How do I know for sure?

[herenow]

So, it's been over 9 months. Things seem to be going great. My H is being very understanding and loving. I can tell that he is really trying to prove that he's changed. I, on the other hand am having a hard time trusting the change. Is it for real? Will it last? How do I know for sure?

 

Are there any OW here whose MM stopped all contact and really made his marriage work? Is he just waiting for the dust to settle? I want to be able to let go of some of my fears. I want to show him how much love him, but I can't subject myself to the pain of betrayal ever again. I would like to believe that my gut will tell me if something is wrong, but what if my gut goes back into denial? I want to move on so badly, but I can't seem to let go.

[oyster]

So, it's been over 9 months. Things seem to be going great. My H is being very understanding and loving. I can tell that he is really trying to prove that he's changed. I, on the other hand am having a hard time trusting the change. Is it for real? Will it last? How do I know for sure?

 

Are there any OW here whose MM stopped all contact and really made his marriage work? Is he just waiting for the dust to settle?

I am OM with a MW.

 

MW said that once her hubby found out about the affair, he changed a lot.

 

For me when a person changes because an event (affair) this change is not sustainable.

 

People change to please the other partner (ease off tension in marriage, let dust settle).

 

Time will tell. High probability that once dust settle, he will go back to his same old bad habits.

 

For me, he changed to get control back on his cheating wife, because he can't live alone therefore can't let go.

[silentalways]

The best advice I can give u is this,

 

JUST DO IT

 

Think about this. You, and you alone make the choice of a life of fear, regret and doubt - that's how u want to live?

 

In my case - i went thru hell, so did she - and it made me STRONGER! I could jump back in right now!

 

Let me explain this - this hesitation you have now, fear - guess what was the thing that lead me to start making that pile of insecurities higher - fear, guilt, worry - NO MORE and you know why?

 

and if u simply try it once [and i'll explain why i say once] then the initial fear is over and you'll see it works and is easy AND THE REASON is

 

i went out with a wise woman once. and she kept drilling it into my head that HONESTY is EVERYTHING

 

she's right! do u think that during the winter of my discountent that i would tell my parents face to face that i have an addiction - NOPE

 

there's yer answer

 

hope that helps

[bonehead]

I have never been in the position your in but I am a guy, so maybe I can give a little insite.

 

If he is really trying ot show he has changed and its been 9 months then I myself would have to tend to believe he is really trying and not just waiting for " the dust to settle "

 

 

Nine months is a long time to a guy. really good chance in his eyes the dust ALREADY has settled.

 

Unless you are talking relationship issues every day he thinks things are going good and leveled off. Its not something that guys think about unless its right in front of them all the time.

[herenow]

I can see truth in all of these posts. If I dig deep inside me I think there are two reasons I don't want to let this go. One is fear of getting hurt and the other is control. I guess part of me feels if I truly forgive him and move on, I will lose control. I have never been like this, and I don't like it very much.

[herenow]

I have never been in the position your in but I am a guy, so maybe I can give a little insite.

 

If he is really trying ot show he has changed and its been 9 months then I myself would have to tend to believe he is really trying and not just waiting for " the dust to settle "

 

 

Nine months is a long time to a guy. really good chance in his eyes the dust ALREADY has settled.

 

Unless you are talking relationship issues every day he thinks things are going good and leveled off. Its not something that guys think about unless its right in front of them all the time.

 

Good guy point BN. My H is always surprised when I tell him I still think about the OW. He is living in the present and future and I seem to be stuck in the past.

[addicted2love]

Herenow,

 

Having been on both sides of the fence....BS and OW I can tell you only what I've experienced. It truly depends on the situation and also depends on you! If it was just a "fling" with the OW then it's so much easier to get over. If emotions were involved that's a whole other ball game. When my H had an affair (6 years ago) I took my rose colored glasses off! I finally saw him for what he was...human! Before the affair I thought my husband could do no wrong, I put him on a pedestal. I finally realized that he was just as insecure as anyone else. Anyone who knows him would think he is the most confedent person they've met. That couldn't be further from the truth. I believe he had the affair to feel better about himself...and that it had nothing at all to do with me. I'm a great wife, I know this without a doubt.

