She never felt well. But she never took a step to rectify any of it. As soon as we met, she always asked how much money I made. I was never asked this before from any woman. As soon as we met she is constantly asking "where i will take her on vacation" She severed all ties with her family. They were bad and picked on her too much. In the end she said I was just like her family, so she needed to end it. She then tells me that I dont fawn over her enough, and that is what she is used to. She has yacht magazines, because she feels if she looks at them one day she will own a yacht and be rich. She had little concept of the world around her. She thinks alot of people make 1 million dollars a year. She never had a clue a lake is right next to her house. Kind of oblivious to the world around her. And then one day out of the blue after we were together all weekend, she calmy says with not one ounce of care "hey, i dont think we are a match" "it isnt working for me" Dumb me, trying to ask why, talk, call, (thinking of how hot she is, thinking she will change), is met with nothing but coldness. As if I was some horrible person. Some monster. The entire time we were together was me helping her. Helping her get a car. Helping her find a job. Giving her a job. Taking her out to eat. Taking her places. Listening and giving advice. All about her, nothing about me. At times she saw I was irritated, and I voiced it. She just said "you need help" I guess I am just hurt that after everything, she can so calmly and easily say goodbye. She said I had my chance one last weekend to be nice, and I didnt go to the first restaurant she spotted, so it means I dont care for her. I screwed up... Does this fit narcissism?
Spinderella Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 It is really hard to diagnose people over another persons (one who has been hurt by them) description of them, over the internet. The best anyone can do is tell you what they think, and it is always based on personal experience. She could be a narcissist, she could be a cp, she could have bpd. Probably she would fit all of those descriptions. Thats another problem. If you start with a theory, it is easy to prove it. Whatever label you can find, she certainly sounds as though she has trouble sticking to things. Jobs, relationships etc. Perhaps she has been on her own for so long, that she finds it difficult to relate to another person. Imagine having no contact with family, or friends and no long term relationships. It would certainly be difficult to adapt to being with someone. Whatever the reasons, the relationship seems to be over. Concentrate on yourself now. You should only be worrying about these things if she asks to get back together, in which case you will have to think hard about it, before making the decision to try again.
blind_otter Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 It really does you no good to marinate so intensely on this woman that you are no longer involved with. I'm just saying...
norajane Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 I am posting for any help to figure out what I can possibly learn about myself from this, If that's why you're posting, then you need to stop psychoanalyzing her, and start psychoanalyzing yourself. Why would you fall for, stay with, and still want a chance with a woman who treated you like she did? Clearly, you weren't attracted to her personality and charm and wit and kindness. Was her "hotness" THAT important to you that you would compromise on everything else? Why?
Guest Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 If that's why you're posting, then you need to stop psychoanalyzing her, and start psychoanalyzing yourself. Why would you fall for, stay with, and still want a chance with a woman who treated you like she did? Clearly, you weren't attracted to her personality and charm and wit and kindness. Was her "hotness" THAT important to you that you would compromise on everything else? Why? We met by chance, and did have some things in common. We both like to stay fit, both like to read, similar drug and alchohol views, close proximity, good sex, etc. I can name more things in common, but i think you get the point. There is always some good. So, I was thinking perhaps she is in a bad spot, unlucky with jobs, unlucky with love in the past etc. My question was as to how I was treated. I dont feel it was malicious, I am thinking she is just oblivious. It is hard to word exactly. She didnt seem like an intentionally bad person, but at the same time she only cared for herself, couldnt express any feelings to me, although she wanted to have a baby with me. Then all of a sudden, a calm "we are not a match sorry, goodybe".. Can manyof you date someone for 4 months, talk of a future, then be that calm and cold? No emotion showed at all?
gfto Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 This woman is going to make some guy extremely miserable. Be glad that it won't be you!
norajane Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 We met by chance, and did have some things in common. We both like to stay fit, both like to read, similar drug and alchohol views, close proximity, good sex, etc. I can name more things in common, but i think you get the point. There is always some good. Yes, that explains why you went out with her, though not why you continued to go out with her. So, I was thinking perhaps she is in a bad spot, unlucky with jobs, unlucky with love in the past etc. My question was as to how I was treated. I dont feel it was malicious, I am thinking she is just oblivious. It is hard to word exactly. She didnt seem like an intentionally bad person, but at the same time she only cared for herself, couldnt express any feelings to me, although she wanted to have a baby with me. Then all of a sudden, a calm "we are not a match sorry, goodybe".. Can manyof you date someone for 4 months, talk of a future, then be that calm and cold? No emotion showed at all? If during these 4 months with you, she showed no emotion, why would you stay with her to the point of discussing children? Why would YOU want to be in a relationship with someone who shows no emotion? What kind of relationships do you choose to have in your life? Again, if you are truly trying to learn something about yourself from this, those are the kinds of questions you should be asking yourself. She is what she is. Why were you so attracted to her?
gfto Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 She is what she is. Why were you so attracted to her? I can't speak for him, but I suspect it's because, in his words, she was HOT. This sounds like a perfect example of a very physically attractive woman who is also a hard-headed, self-centered, miserable person, and a guy who is so smitten with her physical beauty that he will take any crap she throws at him, because he's just happy to be there.
Guest Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Nora, I see your point. On one hand, once things are over, it is much easier to reflect. During the course of our relationship I also have a business to run, employees, friends, hobbies, family, etc. So sometimes these things are not looked at in such a magnified manner during a relationship. Sometimes things are brushed off. I would have to say I have some tendencies to want to be a helper. I meet a beautiful woman that I am attracted to, and she asks me everything. Tells me alot. Asks my advice alot. I dont know, but I dont think it is a character flaw to want to help, and go out of your way(within reason) to help. In a way it makes a man feel needed. So I didnt mind investing my time in her, and trying to sort out her problems. The thing that hurts is that, after I helped her in many ways (even saved her from a cult), I am then given my walking papers and told i am some bad guy, and she was the victim! Thats the closure she gave me. With no emotion. I just never had a break up quite like that. We never had a real talk about anything that was bothering her. She just said she looked back and felt I wasnt nice enough to her, and she is used to men fawning all over her. Yes, that explains why you went out with her, though not why you continued to go out with her. If during these 4 months with you, she showed no emotion, why would you stay with her to the point of discussing children? Why would YOU want to be in a relationship with someone who shows no emotion? What kind of relationships do you choose to have in your life? Again, if you are truly trying to learn something about yourself from this, those are the kinds of questions you should be asking yourself. She is what she is. Why were you so attracted to her?
Walk Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Are you trying to figure out where you went wrong? I think you'd do better to look at your relationships in a bigger picture. If this latest ex is the norm, then you might want to re-evaluate how much you give of yourself without getting much in return. People are selfish. If I'm not required to give anything but my presence to a man, I'll start to lose respect for him. Once respect is gone.. then yeah, I can walk away without feelings. What I heard when I read your post is that you gave to her, and all she had to do is sit there and look pretty. The word doormat comes to mind, but I don't know the whole story... Why did you buy her 2 vacuum cleaners?? I don't get that. Anyway... I think it's good to take a look at what went wrong, but sometimes... well, sometimes you just meet up with incompatible people. And if you didn't realize it before, you should realize it now that she's shown how easily she can take from you and then insult you as she walks away. What I'd take from this experience is to stay away from women like this one.
Recommended Posts