frannie Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 we discussed this and he asked me why would I except him and all the baggage he will bring to me...it's only because of love... Ditto for me. Why would I want a man who would have suffered a huge financial loss, isn't particularly wealthy anyway, and will have an ex wife and two step-children (if we get together)... I don't like to term those things 'baggage'... But the point is that it's certainly not going to be a case of me stepping into what he has now (and that's just one house, one decent car, btw.)... this is about love, not things.
Author herenow Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 Ditto for me. Why would I want a man who would have suffered a huge financial loss, isn't particularly wealthy anyway, and will have an ex wife and two step-children (if we get together)... I don't like to term those things 'baggage'... But the point is that it's certainly not going to be a case of me stepping into what he has now (and that's just one house, one decent car, btw.)... this is about love, not things. Once again, the point is about not knowing what goes on behind closed doors. Take money out of the equation and you can apply it to any relationship. This is not about why people get into relationships with each other, it's about how people view relationships from the outside. It's about making assumptions based on what you see and not the reality of what it really is. I would like to believe that my marriage is now exactly what it appears to be. That was not true this time last year.
NoIDidn't Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Herenow, I agree with you - concerning the OW. But I am one who typically feels much like frannie. I think that people who go around acquiring stuff, are just not capable of emotional ties to others - at least not deep ones. I know lots of well-off couples and individuals, and also know how miserable most of them are. Not that I am saying that you are miserable. It has just been my experience that the well-heeled usually have the most to hide or to hide from.
Author herenow Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 Herenow, I agree with you - concerning the OW. But I am one who typically feels much like frannie. I think that people who go around acquiring stuff, are just not capable of emotional ties to others - at least not deep ones. I know lots of well-off couples and individuals, and also know how miserable most of them are. Not that I am saying that you are miserable. It has just been my experience that the well-heeled usually have the most to hide or to hide from. Sometimes you don't know when you are miserable because you believe the show that you are putting on for everyone else. Not gonna be me no more! I choose to live my life in reality from now on!
NoIDidn't Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 That's great, herenow. My H was/is more like what you describe as far as starting to believe the show you put on. I was never like that. I am not a very good actress.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 HN, If "things are not what they seem" as you've proclaimed, are you saying that your H is really an A-hole? I'm not trying to insult you, but your posts (in this thread) sound condescending - if you are not going to elaborate on what it is that other women are "missing". One other thing that you need to bear in mind is that most OWs here are in love with their MMs and it probably true that the MMs love their OW. It is NOT about him appearing to "have it all" and being envious of the W. (Though, I think that there are some OWs that are gold-diggers, I do not believe that they'd be here trying to find support for their pain.)
Rooster_DAR Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 The reason I started posting at this site was because my very good friend was having marital problems. He and his wife are very well off. They have the life everyone envies. Couple cars, big fancy house, vacations, even a couple dogs. No one who saw them together would ever guess that she was cheating on him. She is the perfect hostess kind of woman. Greets you at the door, smiles, takes your coat, gets you a drink. She is like June Cleaver. Well excpet the has several interet dating site profiles and has been having several affairs. Guess you never know about people. This was the case with me. My no EX came from nothing, a crappy apartment and eachother. In 3 years our careers would bring forth a very nice house, and many material things that many people long for. We had finally make it to where we could live a very nice life, then all of a sudden she has an affair and the house of cards came tumbling down. Everything we built, everything I was proud of, and the love for my fiance was destroyed. I've never been a material person although I make pretty good money, I just am very down to earth. My fiance was the same way, but once she crossed the boundary with a co-worker, she became the sterotypical middle class affair woman. I agree that people who may seem to have it all, are often times the ones that fall apart.