 

My H ended the affair and has spent the last 6 years doing everything he can to win back my trust. He's always where he says he's going to be and answers or returns my calls immediately. It's taken a long time to trust him again but his actions are what make me believe him, not his words. I'm no angel myself but I understand how emotion and self esteem can make people do things they know they shouldn't do.

 

You are the only one who can say if it's worth it or not to give him a chance to show you how good it can be. It can't be good again unless you are willing to do what it takes as well. I didn't put any energy into fixing the marriage for years. (big mistake) I thought he was the one that should do all the work, after all he hurt me right? Truthfully it takes two to make a marriage good. Go to MC. It will help...I promise! Trust will return in time. Don't ignore your gut but also don't drive yourself crazy looking for something that isn't there either. Know what I mean?

[bonehead]

I can see truth in all of these posts. If I dig deep inside me I think there are two reasons I don't want to let this go. One is fear of getting hurt and the other is control. I guess part of me feels if I truly forgive him and move on, I will lose control. I have never been like this, and I don't like it very much.

 

Fear is a powerful emotion. We all try and avoid things that we are afraid of. ( well unless, nah thats another subject. )

 

Normally fear is a good thing, unless we allow it to control us to the point that we dont go about daily activites due to that fear.

 

No one can set a time line for recovery from an affair. I cant say when your fear should subside to the point that you trust your husband enough to let go of it.

 

For me when a person changes because an event (affair) this change is not sustainable.

 

Oyster, the change is sustainable if the other issues are addressed. If its just to apease the spouse then no it wont last.

 

The affair ( normally ) wasnt the CAUSE of the marriage problems, its a symptom. If there truly is a desire to save the marriage on BOTh parts, open communication and honesty then I do think the change can be real but the MARRIAGE has to change.

[bonehead]

Good guy point BN. My H is always surprised when I tell him I still think about the OW. He is living in the present and future and I seem to be stuck in the past.

 

Its how men are. We came, we saw, we are fixing, we are looking forward.

 

We dont dwell on the past.

 

Plus in this situation he doesnt think about it because he may be seeing it as a failure, he failed you. He let you down. Most men dont like that idea.

[herenow]

Thank you addicted2love and Bonehead. We have been going to MC since D-day. We spend every session talking about our relationship. Yes, there were problems in our marriage that both of us ignored. We work on those daily. There have been stunning moments in therapy where we agree that we both hold responsibility for what our marriage had become. We also both hold responsibility for what it will become.

 

I came here to get the OW point of view. We realized early on that the OW my H had an affair with was not the cause of the affair. We decided that it would be a waste of valuable MC time to talk about her. I have not been able to let her go, so LS has become my OW therapy. It's always helpful to get the other side of the story and since I have no intention of ever calling the real OW, I get it from the OW here.

[bonehead]

So often the BS doesnt see that the OP was the cause.

 

I actually think alot of it is because being angry at the OP is safe. It prevents the BS from having to look into themselves. The WS also thinks its safe for the BS to blame the OP because it keeps the fingers pointed in another direction.

 

 

 

Plus when you really address the marriage issues it takes looking deep inside yourself, and alot of people have things there that they dont want to look at.

 

Yes the OP owns some of the blame, but not as much as what some people want to put onto them.

[addicted2love]

As women we tend to think...what does she have that I haven't got? Well the answer is NOTHING!!! In my case I just had to see and talk to this woman. I found out that she was young, stupid and definately NOT a looker. Which made me think...geeze my H could have at least taken a step up!

 

What I discovered was that this young woman was lied to by my H. He "charmed" her to suit his own needs. The whole thing was about him and no one else...it was to boost his ego, make him feel like more of a man. It wasn't because I didn't love him enough...it wasn't because the OW was better than me. It was all about HIS OWN INSECURITY. So I hold him accountable for his actions. She's not innocent but when a man wants something he will manipulate his way into getting it.

 

When I kicked the pedestal out from under my dear H I realized, hey wait a minute I haven't been focusing on me at all! So that's what I did...focused on me. I'm happier that way...I"m a giver but I was giving to everyone but myself! Also my H used to be VERY cocky and condescending....now if he gets that way I can silence him with a look!

I don't have to say a word. I chose to take my husbands affair as a turning point in my life instead of letting it be the straw that broke me.

 

Don't focus on the OW she was just a "stepping stone" to fixing your marriage.

[herenow]

So often the BS doesnt see that the OP was the cause.

 

I actually think alot of it is because being angry at the OP is safe. It prevents the BS from having to look into themselves. The WS also thinks its safe for the BS to blame the OP because it keeps the fingers pointed in another direction.

 

 

 

Plus when you really address the marriage issues it takes looking deep inside yourself, and alot of people have things there that they dont want to look at.

 

Yes the OP owns some of the blame, but not as much as what some people want to put onto them.

 

My H is willing to take all the blame, but if I let him do that, things will never get any better.

 

Yes, he is responsible for the choice he made. I will never accept any blame for his affair. That is the fault of him and the OW equally.

 

I do accept my share of the blame for the fact that our marriage was neglected and I'm working on fixing that problem.

[bonehead]

My H is willing to take all the blame, but if I let him do that, things will never get any better.

 

Yes, he is responsible for the choice he made. I will never accept any blame for his affair. That is the fault of him and the OW equally.

 

I do accept my share of the blame for the fact that our marriage was neglected and I'm working on fixing that problem.

 

You are totally right.

 

Nice to see a BS willing to look deeper then just the affair.

 

Addressing the marriage issues is the biggest step towards saving it

[herenow]

You are totally right.

 

Nice to see a BS willing to look deeper then just the affair.

 

Addressing the marriage issues is the biggest step towards saving it

 

Thanks to the work of good MC and what I hope to be a husband who truly wants our marriage to work.

 

Also, thank you addicted2love. That was a very helpful post. I hope to be where you are very soon.

[addicted2love]

Your welcome...it took me years and a whole lot of self discovery!

[lovernotafighter]

So, it's been over 9 months. Things seem to be going great. My H is being very understanding and loving. I can tell that he is really trying to prove that he's changed. I, on the other hand am having a hard time trusting the change. Is it for real? Will it last? How do I know for sure?

 

Are there any OW here whose MM stopped all contact and really made his marriage work? Is he just waiting for the dust to settle? I want to be able to let go of some of my fears. I want to show him how much love him, but I can't subject myself to the pain of betrayal ever again. I would like to believe that my gut will tell me if something is wrong, but what if my gut goes back into denial? I want to move on so badly, but I can't seem to let go.

 

HereNow I really like you...you seem so nice and genuine,I just wanted to state that...and tell you from my own experiences I am being completely honest with you about what I say :-)

 

I have, as others here have said, been on both sides of the fence..got the tee shirts and battle scares to prove it.

 

I believe if he is the one stopped contact then I would think he is being totally sincere with his efforts...I don't really know your story however to know how involved they really were but my guess would be if he's owning his blame and not gas lighting you then I think it's a safe bet he's being honest with you.

 

my H cheated on me..he did just what I wrote and he has been open and honest about everything as far as I know.

 

now I am a exOW, very recently to...now in this case, I ended the relationship many times, we were in NC for the last 6 weeks. I asked him to work on his marriage and if it ever doesn't work out after that and he gets divorced he can contact me and we can see where we stand.

 

last week he asked me to be his friend and poured his heart out to me...it makes me wonder if he would have been the one to end it, would he have come back? though in most ways it was a amicable split because we agreed on every point why to break up.

 

what I have done though in both instances is work on me...I did things I enjoy, I did things to help my self esteem..I did things to make me detach from the pain, but the only why is to do that is on your own for yourself...we can't rely on men to make us happy, it's only when we are on the inside does it come back to us.

 

I can tell you are a wonderful woman here now and I think you are gonna rise above this in every way...keep your chin up, your worth it!

[herenow]

HereNow I really like you...you seem so nice and genuine,I just wanted to state that...and tell you from my own experiences I am being completely honest with you about what I say :-)

 

I have, as others here have said, been on both sides of the fence..got the tee shirts and battle scares to prove it.

 

I believe if he is the one stopped contact then I would think he is being totally sincere with his efforts...I don't really know your story however to know how involved they really were but my guess would be if he's owning his blame and not gas lighting you then I think it's a safe bet he's being honest with you.