BenThereDunThat Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 HN - I totally get the point you're trying to make. That was one of my biggest struggles after I told exMM to hit the road. They seemed to have this "charmed" life - trips all over the world, active in their church, nice home, trendy restaurants, theater and museum memberships, etc. In short, the life I always thought I wanted for myself (minus the church part, lol). Because of the fog, I felt not good enough, left out, lacking. But once that fog lifted, I can be more objective. They moved here because he got the job here, and then his W goes and gets a more prestigious job, a leadership role, in her own field. Once I found that out, A LOT of things started to make sense. I couldn't see the big picture before. He got fired from one company previously, started his own company, that failed, and now he's here, working at middle management, passed over for promotion twice. Ouch. Can you imagine the dynamics in that home now? No wonder the man was craving a wide-eyed idiot to "adore" him. Classy, huh? I still don't like him, and still won't talk to him, but that somehow made me feel better.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Ouch. Can you imagine the dynamics in that home now? No wonder the man was craving a wide-eyed idiot to "adore" him. Classy, huh? I still don't like him, and still won't talk to him, but that somehow made me feel better. This is what I want to know. Is this generally what is under all that glittery? I'm not trying to sound like a smart-ass. But if we can make generalizations about something that appears wonderful, then what "hope" is there for the average, middle income families? HN, if money is REALLY not important to you, why do you think that it is important to women who are attracted to your H? I think that you are still in denial. JMHO.
BenThereDunThat Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 This is what I want to know. Is this generally what is under all that glittery? I'm not trying to sound like a smart-ass. But if we can make generalizations about something that appears wonderful, then what "hope" is there for the average, middle income families? Well, I think reading so many posts on this site doesn't help. It sure seems grim as far as relationships go. I don't paint every relationship of those around me with the same brush. Just stating how I was feeling and what the reality turned out to be. Maybe as far as the W is concerned, they are blissfully happy. But Mr. Ego needed a boost and he selfishly lied to two people (at minimum) to get it. And for all his trying to be someone I would "admire", I really bought into it for a while - at the expense of my own perceived self-worth. While he was getting a boost to his own ego, mine was being depleted.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Well, I think reading so many posts on this site doesn't help. I agree that most posts in this forum paint unsuccessful relationships. However, I hate it when BS will not admit that their M had problems - that they just sucked. Why still claiming an "appearantly beautiful family" when it is obviously NOT? When a spouse cheats, this is really just the tip of the iceberg of what kinds of problems their M is having. Why is it so hard to acknowledge this?
puddleofmud Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 It is my humble opinion that "skewed values" do often enter into one's value of self. Personally, I AM attracted to someone who appears dynamic and confident (though they may not have a pot to piss in--it has never been about the dough) and I have been fooled more than once about whether this was one of ethical origin. And more than once I have questioned myself as why the heck I fell into something like this? It wasn't because my values were skewed--it was because the presentation of their values was purposely skewed in order to meet mine and that I blinded myself (denial) about their intentions because my partner just told me what I wanted to hear, or I just saw what I wished to see. The poster who began this thread is just trying to express a warning and I appreciate what they are trying to say... Appearances are deceiving and the proof is always in the pudding!
NoIDidn't Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 However, I hate it when BS will not admit that their M had problems - that they just sucked. Why still claiming an "appearantly beautiful family" when it is obviously NOT? When a spouse cheats, this is really just the tip of the iceberg of what kinds of problems their M is having. Why is it so hard to acknowledge this? I think that is what she is doing, if you re-read it. She is saying that from the outside in, things looked great and because of that view she was willing to overlook the things that were really going down too. I don't think that its necessary for her to go into a big melodramatic spiel about how horrible things were and how that's why he had an A, or call her H an a**hole. She loves him and the life they built together. But they had some problems. Everybody does. She and hers just seem to be at a point of re-establishing the R that they ignored while accummulating the stuff. It happens.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Well, I am married, and we do appear to "have it all", as HN says. The twist in my story is that I am the one who wanted to "out". I don't want to have an affair - I do want to divorce my H - but instead an affair, albeit short, did happen. At first, I was confused. I wondered why I'd cheat on my H since I "appear to have everything" that any woman would have ever wanted: the houses, the stable jobs, the kids, the cars, etc. The truth in the matter is, nothing is more important than respect and love that you have for and receive from your spouse. Why else would we want to get married? Why else would we want to wake up early in the morning to get our kids off to school, prepare dinner, driving the kids to their practices/games, and helping them with their homework - WHILE our dear H only has obligation to his work? Not that being dedicated to my kids gives me the liberty to cheat. But the imbalance in responsibilities to the family creates alot resentment. I forgot who I was... and that was when trouble began for me. Men cheat because they can. Unless they start looking really hard into why they did it, I doubt they can stop. There will always be younger and better looking women as the W gets older. I don't think that its necessary for her to go into a big melodramatic spiel about how horrible things were and how that's why he had an A, or call her H an a**hole. Actually, I do believe that she does. She has to recognize what kind of man she's married. She has to stop protecting him. Really, money is just that. It cannot buy time and love and health. I am not trying to be hard. Perhaps I took it the wrong way by HN's original post. (There is no tone on the internet, regretably.) But when you start a thread with a line like "we appear like the perfect family... everyone wants our lives... but it's not real", then she should acknowledge what is "not real". Everyone who's been in a relationship knows that there are "problems" but those are usually not sufficient to cause a spouse to want to stray.... Ok, that was probably not fair to say - nobody can cause anybody to do something - so then come out and say, what a cheating scum of a man he is, at the very least! I mean, is she trying to repair her M single-handledly? (As she's stated that everything is but an illusion, and that she doesn't care aobut money.) Now, if he is earnestly trying to figure himself out and is truly regretful for his selfish actions, then she is NOT living in an illusion, is she? Food for thought.