 

my H cheated on me..he did just what I wrote and he has been open and honest about everything as far as I know.

 

now I am a exOW, very recently to...now in this case, I ended the relationship many times, we were in NC for the last 6 weeks. I asked him to work on his marriage and if it ever doesn't work out after that and he gets divorced he can contact me and we can see where we stand.

 

last week he asked me to be his friend and poured his heart out to me...it makes me wonder if he would have been the one to end it, would he have come back? though in most ways it was a amicable split because we agreed on every point why to break up.

 

what I have done though in both instances is work on me...I did things I enjoy, I did things to help my self esteem..I did things to make me detach from the pain, but the only why is to do that is on your own for yourself...we can't rely on men to make us happy, it's only when we are on the inside does it come back to us.

 

I can tell you are a wonderful woman here now and I think you are gonna rise above this in every way...keep your chin up, your worth it!

 

Thank you very much. Your kind words made my day.

 

and thank you for sharing. You are right, if I'm happy with myself, the rest will come. Right back at ya, you seem like a wonderful woman as well.

[oyster]

 

now I am a exOW, very recently to...now in this case, I ended the relationship many times, we were in NC for the last 6 weeks. I asked him to work on his marriage and if it ever doesn't work out after that and he gets divorced he can contact me and we can see where we stand.

 

I think I am going to try this. Why 6 weeks of NC, how did you arrive at that number?

[kymberann]

Hi Herenow,

All I can say is I have been there. BS and OW. My first husband cheated on me and when I found out, that was it. There was no need to work on any issues. The trust was gone and I didin't want to even work on anything with that man. There was so much that had happened, it just made it easier to leave. Of course I was hurt, it did affect trusting other people. That is where I stand on that particular situation. Each of us are different. Each of us have a different tolerance level.

 

I must commend you, I enjoy reading your posts and responses, it takes a special soul to be here with OW and to read our stories and struggles while you are dealing with your own. I didn't ask for this latest struggle, I just found myself in love, hoping to be with "the greatest" person I had ever met. It didn't turn out to be that way, therefore I am in pain. He still is hte greatest and I still have tremendous love for him. Silly isn't it. But that is where I am right now.

 

Anyway point being, letting go now can only help you and your H in the present and the future.

Ask yourself what are the reasons for holding on? Are they valid? Rational/irrational? Perhaps you are holding on just for the sake of not wanting to stop working on your marriage. In other words, if you don't let up on the A what else is there to talk about/work on in the marriage? I hope thta made sense!

Best to you!

[herenow]

Hi Herenow,

All I can say is I have been there. BS and OW. My first husband cheated on me and when I found out, that was it. There was no need to work on any issues. The trust was gone and I didin't want to even work on anything with that man. There was so much that had happened, it just made it easier to leave. Of course I was hurt, it did affect trusting other people. That is where I stand on that particular situation. Each of us are different. Each of us have a different tolerance level.

 

I must commend you, I enjoy reading your posts and responses, it takes a special soul to be here with OW and to read our stories and struggles while you are dealing with your own. I didn't ask for this latest struggle, I just found myself in love, hoping to be with "the greatest" person I had ever met. It didn't turn out to be that way, therefore I am in pain. He still is hte greatest and I still have tremendous love for him. Silly isn't it. But that is where I am right now.

 

Anyway point being, letting go now can only help you and your H in the present and the future.

Ask yourself what are the reasons for holding on? Are they valid? Rational/irrational? Perhaps you are holding on just for the sake of not wanting to stop working on your marriage. In other words, if you don't let up on the A what else is there to talk about/work on in the marriage? I hope thta made sense!

Best to you!

 

Yes it does make sense. I always appreciate hearing someone's point of view. I just need to figure out why I'm holding on, and then let it go.

[bunset]

Yes it does make sense. I always appreciate hearing someone's point of view. I just need to figure out why I'm holding on, and then let it go.

 

herenow,

 

Let me tell you that I'm in the process of reconciling with my BS H.

My short A ended 6 months ago, but my H had been holding on to it up until last month. Which as I understand is still not that long!

I'd gone NC one month before my H ever found out about the A. But that didn't help him with trust or triggers. I've been through hell at least 3 times since I exposed my A to my H. He needed to do some serious changing, himself. My main transgression in our M was that A and an almost rekinding of a pre-marriage romance, via dinner dates and conversation. But my H had the same problem of putting me on a pedastal - it was way too easy for me to fall. He knows I'm human but still holds much animosity against the xMM. That animosity has poisoned our Reconciliation more than a few times. As long as my H held feelings (good bad or otherwise) for the xMM, then how could we banish the xMM from our marriage??

So many BS have a very difficult time with that. It's quite understandable. It's the very determined and grounded spouse (wayward or betrayed) that can learn from the experience and grow away from it, knowing that sometimes blame must be laid to rest, or haunt you to your grave.

herenow, you are to be commended for your ability to grow from this.

You will find the closure and renewal in your M, as long as you continue to look for it.

[outofdarkness]

So, it's been over 9 months. Things seem to be going great. My H is being very understanding and loving. I can tell that he is really trying to prove that he's changed. I, on the other hand am having a hard time trusting the change. Is it for real? Will it last? How do I know for sure?

 

Are there any OW here whose MM stopped all contact and really made his marriage work? Is he just waiting for the dust to settle? I want to be able to let go of some of my fears. I want to show him how much love him, but I can't subject myself to the pain of betrayal ever again. I would like to believe that my gut will tell me if something is wrong, but what if my gut goes back into denial? I want to move on so badly, but I can't seem to let go.

I think I can answer this without making any waves w/ the OW's...I haven't posted for awhile b/c there was some tension here. You are a BS, as am I, so I think it's appropriate for the to comment. So, my comment is that I don't know what to say. I stayed w/ my H after D day over 2 years ago...One long term, 10 year affair revealed through a letter in the mail and multiple inbetween....I STILL don't know if he's here because he wanted to "dust" to settle, or he really loves myself and our children. At times, I think this man really does care and wants to be w/ us, and other times like right now, I doubt it and wonder what the hell is going on! Denial is VERY strong in A's.....It's a really hard cycle to break on both ends..Even if the MM and W really want to break the cycle and make the M work, the pull of the OW's or just the lifestyle can be too strong...It's really a question of what your circumstances are. Mine are totally different from your's and your's from mine...Some people think that I stayed for our kid's sake, and some just think I'm stupid...but I REALLY stayed because I wanted to believe so badly, and still do, that he really loves me and wants to be with me. I have heard the old dust settling line, and I do believe it in some circumstances...Trouble is, that by the time I found out, I was so starved for love and affection, that I just fell back into his arms...NO hesitation...I believed what I wanted to believe...He could be totally honest and upfront with me now, but I have had serious doubts at times, and it's very troubling and exhausting. At this point, I can't wait for our kids to finish school so I can see what it's REALLY like just the two of us...Hope this helps...

[NoIDidn't]

herenow,

 

You have made it so far. I think this is the last thing to be laid to rest for you, and it will be in time. You will need time to move past the fear. Nine months is not a lot of time in relationship years. Think of your reconcilliation like a child. An infant, in fact. At 9 months old, most infants are starting to crawl and stand up or even walking. A lot of trust in their caretakers and the props in their environment is needed for this to happen. You are trying out your feet in your M again. Its okay to be afraid. And its okay to want to be in control. You have acknowledged feeling both, and as a result are a lot further along on that road than you realize.

 

I was given the baby analogy years ago when I first got married, and so have treated every anniversary as a birthday - but more like dog years since we are adults and not children, LOL. I too have been feeling what you are feeling. I am learning to roll with the punches (the emotions, that is). I still have many triggers, but the downtime doesn't put me out of commission for days like it used to. Now its down to minutes (depending on the trigger).

 

Your H is very lucky to have you, in more ways than one. And I am sure that HE knows that as well.

[herenow]

Thank you everyone. Your posts have been very helpful to me. I know that I have a long way to go and pushing it under the rug or moving on before I'm ready would be a mistake. My therapist always says to listen to myself and I'm the only one that can answer the questions about what's best for me. Listening to all of you helps me understand that I'm not alone in my fears and that everyone has questions that they need answers to. I wish you all luck in finding the answers that are right for you.