Author herenow Posted December 12, 2006 Author Posted December 12, 2006 Wow, so many of you misunderstood my post. All I'm saying is that just because something looks perfect, it isn' necessarily so. That is really the only point I was trying to make. I could have left out the money part and I would still be able to make the same point. I was using myself as the example, but talking generally. Sorry if I confused anyone.
silentalways Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 i truly do not know why my ex gf is hurting so much - i suffered from depression and addiction and we had a rough time but something has happened and she is unreachable - i searched for reasons for over a year and i am just concerned about the behaviour - i believe i may be a source of her pain because it is not normal to be acting as she is and i believe it is hurting her i hope someone keeps an eye on her thank care
frannie Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Wow, so many of you misunderstood my post. All I'm saying is that just because something looks perfect, it isn' necessarily so. That is really the only point I was trying to make. I could have left out the money part and I would still be able to make the same point. I was using myself as the example, but talking generally. Sorry if I confused anyone. I think I understood what you were saying about things looking perfect, but not being so. And my response was that I never look at things that way, anyway. What I really wanted to address was your suggestion that the OW (perhaps you only meant the one in your case, I don't know) is after the whole lifestyle you've built up, or aspires to it. And obviously that is the case for some people. But I don't want all OW, and especially me, tarred with that brush. As I said an earlier post, when you get a divorced man, you don't get the lifestyle, even if that's what you wanted. My MM will be moving out of his house and into a small apartment, which is all he'll be able to afford. In many ways we'll be starting again financially from where we were in our early 20s (we're both mid-40s now). It will be hard, and not something either of us would have chosen, but that's what it's going to take to be together, so that's what we're doing.
Author herenow Posted December 12, 2006 Author Posted December 12, 2006 I would never tell anyone that their opinion is wrong. It's their opinion and they are entitled to it. I can only say that as far as this post goes, I was only trying to get beyond appearances and point out that even people who seem to have it all, have problems. That applies to those with and without money. That doesn't only apply to people who have affairs as bonehead pointed out. The only examples that I can use are my own. I know that everyones situation is different and I do respect that. I apologize to anyone who thought that I was saying that OW are only after money. I do believe that in my case she was in the beginning and then it turned into her having true feelings for my husband. But again, that was not the point of this thread. Fact is whether we like it or not: No one is perfect and no one has the "perfect" life. I guess the optimistic way to say it is to be thankful for what you have and not envy what others have. When I say "what others have" that goes for family, friends, health, etc, not only wealth.
bonehead Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 Fact is whether we like it or not: No one is perfect and no one has the "perfect" life. I guess the optimistic way to say it is to be thankful for what you have and not envy what others have. When I say "what others have" that goes for family, friends, health, etc, not only wealth. EXACTLY!! The other thing alot of people dont see or think about is the amount of work that goes into what people " have ". they seem to think it just happens.
Ripples Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 <snip> I still don't like him, and still won't talk to him, but that somehow made me feel better. Fabulous. Just loved your post.
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